Am I an over sharer?

[Poptart32]

My superior at work has accused me of being an overshare. He states I'm too close to too many of my junior members of staff and that I share too much of my personal life with them. This includes being open about mental health struggles, stately home parents etc.

I should mention that these topics are raised during natural conversation progression. It's not like I rock up to work and be like hey I was emotionally abused as a child and young adult!

Is it normal to share this much with colleagues? My superior is of the opinion that I shouldn't allow junior staff to see vulnerability in me. I see vulnerability as courageous.

What's right here?

I think if you're managing people then yes, you need to maintain a professional distance. It's fine to show empathy but you don't need to tell them your life story.

I see both sides of this, and not necessarily sure either of you are 'wrong', just very different approaches to management.

I've worked under both and found I thrives in different ways (pastorally under someone who manages like you, but probably professionally under someone like your boss).

I think on balance he is right OP. I’ve also struggled with my MH etc so I completely commend you being open with people about it, but these people work for you, they aren’t your friends. I don’t think it’s great to share too much of your personal life with anyone that you work with tbh.
You also can’t ever be sure that people are comfortable with this type of conversation in a workplace setting either - again I think it’s great that you feel comfortable being so open but not everyone does.

@Bluntness100 Thank you for replying. What do you think the downside is of this if I am managing people?

It’s hard to know without being there. I have had a manager who shared a lot of personal information that I just did not want to know. In supervision there were times that she cried about what she was going through. It was a space for me to talk about the impact of work on me, not for her to use me to offload. This doesn’t sound like you but I hugely resented her as the roles were completely wrong, I did not feel she was in charge and had little respect for her.

@dancingqueen345 Thank you. Interestingly, I am very professional at work and have this commented on regularly. My expectation of others is that they remain professional too. I definitely take on board your point if I am to expect this from others.

I think as a manager you are there to support junior staff, and what you've described sounds a bit like putting your troubles out for them to support.

@GileadWivesAreFashionIcons Thank you for being balanced in your response. I hadn't considered how others may not feel comfortable with the information they have receiving. I will definitely take this on board.

@Stompythedinosaur I understand why you think that, but honestly any sharing is in attempt to promote a culture of openness and compassion. I do not want others to help me. I want them to know they can be transparent too.

To me that blurs boundaries if you're managing people to be sharing those sorts of details about your private life and if they come up that regularly in day to day conversation it suggests the dynamic is more friends than manager.

The issue is that if you shift too much into friend mode, when you have to challenge junior staff then it can become awkward, they might take it personally (because we're friends and theyve opened up to me). You may also be placing an undue emotional burden on your junior colleagues and that has consequences (e.g. are they going to avoid being honest with you if they know the details of your mental health struggles?)

There's a suitable friendliness at work and then there's oversharing and I think you're in the latter camp.

If you're managing people then, professionally, you're not they'd equal. You're their superior and you might have to discipline or reprimand they. That could be tough if they know everything about your personal life.

@Merename Oh wow, yes I definitely would not cry in front of a junior college. I honestly have no intention of seeking support from them. If anything, I am trying to demonstrate that they too can show vulnerability and have the courage to be true to themselves.

Not their equal.

I believe that people should be authentic whatever their title. I think it is concerning that this company seems to be ignoring all the advice on mental well-being in the workplace.

Still a long way to go.

@LolaSmiles You're right; thank you. I am more in the friend zone. That's a wake up call. So, perhaps it's not that in general the information I'm sharing is too much, it's just that it's too much to share with those I'm managing?

Not everybody likes to wear their heart on their sleeve. I went through quite a bit of crap as a kid but when I hear people going on about how tough it was for them I just think 'woe is you'. Keep it to yourself or close friends. I like my bosses to be positive and upbeat.

@Gamechange Thank you - can you expand on that a little? Do you support this notion of me as a manager being so open to junior members of staff? You seem to have the same values regarding this as I do, but we seem to be the majority.

It's an unfair power balance. It's hard enough to say to a colleague they'd rather not hear about your private life but who's actually going to say that to their superior?

@StrippingTheVelvet oh wow, okay. I hope I haven't put anyone in that position.

Well done for taking on board the feedback so graciously OP. With regards to your question to Lola about the information you share, how do these sort of conversations come up, and how often? I’m struggling to imagine how this might come about to the point that your superior spoke to you about it?

Aw sorry for bursting your bubble Pop. If it helps, I'm the world's worst for oversharing .

@StrippingTheVelvet Don't be sorry, I just never thought of it that way before and it's a bit embarrassing.

@GileadWivesAreFashionIcons The conversations do not come up often. At all. But he is right that I am close to a lot of the staff I work with. They've seen me move up the ranks so to speak, and have really cheered me on and seen me through different challenges.

The conversion with my boss arose during a supervision session where I was speaking about what I needed to do in order to take the next step in my career.

Personally, i believe that by speaking out and it not being something that has to be hidden away from people, you might actually change someone's life for the better. I do also acknowledge it isnt a comfortable topic for everyone as mentioned above but I do think its one that needs to be had.

How many people talk about having a cold/headache/injuries at work? I bet every single person has spoken about one of those ailments in the workplace. Why should your mind be any different?

When I was employed I would have preferred a boss like you. When in leadership roles I have not made a secret of my own mental health battle.

I now provide workplace training in this field.

I agree with the others, sorry. Confide in your friends. Be friendly with your colleagues but keep them separate from your friends. And I think there's a huge difference from saying, "Oh that happened to me" if someone is talking about a vulnerable situation and giving a blow by blow account.