Am I an over sharer?

[Poptart32]

My superior at work has accused me of being an overshare. He states I'm too close to too many of my junior members of staff and that I share too much of my personal life with them. This includes being open about mental health struggles, stately home parents etc.

I should mention that these topics are raised during natural conversation progression. It's not like I rock up to work and be like hey I was emotionally abused as a child and young adult!

Is it normal to share this much with colleagues? My superior is of the opinion that I shouldn't allow junior staff to see vulnerability in me. I see vulnerability as courageous.

What's right here?

Gamechange
It's possible to be authentic at work without oversharing.
Equally, suggesting a manager doesn't overshare about personal information isbt breaking mental health guidelines. Nobody is saying you must pretend to have never had mental health issues and always be happy and never share.
It's just not appropriate to offload onto junior colleagues about toxic childhoods, your family relationships and mental health details.

OP
You've been really gracious and understanding with everyone's advice. I hope you've got some ideas on how to move forward.

You're a manager, not their friend. End of.

It's hard to get the balance right OP so don't beat yourself up about it.

My workplace has just had mental health week where we did lots of activities and had conversations about mental health but the ACTUAL attitude is very 'everything is awsome' even if actually you don't think it is.

It's like walking on a tightrope. Show any dissatisfaction with the status quo and you have and you need to work on your 'positive attitude' as a development area.

I say carry on but perhaps don't give so much detail? A good empathetic but neutral response may be something like "I understand as I have experienced similar myself, so if you need to talk please feel you can come to me' and leave it at that instead of 'oh yes I know exactly what you mean my parents were cunts and used to abuse me by doing x y z which gave me severe depression which I'm still on medication for, citalopram you know some days I don't even want to get out of bed'

i think if your manager has put it to you,and yet you have to aibu ...youve answerred yourself. your juniours is unlikely to give a shit bout stately homes and "im from a crap background"..two wrongs dont make it right

@LolaSmiles Thank you, again.

All the responses make sense and have given me a lot of food for thought. It is so helpful to have unbiased opinions and I am going to be much more conscious of what I do and don't share.

I'm not completely sure how i will do that yet, but I think being aware of it is a good wake up call to be more present.

apologise for spelling and wrong word round agin

It’s really great that you’ve taken on board what he said and are looking at how you can make changes - as a manager myself I can tell you that a lot of the time that isn’t the case!

I think the other thing to bear in mind is that sometimes when people think they’re building rapport and empathising that isn’t the way it comes across to the other party. My boss’s DC was hospitalised with a life threatening condition when they were 4 (she’s 23 now and in fine health), which obviously was a really scary experience for my boss. But every time I mention my DC being poorly (nothing anything like what she went through - just coughs colds etc) my boss attempts to empathise and find common ground by talking about her experience with her poorly DC, which of course was way worse than anything I’m experiencing, and it just makes me feel like my worries are insignificant and it’s all about her. I know that makes me sound like a spoilt brat and I think it comes from a good place, and I’m also not saying you do this but it’s something to bear in mind.

I know the party line. Professionalism. Adult to adult relationship. Don't compromise them or you. Respect everyone's boundaries which includes appropriate sharing. If you want to progress then read the culture and adapt.

However, i gut feel that if it's not inappropriate levels or details then actually you're changing society. Its not your shame to carry and you sound like a good news story.

I’m not sure personal chat helps anything at work, it leaves you open to personal judgments and creates fake friendship feelings when it is a professional relationship. Better to be friendly but not overly detailed on the personal stuff ime

Perhaps stick to talking about news stories rather than your own?

I would hate to work in one of these deathly dull workplaces where everyone is 'professional' and god forbid anyone shows any human frailty.

"God bless the corporation"

I work in a small office, and we have a full "organ recital" most days where everyone talks about their ailments.

But hey, if I worked for the council or NHS I would expect it to be more like this thread.

topcat I desperately want to get out but cannot work out to where.

They pay me well and I have to provide for my family so I feel I am stuck

I should mention that these topics are raised during natural conversation progression.

That does not seem a natural conversation between a manager and their staff at work, tbh. Also agree that others may feel uncomfortable with you sharing that much personal detail. It doesn't take into account, for instance, that they may be struggling with a relative or spouse who has a similar condition and work is their only chance to get away from it!

I've recently unfollowed a blogger for that reason, her current main topic is one that I read blogs to escape from. Been there already with relatives, thanks!

While it could be said that someone is courageous in their response to issues, I don't see vulnerability as courageous in itself.

It is hard to say whether this is the manager who doesn't like it, or whether anyone else has said something about it. Possibly it's just the manager, but it would be worth trying not to give quite so much detail about yourself to your colleagues IMO. When the manager refers to 'junior' staff, does that mean junior in responsibility and not in age?

Not everyone wants to share, if you are going in to really personal details of abuse you could be triggering awful memories for some of your staff that they may not want to share nor dredge up.

I think admitting you have a MH condition is fine but going in to the reasons why is not acceptable at all.

@ChicCroissant

"That does not seem a natural conversation between a manager and their staff at work, tbh."

What I've realised from this thread is that you are right. It's a natural conversation between a manager and a friend. This is why I need to change.

Thank you, @Girlofgold. That's a good way to look at it too. I'm not sure what you mean about a good news story, but appreciate you giving a different perspective.

@MrsElizabethShelby - good advice, thank you.

Thank you @Gamechange. My colleagues are very supportive (in a work sense), they voice that they want to do well under my management and will go above and beyond to achieve that.

I wonder if the difficulty is when it comes to having difficult conversations and it has to be a manager:staff approach.