Parents coming over for dinner - panicking already

[ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule]

I've not started a thread before, so please be kind.

Small handhold needed - I've invited my parents over for dinner tonight and I'm already panicking. Dad will stand outside looking at the house like it's dirt on his shoe before coming in in his own sweet time, Mum will say everything's lovely but throw in some PA comments about things or poke around when I'm not looking. It will never be clean enough, tidy enough or uncluttered enough for them and they'll make sure I definitely know it.

I've just finished washing the skirting boards and all the gloss paint on the bannisters but I'm still panicking they'll find dirt or dust. They're coming at 6:30pm but that means 6pm because they're always what DH likes to call "passive aggressively early". I just almost had a meltdown because we have no gin, and what if they decide they want a G&T? DH is doing his best to scrape me off the ceiling but I can feel my blood pressure rising. I genuinely hope something random comes up, like a really localised earthquake, and we have to cancel because a sinkhole has opened up in the kitchen or something.

I don't even know what I want anyone to say, I think I just needed to type it out. I'm a totally strong, independent thirty-something woman with a good career, two kids, a wonderful husband and a beautiful (lived-in) home, but when I'm around them I just revert to being a 14 year old who's shit at everything and a constant disappointment. Why do I let them do this to me? I do really love them, I just wish they didn't fill me with such dread.

Is it too early to open the wine??!

Ugh. How's about 'I know, it's terrible that I'm such a slattern, but I blame the parents! Wink.

And for the next strike, 'can we not talk about house or anything negative, we're doing our best & we're wonderfully happy & that's the main thing'

I think you should be honest with them & say 'it hurts my feeling when you make judgements. Are you doing it deliberately to hurt us or are you unaware that you're being insensitive or offensive?'

If they are unaware, write down every phrase or action that affects you negatively & show then at the end of the night, their behaviour might improve if they see you writing down their jabs.

Brilliant post buckeejit! Any tips for when the comments are not said but implied? Disapproving looks or sorrowful stares are my parents’ speciality! I’m not even sure they know they are doing it.

Just say 'you look a bit depressed/sore/cross, is everything ok?'

I think people get used to their shitty attitude being accepted as it's easier for others to ignore but at least give yourself some fun with it-don't suffer alone!

My old boss used to make stuff up just so she sounded like she knew about everything. I started to go to the bother of asking where she got that figure from & pointing out where she was wrong & she simmered down.

I will try to force myself to do that, thanks!

It did not go well... but that's a whole other thread entirely! Suffice to say that it won't be happening again for a very, very long time. It's done now, and I'm just glad that's it for a good long while!

Thank you for the support, I'm lucky to have brilliant in-laws who are amazing and normal and lovely, I'll focus on the fact I've got them instead!

Well done for getting through it Zelda.

At least it’s over. What happened? (if you don’t mind me asking)

@Hiphopopotamus - it'd be a huge drip-feed if I went into details. Long story short, they raked up everything they think I've done wrong over the last year, in the end DH got mad as hell and showed Dad the door. I did have a moment of clarity though - they've been gaslighting me for years but they're wrong, I'm not a bad person, I'm bloody great actually.

OP go and buy gin. Open gin. Drink gin. And sod them. X

Well done your DH. Sorry your parents behaved so badly. Don't make any big decisions yet about what to do going forward. Let yourself calm down properly first.

That's good advice. I'm trying to be upbeat but I'm really upset (and we're meant to be going to theirs to give FD gifts this morning) so taking sometime before I do anything drastic and knee-jerky is a good plan.

Also I may buy gin.

And actually, I've never really felt like I needed someone to stick up for me, so I've never seen that side of him, but watching DH properly fight my corner with me was weirdly wonderful. I hate that he had to, but I love him so much for it. I think he'll get away with leaving his dirty socks in the middle of the floor for at least a week

What twats. We can’t choose family! And great that you have such a fab DH. Sometimes we need someone to stick up for us! And it’s always hardest to stand up to parents.

How awful that they felt the need to attack you when they had been invited to your home! Think long and hard whether you feel up to seeing them as it's Father's Day

for your dh !

My parents are the same.
I used to drive me mad with anxiety until I realised their behaviour was a reflection on their own unhappiness, rather than my capability.

Smile, nod, repeat “What an odd thing to say” drink wine and then relax because you don’t have to worry about entertaining them for another 6 months at least

That sucks, but good for you for taking the good of it. Some people are just dicks. Enjoy today & put them out of your mind!

Thanks everyone. DH thinks he may have called them twats, now he thinks about it. Oh lord this is so bad... I might write them a letter so they can't interrupt me. I'm ok, but I keep getting waves of being really upset. It'll pass, I know, I just keep replaying it in my head! I know there's always two sides to a story, but I just can't fathom it from their point of view.

Don't bother with the letter... well write it but don't send it. It will only give them snmething tangible to chew on, for years!

Just stop. Put that picture of your DH, no white horse, no shining armour, stepping in to defend you. THAT is what love is.

You can continue to dwell on, think it is 'so bad' and try to make up for it or you can use this to create an emotional distance, regain some equilibrium. Maybe not go today, FD or not!

But you now have a moment of calm, good luck sunign it to your best advantage,