Asperger husband - live apart to stay together?

[Iloveluckyjim]

Has anyone else found themselves in this position - finding it so difficult with my suspected ASD husband so we are considering living apart in order to stay together. It would be him working away as a contractor then coming back for weekends. Then he doesn’t have to do any of the mundane family stuff, I get a break, we get family time with the kids..and maybe then we won’t get divorced.

We only recently have thought of him having ASD (well, its recent news to me, he already thought he had it but didn’t tell me, so does his mum who is a clinical psychologist but she didn’t tell me either). His Dad has it. He is emotionally vacant, i feel like a single parent. He has no sense of impact, will say really loaded or hurtful things and be amazed that I am upset. He is also very angry when defensive (lots of things he takes personally/as a criticism). Communication is a non-starter. We spend so much time in the same physical space but separate - he’s always doing work or his own interests. None of this seems to bother or even register with him whatsoever. I still love him i think (life has been so hard, its difficult to tell). I feel very lonely and at least this way i will actually be on my own partly and not just feeling like it. We don;t want to separate - were actually really good friends, we make each other laugh, when things are good they’re really good, but when they’re bad its a nightmare and we both feel trapped.

I can’t bear the idea of separating and not having my kids all the time - firstly I think he would be useless trying to look after them 50% of the time - he can’t manage all the things which need doing parenting-wise, plus I would miss them so so much. And they are all mama’s boys (age 2, 5 and 7). 5 year old has ADHD and husband can’t mange him. I suspect eldest has ASD as well - husband oblivious. So I would be worried for them if he had them for half the week.

Has anyone experience os changing their living arrangements around to manager ASD?

Please no judging - I am emotionally raw today and cried all the way on the school run.

No experience, but wanted to say that I wouldn’t judge this situation. Whatever works for you and your family is right for your family. If, right now, that means living apart for part of the week - then you go for it. Doesn’t matter if it’s not conventional: unique situations rarely respond to one size solutions. Physical space will create emotional space for you to make informed decisions. Take some time for yourself today, you deserve it

It sounds fine to me. But I grew up with an oil worker father surrounded by other oil worker families. Husbands going away for 2-4 weeks at a time was just life.

Do you think he would have more patience at the weekends if he changed his work pattern?

Sounds perfectly sensible to me if it's what both parties equally want, and if it is I'd at least give it a good trial run.

I imagine he would be better on the weekends because he would have had space to concentrate on his own stuff and not have the stress of family life/me/us. When he is actually trying he is so upbeat and fun with the kids, but I don’t think he has it in him much and so hopefully he would come home refreshed and happy to engage with us all. On Father’s Day we went to the beach, kids paddling in the water, screeching with delight, I was right with them watching and chatting away and joining in-he was stood 30 feet away looking bored, checking his phone, no joy on his face. It’s totally bizarre to me. Emotionally he just isn’t there sometimes. I wonder if he also has adhd which may explain why he is seemingly distracted, can’t finish a task and finds it difficult to remember what he is doing or cope with lots of things at once.

The kids have witnessed some ugly stuff between us-rows, swearing etc and we both are really disappointed in ourselves for letting it get like this. The potential ASD diagnosis has been a relief but now don’t know what to do - if he isn’t really able to be any different at home (I think he has to work really hard to be ‘normal’ outside the home, and then lets it all out with us) then maybe he won’t be any different when he comes back on weekends.

Lavellan did you miss your dad? Maybe a stupid question sorry. I guess I am struggling with how to get my head around the unconventionality if we go for it.

Lavellan I should follow that up be saying I’m concerned about the impact on our boys if he isn’t here 4-5 days out of 7.

Due to his treatment of you it sounds like it’d be better to end the relationship and you parent way more than 50%.

Don’t think a set up that enables him to do less parenting and domestic work will help him, or you.

I recognise my husband in much of what you are saying.

Could you try it for a period of say 6 months and see if it’s helping?

Honestly, ASC has it’s challenges, but it’s not a licence to be unkind. If he’s not making as much effort to meet your needs as you are his it may be better to walk away. That said, if he can throw himself into family life at weekends maybe it’s worth a try.

I think that your suggestion of him working away during the week is a good compromise. He gets the space he needs and you get a break. And it isn't that unusual for people to work away from home.

@Iloveluckyjim A bit, but it never really occurred to me it could be different. It was his work, it was just a fact. I do remember how big a deal his coming home day would be every fortnight, we'd get too excited and ask to dress up or jump out of a box or other crazy kid things. Must have been a bit exhausting for both pf them.

One thing I will be brutally honest about though - I know a lot of families who ended up in divorce including my own parents. I can't say if it's more than average but the solo parenting thing puts strain on both partners. For my dad, it was money ie- in his mind we were spending his money while he was stuck on a rig. They struggle with life going on without them as well, although that might not apply to your husband by the sound of it?

I am divorcing my husband who has an HFA diagnosis. One of the reasons our marriage lasted nearly two decades was that he worked away from home for 6-9 months a year.

However, that career came to a natural end in 2016. The last two years were insufferable.

Think about your longer term solution.

