DV possible trigger - I’ve left help me stay away

[SittingAtARailwayStation]

I’ve been with DP for 3 years. We are early 50s.
I was married for 25 years previously.
When my ex & I had separated he came to my house one evening (I had met DP by this point) we were discussing our DCs before we disagreed on something. He smashed my handbag repeatedly against the wall before grabbing me by the neck before I was able to get away. As I ran up the stairs he grabbed my leg before coming to his senses & being completely remorseful over what happened.
DP was absolutely horrified. He jumped in his car & drove an hour to support me as I was in bits.
DP & I are going through great financial difficulties at the moment. I work every hour I can (10 hours a day).
This week I went to see my adult DCs & ended up having to stay over because I wasn’t feeling well.
DCs seem to have told their dad in passing.
Last night I went to bed as I was exhausted.
I leave my phones downstairs.
DP woke me up at 3am screaming at me with my phone in his hand.
Ex had messaged ‘hope you feeling ok now’ . Ex is remarried & we are reasonably ok terms .
DP ripped all my clothes out the wardrobe & threw at me but then he grabbed me by the throat.
I’ve left. I’m sat in a coffee shop. He’s messaged me 100s of times.
I just feel toxic. I’ve made 2 men do this to me.
I just feel worthless

YOU have not made two men do this, this is all on them.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Just remember, you've survived this before, you absolutely can do it again

Do you have somewhere you could go and stay, family or friends? First step is to find somewhere safe where you can have a rest and think about what you want to do next then how to do it. Call Women's Aid for professional advice too.

You did not make them do this, they chose to act this way

And block his number, you can do it via phone settings. You can always unblock it later but for now it'll give you some headspace without your phone buzzing every few minutes.

You must report this to the police and you need to completely block him from your life. A man strangling a woman is one of the top indicators that he is capable of killing her. You are out so stay out. Never be alone with him again, for any reason.

Call the police right now.

Thank you.
I’m walking to see a friend now. I managed to pack a small rucsac to tide me over for a few days.
It’s just the remorse texts are relentless so will block as advised.
I just can’t believe it.
I couldn’t even get out of my room this morning as he’d piled all my suitcases up against the door.
I never believed he was capable of this.

You are not toxic, lovely.
Not at all.

There are two things at play here.

1. men who are abusive are like that because they are severely damaged. They're also very good at picking up on women who feel slightly more vulnerable than others. They pick up on lower self-esteem. They are very good actors up until the point they lose their temper and show you their true colours.

2. because of the abuse of your previous partner, you were damaged. Did you seek any counselling at all for that? It will have, inevitably, scarred you and left you vulnerable. You need to work on yourself, your self esteem, your self worth, your self love before you get into a relationship with anyone else again.

But this is not your fault, in ANY way, shape or form. Men are abusive because they're violent and dangerous. Not because you've made them that way.

You've taken the bravest step by leaving and it is brave, believe me. It takes such courage.

Call Womens Aid, they can assist you further in regards to your next step. Alot of people on DV threads send links to the Freedom Programme as well.

Do you have somewhere safe to go in the meantime? Family? Friends?

This wasn't your fault. It isn't possible to make somebody do this, it's a decision you make. I'm so sorry, but also glad that you have got away.

So sorry, I meant to type it's a decision THEY make!

I just feel toxic. I’ve made 2 men do this to me.

No. No you haven't, please don't think like that.
It's all on them not you.
Really isn't a normal reaction to a message on a phone, believe me.
Hope you're OK and have got away OK

Well done for getting out. It's fantastic that you've made it so clear to your partner that his conduct is way beyond every boundary. You aren't worthless, you're worth SO much.

It's nothing you have done wrong.

I hope you are somewhere safe now and bring well looked after.

You did not cause this
You cannot change this
You are not at fault
Well done on leaving this abusive twat.

This was all him. It has nothing to do with you.

Been in your situation OP, this is not your fault in any way, you did not make him behave like this.

You do need to report it even if you don’t press charges, the police are really good at helping with DV issues. I had a lot of help from the police when I kicked my ex out, like yours I was bombarded with texts begging me to forgive him and take him back, the police supported me by putting me on their emergency contact so they could get to me quicker if he came to my house. They also collected his things from my house and made him collect them from the police station so he had no reason to make contact with me. Eventually they arrested him for harassment and stuck an injunction in him so he couldn’t come anywhere near me. If you contact the police they can help you collect the rest of your things.

