Friends , but was a loving affair

[keepsmiling1985]

Try and keep this short.

Never have cheated but 3 years ago both eyes crossed and boom. Talked and had fun but did not leave my number. Exactly 1 year later seen each other and we started an affair. He has had a number of them in the past but for me this was my first. Laid the cards out on the table and said him and her do not sleep together ( have actually seen for myself ) and have no love lost between them. Financial reasons. She holds the purse strings though he's not short.

Okay all of last year was amazing. Fun , laughter and the other stuff. Love and passion for each other was infectious. Bought me a committed diamond ring too. Few disagreements through the year but we still managed to get out when we could.
Plus the odd night away .

This year has changed. Told me a few months ago he just wants to be bbf's , still love me but no future commitment or relationship. I think deep down i could see it coming. I know him better than he knows himself. Its now just coffee , odd meal one tea time. No weekends , it use to be once a month , no hotels. I then come to the decision no bedroom either. He said it was like a stab in the heart. I'm i being unfair.?? I love and adore him and look forward to seeing him but is it worth just 4 hours of my time per week ?? He said if he was 10 years younger he would take me and the kids on. Thing is he is too truthful sometimes and i want to scream at him.

He is very sociable and a busy guy , said nobody is out there who would ever take my place and i will always be his friend. When he is at his local pub he dont like it if i go out. He also got grown up kids with grand kids and loves them to bits. He is slightly older them myself.

I want to block him out of my life but some days he just keeps me going.

Only my close aunties is aware of this and just wants me happy. My dh loves me and the trust is there but i can't help my feelings. I too got teenage and grown up children too.

Seen him yesterday for 3 hours and he wants thursday tea time too.

Oh and he hates me going out because of the way we met and any man would chat me up. I am not like that though.

Please help me on this one as im sick of constantly thinking of us. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Xx

As above

He’s not going to change as he’s having his cake and eating it
You’re worth more - as is your husband and his wife

Gotta admit, you seem a bit gullible from that first paragraph. Who cares if they don’t sleep together anyway - that doesn’t give people the moral right to go elsewhere?

He doesn’t want you, but he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.

You owe it to yourself and your DH to give this friendship up and decide what your are doing with your marriage

For goodness sake, he’s using you. Get yourself some self respect and bail out.

Your poor trusting husband. He deserves better than you.

How can you have seen for yourself that he doesn't sleep with his wife?!
Also you really need to sort your head out. Do you love your husband? If you don't then you should leave him. He's your primary relationship, you should decide how you feel about him. The affair guy is a dick and you need to block him.

Oh dear.
I can see so many points that will be raised here.
I'll stick to two. Am I right in thinking you too have a partner? It's not totally clear to me (I may not have read attentively enough; apologies if so).

And: Laid the cards out on the table and said him and her do not sleep together ( have actually seen for myself )

Huh? What on earth do you mean?

Ah. Three points.
This is sooo cliched, is it a wind-up?
Again, apologies for asking if it isn't.

You are lucky your husband hasn’t found out about this.

End this affair which was always going to go nowhere and focus on your own family like you should have done in the first place. Or end your relationship and be free to seek out an available man who ticks al your boxes.

End it. Sort yourself out. Sort your marriage out or leave.

Your husband and children deserve better. So does his wife. Your post is worded as if people are supposed to feel sorry for you and sympathise with your situation.

I have no sympathy for you.

Ah. You do have a DH (I should have paid more attention).

Maybe you should uncross your eyes (yes, I know what you meant; just read oddly) so you can see clearly.
And stop reading trashy novels.
Or start reading them and just live this tired old scenario vicariously.

does your husband not see your committed diamond ring?
anyway, i think you should finish with him. you have to find something else to keep you going.

1. he doesnt stay with his wife because of financial reasons
2. He is cooling off because he has found someone else who excites him more then you do

Do your partner's not realise how often you go missing? If I was going out/staying out so much my DP would definitely notice, do they know?

End it, he's had his fun with you and now he's ditched you but doesn't want anyone else to have you. If he cares as much as he would like you to think, you ending it might be the wake up call he needs to leave his wife and commit to you, if not you know how he really feels.

Thankyou for the quick replies.

My husband is very blinkered. I wear jewellery and have always looked after my belongings.

I had been to his home once.