Three months on from separation I feel like a new woman - lots to look forward to.

I am incredibly positive which makes me realise just how much joy he sucked from my life on a daily basis.

Parenting alone without his dogmatic point proving emotionally detached involvement is actually easier than it was together.

a diagnosis

Me too Boxlikeamarchhare...I am actually a really optimistic and contented person. Having said that i have had episodes of depression but i know what they were caused by (initially childhood trauma). But I feel like I’ve had to dull-down all my emotions to match his level.

Since we had our children i have never been more depressed in my life - not because of the kids but because of his condition and the impact family life has had on him - frankly I don’t think he’s been able to cope, he has been such a let down (I am not high maintenance, really. I’m a “that will do” type of person). He hasn;t been able to cope with some of his time being eaten into by kids, he doesn’t contribute to the children financially (he pays the bills, i pay for childcare and anything child related even though he has always earnt at least 1/3 to double what i do).

I do think its Aspergers doing this and not that he’s a horrible person..I think he literally doesn’t know why I would have a problem with any of this, he sometimes lacks empathy and he cant see another persons point of view easily - he is straight on the defensive so a conversation about how I feel soon gets turned into I am attacking him. I realise how naive it might sound to say it’s because of Aspergers but truly everyone thinks he is totally lovely, I cant talk to anyone as they don’t see this side of him and actually I’m really embarassed. Not that i knew any of this about Aspies - for years i have blamed myself, oh i am a depressive that’s why we have problems. All of this has been turned on its head the last 6 weeks as my MIL revealed she has always thought he is on autistic spectrum (she has been in medical profession all her life and in last decade has been a clinical psychologist. SO although he isn’t diagnosed i trust her opinion, what i have read, the way partners describe feeling - it all makes sense).

I hadn’t thought long term, just trying to think maybe if he works away we will both be happier. I think maybe i am being a coward by not just ending it and really this is just a soft version of that and it will become inevitable. How do you know when its over?

Give it a go, if anything it will give you breathing space while the kids are young even if long term you end up splitting. You could be describing my h, except he's decided he wants his own space and is leaving (kids are grown) he's only ever really done what he wanted, becomes obsessed with niche hobbies etc. I've suspected he has asd since dd was diagnosed, many many years ago, in fact her paediatrician said at the follow up meeting (he attended the initial one not the follow up) that DD's asd was probably genetic, he assumed h was diagnosed not realising that we were a good 20 years behind in the U.K. diagnosing autism.

Thanks to you all for replying, and your words of experience.

We'd had a huge fallout Monday and talking about divorce/moving out which prompted me to write this yesterday. My eyes were puffy all day from crying and I could barely hold it together in public.He gets home from work and starts connecting our new router and phones, like nothing has happened!!

I will have a look on other threads about having a partner with Aspergers, going to need some help if we stick with it.

Autism or not, it sounds like he is financially and emotionally abusive. Suggest seeking help from a specialist womens organisation.

This is all v familiar. My OH we both suspect has undiagnosed ASD.

He often works away for a month or two at a time and if anything it has made me want to separate more. I feel like I can breathe when he's away and it's awful when he's back. I'm putting the wheels in motion to leave.

The sad part is that a lot of things he just can't help, but it doesn't stop the way it makes me feel.

I hope you find a solution that works for you both

Hmmmm. I'm not sure this would work. My DH has worked away during the week for the past year now, and when he comes home, he's so tunnel visioned about work, and so tired, that he's even less engaged in family life than he used to be. It's like we're an inconvenience to him. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I don't think it's that. Sorry you are so sad.

A diagnosis doesn’t give him a reason to financially abuse you. Why do you pay for everything child related? Is he going to provide money to the family if he’s away Mon-Fri or will he see that as your responsibility?

he doesn’t contribute to the children financially (he pays the bills, i pay for childcare and anything child related even though he has always earnt at least 1/3 to double what i do).

That's not Aspergers. That's common, or garden, shirking of responsibilities.

If he has ASD would working away really suit him, would the conditions be suitable? People with ASD often like routine, familiar safe places, alone time to concentrate on their interests. Would he get that while he was away? Otherwise it could lead to him being even more stressed and unhappy.

Please bare in mind that he hasn't been officially diagnosed yet and whilst he may have features of aspergers he also has features of personality disorder if you are going by diagnostic symptoms. I know a couple of medical professionals who both consider they have HFA who say they have managed to adapt their responses in certain situations. As an adult who is presumably working and interacting with colleagues he probably has some ability to engage in an acceptable way. Keep an open mind as to what is the matter but remember unhappiness is unhappiness whatever the cause and if you believe truly that he has no ability to be kinder to you then you need to consider what you want for the future.

It's probably worth a try but I'd also be looking at the financial side. You shouldn't be paying for everything for the kids.

If you split up, would he even want to have the kids? Let alone 50:50?

We are all aspie in this family and we do this, but I see him more often than that. It works quite well, but I also feel like I do most of it, and sometimes i get a bit resentful and I have to be REALLY assertive about my own needs.
Be careful though, as it can be a way of splitting up more slowly and gently, which tbh, might be what you need, or it can rejuvenate things.