Parents coming over for dinner - panicking already

[ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule]

I've not started a thread before, so please be kind.

Small handhold needed - I've invited my parents over for dinner tonight and I'm already panicking. Dad will stand outside looking at the house like it's dirt on his shoe before coming in in his own sweet time, Mum will say everything's lovely but throw in some PA comments about things or poke around when I'm not looking. It will never be clean enough, tidy enough or uncluttered enough for them and they'll make sure I definitely know it.

I've just finished washing the skirting boards and all the gloss paint on the bannisters but I'm still panicking they'll find dirt or dust. They're coming at 6:30pm but that means 6pm because they're always what DH likes to call "passive aggressively early". I just almost had a meltdown because we have no gin, and what if they decide they want a G&T? DH is doing his best to scrape me off the ceiling but I can feel my blood pressure rising. I genuinely hope something random comes up, like a really localised earthquake, and we have to cancel because a sinkhole has opened up in the kitchen or something.

I don't even know what I want anyone to say, I think I just needed to type it out. I'm a totally strong, independent thirty-something woman with a good career, two kids, a wonderful husband and a beautiful (lived-in) home, but when I'm around them I just revert to being a 14 year old who's shit at everything and a constant disappointment. Why do I let them do this to me? I do really love them, I just wish they didn't fill me with such dread.

Is it too early to open the wine??!

Deep breaths, practice counting to 10
Yes, it’s too early for wine, if you’re pissed when they get there it’ll be a disaster
Open it at 5.30!

Can I just say that my dad always arrives about 30mins early to everything! It drives me absolutely nuts! I feel you OP

Oh you poor thing. You don’t need this anxiety!
Take a deep breath. They will arrive, you will be yourself, they will (for better or worse) be themselves and then they will leave.
You’re a thirty something, successful woman with a wonderful family. Be happy, it’s the best way to combat people who set out to beat you down

Honestly I read this with mounting horror.... Are they really this judgemental and picky? Or do you over react/over sensitive to them? What do others think?
If it's all them then I think someone needs to make a few pointed comments back or if really can't you meet up elsewhere....don't enable them to be this way.
If it's your reaction or a mix of the two... What could you do to make you less bothered by their comments

Good luck... 😬

At the front of your mind, all night, keep one sentence running in a loop. Then, if they behave badly you can say the sentence, as they leave:

Sorry the house isn't up to your standards but, now your one, single duty visit us now over, you need never come back.

And mean it. You are, as others have said, a fully functioning, loved adult. Revel in your own life rather than quake when your old one intrudes.

Best if luck surviving the night without screaming...

If it's not clean enough for them- so what?! Not their house!
Ignore any comments- your standards are just as valid as their standards. They are just being rude mentioning it.

PS I realise the less bothered comment is hard but you are obviously anxious and trying to please... There is no reason to please... You are a credit to them & they should see that and be proud

My dad always had little comments about things that hadn't been done in our house, or questions about why I hadn't got round to planting any bulbs that year or when were we going to get a new carpet surely we could afford it?

He would say these things to me even though I was pushing 50! Such an idiot. It's the main reason he wasn't invited very often - I didn't enjoy seeing him or having him in my house. He's dead now and I don't miss him ... never have.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

"revel in your own life rather than quake when your old one intrude"
Wow! Thread hijacking, sorry op.. My parents are similar or well bother me for different reasons and this sentence is just everything. Thanks

Why would you even bother? Ring them, tell them the cooker's packed up and go out for dinner where they can critique the housekeeping in the local wetherspoons.

My mum is like this so now we go and visit her. She judges everything

@chipsahoy I'm glad it helped. It took decades to get myself to that point. I am now working on not regretting the years I wasted being bothered by them

OP tell them to come half an hour later than you want them. And so what if you haven't got any gin. They'll have have something else. They sound awful. Do they have any idea that their behaviour causes you such distress?

Sorry but wtf? I wouldn’t be inviting my parents to my home if they behaved like that and made me feel like absolute shit!
You shouldn’t be scared of your own parents

Thank you everyone for the moral support. It's so stupid really, and I was fine about it yesterday it's just as it all gets closer I stress more. We hardly ever have them over. We moved in 3.5 years ago and haven't had them over for dinner since then, because it's so hugely stressful. DH is sorting the kitchen and has ordered me to have a cuppa, so I'm taking five mins break to remind myself I can totally do this. And I like the idea of repeating the sentence to myself, I'm definitely doing that!

Wee - I'd so much prefer to go for pub dinner, but we're still paying them back for part of the deposit they lent us on our house, so that sort of suggestion usually comes with comments about frivolous spending and just isn't worth it.

Happy - it's definitely not me being over-sensitive. I used to think it was, until my brother met my now SIL and they do it to them too. The difference is my brother calls them out on it, I never have because it rocks the boat too much. I'm pretty thick-skinned when it comes to anything else, they just seem to know how to push my buttons!

I do love them, I just wish they would see the positives not the negatives and be a lot less judgemental. And while I'm not glad others have the same issue, I'm glad I'm not alone!

I’d blow up I fear. I really feel for you. The PA early arrival thing is something I’m used to too. It drives me bananas but I adjust requested arrival time accordingly. If there’s any criticism just bite your tongue and go scream into the oven and get smashed when they’ve left

You poor thing. Have wine instead of tea x

I totally, totally get you. I get hugely stressed before my parents visit.

I try to have a mantra in my head (advice I got on here!). It’s my parenting where I feel judged so I try to keep saying something like ‘I am the parent, I am in control’.

I suppose I need to progress to what Curious suggests and have something ready to say to them.

I feel about 14 when I see mine too . I wish I had the answer.

Poor you op. . so sad when parents like this.

I wouldn't have cared what time my own came round, they would be fine, chat , muck in and may say something like... damp patch or fridge needs clean but probably not and only if it was true.

I had a brilliant relationship with both of them I would have never felt nervous of them comings and if I was in a squat they would have simply rolled up sleeves to help me out of love and kindness.

DH parents.

Like yours op. They never ever make us feel happy or good. Always negativity and misery pouring out of mils mouth, fil always talking as though he's our boss, lecturing us and drilling with questions.

No chat, or discussion of common subjects.. Just put downs, judgement...

Guess what! After years of misery they are not welcome anymore!!

I hear you and send solidarity- hopefully it has been ok and you have now opened the wine!

My dad is the same, he pops round unannounced then makes comments about my grass needing cut, why havent i "just" done any number of things in my house and garden- and this is despite the fact we have an autistic son, both dh and i have chronic health conditions, we run our own business and have NO family help or support.

I used to feel like you. Then i realised I actually wasnt sure i did love someone who treated me like that. Now i just nod and smile, never explain myself and try not to let it hurt. My brother has the same treatment and finds it crushing. We just want our dad to be unconditionally proud of us.

The weird thing is that he shows off to his friends about how great we are and how great my kids are, despite having no interest or relationship with us or ever telling us to our faces.

How did it go??

I also pray I don't have this affect on my dds when they are older

I'd be truly devestated and deeply ashamed if I had this effect on my adult children.

Molly that's so sad. You see my dad may have Said that but offered to cut it!

They sound mean OP. Don't allow them to do this to you.

Next time invite db+sil and he can give you tips on calling them out.
Not surprised you haven't had them over for ages!

I could have written this post 😱. We're eating out for Father's Day tomorrow - I can't take the stress anymore! Good luck - you have my sympathy