Should I tell my dad that after 20 years my mum is going after him for child support owed?

[lizzlebizzle33]

I will try to keep this short and not get into my whole family history mess.

Our dad left our mum when I was 10 years old, I have 2 sisters, one was 11 at the time and the other 14. I also have a younger brother who was around 7 and is severely handicapped.

I am now 35 so this is almost 30 years ago and long forgotten (to me and my siblings) we still had a good childhood and I don't remember at the time feeling poor even though I now know we were.

So I was surprised when my mum told me she had received a letter from the CSA explaining that as my dad didn't pay child support for any of us she is still owed it and can claim for it if she wants to.
I didn't think she would do it as it's so long ago but she has just told me she decided to go ahead and has sent all the paperwork.

I just feel sick, I know it doesn't really affect me but in my opinion even though my dad didn't pay CSA he still gave us anything he could, just to us, not to my mum.

For example, the whole 3 years my sister was at university he sent her £50 a month, he has bought me 2 second hand cars, he bought me a moped on higher purchase when I was 16 and paid that off for 2 years.

My eldest sister lived with no for 2 years while she was unemployed and looking for work he looked after her.

If I ever ask him for a loan he doesn't want it paying back, not because he is well off but because he wants to help.

I just feel absolutely sick to my stomach at the thought of the past being dragged up. I realise that technically my mum is owed this money but it's not like my dad left and gave us nothing.

She also was given the house after the divorce.

There is so much more to this but i can't go on.

Do you think I should tell him what has happened or just let him open a letter when it comes and find out for himself and just stay out of it?

Given the success rate of the csa claiming current child Maintenance, I wouldn't hold out much hope of them claiming this so much later.

I think that I would not burden yourself with this. It's between them even though it relates to you. It's not your place or duty to tell him, so I would leave it with her and as pp said, don't worry about it until something comes of it

Yeh he bought you a car.. but did he give your mum anything? Did he help with her bills, your food, your clothes etc etc...

I think you're letting him off easy tbh and I wouldn't get involved. He'll find out soon enough.

I'd stay out of it.

So what if he bought gifts and gave a few quid a month direct. Your mother was the one housing, clothing and feeding you all with no help from her ex.

It's between the both of them and good for her imo. But yeah, it's unlikely to go anywhere because they're rubbish at current claims.

Stay out of it. Not you argument, not your battle.
If the letter arrives and your dad mentions it you could then try and give him full support. You say he has supported you, just not through official channels. He may need help proving this.

I guess he didn't give my mum anything, until all this I had naively never thought about it.

I just really hope my sisters and I don't have to be involved in anyway, with everything else that has gone on it's just too much

AIBU to think that after all this time it wouldn't have been that hard for my mum to just let it go?

Stay out of it. The CSA rate is the bare minimum and presumably your mum's career (if she could have one at all while looking after a severely disabled child) took a backseat as a single parent while she put clothes on your back, food in your mouths, maintained the roof over your heads and kept you sheltered from the fact that you were poor.

She's owed the money and she deserves it.

Stay out of it, its between them. The CSA will probably claw any money your dad pays now if your mum received any benefits.

Well I suppose it depends on how much she suffered to make sure you were all fed and cared for. You don't know if she missed meals or proper clothing.

I doubt that moped would have been well recieved if you were going hungry on a regular basis would it?

You just dont know the finer details that can only be speculated unless you ask her, which is why you need to stay out of it.

AIBU to think that after all this time it wouldn't have been that hard for my mum to just let it go?

Maybe your mum used the money that she would otherwise have used to pay into a pension for herself instead to pay for food for you and your siblings. So she is now facing a pretty difficult retirement.

I think it’s between your parents and you shouldn’t feel any burden to ease the way/make peace. If there are any repercussions on you as a result, your Dad’s not the man you think he is. Your Mum must have her reasons - maybe she’s bitter (understandably so) but there’s also the possibility that her pension pot and savings suffered and she wants to make that right.

One of the worst parts of being a child of divorce is feeling like the go between and wanting to just make the conflict go away by whatever means possible - but I’d resist that urge and let them get on with it. Painful as it is.