I would block him on the phone, send him one message saying “please don’t contact me again, I am blocking you now”, you have no reason to contact him other than to arrange to collect your things. Stay with friends and family, they can help support you and guide you (stop you from returning to him), it is hard and there was times I could have easily took him back.

It's nothing you've done.

This analogy - the shark cage - might be helpful (it's an attempt to explain how some women end up being victims of repeated DV without being victim blaming about it):
sundayeveryday.me/2016/01/26/tuesday-talks-the-shark-cage/

Basically, the idea is that we need to build a shark cage to keep predators away, and we can't do this without help. If our parents/adults around us model good boundaries, we build a good shark cage. If they don't, we grow up without one. And, extending the metaphor a bit, later experiences - e.g. your first husband - can unscrew the bars in our existing shark cage, leaving us vulnerable to new predators swimming in.

As others have said upthread, abusers don't pick their victims at random. They're very very good at spotting women who are vulnerable. And weirdly, things can go reasonably well so long as the woman is still feeling vulnerable - because then she's submissive and quiet and subdued, just the way they want her to be. Ironically, it's when she begins to recover and show some independence and more of her own personality that the new offender turns violent, to try to shove her back into her box.

Your latest chap was happy playing white knight and driving to your rescue across the country when he thought you were suitably helpless and submissive. Now you're showing traits of independence he can't handle it. This is not your fault, it's entirely his.

You've not done anything wrong here.

You have done nothing wrong, and I think you will eventually need to have some counselling so that this mindset can be changed.

Blaming yourself for the actions of other people is not healthy.

He is a fully grown adult, he could have walked away, he could have counted to ten, he could have gone for a walk, he could have punched a cushion, he could have done any one of those things to prevent him actually assaulting you, and grabbing you around your throat.

Don't take him back ever, next time you may not be so lucky as to walk away.

Meet with a friend tell them everything. Other people can collect your things, for now make sure your passwords are all changed, your phone is blocked from his incessant calls, and you make plans to live elsewhere (if it is not your home) If it is your home you may need the help of the police to remove him safely.

Tell everyone now, so you are not tempted to take him back and get lots of support professionally and through family and friends.

Not you, its them. Glad you got away and are safe.

Agree with others, get help and never let him back into your life

Not one part of this is on you, lovely.

Their behaviour is despicable, and you have done the right thing.

Block his number or turn your phone off - the last voice you need to be hearing at the moment is his.

@FermatsTheorem, brilliant post
Sending you strength Sitting

Very glad you're safe Sitting💐

I just want to give you a message of support. You are a lovely person, please don't let these damaged people hurt your spirit. ❤️

Also, please look for a freedom programme course in your area

Hi all.
First of all I just wanted to say thank you for all your support. You don’t realise how much your kindness means 🙏

I’ve also come to update.
Saturday was just awful. I took the train to see a friend & I was great to just sit for a few hours & talk about ‘normal ‘ stuff but unfortunately I couldn’t stay over so ended up lugging my rucksack back to where I live.
By the time I got on the train the enormity of what had happened really hit me & I was in a terrible state but some lovely ladies on the train talked to me & made sure I was ok.
P sent 100s of messages asking where I was etc.
I eventually got home at about 12.45am & locked myself in the spare room.
Yesterday was a day of him crying, how he is a despicable human being, how could he do to me what he had been so enraged about.... it was because he’d been drinking gin which turns him into a monster.

He had tidied up my clothes & suitcases that he ripped out the wardrobe & moved his stuff out of our bedroom.
Wherever I was in the house he would come & find me & start crying again. I think he wanted ME to comfort him !
I was so tired I spent most of the afternoon/evening asleep.
I got up for work this morning & he was already up - this has never happened.

And then ...
‘What do you think I did to you’ & I said ‘you put your hands around my neck & tightened them ‘

‘No I didn’t, I grabbed your t-shirt and now you are going to say I’m gaslighting you. You are making me believe I’m capable of doing these things’

Throughout the day I’ve been bombarded with messages such as - There’s no future in the past.
I’m going to do everything I can for you to believe in me again.

He’s out until v late tonight so I’m packing a much more sensible suitcase (not wine, flip flops & hair straighteners) in preparation for leaving.
I don’t have anywhere to go at the moment but I’m putting plans in motion.

But you know it is the classic gaslighting because for a moment I did actually stop & think ‘maybe I did get it wrong ‘ but I didn’t & my very sore neck is testament to that.

I feel lighter than I have for a while & im looking forward to the future whatever it holds.
Thanks all

Have you got somewhere to go OP? Handholding from me.