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Original poster

Should spouse stay home if SAHP is ill?

53 replies

Ncbecauseshesprobablyonhere · 13/06/2019 17:05

Talking with friend today and she’s very ill with flu (real flu! She sounds awful)
She’s got 2 under 4 and couldn’t even string together a sentence.
She’s asked her husband to take the day off work to watch them tomorrow. He’s refused as he is not ill himself and she needs to suck it up. She has no one else to ask.
He works in sales so it’s not a life saving job.

So what do you think? should he take the day off or should she suck it up?

OP posts:
Sandybval · 13/06/2019 17:28

Btw I agree it's absolutely unfair, and hoping someone else is able to help and look after both the children and your friend. I am not saying it's right or just, but the state of a lot of rights at work etc are disgraceful regarding children- for both men and women.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/06/2019 17:28

My DH used to moan the odd time I was ill in bed. (Properly illl/shivering and vomiting, not just a cold or sore throat). He is never off sick which I think made him worse, attitude wise,but when you’re the main carer of germ-ridden toddlers itms inevitabke you’re going to pick illnesses up from them and be sick more than the non main carer.

OP, I would tell him “I assume you’re never going to take a day off work sick yourself then? Because if you’re telling me that I should just carry on then so should you”

AuntMarch · 13/06/2019 17:29

Sales jobs can be the stingiest when it comes to sick pay etc, it may be he is worried about the finances involved in taking the day off. He should absolutely be more sympathetic and try and find a solution rather than just dismissing her though.

Original poster
Ncbecauseshesprobablyonhere · 13/06/2019 17:30

I feel very sorry for her, she sounded drunk the amount she was stumbling her words. Her youngest is just under 1 and walking, so I don’t think a day of CBeebies is possible for her. I would do it myself but I’m away.

Tempted to tell her to just leave and go to a hotel tonight so he has no choice tomorrow. She’s more worried about the kids hurting themselves than anything.

OP posts:
BrillyPribble · 13/06/2019 17:31

Yes he absolutely should, either that or sort some alternative childcare. I was a sahm for 7 years and only needed my DH to do this twice. It's difficult and inconvenient but it's part of being a parent. Tough. If he was on his own he'd have to sort it, she is incapable of looking after the children so he's effectively leaving them unsupervised.

coffeeforone · 13/06/2019 17:32

This would be frowned upon where I work, but depends on absence history. You couldn't do it more than a couple of times. Is paying for emergency childcare an option?

Hollowvictory · 13/06/2019 17:32

@Sandybval it doesn't depend on where you work it is a statutory right. That means it is a right enshrined in law.

timeisnotaline · 13/06/2019 17:32

sandybval it’s not if she’s truly incapacitated. If he told her to suck it up he’s really telling his wife and children a huge neon lit fuck off. Most of these men if they had the flu would go to bed and stay there all day, they don’t seem to realise that their wives are people too.
I’m quite aggro about it as we had gastro/stomach bugs a few times while I was on mat leave , or at least I did as I was quite run down. My dh was home late from work one of the days (after I’d stopped vomiting so couldn’t argue with going to work) to catch up because he’s taken one child to nursery for me, and got the huff when I was upset about this. I still did all night wakes. When he got it the next week and spent two days in bed or the bath I made him do nursery runs and told him he was so lucky I was kind enough to give him that one get out of jail free card to take sick leave, as if it wasn’t clear from now on that I got the same care in our marriage that he expected, the next time he was ill he would do everything. Like he expected me to. I would go stay in a hotel and leave him to it. Knowing how angry I felt about that, if I had still actually been vomiting with it or had had proper flu, I would feel very much like he had just told us all Fuck You, you unimportant little house slave, and I’m not sure I could get over it and I definitely wouldn’t feel like doing anything for him ever again. I was raging.

Hollowvictory · 13/06/2019 17:33

It's best just to admit you were wrong sweetie

YouJustDoYou · 13/06/2019 17:34

Depends. Mine can't just stay home sometimes, so in the past I've just got on with it, even though vomiting and severely ill. If they're not school age etc it's not as bad for us as they won't be missing school but tbh I've dragged myself along walls before with kids in tow to get one in school before slowly making way back. It's obviously different though for different circumstances.

