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Original poster

Annoyed at babys father, would you be?

30 replies

Amy530x · 11/06/2019 10:18

I have a 6 month old son and im a single parent. We have never been together. His father sees him at the weekend for a couple of hours during the day. We have a amicable relationship and get on for the most part. I dont respect the way he treated me and he is very selfish and is self centred but i keep it civil for my son. Anyway i couldnt get out the house the other night and i asked him around 8 o clock to go and get something else for our sons teething pain as he was really struggling with it. He said he would and he did bring it however he came in, sat down for 2 mins and then said i have to go to my cousins now to say hi its her birthday and just left without even asking if i was managing ok and he knows how hard its been with our son teething the last few weeks becuase i tell him on text and he just says hope he is better soon. I was managing fine as i always do but i would have just expected him as a father to at least offer to help me and stick around for a bit because teething babys can be hard work. In my opinion he came because he wanted to show off to everyone he knows that he did something for me but will fail to tell them he was out the door 2 mins later. he wasnt even at work the next day. Then he didn’t bother asking how our son was until the next night. Do you guys think I’m overreacting or would you be annoyed to?

OP posts:

Noonooyou · 11/06/2019 10:22

Yes it's not ideal but what can you do? How old is he? He sounds quite immature.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 11/06/2019 10:24

It's ok to be miffed. It would have been nice if he stayed and helped and supported you.

But he did bring the stuff and it sounds like he sees his baby regularly and he doesn't sound like he is ditching his duties, it sounds like you both keep one another at arms length.

So in that sense YABU.

But it would nice to have a little support wouldn't it.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 11/06/2019 10:24

Honestly? I think you’re overreacting. Your son is teething, he’s not in hospital. You asked his father to bring you some medicine and he did. You’re not together, it would be pretty odd for him to make himself at home at your house at 8pm, teething baby or not.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3-6 months old 6-9 months old Babies & sleep Families

tenlittlecygnets · 11/06/2019 10:26

If you want him to parent more, then ask him. Doesn't sound like he's going to volunteer on his own.

Sandybval · 11/06/2019 10:29

If you just asked him to pick teething stuff up then perhaps it felt it inappropriate to stay. If you would have said can you help with this or something perhaps he would have, men aren't mind readers and on the whole don't seem to think the same as we do. He seems fairly involved, but if you feel it would benefit your child to have more contact and him to have more involvement can you talk to him?

LittleKitty1985 · 11/06/2019 10:31

YABU. You chose to have a child with a man you knew to be "selfish and self-centred" & you chose to be a single parent, so I don't think you have the right to complain tbh. If anything you should be grateful he's helping you at all.

Happyspud · 11/06/2019 10:33

He’s not going to be able to be a parent visiting the baby for a few hours every week. That’s on him far more than you. But ask yourself if you’re ready to give him the baby 50:50 so that he can form a bond and take responsibility (whether he wants to or not is a separate issue). If I was you I’d stay quiet and keep him more like a ‘visiting uncle’ rather than fight to make him an equal parent because from the sound of him he’d not be great at that and it would likely cause you a lot more pain and trouble than his current role.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/06/2019 10:33

I think even when men are in the house full time with their kids, they can sometimes be a bit clueless about what to do, sticking to the letter of what's been asked of them. I imagine that's exacerbated when it isn't even his home.

You asked him to get some teething gel, he did. If you need more, ask.

Can you get some teething gel and stop for an hour so i can go get a pee in peace and eat cos he's really clingy?
Can you come over tomorrow on your day off and have him so i can get some sleep as neither of us are getting much.

It isn't about begging for help ,its about making it clear what you need and expect from him.

Happyspud · 11/06/2019 10:34

I don’t agree with LittleKitty by the way. I just think you need to think very carefully about what exactly you want from this particular man in the context of who he is.

Moneybegreen · 11/06/2019 10:35

It sounds like he didn't want the child unfortunately.

Pinkmouse6 · 11/06/2019 10:39

He sounds young, immature and typically self centred so probably didn’t think to offer any help or ask how your DS was.

