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Original poster

how to tell a friend that her love interest is HIV+?

51 replies

tripmom · 19/06/2019 19:17

a friend of mine has shown interest in a mother of my learner who is HiV+

i came to know of the mother's status when she came to register her child in 2017 at the school i teach at (the card has to be presented to prove vaccinations taken or missed)

for context...

in some rural parts of south africa children clinic cards showed the mothers HIV status if the child was birthed in a public hospital (i think children born after 2014/2015 cards dont disclose)

how do i warn my friend without risking my job? i should i trust that he will request they do tests?

OP posts:
ControversialFerret · 19/06/2019 20:20

You cannot disclose the information. Legally, you can't.

So don't just worry about losing your job - worry also about being sued for illegally disclosing someone's highly sensitive and confidential medical information.

Original poster
tripmom · 19/06/2019 20:21

on saturday he wants to us to go to a pub closer to her love interest, i hope he starts to talk about her while drinking and someone will blab to him about her...

OP posts:
WallisFrizz · 19/06/2019 20:43

on saturday he wants to us to go to a pub closer to her love interest, i hope he starts to talk about her while drinking and someone will blab to him about her...

Poor woman

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ControversialFerret · 19/06/2019 20:45

You really don't like her, do you? And for what reason? Being HIV positive?

You have no proof that she won't tell him herself. None. But don't let that get in the way of judging her about her medical condition Hmm

hopefulhalf · 19/06/2019 20:49

Some one else's HIV status is none of your business.He could be positive too, you don't know. As others have said with proper treatment there is no infection risk from M/F sex (least likely to contract anyway

ThatCurlyGirl · 19/06/2019 20:49

on saturday he wants to us to go to a pub closer to her love interest, i hope he starts to talk about her while drinking and someone will blab to him about her...

See now I can understand you feeling worried (while I have stated and maintain it is absolutely not your place to address this) but you lost me here.

I feel really sad you're talking in this flippant and bitchy manner about a woman with HIV, particularly when you are in a safeguarding role which one would hope includes compassion and clarity of thinking. But you're hoping a mate will get pissed up to tell your other mate about someone else's medical history. Fucking hell.

Nesssie · 19/06/2019 20:49

Just curious but if people were in the OPs position and a HIV patient started started dating a family member, would you risk your job and tell them?

hopefulhalf · 19/06/2019 20:53

No I am a doctor and know all sorts of things about people I see socially. No way would I breach confidentiality , just no.

Twotome · 19/06/2019 20:53

Tricky one but if I was your friend, I would want to know. Especially if there is a high risk she isn’t going to tell him herself!

mindutopia · 19/06/2019 21:36

I work in HIV medicine. You absolutely do not discuss this women's HIV status with anyone else. It's completely inappropriate. People with HIV are out there having sex, getting married, conceiving babies naturally and living normal lifespans, just like everyone else, and not passing HIV on to anyone. It's actually quite difficult to transmit HIV. And if you know she's HIV positive, she is clearly quite open about it, has been living with HIV for quite awhile, and is very likely on ARVs and undetectable. It is not possible to transmit HIV if you are on effective treatment and undectable. Not possible. All evidence from every clinical trial ever done confirms this.

But realistically, most people (especially if you are in SA? where prevalence is quite high) use condoms in the early stages of their relationships until they're comfortable talking about sexual health. She's probably quite used to having that conversation and is perfectly capable of doing it herself.

SimonJT · 19/06/2019 21:39

@Nesssie No I wouldn’t as it’s none of my business, and if I dated someone positive I wouldn’t expect any of their ‘friends’ to tell me either.

Batfurger · 19/06/2019 21:42

You can breach confidentiality if it's in the public interest. Like a diabetic parent driving when you know they shouldn't that sort f thing.
I'd steer clear though. But it's not as clear cut as many posters are kneejerking.

ControversialFerret · 19/06/2019 21:48

Just curious but if people were in the OPs position and a HIV patient started started dating a family member, would you risk your job and tell them?

No. I used to work in a third sector org that had very close links with HIV and AIDS fundraising charities. Many of my friends and colleagues were HIV positive. We used to socialise regularly. At no point did I ever think that it was necessary or appropriate to warn the people they were chatting up, about their medical status.

ControversialFerret · 19/06/2019 21:50

You can breach confidentiality if it's in the public interest.

