Should I tell my dad that after 20 years my mum is going after him for child support owed?

[lizzlebizzle33]

I will try to keep this short and not get into my whole family history mess.

Our dad left our mum when I was 10 years old, I have 2 sisters, one was 11 at the time and the other 14. I also have a younger brother who was around 7 and is severely handicapped.

I am now 35 so this is almost 30 years ago and long forgotten (to me and my siblings) we still had a good childhood and I don't remember at the time feeling poor even though I now know we were.

So I was surprised when my mum told me she had received a letter from the CSA explaining that as my dad didn't pay child support for any of us she is still owed it and can claim for it if she wants to.
I didn't think she would do it as it's so long ago but she has just told me she decided to go ahead and has sent all the paperwork.

I just feel sick, I know it doesn't really affect me but in my opinion even though my dad didn't pay CSA he still gave us anything he could, just to us, not to my mum.

For example, the whole 3 years my sister was at university he sent her £50 a month, he has bought me 2 second hand cars, he bought me a moped on higher purchase when I was 16 and paid that off for 2 years.

My eldest sister lived with no for 2 years while she was unemployed and looking for work he looked after her.

If I ever ask him for a loan he doesn't want it paying back, not because he is well off but because he wants to help.

I just feel absolutely sick to my stomach at the thought of the past being dragged up. I realise that technically my mum is owed this money but it's not like my dad left and gave us nothing.

She also was given the house after the divorce.

There is so much more to this but i can't go on.

Do you think I should tell him what has happened or just let him open a letter when it comes and find out for himself and just stay out of it?

So he didn’t help your mum financially to bring you up, left her to struggle through and only helped out as you became adults, sure that really helped you mum! Selfish man.

I know my mum is entitled to claim anything she may be owed I just can't stand the thought of any more conflict.

I would support your mum through this, if your dad talks to you about it.

Well that's why you should keep out of it

You need to stay out of it for your own sake. Don't take sides,don't support any of them. I get the feeling neither of them were exactly great parents, but you love them and are loyal to them. By getting involved you will be forced to take a side and anything you'll say or do will be seen as disloyal to the other parent. This is between them to sort out as parents and grownups.
It's not your responsibility.

Your poor mum. Stay out of it, it's not your business.

Most mums i know hide the struggle financially when they dont get maintenance from their children but i can tell you i often cried and cried worrying how i would manage at times its crippling hard and thats without parenting alone which is also very hatd and lonely . The csa is thete because its right to pay for what your children need as they grow up not what a man chooses at a whim

My mum was depressed, my eldest sister ran away and my brother was taken into care .

These things may have been avoided if your dad had done the right thing and paid his maintenance at the time.

Sending your sister 50/month, helping to buy cars etc are all basic things any decent parent would do in addition to paying maintenance for the necessities such as food and shelter.

I hope your mum does follow up on this claim and is able to get at least some, if not all, of the money she was owed years when she was most likely busting her arse off to feed and clothe her young children.

I would not give 'dad' a heads up, as that could give him a chance to hide assets/move money to make it look as though he doesn't have the funds when he quite obviously has.

Stay out of it. It's nothing todo with you.

He should have helped you as adults as well as paid maintenance. He left your mum to figure out how to feed and clothe and keep 4 children. He deprived you all. That's not a small thing.

I hope she gets every penny she's owed.

I don't blame your mum at all although I don't think she will have much success as the CSA / CMS are useless. I'm glad that you have a good relationship with your dad, but he does sound like he was some kind of fun uncle while you were growing up. He bought you fun stuff, and gave you what you wanted, while your mum struggled to give you what you NEEDED. How many school uniforms did he buy? How many hot dinners, school trips, new shoes?? Your mum would have gone without for years to provide for you all. Imagine as the resident parent if she had turned round to you and said, sorry, I'm not going to feed you anymore, you have to go without. Social services would be banging the door down!! I wouldn't say anything, let them sort it out.

I can understand not wanting the conflict. It is between them though.

From what you said your dad paid for what suited him. He gave for nice stuff not everyday mundane things. This made you feel grateful and think he was doing lots.

Your mum and his children would have benefited from a set amount each week to go towards living costs.

It's money she deserves.

Stay out of it.

And no, he can’t try to claim the house. That would have been part of the divorce settlement. That is entirely separate from child support. He was supposed to be helping with wacky things like food, shoes, and electricity. Help he gave you as young adults is normal parental assistance that happens on top of providing basics.

You have no right to be angry with your mother for pursuing debt owed her. You should be angry with your father for not caring if you had what you needed as a child.

Your dad, as mentioned above, was the Disney dad. Those things he bought were nothing compared to what it costs to bring up four children.

You know how hard the struggle was for your mother without any financial support from him. Clearly he had some funds to pay (as evidenced by buying you and your siblings things, the direct debit to your sister) yet he chose not to give the money owed to your mother. Was that out of spite? Controlling her even after divorce?

It’s a debt that is owed.

Additionally, think about the opportunity costs for your mother. If she had the child support, would she have been able to have at least some savings or pension, home repairs/maintenance done if all her money didn’t go towards struggling to raise yourself and your siblings? What was her work situation like? Did she not have funds for child care so she could have a job, build up work experience so she could earn more and be better off herself once yourself and siblings grew up and flew the nest?

I do hope she recovers some of what she is owed. In fact, it would be a good thing if this happened to dead beat dads and it be publicised so they don’t think they can get away with it just because the mother struggles until the kids are grown.

Your poor mum .. if he could buy a moped 🏍 he could have given her money to go towards the essential things like food household bills etc ..
As PP says Disney Dad ...

Stay out of it and please let your mum know how much you appreciate her ..

I’m a single mum and it’s tough at times and my ex does pay monthly without exception and pays half of school trips etc ...

I don’t about bad mouthing but given your feelings towards him I assumed she didn’t I’m sorry if she did

Here is the thing no your dad didn’t just ditch you but he DID just leave her and clearly never helped her again towards looking after the 4 children

This money wasn’t for mopeds or handouts at Uni this money would have been for uniforms food activities etc, helping towards the mortgage etc. Helping your mum