Bozlem80 · 13/06/2019 17:37

I remember being 23 weeks pregnant with my 3rd DC, I had terrible food poisoning & had to look after my DS who was 2.5 I didn’t even have the strength to make him anything to eat so I had to give him biscuits for his lunch, my DH had to go to work I remember at the time or he didn’t get paid! Luckily a friend collected my older child from school for me.

Fundays12 · 13/06/2019 17:40

Normally I would say no but given how ill she is they either need to arrange alternative care or him take the day off as parental leave. She isn’t fit to care for the kids at the moment.

CassianAndor · 13/06/2019 17:41

so how do those who's employers won't allow them time of if their DC are ill plan to cover those kinds of days?

JustLooking2019 · 13/06/2019 17:47

I think it depends on whether he could take a sick day for this and how much sickness he’d already had etc.
My work certainly wouldn’t accept me staying home for the kids just because my partner is ill.
I was a single parent for 6 years with no support so didn’t have the choice but to look after the kids through any illnesses I had

Hollowvictory · 13/06/2019 17:48

Specific to this case tho it does not sound like the dh has sought permission to be off and been denied it. He hasn't sought permission and hasn't tried to exercise his statutory right to unpaid time off, it seems.

Bumpitybumper · 13/06/2019 17:50

@JustLooking2019
My work certainly wouldn’t accept me staying home for the kids just because my partner is ill
Except they would because they legally have to...

MaximusHeadroom · 13/06/2019 17:52

If the childminder was sick he would have to take the say off. It is the same situation. Just because his child carer is unpaid, he still has responsibilty for his child.

We live in a European country where each parent gets 2 weeks per year per child to take to look after the kids if they are sick or the SAHP is sick.

coffeeforone · 13/06/2019 17:53

so how do those who's employers won't allow them time of if their DC are ill plan to cover those kinds of days?

It's really difficult...
Depending on how sick the DC is, nursery might take them and give calpol.
Or they could call in sick themselves and lie.
But employer legally has to give you emergency time off to sort it. My employer says they will allow you time to 'make arrangements' but you can't take the entire time of the DC's illness off.

Original poster
Ncbecauseshesprobablyonhere · 13/06/2019 17:53

But if you had a childminder watching the children and they were ill, you’d need to take the day off. I understand she’s a parent but the childcare provider is ill so he needs to make arrangements for the child.
She did say he never takes a sick day. I’m not sure if that’s cus he never gets ill or if he just works through anything.
She said no option for paid childcare and no family nearby, all of her friends are working or dealing with their own newborns!

OP posts:
JurassicGirl · 13/06/2019 17:56

I've only needed DH to stay home once (4 days) when I had labyrinthitus a few years ago when I actually couldn't get out of bed & was really ill. He took unpaid leave as he didn't have any annual leave left.

I was still ill the following week when he went back to work (co-incided with school holidays) but able to get up & supervise the dc from the sofa. He left us all packed lunches in the fridge & was home in time to make tea Smile

If she's really ill then yes he should stay home, they're his children too (I'm assuming).

Tutlefru · 13/06/2019 17:56

Yep he should stay off if there’s no other alternative.

Ideal? No. But unavoidable.

My DP has done the same, I was once so ill I couldn’t sit up in bed without wanting to pass out. No way could I of looked after children.

TinselTimes · 13/06/2019 18:10

Of course he should take the day off. That’s what emergency parental leave is for. Honestly she needs to tell him bluntly that she cannot safely look after the children and he has to stay home.

TinselTimes · 13/06/2019 18:10

And if he still refused she should reconsider the whole relationship!

WhatsInAName19 · 13/06/2019 18:18

He is a parent. It's his responsibility to ensure that his children are safely looked after. If your friend is so ill that she is incapable of safely caring for her children then obviously he needs to make arrangements for them. If he doesn't want to take the day off work then he needs to make alternative arrangements such as childminder, nursery, grandparents etc. What would he do if he were a single parent and the childminder was too sick to have his DC?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 13/06/2019 18:23

I'm a sAHM and a few times DH has had to take time off because I'm ill. He then works at weekends to catch up. Luckily in his job he can do that sometimes. Sometimes you can be too ill to look after children safely, especially toddlers. Now mine are nearly 8&6 the elder one often looks after me and her sister when I'm ill. (I suffer from migraines every few months where I'm unable to stand.)