16 months old...advice on discipline? Stricter parenting?

[IABUQueen]

I have a 16 mo old boy, who is absolutely lovely. Likes sharing and smiling all the time. Enjoys other people’s companies and brings joy to everyone around. He trusts me and looks for my approval in whatever he does (as they do at that age).

I have so far been baby led in everything, breastfeeding, routine, feeding and even parenting. I have been exploring his character and I’ve been enjoying parenting him so far.

However, the lack of structure and routine has been draining. And my lack of ability to say “No” while he listens means I carry him a lot and I just distract him when he has tantrums and comfort him.

I am however pregnant and am scared about how this will work with another baby in the picture. I am also being warned that when he hits the terrible 2s he will unleash a difficult attitude and that I am not doing him a favor by teaching him from now that as a parent it should be my way or nothing else..

I’ve been uncomfortable with this advice until I saw a friend of mine parenting her child who is much younger. And she was extremely strict with her about house rules and behaviour around adults. And her child seems to understand and be quite desciplined.

But I can’t get myself to be this strict as a parent as I’ve always felt this is the correct approach when a child has the comprehensive ability to understand consequences.. and that for now it’s about teaching them through play. But I have nothing to go by.

I am not completely passive.. I have a reasonable ability to communicate with my son and hear his needs out. But I’m worried this is temporary as this is the age where they actually want approval and soon it will be over. I don’t want to realise things too late.

So I want to know, do you think baby led parenting will put impossible pressures on me later on as a parent and make it more likely for me to lose control? Do you feel I should enforce house rules regardless and expect a child to understand that sometimes parental authority in the house is to be followed and not questioned ?

Am I spoiling my child and about to regret it?

What are you going to discipline a 16 month old for?

should say

*im not doing him a favor by not teaching him from now about parental authority..

You can’t force rules onto a 16 month old. You can correct their behaviour consistently though so that they recognise the pattern of behaviour.
Lack of consistency is the problem. If you let him touch something breakable one day and not the next, you are giving mixed messages. You have to stick to it.

No. At that age they’re exploring. Just remove, distract or redirect!

Suggest you read “how to talk so little kids will listen” before your second is born so you have tips down the line for when your eldest is older.

There's a happy medium - you need to allow him to explore the world, to express his personality etc but you also need to instil in him the rules we live by, but it's not about discipline at that age, it's about repetition and showing him the right way.

You’ll need to give some examples before people could give their opinion I think.
I was telling mine at that age not to hit for example, and not to eat sand etc. I would never have “told them off” or given them a punishment though.

Discipline doesn't work on a 16 month old. They don't understand

So I’m not too sure how to explain it was more of the attitude than the actual rules.

The attitude was , I’m a parent follow my lead. Don’t question I have your interest at heart.

Whereas my attitude was I let him express himself as much as possible, and when I can distract him from something wrong I would. But he does get to have his way many times. If he doesn’t want to sit on a high chair I follow him around with food. If he wants to go to another room I go with him Abd we play there and stop what I’m doing.

For her, she tells her child to be quiet and they would listen. She tells them firmly to stay seated and they would. Tell them to be quiet and they go quiet.

It’s as if the child understands the firm instruction and that their mum will be disappointed if they don’t stop the behavior. My son thinks me saying no is a game.

If he eats sand I just distract him but he couldn’t care less if I said no or not lol.

To my friend that’s a sign that I’m soon things will spiral out of control and I will be more inclined to shout when I’m not managing and I might as well teach them who is in charge from now.

Don’t know

I’ve used this parenting site as my guide for 5 years now with my two DC (5 and under) and it’s never steered me wrong. It just felt like the right way of doing things for me (I’d be v similar to you in outlook from what I can tell from your OP).

www.ahaparenting.com/

It’s very much about the long game. So, no, I do not have perfectly disciplined preschoolers- but they are very sweet and kind and happy and I’m hopeful they’re going to be compassionate and decent grown-ups down the line.

