Anyone whose child doesn't have a mum and a dad want to advise me? Toddler asking about 'daddy'.

[SarahAndQuack]

I'll preface this by saying I'm not worried or upset - I just want to chat to others navigating what for us is a normal phase of parenting. DD doesn't have a dad, and the combination of learning about families in nursery and getting better with her speech means she's increasingly keen to figure out who this mysterious being called 'daddy' is.

So far, she's concluded 1) it must be a generic term for men, 2) it is probably any of the men she sees frequently, including, embarrassingly, the husband of a friend and the local vicar and 3) it is probably one of her mummies.

Obviously one doesn't need to do anything dramatic as she'll figure it out on her own, but what small things did you do? Was there anything you wish you'd said earlier on? For example, if you read a book with a daddy in it, do you explain '... and that's what a daddy is' or 'and that's the little girl's daddy'? Or not?

It's very cute seeing her trying to figure it out, but I keep realising how ubiquitous daddies are in so many contexts, so she's bound to be curious.

"The Pea that was Me" might be a good one too, it's about sperm donation/IVF.

I do think that children have the right to know about their biological origins; I'm sure everyone agrees with me, but teaching that "mummy and mama love you very much" and that "all babies grow in someone's tummy and they got there by an egg and a sperm meeting and making a little ball" are both very important.
So I don't think "families come in all shapes and sizes" is really enough, even for preschool children.
They are able to at least look at pictures and grasp that babies don't just magically appear in someone's tummy/boys and girls have different parts/you do have a daddy but he couldn't take care of you/the doctors helped put the sperm in Mummy's tummy after your bio dad gave it to the doctor (delete as appropriate).

And yes, I do think there's a point in explaining what a biological father is, genetically, at this age. Otherwise there's no real way to explain why one of my DCs is white and the other is mixed race! They grasp it and I think I'd say they got it around aged 3.

Everyone has a father, not everyone has a dad is what we say

When my now 5 y/o started noticing other people had a "daddy" I started telling her very simply that she doesn't have a daddy. She was more than happy with that explanation & told anyone who asked. We've now moved onto different sorts of families & she knows we're "just us" (her words), whereas so and so has 2 mummies, and thingamy lives with his grandparents.

We've read the donor conception network book about a sperm donor conceived child several times, but she's really not bothered or interested at this point. I think her friends are more interested in why she doesn't have a daddy than she is (possibly more their parents interest I suspect). But it's a great book to keep reading - we read it whenever she chooses it from the bookcase!

I try and just go with the flow and ask any questions she has as they arise - my plan has always been to never need to have a "big chat" because she'll always know - in an age appropriate way of course. And so far, it seems to be going to plan as much as these things do! Good luck, be honest - I don't think you can go far wrong with honesty.

Thanks isisfriday. As you can tell, I really love Sarah and Duck!

@sherlockholmespipe - YY, she has a biological father, but she's asking about a daddy. Two different things in this case.

And YY, drspouse, I agree with you.

I also think that probably children in non-typical families do start questioning earlier, and needing more complicated answers. My nieces and nephew have lesbian aunts on both sides of the family so have lots of exposure to the idea, but they're still not curious in the way my DD is because it isn't quite so central to their sense of who they are.

From experience many toddlers go through a stage of calling random men 'Daddy'.
You just need something simple and age appropriate such as 'Every child has a mummy and a daddy, your daddy does not live with us.'

I don't know that I want to imply she has a daddy living somewhere else - that could get confusing!

Also he's not her daddy. He's a biological father.

I think that for a toddler, 'he doesn't live with us' is better than 'you don't have one'.
You can get into more specific details later when its no longer a satisfactory answer for her and she starts asking more questions.

I do see the distinction, orchid, but I'm not going to tell my children not to refer to their birth fathers as "my other daddy", whatever I happen to know about them - that's their word and they can use it. "Daddy" encompasses lots of sub-roles.

I also think that probably children in non-typical families do start questioning earlier, and needing more complicated answers.
I agree - we have obviously brought this up because children should never remember being told they are adopted, but they have more of an insight and some of that has come from their questions, than would be typical for their age.

No, but surely 'he doesn't live with us' implies he ought to live with us?

She has a biological father who doesn't live with us, because he has his own wife and children.

My DCs' biological siblings don't live with us, they are pleased when they see the ones we do see (especially the one closest in age) but they accept that they can't live with us and that they have other homes.
I would like it if they could see the ones that don't communicate/won't acknowledge them but the ones they know about they don't seem that bothered that they don't live with us.

They also don't seem that bothered that their birth parents and grandparents don't live with us, and that we see some not others.

I think they realise if would be bit crowded if everyone we are related to, between us, lived with us!

And besides, even if they don't know their own biological fathers at all, even small children will know plenty of other children who have absent parents (especially fathers, and including those that they don't see much).

Yes, I suppose so.

I think a possible difference (not sure) is that her biological father went into it with no intention of being 'daddy'. I'd be quite pleased for her to make contact with him if she wants, and with his children, but I am cautious about turning it into a burden for them if she ends up feeling they are 'daddy' and 'my siblings' whereas they might feel very differently.

That's ages in the future, though, so probably not sensible to worry about!

My son doesn’t have a mum, at the minute my explanation that some children don’t have a mum to look after them is enough for him. Keep it simple and make sure it isn’t coming across as a big issue or something they can’t talk about.

I'm pretty sure none of my DCs' birth families had any intention of having children/siblings/grandchildren either...
But some of them do want contact, some don't, and some don't get the choice (owing to it being their parents who have decided no contact).

I do think my DCs accept that but who knows... and who knows what will happen in the future. It may indeed be a source of upset and trauma for them and we may need to work out a way round it. Or they may not be bothered, or they may think aged 18 is time enough etc. etc.

As someone I once met said (about nosy questions) it's all just part of the special burden of being a (insert unusual family structure here) parent.

I think it would have confused my children when they were younger if I'd told them they had a daddy but he didn't live with us. I think they would have wondered why he didn't live with us, why they didn't see him (and why they couldn't see him), when his birthday was and all sorts of things like that.

For us, taking about families coming in different shapes and sizes worked really well as a starting point to explain that not all families have daddies but we were really lucky and a kind man helped to make you.

I don't think there's one right way - all our children are different and so are our family set ups. The most important thing is that you answer their question and are truthful in an age appropriate way.

I expect you're right, drspouse, and thank you for so many thoughtful posts. It really helps me figure things out.

orchid - YY, that's my gut feeling. I think also, given that my nephew's mum and dad recently divorced, it'd be likely she'd interpret 'a dad who doesn't live with you' as being similar to that set-up, ie., a situation where there's a dad out there who will bring her presents and take her to things and so on - do the things 'dads' seem to do in her world.

It must be really hard for the "we were a family and now we're not and your daddy doesn't want to see you" DCs.
At least my DCs' and your DD's bio dads made no promises.

Yes, it really must.