how to tell a friend that her love interest is HIV+?

[tripmom]

a friend of mine has shown interest in a mother of my learner who is HiV+

i came to know of the mother's status when she came to register her child in 2017 at the school i teach at (the card has to be presented to prove vaccinations taken or missed)

for context...

in some rural parts of south africa children clinic cards showed the mothers HIV status if the child was birthed in a public hospital (i think children born after 2014/2015 cards dont disclose)

how do i warn my friend without risking my job? i should i trust that he will request they do tests?

You can't.

I don't think you can?

Do not talk to anyone about this womans’s confidential health status. Simple as that.

It isn't your place to warn him. If she is on proper treatment then she poses no risk to any sexual contacts. Even if not, it is his own responsibility to discuss these issues with any potential partner. Please do not commit a massive breach of confidentiality that is absolutely none of your business

You dont!

All you can do is remind him how common HIV and STDs are, but not in the context of discussing the person in question

Eeerrr you dont!
Jesus christ you just fucking don't. I'm presuming you've had some training on confidentiality?

Would you generally have a conversation Re new partners and sex? If so all you can do is the usual well I hope you're using condoms, are you both doing an Sti test convo.

I can understand your impulse, but this isn't your conversation to have

Well hopefully she will tell them herself?? You’d have to be an awful person not to disclose this information to a new partner.

i have seen how it has ravaged many people and destroyed families and i was wondering if and how to warn him without risking my job

If you’re in South Africa then your friend must already know about the high risk of HIV.

Would you generally have a conversation Re new partners and sex? If so all you can do is the usual well I hope you're using condoms, are you both doing an Sti test convo.

= we do but in the last year alone 3 of our friends tested HIV+, regardless of the safe sex chats we have had in the past

Well hopefully she will tell them herself?? You’d have to be an awful person not to disclose this information to a new partner.

=** many people dont disclose their status for fear of stigma and just generally being awful like you say (i found HIV on this earth and i will leave it on this earth mentality )

i have never had training on privacy and confidentiality ,i know it goes against my work contract to disclose it but im panicking on his behalf

You don't.

I know someone who was sacked for exactly this.

If you’re in South Africa then your friend must already know about the high risk of HIV.

= true but some people dont take enough precautions

true but some people dont take enough precautions

It’s not your responsibility to look out for fools.

It's either you tell him and lose your job. Or you behave ethically and maintain her privacy; in addition to your job.

Tripmum I totally see your dilemma.
It is a catch 22 scenario and I can imagine why you would feel a loyalty to your friend. I think you just have to hope she tells him and raise it as a general conversation and hope he listens.

If someone doesn’t take precautions despite being in South Africa knowing the risks then that really is there look out. The word idiot comes to mind, if your friend wants to take risks with his life that’s up to him but you can’t tell him without potentially losing your job

I’m South African. If your friend is dumb enough to risk unprotected sex in a country with the infection rate of SA, he has (consciously or otherwise) accepted the potential risks.

Are you in South Africa or UK?

If she is taking effective anti-retroviral treatment reliably and her viral load count is undetectable, then she is not infectious through sex. This is what is generally aimed for in UK, I don't know about south Africa. So the situation may not be as risky as you fear.

its dumb, stupid or foolish as you say but it happens

i think everyday we meet, ill talk about testing and HIV until it bothers him

Are you in South Africa or UK?

If she is taking effective anti-retroviral treatment reliably and her viral load count is undetectable, then she is not infectious through sex. This is what is generally aimed for in UK, I don't know about south Africa. So the situation may not be as risky as you fear.

im in SA

people take ARV's but still manage to pass on the disease not sure how but they do

It’s absolutely not your place to say anything.

It’s up to the person who is HIV positive to take the step and let their partner know. And the reason is the stigma you are talking about. What if you tell your friend and he is then telling everyone around in ‘oh look, do you know that xxx is HIV positive?’ Gossipy way’ What it then makes life and therefore the life of her child a misery?

And It’s up to the person who is having sex to protect themselves (unless they are fool). It’s not your role to mother him.

i think everyday we meet, ill talk about testing and HIV until it bothers him

I agree. Do this until he thinks WTF is wrong with trip. I understand the dilemma but your hands are tied.

HIV has affected my life in a terrible way thats why when i see someone risking it, i panic BUT then again i have chidlren to look after

thanks ladies for sounding some sense into me

The thing is, even if you do tell him, he reacts badly and tells her he knows and it comes out that you told him you'll potentially lose your job, he'll move on to the next woman and she could infect him if he isn't taking precautions. If having 3 friends diagnosed recently doesn't make him shit hot on protecting himself then this probably won't either.