I don’t follow it religiously. I’m human- sometimes I yell and impose arbitrary rules because I think I should, but then I pop back for a read of some relevant piece and it re-calibrates things back to the loving approach that works best for us.

I would say you and your friend are quite different extremes. Don't make "no" into a game. Don't smile or laugh when you say it, even if he does. Say "no" firmly then remove or distract. If he cries keep layfully distracting, but don't give in to him. Don't use "no" if you're not going to follow through on it.
For example, I let DD out of her high chair when she wants, but she can't have any more food then. If she wants more, she goes back in.
I have to say I never, ever got cross with my sweet natured DS and his mischievous ways...until his baby brother came along and I was exhausted. Then it wasn't so cute any more.

Of note she gives good advice on setting limits for the things that matter. So sitting at the table to eat is important to me, so that’s one of our rules. Also, “we don’t hurt each other” (hitting, unkind words etc). Sounds a bit sickly sweet but it works really well!

Baby led weaning is a pain in the ass when you have two children with a small age gap - remember your DS may regress a bit (or a lot!) after the baby is born to get more attention. If you are basically letting him take the lead for how much attention you give him, you might end up struggling to cope with the baby too.

Where is the boy’s father in all this? He will need to take on more responsibility.

Thanks everyone. I will have a look at the website and the book when son is asleep.

To give an example, if my son does something that I don’t want him doing, he for example runs away while I’m feeding him... I would very softly lure him back to come back to his food.

My tone is very softly spoken with him. I feel he likes to make me happy and so I keep repeating my instruction in a very loving soft manner “ come back baby, come back my love”. And perhaps offer something that he likes like a fruit.

He might end up coming back or might not. I might end up going to him and carrying him back. He certainly was not being told off and never saw it as such.

But I noticed my friends approach seemed more efficient in the short term, not sure about implication of the long term.

She would simply use a very firm voice, with her 1 year old, who was probably snapping a baby busicuit in half or chucking it out of the High chair. A very stern voice. And the baby would suddenly stop what they were doing clearly understanding that this behavior upsets the mother.

My son is 16 months and when he would chuck things out of the high chair, I would say no to him. Soft tone. He would listen to me at times but many times he won’t and I’ll end up distracting him.

I can see how in the short term being more firm and stern might let the child understand that a parents instruction is to be respected. But I’m too scared to damage the trusting relationship I have with my son as I feel scared it would traumatize him from expressing himself at this age..

But I can be a snowflake when it comes to kids. When I used to teach a group of children, I fostered a very loving relationship with them.. but I was always receiving complains from management that I need to be firmer, and that the kids were taken advantage of my soft nature.. it drained me but equally enjoyed every second of it.. but did often have the situation spiral out of control which meant I couldn’t get as much as I needed done... and I ended up just “trying my best”.

So I’m questioning my style for that reason

I have to say I never, ever got cross with my sweet natured DS and his mischievous ways...until his baby brother came along and I was exhausted. Then it wasn't so cute any more.

Yes that is my fear and I don’t want to suddenly start instilling rules about behavior when next baby comes because I would feel guilty and he would feel like it’s all because of the new baby.

I need to do what’s best for him before baby comes so that he copes better and is used to it.

I have a nephew who was baby led reared and he has turned into a really difficult to handle, attention seeking 3 yo. It was very difficult for sil to cope with the baby too but it was too difficult for others to look after him as he didn’t listen at all.

My other nephew and neice were raised in the style of your friend, so firm tone and an expectation of punishment if they didn’t listen (nothing abusive - mostly naughty step / go to their rooms. They aren’t less confident - in fact they are more so, and are actually better able to hold their own in an argument and negotiate.

I think your friend is a bit overkill and her child is perhaps more compliant by nature. Of course personality can be inherited so often parents with rigid rules have children who appreciate clarity and directness! But you might be a bit too far the other way. It's totally reasonable to play in a different room but I wouldn't follow a child around with food. You do need to have some boundaries and I do agree with your friend that it makes a child feel secure to know what the boundaries are. But I don't agree that you're setting yourself up for failure by not "laying down the law" now.

