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Original poster

Do you worry about your kids' 'popularity'?

52 replies

Echobelly · 11/06/2019 19:14

DH always seems to worry a lot about our kids' popularity, and I'm much more sanguine about it.

A few years ago when loads of kids didn't come to DD's party he got in a big flap that we hadn't organised enough playdates, she wasn't well liked enough for people to bother etc (though it turned out it was just a bad date for people, other parties have been fine).

He always gets upset when he sees them with peers and they spend time on their own and only have one or two friends they interact with. Both kids have 3 or 4 good friends and other less close ones, and I honestly think that is fine. I would worry if they had no one or relied solely on one child, but they don't. I don't think even the 'popular' kids have more real friends than that, they just have more hangers on in a sense.

DH seems to feel very self-conscious about having not been a popular kid; I wasn't either, but I don't much care. I did have friends and they were good ones I never had rows with.

Our kids are nice, and aren't bullies or seriously bullied. I don't really see what we could do to make things otherwise. I'm sure his very socially pushy mum must have organised lots of playdates, and that didn't help him. I'm not about to tell DD to grow her hair and be into more of the same things as her peers so she's more 'popular'. That only makes one 'tolerated' and allowed to tag along as far as I can tell. Much better to give them confidence in being themselves and that they have the right friends.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 11/06/2019 21:52

I am quite happy that mine arent the ‘popular’ kids because when I look at those type of kid as older teenagers they seem to be the ones that are more inclined to give into peer pressure as being in with the group is an important part of their identity. Mine are more mehh about having to wear stuff, do stuff and say stuff that they dont really like and are happy bumbling along with their few good friends who are similar in nature. They dont reject the popular kids, they just are more dispassionate about why some kids say and do

Pacificallythespecific · 11/06/2019 21:54

These threads always without exception turn into people slagging off popular kids, usually girls, the popular boys get a free pass.

Won’t be long until someone comes along to say popular kids end up pregnant and working in McDonalds and all the other kids will be laughing at them in 10 years.

Pacificallythespecific · 11/06/2019 21:56

FWIW, my kids are “popular” kids. I wouldn’t have cared if they hadn’t been but it seems to have made their teenage years a bit more easy

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Families
CIT80 · 11/06/2019 22:00

I have always hoped my kids would be an ‘inbetweener’ not be the bully and not be bullied ! We have had incidences where they have fallen to the other side ( both sides ) but now they are all very much 4/5 ‘real’ friends and it’s great ! Nobody really wants to be in the ‘cool’ gang !! Xxxx

Stompythedinosaur · 11/06/2019 22:03

I don't worry about them being the popular kid, but I do worry about them having no friends and being lonely or unhappy.

I'm aware that it's linked to me not having a very nice time at school because I found it hard to make friends. I've always made sure to invite a range of dc round to play as my eldest finds it much easier to make friends 1:1.

Lookingforadvice123 · 11/06/2019 22:16

My DS is only 3 and I already worry! Not about him being "popular", couldn't care less if he's one of the cool kids or not. Just worry about him not having any friends at all, he seems great one-on-one or with just two others if I have a friend with kids over, but he seems daunted by groups at his playgroups and doesn't seem to have made any friends.

I hope he finds a small number of good friends, and that will be enough. I was an inbetween type person in secondary school and am still friends with the majority of my school group. I did struggle a bit more in primary though, in a very small class of only a small number of girls.

PhossyJaw · 11/06/2019 22:20

Your DH is projecting his own issues on your children, and should calm down about it all. Popularity during your school days may be nice at the time — certainly nicer than being lonely or disliked — but is no indication of adult friendships or happiness. Your kids sound fine.

HarleyS · 11/06/2019 22:25

There are so many groups in secondary schools.
One group of people may seem popular to some whilst another may seem pathetic.
What type of friends does your husband want your kids to have?

DialANumber · 11/06/2019 22:27

I really don't worry about this. I am v keen to make sure my children are kind and don't leave others out or contribute to unhappiness and I want them to feel secure in their likeability for want of a better word.

I don't honestly care about how popular they are though. That relies on factors outside of anyone's control and is v reliant in who else is around at the time.

One thing I think is hugely important, particularly as children get bigger, is for then to know that their works is much bigger than school. I've always tried to ensure we have a mix of social interactions and they participate in clubs and activities in different areas outside of school. This means that meet lots of different people, school disagreements seem less important and can be put into perspective and it helps them to see that school is not their only social experience.

AmyFl · 11/06/2019 22:27

I've never given it a moment's thought.

Original poster
Echobelly · 11/06/2019 22:29

@Lookingforadvice123 - he's very young, most kids are not good with groups, even 1 on 1 at that age, so sounds like he's doing OK. My DS only 'parallel played' with other kids until he was about 5, and at nearly 8 is still not great at managing relationships.

@PhossyJaw - yes, I do think DH is projecting a bit, I don't think he's said anything to the kids, but I want to have a word with him and tell him I don't want him giving them a complex by implying in any way they should have more friends or anything like that. I can well imagine MIL would have either implicitly or explicitly made him feel self-conscious about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Echobelly · 12/06/2019 08:13

@HarleyS - I don't think it's about type of friends he wants them to have, more he found being unpopular a very sad experience he doesn't want them to have. I found it sometimes difficult (tbh, I was not unpopular at primary school) especially at the start of secondary school, but I was very happy with my friends later and glad I stuck to my guns and didn't change myself for others. DD knows she's not 'popular' but is fine with it... She is starting secondary this year though...

