Asperger husband - live apart to stay together?

[Iloveluckyjim]

Has anyone else found themselves in this position - finding it so difficult with my suspected ASD husband so we are considering living apart in order to stay together. It would be him working away as a contractor then coming back for weekends. Then he doesn’t have to do any of the mundane family stuff, I get a break, we get family time with the kids..and maybe then we won’t get divorced.

We only recently have thought of him having ASD (well, its recent news to me, he already thought he had it but didn’t tell me, so does his mum who is a clinical psychologist but she didn’t tell me either). His Dad has it. He is emotionally vacant, i feel like a single parent. He has no sense of impact, will say really loaded or hurtful things and be amazed that I am upset. He is also very angry when defensive (lots of things he takes personally/as a criticism). Communication is a non-starter. We spend so much time in the same physical space but separate - he’s always doing work or his own interests. None of this seems to bother or even register with him whatsoever. I still love him i think (life has been so hard, its difficult to tell). I feel very lonely and at least this way i will actually be on my own partly and not just feeling like it. We don;t want to separate - were actually really good friends, we make each other laugh, when things are good they’re really good, but when they’re bad its a nightmare and we both feel trapped.

I can’t bear the idea of separating and not having my kids all the time - firstly I think he would be useless trying to look after them 50% of the time - he can’t manage all the things which need doing parenting-wise, plus I would miss them so so much. And they are all mama’s boys (age 2, 5 and 7). 5 year old has ADHD and husband can’t mange him. I suspect eldest has ASD as well - husband oblivious. So I would be worried for them if he had them for half the week.

Has anyone experience os changing their living arrangements around to manager ASD?

Please no judging - I am emotionally raw today and cried all the way on the school run.

ASD doesn't mean a person fails to respond to the needs of others. If anything a person with ASD is often highly conscientious and wants to do things the "right" way.

Can you accept he is simply selfish?

he doesn’t contribute to the children financially (he pays the bills, i pay for childcare and anything child related even though he has always earnt at least 1/3 to double what i do).

How did I miss this? How on earth could this ever have been agreed? He's your husband, he's their father. What on earth sort of logic led to this?

Does the total of what he pays for the bills, match what you pay for the kids? Does he pay the mortgage?

I think you need some independent advice about your situation.
I actually think the asd is not the issue, are you prepared to live with these behaviours whatever the cause. You have rights within this relationship, you don't have to be the one who props up someone else continually, I actually don't think that's sustainable. It's making you unhappy,the cause is almost secondary to that.

*ASD doesn't mean a person fails to respond to the needs of others. If anything a person with ASD is often highly conscientious and wants to do things the "right" way.

Can you accept he is simply selfish?*

Im not sure how you differentiate which of an autistic persons behaviour or relationship styles is because theyre autistic and have different needs or relationship abilities and which are because theyre selfish or a bad person, because it doesnt really work like that. If this person is autistic, then that will be part of everything, how he relates to the world, how he communicates, what his needs are.
Some autistic people can find being in full time live-in relationships quite challenging. Youre not obliged to live with someone that doesnt meet your needs though, and certainly not out of some sense of duty because theyre autistic and youre supposed to make allowances or feel some sense of pity, or work through your anger at their autisticness.

I think living apart together relationships can be a GREAT solution for many people, especially aspies, but to me, it looks like this one would just be allowing him to not have any responsibilities at all, which tbh, I dont see whats in that for you

Though my situation is different to yours I strongly relate. I re-made my own life, it is more like the life I had before we met, and this may be easier for you to do if he is working away. I'm happier, feel more authentic and therefore a better parent (mostly) - I've also been able to make friends, which the tension I carried had prevented me from doing before. I have always been the sole financial contributor so the separation I had didn't change that. I also found it much easier managing everything on my own than navigating around someone else who thought so differently to me and who I found unpredictable. I realised my feeling of shame/failure/inadequacy were the result of someone/something I couldn't control they have abated and I am so much kinder to myself. I really would recommend counselling for you though, not necessarily towards a decision with the future but just for talking through your own feelings/perception because it is a lot to process. You don't have to make a really big decision, let yourself work through it. Know that you're not alone and that at the very least you have got yourself back.

Not sure any court would give 50/50 custody to someone who is being investigated for Aspergers, so you won’t need to worry. I suggest you leave as your relationship doesn’t work. Taken the kids with you and seek legal advice.

Not sure any court would give 50/50 custody to someone who is being investigated for Aspergers,

Why??

Court wouldnt usually give 50/50 residency unless the father had been doing 50/50 of the work or was the primary carer. Nothing to do with aspergers. I dont think that would come into it at all.

I think your pragmatic idea sounds good and you should at least give it a try.

I don't know OP... I mean if changing the set up would work for you, then obviously give it a go, but there's stuff in your posts that really can't be put down to autism. Stuff like him earning so much more than you, but you paying for everything child-related isn't an ASD-type thing. Its the kind of thing an ASD person might feel is acceptable, but after talking it through and having processing time, they would (in 99% of cases I think) then work out that them keeping all their money while you give all your money to look after their children, is unfair. And then they'd make a change.

Being overwhelmed by family life sometimes: fairly standard ASD-type reaction. Completely checking out: not so much.

It's possible your DH is just a selfish shit, you know.

(ASD son and husband in this house)

dottycat123 we've been discussing it on text (still haven't spoken since Monday). He was saying the same virtually - well if it is autism then what and maybe he can't change? I know him, and he wasn't saying it in a kind of - well you'll just have to put up with it way, but more like what can be done realistically? And he is also very clearly saying well we are both unhappy maybe we shouldn't struggle anymore.

Mynameisnotmichaelcane thanks for the insight, I hadn't considered that. I wish I could acknowledge everyone individually who has replied but I don't know how to

This is all one sided of course - he can be lovely. Although we aren't speaking in person last night he transferred my profile to a new iPhone which he'd got me. I woke up to it on my bedside this morning ready to go along with a pair of headphones which I'd mentioned I needed a week ago. Really no big deal of course, but this is his way of showing he cares.

Money has been a long-standing issue from when before the kids came (but then we had our own, virtually equal, money so it didn't seem a big deal. Oh how ridiculous that sounds now...we have been to a counsellor about it but haven't sorted it out. if he was to work away he would earn a ton more than now so we would have to have a serious plan of how that money is shared out so its fair and what 4/5 of the family need.

Today he said on text he wants to get diagnosed. I think he is partly in denial - he said his peculiarities aren't that different to anyone else so everyone therefore must have Asperger's. Lordy...

mynameisnotmichaelcane thanks, I hadn't considered it like that..

I wish I could acknowledge everyone who has replied but I don't know how to do it/tag people on this forum with the shortcuts!!

He won't get an Asperger's diagnosis now by the way, it's been removed from the DSM. All new cases of autism are diagnosed as an autistic spectrum disorder.

not true in practice Lonny. I was diagnosed with Aspergers in october and my friend was just a few weeks ago.

Hi iloveluckyjim. I know this is an old post but it resonated with me so much. This sounds so like my husband and our situation. He was diagnosed with adhd last year and after months of struggling we're almost at breaking point. If you don't mind me asking, did you try living apart?