To me the important thing is recognising what you can control, and what you can't. You can control what your child has access to (at least while they are little) but you can't control how they actually behave. So if you don't want them to eat sand, it's more effective to keep them away from sand than to try and tell them off or distract them when they want to eat it. I don't believe consequences work for children under about 3. And I would control their environment rather than try to control their behaviour, or redirect the behaviour. So for example if you decide the rule is that food must be eaten at the table or in the highchair, stick to that. You can't force them to eat. They get to choose whether they eat or not, but you control the bit you have control over - where food is made available.

Teddy I most definitely was hoping to change my style as the baby grows and understands what rules mean. Was hoping to introduce rules based on his comprehension and perhaps be a bit stricter on descipline when they’re 5/6.

How soon does one start being strict before it’s too late ?

I think children like boundaries. As they get older, they develop a very strong sense of right and wrong. My twins are 3.5 and we have frequent conversations and what is kind and what isn’t, and how they feel and how other people might feel. Most of these conversations are instigated by them. To me, it’s important that their feelings are listened to, but also that they understand boundaries and my expectations of their behaviour. At 16 months, there isn’t a lot to do in terms of discipline, but I think it’s fine to start setting consistent expectations then. For example, I wouldn’t be following him around with food, but equally I wouldn’t shout at him for dropping something on the floor. I’d just quietly pick it up and take it away.

I like the Aha Parenting website and a book I've recently downloaded called "How to talk so your little kids will listen". Very similar approaches.

I started out very gentle/permissive but I realised that I needed to assert some boundaries and rules, because you just can't live your life chasing a toddler around with food because they refuse to sit at the table! I try to pick my battles, obviously there are non-negotiables which I am very firm about (eg safety, not hitting others), then there are important things like changing nappy, eating/meals, etc, which seem like constant battles, but I have been trying to use some of the techniques recommended and it can take extra energy and patience but it seems to be helping (touch wood).

My son is very strong willed so I try to give him as much agency and independence as possible so that when I have to insist on my way, there is a bit of give and take (rather than me always being "in charge"). I have also found that it helps to explain things - he understands more than I expected him to.

There is a middle Road certain rules, such as we sit at the table to eat food, but we ignore food that is dropped on the floor.
Sitting at table was a safety issue for me, choking is far more likely to happen if you eat when moving around, but I had a mat beneath the highchair and just ignored what hit the floor.

If you know that you have a lack of ability to say no, and something is telling you that you haven't put enough boundaries in, that really should be your cue to adjust how you are treating him.

Discipline isn't a bad thing. It's necessary, and although sometimes it makes your child very, very cross, it's not cruel in any way. It's setting out the basic rules and 5/6 years old is far too late for that.

There is a difference between discipline and boundaries though. You can say no without punishing your child.

Gentle parenting isn’t the same as permissive parenting. Being gentle doesn’t mean that you never say no, and you still set boundaries. So decide what boundaries you wish to enforce, and what you are happy to let your child lead on. Of course he won’t like it if he doesn’t get his own way, but you can empathise and explain.

My style of discipline has been like yours but as my daughter approached 2 I became a bit firmer. I don’t want to be saying no and disciplining 24/7 so I use distraction and being a bit silly at times but I’m firm when I feel she needs to be. I do think 5/6 might be a little late but then it depends whether your current strategies still work when she’s 3.
The main thing to me is that children can’t always do/have what they want as it’s not always in their best interest.
I’m interested in your friend parenting as I feel that with my DD even being much firmer at younger than 16 months wouldn’t have worked as she didn’t understand. I want my DD to understand why I’m telling her off or stopping her doing something

perhaps be a bit stricter on descipline when they’re 5/6.

Jesus he'll be a horror if you wait till then. Kids need boundaries - you're the parent, it's your job to set those boundaries. Do you think nursery will follow him round the room with a spoon of yoghurt?