I have always had a very socialable life so no questions was ever asked.. my parents have never liked him because he drinks alot. He does hold down a job but its not 40+ . We had a huge row 2 years ago about the drinking but it hasnt eased. It is not easy believe me.

I adore and love my children and they are my world.

I am not a strong person either.

He also said only messages during work for him but not in the evening unless " she has popped out ".

I'm sat here wanting to message him and say no for our meet up on thursday. X

What’s his reasoning for cutting the time back with you? ( why I ask is it seems odd for someone who loves someone to want to spend less time with you unless ... new affair is on the horizon .. or wife is suspicious)

Do you plan to leave your husband ( not for this guy but ever ... because he may leave you if he figures out what’s happening and you need to be ok with that outcome if you continue )

Before you text back ... actually make other plans ... that way you won’t be sat at home thinking I could be with this guy ... distract yourself .

You sound like someone that when you have feelings for someone you are committed ( feelings for husband gone hence affair I am guessing ?)

But he has had multiple affairs ... suggesting excitement / the chase / variety are what drive him ... I half expect he doesn’t want the sex with his wife because he has been with her too long / and she prob has half a clue what he is like and it’s a bit off putting for her ...

He is a stop gap / you may love him but don’t expect life long commitment ... he is fun and loving but he will ultimately want to be your friend with the option of benefits... the reason you want to say no to sex is he can’t offer you the emotional depth and time you desire which hurts you .. he switched it on you by saying you hurt him .

Newmumma83

You are correct on a number of pointers.

His wife does watch him hence no messages on phone in the evening. Plus her friend seen us together last year and he denied it all. He has always had 4 holidays abroad every year and she just lets him go. He only had 2 last year. Told him i would never stop him.

I was lucky enough to go away with my mum and aunties and whilst there he showered me with so much love , affection and future conversation that i was shocked. Low and behold came back and said he said all that to keep us both going as we missed one another. I was angry and told him that was cruel.

I need to focus on keeping myself busy and to hell with him. I wanted him to always love me and not leave me.

I don't want any sympathy just some help. Xx

You’re just a masseuse to him.

Someone to massage his ego. You are being dangled on a piece of string and he yanks it when he wants to see you.

What right has he got to be annoyed when you go out yet he does whatever he wants to?

This isn’t love, it’s him falling asleep at night with the smug satisfaction that you and probably others are fretting and worrying about him and when will they see him next.

Look at it this way, you don’t matter to him, but your attention to him does.

That’s what it’s all about, getting someone to hang around on the piece of string that he can jerk around.

And now look at you, completely blinkered in your affections that you see love where there is none. You are behaving disgustingly towards your husband and should live in fear and shame that one day you will be caught out and your lies and deviousness exposed.

It’s not to late to redeem yourself and kick the player, for that is what he is, to the kerb and decide to honour your marriage vows and stay with your husband and be faithful or to split.

You talk about your children being your everything yet you are letting them down by leading a life filled with lies and without morals.

Again , points you made are absolutely correct.

Have i been a fool ?? Yes i have and i am slowly starting to realise this.

I loved the bones of him but he cannot cope with stress and too much on his plate. Oh and 3 of his friends are having fun with other woman and they do bedroom. Yeah but we are not them sorry.

Walk away, he’s kept you dangling now expects you to be on tap for a quick shag? Doesn’t like you going out? He has no say in your life, absolute cheek.

Having his cake and eating it.

My dh loves me and the trust is there

More fool him.

You need to tell him.

You can't adore and love your children that much if you are fucking another man and putting their entire stability at risk. As someone whose parent had an affair that was found out, you need to stop this now. The damage and pain it cause my family was horrendous, even more because it was inflicted on us by someone who loved us.

For Gods sake. Is it really worth it to you?

I know him better than he knows himself 😂 no you don't.

And I know lots of people who sleep in separate beds (because one is a light sleeper/hogs duvet/snores/wakes early) but they have sex before they go to sleep.

You're being ridiculous. This is not special and it's not love. It's just like any other nasty affair. You should tell your husband and block this other man.

I am trying my upmost to block him. I so want to walk away and to hell with him. As i said previously never have done anything like this before and boy it hurts so no no for the future.

My kids love and adore both me and their dad , problems in families as everyone does but we managed to pull through them. I just need to be stronger with dh drinking habits now. I have always been the quiet laid back one but i feel no more now. Xx