If you have never been an item then presumably this was the result of casual sex and you chose to become a single parent. I think you are going to have to accept it will be like this for the next 18 years tbh.

Original poster

Amy530x · 11/06/2019 11:36

Thanks for your comments everyone, I understand some men just don’t think so will take that on board. However with regards to me choosing to be a single parent, yes I did, sometimes people don’t show their true colours at the beginning, and I wouldn’t change being a single mother for the world. But he also chose to want to be involved. If he didnt that would have also been fine. I don’t think it was brilliant of him to go and bring teething stuff because that was to help his son because his sons mum couldn’t get out the house. But I would have thought it would have been decent if him to at least ask if he could do anything else to help before running out the door to do what he wanted to do. That’s all

OP posts:

Happyspud · 11/06/2019 11:40

OP it’s fair to be annoyed. He’s annoying and kind of useless. Just unfortunately there’s not really much to do about it. Best possibility is to spell out exactly what you expect of him. But if it were me I’d play the long game and not consider him the other parent unless he stepped up himself.

pessimisticstateofperception · 11/06/2019 11:45

He had plans and then went out of his way to go and get teething stuff and drop it off.

He doesn't sound like a great dad, but I think, for this incident, you're over reacting.

In your situation life becomes so much more chilled when you accept that you can't force someone to be the parent you want them to be, no amount of emotional texts, talks, or even asking is going to make him step up and be a great father unfortunately. I tried for years and years and failed and when I stopped trying their relationship deteriorated but my dc and I were a lot more settled and I was far less stressed, which benefited us greatly.

Original poster

Amy530x · 11/06/2019 11:49

Thank you. I agree with you completely. I haven’t actually said anything because I don’t actually want anything more from him and never have but sometimes things just annoy you so it was more just a rant and to see if other mums would feel the same.

OP posts:

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 11/06/2019 12:47

You don't want more from him?

But you do expect him to know that you want him to stay longer?

That's a complete contradiction.

weleasewoderick22 · 11/06/2019 12:47

Victim blaming much? I can't believe we've got to 2019 and these attitudes still exist

weleasewoderick22 · 11/06/2019 12:49

That was meant to be in bold.

Chocmallows · 11/06/2019 12:52

I wouldn't want my ex in my home. Yes it's good to have help to pick things up and to arrange contact time with, but my ex and I don't ask each other how we are feeling.

In the future you may meet a new partner and you will want your ex to support your DC, but not to be involved in your life.

Original poster

Amy530x · 11/06/2019 12:52

I didn’t need him to stay longer but I think as a father he should have asked if I needed him too

OP posts:

Chocmallows · 11/06/2019 12:53

You aren't a couple to need each other unless I'm missing something

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 11/06/2019 13:02

Fuck me. I'm glad I don't have a baby with you.
He's supposed to read your mind?

He did what you asked. You clearly don't want him around and I expect that's obvious.
He got the stuff for his baby as requested.

Doesn't sound like he can do anything right.

tenredthings · 11/06/2019 13:02

I think you have to clearly communicate what you want from him. Don't expect him to read the situation or second guess from texts saying how tiring looking after a teething baby is. He's clearly not picking up the hints and is lacking in empathy and awareness. You are going to have to spell out you and your babies needs if you want them to be met.

magicfarawaytrees · 11/06/2019 13:08

This site makes me laugh sometimes- if someone has a husband or partner on here they are cast as the devil incarnate if they dare have a night out up until the baby being 12 months or so. With single mothers they just get told to 'crack on' with no support. It does seem a bit unbalanced.

(And fwiw I am not a single parent)!

Soola · 11/06/2019 13:12

As you are not together as a couple then I think he did the right thing by leaving quickly as he doesn’t want to get involved in any emotional attachment with you.

It’s tough but that’s what it is.

He helped by bringing you the stuff required. I don’t think you can ask for more but do understand you were feeling low and could have done with some tea and sympathy, it’s just he’s the wrong person to get it from.

As an aside, buy Ashton and Parsons powder as it stops all teething woes.

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