There are only very specific circumstances where it's permissible - and using your work related knowledge to warn one of your mates about someone else's medical condition, is not one of them.

orangesandlemon · 19/06/2019 22:20

Maybe she's not interested in him?

nothingtowearever · 19/06/2019 22:33

I would tell them. Subtly without outright saying it.

SkintAsASkintThing · 19/06/2019 22:43

I'd send a note anonymously.........the reason the infection rate is so high in SA is because carriers just aren't sharing this info. Yes, he'd be a fool to have unprotected sex but that isn't a guilt I could carry.

HIVpos · 20/06/2019 00:47

Hi OP - short answer...no you have no right whatsoever to tell your friend this woman’s status...including sending anonymous notes! I know you want to protect him, but just having read up on the HIV stats in S Africa, I’m sure he will be aware of how prevalent the virus is there. www.avert.org/professionals/hiv-around-world/sub-saharan-africa/south-africa

I thought your comment hoping someone else would blab was horrendous and on behalf of that poor woman thank you to those who responded the way they did to it.

people take ARV's but still manage to pass on the disease not sure how but they do

Well this is because for whatever reason (a lot to do with stigma, don’t want to be seen taking the pills /have them found etc) some people do not take the pills consistently, so allowing resistance to build up and the medication becomes less effective in suppressing the virus. Then if they do not go for regular check ups they will not realise they have become infectious. Some might actually want to die rather than have others talking about their status - blabbing, so they stop taking their meds!

I suggest letting them both do their thing and see where it goes. Give your friend the talk about playing safe/both getting tested at some point for all STIs (I always do that with friends). Condoms exist, and if she is not on ARVs then if it becomes serious she could start and/or he could take PrEP (which they have there).

FWIW I am dating - on regular apps - and never disclose as soon as I meet someone - why on earth would I? We get to know each other first, so he can see me before my HIV status (much like I see him as a person before his diabetes status/hip replacement/whatever).

You might find they are perfect for each other - actually thinking about it, your friend might be living with HIV, and not shared this fact with you Smile

ControversialFerret · 20/06/2019 13:51

I would tell them. Subtly without outright saying it.

Why? Her medical information is none of the OP's business - legally or morally.

I'd send a note anonymously.........the reason the infection rate is so high in SA is because carriers just aren't sharing this info. Yes, he'd be a fool to have unprotected sex but that isn't a guilt I could carry.

But you'd happily carry the guilt of illegally disclosing her medical information? You have zero proof that she wouldn't tell him herself. And as for an anonymous note - really? Hmm

Christ the poor woman might not even be interested in this bloke. But she's HIV+ so we need to tell him regardless of the fact it's nobody else's business. Why not go the whole hog and make her wear a special sign?

DeadButDelicious · 20/06/2019 14:42

You have no right at all to disclose this woman's medical history. None.

Wanting private information to be 'blabbed' over drinks like it's an interesting titbit of gossip is awful. She's a person. A real life human.

Surely your friend should already be practising safe sex in a country with such a high prevalence of HIV? And it's entirely possible that she isn't even interested in him!

Just curious but if people were in the OPs position and a HIV patient started started dating a family member, would you risk your job and tell them?

Never.

TheRedSquare · 20/06/2019 15:21

Due to the way you found this information out, you cannot discuss with anyone as it is confidential. You will certainly lose your job for starts...
If you tell friend, they will approach with her and no doubt let slip where the info come from!
Really shit position for you OP

BonnieBelleStarr · 20/06/2019 15:29

😬so you're in South Africa and not the uk? I don't know the laws there but would imagine you cannot because of confidentiality rules.

HIVpos · 20/06/2019 17:53

@BonnieBelleStarr I did a quick search and it appears the confidentiality rules are the same in S Africa as they are here.

Unfortunately, while this sort of behaviour exists - ie disclosing someone else’s status - it will always be more difficult to stop HIV being passed on as people will hide it or not take meds through fear. Very sad indeed.

iklboo · 20/06/2019 18:03

I'd send a note anonymously..

That's diabolically cowardly.

Whocansay · 20/06/2019 18:40

So ALL teachers at your school get to know confidential and highly sensitive information about parents when children are registered? And you are planning on using it against this woman? That's disgusting.

You don't even know if this woman is attracted to your friend, let alone wants to have sex with him. How could you even consider acting with such malice towards a woman you barely know? You should be ashamed.

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