OP posts:
Luxembourgmama · 12/06/2019 08:20

Yes I worry. I was very unpopular and i believe life is easier for popular kids. My kid is only 3 but seems to have a more charming nature than I do so fingers crossed.

Lookingforadvice123 · 12/06/2019 08:35

Thanks Echobelly that's good to hear as other kids at his play group seem to be friends! I know a few of them already know each other, but I'm sure there's others who didn't who seem to have made friends.

ElizaPancakes · 12/06/2019 09:08

Yes I do. I wasn’t in the ‘popular crowd’ at school but I was liked. I was never bullied.

I have three boys all in primary. I worried and still do to some extent, not especially around being popular, but just being liked. My older two have SEN. Luckily they are all well liked, by teachers and peers.

Now I’m worrying about secondary Sad.

BettyUnderswoob · 12/06/2019 09:25

Ive never worried about my children being popular, only about them having enough friendship to make them happy.

historysock · 12/06/2019 09:27

My kids are viewed as 'popular kids'. It's not all it's cracked up to be. In dd1's case in particular it makes her act sometimes in ways she might not otherwise have-just to remain in the clique (not that she is doing anything wrong or bad per se, just she might not always be being herself totally).

Original poster
Echobelly · 12/06/2019 10:02

I don't really think being popular matters as long as you are liked by some people. You can be liked without being popular. You can be 'popular' but not really liked.

I'm not going to 'bash' popular kids - most are fine, some are lovely and some are horrid, like any sample of kids.

OP posts:
Jammydoughnuts · 12/06/2019 10:09

Tbh I'd rather my kids have good moral values and are confident enough to stand out from the crowd.

I have MH issues and am seen as 'different' among my neighbours which affects me due to anxiety. I've tried hard to teach my DC not to worry what others think of them and I think I've succeeded to a certain extent. DD is a real feminist and isn't scared to challenge things, I'm very proud Smile

And I agree with pp who said it's tough for the popular kids as there's so much peer pressure.

BlueMerchant · 12/06/2019 10:24

All I want is for my DC to have a few friends to chat to and play with. I don't care about the popularity of their friends or indeed them or if they are seen as 'cool' kids.
I found it difficult to make friends and the group of friends I hung around with at both primary and secondary tended to passive aggressively bully me which led to low self-esteem so as long as my children have true friendships that are 'equal' then I'm happy.
One of my DC who is very quiet and shy has a small group of friends and they have good group dynamics and are all quite similar.
My other DC is popular and a bit 'cliquey'. I try to discourage this.

Titsywoo · 12/06/2019 10:25

My kids have always struggled socially. DD did because she is quiet, very sensitive and can come across as awkward. DS is autistic so has always struggled. It's been harder for DD as she gets so upset by it whereas DS is happy with or without friends and shrugs off nasty behaviour. It's been hard for DH and I to watch both of them have hard times at school because of this. However they are great kids - funny and kind and generous. They have managed to find small groups of friends and are doing well. They both concentrate much harder at school because there is less to distract them and they see other friends outside of school when they can which helps. Yes it would probably have been easier if they were popular (particularly for DDs self esteem which took a hit) but I wouldn't change them and the bullying etc while horrible has certainly made them stronger. In answer to your question no, I no longer worry about it!

RuffleCrow · 12/06/2019 10:33

A former friend of my dd has a mother whose goal in life through primary school was to construct this perfect popular, academically high achieving little person. It was quite clear she wouldn't accept anything less. When the school photos came out, she wouldn't order it if her child was at the end of a line rather than in the middle Hmm

Dd says this girl now 13 "used to be so clever but now she acts really dumb in class to fit in with the popular kids and wears skirts that look like belts".

It's a very tricky age but i think we owe it to our kids not to push the idea of popularity as an 'end in itself'. If it's a side effect of an outgoing personality fair enough, let it develop naturally.

HarleyS · 12/06/2019 10:34

I had the opposite problem.
People wouldn't leave me alone.
Up until 24 I was always surrounded by people.
Then in my late twenties I started to cut people out.
I have 2 friends now.
I don't even bother with acquaintences and neighbours.

Deadringer · 12/06/2019 10:37

I didn't used to, my eldest dd1 had loads of friends so I never really thought about it. Then my DS was bullied by so called friends and dd2 struggled terribly to make and maintain friends and it broke my heart tbh. My youngest struggles too so it is something I worry about now, yes.

ChilliMum · 12/06/2019 10:38

I think your husband is projecting his own experience here. I dont worry about it and suppose I was fairly popular at school, although it wasn't something I ever thought about and nothing really to do with me. I was just lucky to have a fantastic group of friends to go to the park, shopping, cinema, sports clubs, concerts and sleepovers with.

It was luck that on the first day at secondary I was given a seat next to someone who I had a lot in common with and a similar sense of humour and we hit it off by the end of the first class.

We both had come from different primaries and so throughout the day introduced each other to friends from primary and by the end of the first week I had a made lots of new friends Smile

I don't think I ever thought of myself as popular, I am sure I had the same insecurities as everyone else and it didn't stop me getting bullied but I loved my friends and at the end of the day, they made my school life amazing.

I would only worry if my dc didn't have friends. Popularity is neither here or there.

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