I’m upstairs hiding in my bedroom in my own fucking house to avoid dealing with another of my mother’s several-hours-long hissy fits about me, my siblings and my dad. Mother is downstairs playing happily with my toddler DD, her only grandchild. She turned up with a separate suitcase full of sweets, clothes, and toys on her most recent visit and is very physically affectionate with DD, cooks her favourite food, plays her favourite games all the time, so is very much loved by DD. However doesn’t do (although nor do I expect) any parental drudgery such as nappies, bath + bed or the dreaded nursery drop off. The grandma equivalent of the Disney Dad.
My mother was never physically or emotionally affectionate with us - in fact had serious anger management issues and often smacked us - and remains very critical and manipulative about us four kids in adulthood. Martyred herself for us, apparently, and is simultaneously proud and dismissive (yes, simultaneously) of our achievements, which are clearly down to her superior parenting. Whereas we are successful in spite of her, not because of her, applying ourselves at school and at work because they were such peaceful and predictable environments. Mercifully my siblings are all in agreement about our childhood and her behaviour then and now, which makes it easier to bear.
My dad was a workaholic, an alcoholic, and very controlling financially during their marriage. They divorced on very bad terms 20 odd years ago, but are now fairly amicable (except when my mother is slagging him off behind his back). She received a huge financial settlement (my father was a lot richer than he ever let on). He has been sober for years and is back in our family fold (the main reason for my mother’s continued bitterness). We are three siblings plus a half sibling from my dad’s previous marriage, and in adulthood have chosen to keep our distance from our parents but we are not quite estranged from them. They came - together- to our weddings, are devoted to DD and anxiously excited about my sister’s pregnancy. Since DD was born they have come to visit her - both separately and together - 3-4 times a year for a week or two each time. (Both live some distance away). Since DD’s birth we have seen them more often than in the previous 20 years put together.
My daughter adores them both and longs to see them but I literally can’t manage more than a few hours in my mother’s company. Neither can DH nor the sibling who lives closest to us, but at least they can escape to work or to their home; as a SAHM I’m stuck hosting my mother for a fortnight at a time.
Dad is easier as he isn’t a talker and is contrite about the past rather than bitter. We keep the chat light and he fits in with us and our plans. My mother OTOH expects us to remake our family home dynamics of 20 years ago, with her the matriarch at the centre of an adoring family (which we never were).
One of the ways my mother isolated us - of course we didn’t realise this is what she was doing at the time - was estrange us from our grandparents and extended family, particularly in the aftermath of the divorce.
I’ve just had a flash of clarity and realised this is the exact road I must not go down with DD, but just don’t know how I can retain my sanity whilst inviting such a toxic relationship back into my life.
Does anyone have any tips? I can’t let DD go home with my mother as I couldn’t guarantee she would be safe. My mother still believes in corporal punishment and still has a terrifying temper.