Anyone whose child doesn't have a mum and a dad want to advise me? Toddler asking about 'daddy'.

[SarahAndQuack]

I'll preface this by saying I'm not worried or upset - I just want to chat to others navigating what for us is a normal phase of parenting. DD doesn't have a dad, and the combination of learning about families in nursery and getting better with her speech means she's increasingly keen to figure out who this mysterious being called 'daddy' is.

So far, she's concluded 1) it must be a generic term for men, 2) it is probably any of the men she sees frequently, including, embarrassingly, the husband of a friend and the local vicar and 3) it is probably one of her mummies.

Obviously one doesn't need to do anything dramatic as she'll figure it out on her own, but what small things did you do? Was there anything you wish you'd said earlier on? For example, if you read a book with a daddy in it, do you explain '... and that's what a daddy is' or 'and that's the little girl's daddy'? Or not?

It's very cute seeing her trying to figure it out, but I keep realising how ubiquitous daddies are in so many contexts, so she's bound to be curious.

You could focus on families all being different, then describe daddies as a male mummy. Then you are explaining daddy in the context of what she is used to.

I.e some people have two daddies, some people have two mummies. Some people have only one parent and some people have extra step-parents, while others have a mummy and a daddy

I didn't have direct experience but if it were me and asked about 'her daddy' I'd just matter of factly say she doesn't have a daddy and explain how different families have different carers, some have two daddies some only have a mummy some live with grandparents or other carers etc if you feel necessary. I think bluntness works best with children and your answers can develop as the questions do

Thanks!

Anyone who has experience here?

(I didn't post in the LGBT section because it seems to me a wider question as it'll also be something single parents have thought about, but I'm really interested in what people think who've actually been in this situation.)

Our two are adopted and have a daddy in the house but have met birth mum but not birth dad. DS was about 4 when he wanted to know about his other daddy.
I'd recommend this book www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/books/robie-h-harris/let-s-talk-about-girls-boys-babies-bodies-families-and-friends-about-girls-boys/GOR001757526 which talks about where babies come from and lots of different family structures, IVF etc.
We used it with DS from about your DD's age because he needed a framework for where DD came from!

Thanks, drspouse, that sounds really useful! And lovely to know it worked for your DS in that situation.

Ive found this book great for opening up conversations about all the different kinds of family make up. My two are adopted too so it’s been good to help them think about their birth family, foster carers and now their forever family.

www.amazon.co.uk/Great-Big-Book-Families/dp/1847805876/ref=asc_df_1847805876/?hvlocphy=1007336&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310977284312&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos=1o2&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-452354653347&hvrand=3102761837814039923

Thanks! That sounds really useful. I think especially as we hope she may one day want to make contact with her biological father, so I don't want to just go with 'you never had a dad' as an explanation.

Give the simplest version of the truth.

In a 2.4 children world, I was always aware of who was bringing me up and a simple headline of why. I knew that there was another dad that had made me but my parents were too young to be married. I was aware of dads having "seeds" that helped to make babies at quite a young age.

DS1 asked a lot of family questions at around 4, for example noticing that DH and I have mums but not dads. That then ended up in an interest in death after we explained.

By co-incidence he had curiosity in how certain parts of his body work around that time. Gradually biological words have been added in alongside simple words. At 8 he still hasn't asked The Question to join it all up... well I thought he did for a moment, but it turned out he was asking about the second hand entertainment shop CEX.

Oh, that's funny about CEX.

I was wondering when the interest in body parts would kick in, so thank you for the info! I guess I have a bit of time to figure it out, but not much. Interesting that there's such a long period where they know some of it but not all of it.

Donor Conception network do books for donor conceived children (assuming yours is) for every different type of family. They definitely have one for kids with two mums

I know, we have it.

Did you personally find it good?

Mine have known about body parts since DS was about 2 and told me he had a tail and I corrected him.

At that age, I just went with "families come in all different shapes and sizes. Some families have a mummy and a daddy. Some have two mummies. Some have two daddies. Some have just a mummy or just a daddy. Our family is..." and list of family members.

I jumped out of my skin when, aged 22 months, she asked "where's my daddy?" because it was way earlier than I expected to have to have that conversation (I blame Topsy and Tim). But she never seemed bothered - it was just part of the process of sorting things into categories and making sense of the world. Books and TV were telling her that "a family" is mummy, daddy and two kids, so she just needed to make sense of how that related to her own life.

I’d just tell them that every family is different and some have a mum and dad and some have two mums and some have two dads. When they are learning about where babies come from (either now or later) or if they somehow understand that a man is needed to make a baby you can tell them the facts of life that the sperm from a man and the egg from a woman come together to make a baby but that raising the baby is what makes a mum or dad and all families are different etc etc. The final question is ‘where is the man that made me’ and that’s up to you to decide (as I don’t know your circumstances here).

YY, isitfriday, it surprised me it's so early (and mine is older!). I know nursery has mentioned a few times that she seems to really like the 'my family' books and is interested.

I'd thought she'd be 4 or 5 before she worked it out! I don't think my niece knew men from women very securely at this age. Maybe just because she never had to think about it.

I did find it good yes. Well it was a way of talking about "the kind man" . I agree with the previous poster who said it's a way of making sense of the world. My kids are now older and have very little interest in discussing it.

By the way, I love your user name, OP.

We have a mummy and daddy, but I was keen to ensure our children knew that there is no ‘normal.’ We didn’t focus on it as an explicit conversation, but I bought books that had all sorts of parental figures - and we use the term ‘family’ and then a child has a type of family. We’ve used this to include guardians too. Some of the books we have:

Hello Sailor
Adventures of Family Fletcher
Darth Vader and Son
Yum Yum Yummy
Horton hatches an Egg

Those are what I can remember off the top of my head, but we have lots of books. We just slip these in the bookshelves and it’s become taken for granted that families come in all forms.

We are (well we're, he wanted out) a "standard" family but have gay relatives so we just went with families come in all shapes and sizes. They really didn't question it until 7 or 8 when I was asked by my younger daughter do they have one bed or two! Oddly growing up my neighbours were a household of two women plus kids (I played with the daughter) and I didn't even think it was odd, probably because my parents didn't, it was just normal.

We’re a same sex couple with two adopted kids who are currently only 3 and 1, but this will become an increasing issue for us so watching with interest.

My current take is that you just have to give them a simplified version of the truth, which you then add more detail to as they get older.

The Todd Parr Family Book is great for the idea that all families are different.

But she does have a father. Albeit a biological one.

Yes, I think that’s what my comment was getting at. There’s not lots of point in explaining genetically what the concept of a dad is. She needs to hear, in an age appropriate way, about hers.

I get that that’s really uncomfortable and I think to families like ours it can feel threatening because you might feel like the family is ‘lacking’ in something and you sort of don’t want to draw her attention to that. And believe me, it’s looooooads more complicated with a dodgy birth father in the background.

But for their sense of identity and an integrated self as they grow up, the truth is the best way to go.

Sorry, that was supposed to say ‘explaining generically’. Particularly unhelpful autocorrect in this context.

I grew up knowing I didn't have a daddy. When I asked I was just told not everyone has a daddy or a mammy. It doesn't make me any less loved bla de blah (my mam got pregnant, broke up with my dad but kept me)

My cousins are in the same situation (one a few years older than me, one 21 years younger) and they were told the same thing.

I have relatives where the mothers carried them, one mother carried one, the other mother carried two, and the kids know that they came from their mothers bellies but that is it.

At nursery age, that should be enough for her. Leave IVF etc until she is older.

I'm a single adopter - I'd also recommend the Todd Parr books