They’re lucky to have a daughter who cares deeply. Sending love.

Thank you all for your replies, they have given me a new perspective on this which I really needed.

As a stupid selfish 16 year old that really wanted a moped I guess it never occurred to me that the money would have been better going to my mum and spent on things I actually needed.

For me no or lower than it should have been maintenance meant I didn't eat enough some days, I slept in a camp bed for a year, had no holidays or nice clothes, my parents used to send me food and pay for winter clothes. I could only work part-time because of childcare costs. Men who think they can do nice things for the kids but shaft their Mum (who does all the day to day hard work) are wankers.

Seems to me like he avoided paying maintenance because he resented “giving” your mum money, but was happy to splash out on big things because it made him look good and was an ego boost, as well as a way of buying affection. Your mum had years of stress and worry (and as a single parent I can’t emphasise enough how all-consuming and stressful it is to be the sole provider for your family, and I do get reliable maintenance, but money is the number one cause of anxiety for me) and a few big gestures might make it up to you but they can’t replace those years of struggle for her. Honestly it’s so so hard being financially responsible for a family on your own.

£50 a month and a couple of second hand cars is nothing compared to feeding and bringing up three children.

I suppose it makes him look like Billy big potatoes though when your poor mum was presumably doing the hard graft.

I just also worry that I have no idea how it came about that my mum kept the house, and if it wasn't official will my dad have any grounds to try to claim his half now?

You're all right, my dad did not do enough to help my mum and it's on him that this is going to happen to him now.

Tbh . I am glad your mum is claiming it back . It sends out a message to nrp that you can’t just avoid paying till child is 19 and then it’s over.

You need to keep out of it . Her keeping the house has nothing to do with maintenance. He should of paid that regardless.

He's what's known as a Disney dad - good at big presents and the showy stuff that makes him look good, but doesn't do the things which can't be seen and publicly appreciated.
He left your mum with four kids, one of whom was severely disabled and he paid her no child support? You really have no idea how hard her life may have been and how much she struggled to feed and clothe you all and give you the happy childhood that you seem to be taking for granted. I bet that came at great cost to her - it's not like she had complete freedom to please herself during those years. I bet your dad wasn't doing 50% of the childcare, especially for the child who has severe disabilities.

Your poor mum. She must have sacrificed so much for you all while your dad got credit for expensive gifts. I am surprised your original posts were so one sided.

Stay out of it, but go home and gove your mum a big hug. Sorry, but your dad was really unfair leaving her to shoulder the financial burden.

Also, when you say she got the house, was the mortgage paid off? Of not all he did was leave her to manage that bill alone.

Even if she didn’t have a mortgage, she still had to pay a lot of bills alone.

I in no way take my childhood for granted. It was tough for us all and wasn't so great. My mum was depressed, my eldest sister ran away and my brother was taken into care.

My mum knows how much I appreciate everything she did for us.

Just re read your post and realised there were four children not three. You're mum must have been a hero to look after four DC, including one with disabilities.

Yes you are - she struggled with clothing you feeding you and a roof over your head and your dad comes in and plays the hero and gets the credit. And the things that he did are basic parenting - he sent £50 a month and you seem to think that is great.

He never paid her any money she presumably lost her youngest child because she could look after him and earn the money she needed to support her other children. And she gave you a happy childhood and never badmouthed your Dad

Because you seem to equate the money he gave you the same as your mum

it Seems unlikely that the mortgage would have been paid off when he left. Hopefully if your mum paid the mortgage on her own for ten or twenty years the house was transferred into their name. It probably wasn’t the big generous act for your dad that you think it was.

Quartz not that it matters but how do you know she never bad mouthed my dad?

I know it was a struggle for her, I lived it too. She did the best she could and we all love and appreciate her for that. I am the only one who has stayed in our home town to be with her, my sisters both live far away and have for many years.

My op was not supposed to sound one sided, I just wanted to point out that my dad didn't just ditch us and never do a thing for us ever again.

He has had his own troubles since leaving and even though I know these things wouldn't have happened to him if he had stayed with us it was hard to see him go through that too.