To think that being an introvert is depressing

[KnittingForMittens]

I've realised that I have always been an introvert. During my early days at secondary school, I was on my own through most of it and had no friends. I only started making friends during the final year and then started going out in groups. Even then, I felt so uncomfortable and I would try and make excuses to get out of it. I only have 2 friends that I actually talk to, and see one of them once a month for a one to one. The last time I had a group gathering was with my colleagues which was actually OK. I did enjoy myself but at the end, I started to feel socially drained. I used to work by myself which I really enjoyed and kept physically active. I would love to work for Royal Mail but I am not getting pass the assessment stages whenever I apply :(

I don't feel comfortable having people over at my house as well, even though it is tidy and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I feel very uneasy and sick during group meetings, especially family gatherings which I just can't stand. I've always done things by myself, go clothes shopping, town, cafe, anywhere... I've always done it myself.

Now I am married with a toddler, I feel selfish and ill about the thought of needing to invite people over to celebrate his birthday. My husband is a major extrovert. He loves group chats, he likes to be social but I am someone who is happy enough going to bed and watching a movie. He always has ago at me, saying I am a miserable person and I need to start enjoying life. He really doesn't understand this is just how I am. I don't feel comfortable going out clubbing. I used to but then I lost my confidence when someone made a horrible comment about me and I never went out as much after that.

Being like this does not suit family life at all. Sorry this is a random rant but I just wish I was more outgoing and fun. I am not. I am a boring person who is almost 30 and have nothing else exciting to do.

Is anyone else an introvert? What are your challenges that you have to face on a daily basis?

I'm definitely an introvert.

I HATE it when DH says his dad wants to come over, or his sister or whatever. I hate feeling like that too. It's not fair on DH of course.

@BirthdayKake that's me! Oh goodness. I honestly don't have a problem with anyone, but just the thought of having them come over just puts fear into me. The only people I am comfortable with is my close school friend and a couple of DH's friend. Anyone else outside of that spectrum is a no no. I get so anxious.

@KnittingForMittens same here. And I hate that the "default" human is a confident, social one. Why can't I be classed as normal just cos I want to relax in my own home?!

I don't think it's depressing at all, I love it because the life I have created suits my personality.

I think you need to honour who you are, and do the things you want to do, and refuse the rest. Life is much better that way, I promise!

“He always has ago at me, saying I am a miserable person and I need to start enjoying life. He really doesn't understand this is just how I am.”

I think your husband might be your problem, rather than your introversion.

Could it be social anxiety / depression as well as introversion. Having a critical husband doesn’t help you feel happy either.

I don’t think it’s depressing but I do have to cope,with feelings of guilt when I don’t involve myself in activities that DH and adult DC would like me to attend. I have to work out whether the guilt will be worse than the discomfort of attending.

Being a successful introvert doesn’t mean you have to enjoy going to to nightclubs! I married a slightly more sociable introvert, which works well. I also feel sick at large family gatherings - mainly because they are stressful! I wonder if you have a problem more with social anxiety rather than being an introvert. There are lots of blogs about introversion and being a highly sensitive person, which might help.

The best thing I’ve found to enjoy being in large groups is to pretend I am an anthropologist and studying the interesting quirks of humanity.
I then feel a bit more detached, which helps with my tendency to worry if the people around me are not happy.

I don't find being an introvert depressing at all. I think being an extrovert looks rubbish- having to constantly find other people to interact with to make yourself happy?? No thanks.

However, I have an introverted DH and a pretty introverted DS, so none of us are at all bothered about group gatherings. We all have friends though and a good social life built around individual relationships- our social time is just constructed the way we want it.

I think your problem is the mismatch between the way you and your DH want to socialise.

Your dh sounds exhausting; why on earth did you marry him?

Being an introvert is great; It means you are independent and not constantly badgering people to entertain you.

I feel very uneasy and sick during group meetings
I feel selfish and ill about the thought of needing to invite people over to celebrate his birthday
I lost my confidence when someone made a horrible comment about me and I never went out as much after that.

This is more than introversion, OP. It's possible to be introverted and confident at the same time, but it sounds like your confidence has taken a real kicking.
Go and see your GP, describe the problem, see what your options are.

But introversion has no relationship to the number of friends you have, or whether you’re socially anxious.

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

I am an introvert. I am uncomfortable with large family gatherings (my family never did them, but DH's did sometimes). I always hated things like nightclubs and hardly ever went except under some duress while still a student. They were hell on earth. Now, at 52, I am delighted to say that my clubbing days are long gone. If they ever even started.

I like to shop on my own and do not view it as a social activity the way some people do. In fact, I am happier doing most things on my own although I am perfectly capable of being sociable for a while if and when the occasion demands it.

@Topseyt I am very much like you from what you've written especially with regards to the shopping though I do feel very "odd one out" when I realize there's always either couples, groups of girls or families out shopping, yet if I didn't see this, I would have never thought I was missing something or being unusual.

Though I do like clubbing once in a while.

Nothing wrong with being introverted, you are what you are. I am a bit like that and something of a loner. You have to make an effort to be a bit sociable when you have young children, for their sakes but once they've left home, peace reigns. Wonderful to have time to yourself and to think without interruption.

Don't worry about it, we're all different. People talk about loneliness but the loneliest times in my life have been when I've been surrounded by others. I'm not lonely on my own. Well I'm not alone, I have a husband who, thankfully, accepts me as I am. By nature, he's more sociable than me.

Everyone’s different, but there is a way of learning to be more extrovert. Myself and DH are introverts who’s idea of a good time is to curl up in bed with a dvd.

However, my family is large and have fairly frequent social occasions where there are lots of people. You can learn to do small talk/chat with unfamiliar people. Sure it’s not everyone’s favourite thing, but sometimes we do things because it makes partners happy or helps with kids (eg when you take kids to groups or talk to other parents so it’s easier to arrange a play date). Find people who have similar interests and start talking to them a bit more?

I've found one of the best social things for people who are introverted are poker and some form of martial art. Poker gets you out playing a game where you're around people but people aren't extroverted because they are concentrating n don't wanna give away tells. Other one is martial art like BJJ, you interact and learn but you don't have to be extroverted even though its social.

Hey don't worry about being yourself. Don't let anyone make you feel bad or guilty or wrong. Everyone is different. Have you read about the Myers Briggs? I found it really helpful to come to terms with who I am and accept that I have strengths and weaknesses just like everyone else, none of us are the complete package etc.

Don't feel guilty about being an introvert parent. Re the birthday party, I totally understand the dread! What I did as a solution was hire out a hall and hire an entertainer, I said hi to all the parents but spent the time interacting with my DC and the other DC, joining in the entertainment and serving food. So didn't have to work the room or whatever. No need to open up my home to random people. No need to entertain anyone!

No doubt some of the other mums were judging me for not talking much but I didn't care, the point was for my DC and the invited DC to have a lovely day which they did.

You sound a lovely thoughtful person OP.

I'm an introvert. Don't get on well in groups, prefer one to one's, enjoy solitary hobbies and interests, go to cinema's, cafe's, go for long walks etc on my own and enjoy it all.

I have a friend who also introvert but more sociable and we get on great. It isn't depressing at all. It doesn't mean anyone is miserable.

What must be depressing is having a husband who doesn't understand you and thinks the way you are is wrong, who doesn't respect your personality and individuality. We are all different, with human wants and needs which vary from one person to another. He has no right to 'have a go at you'. He should have known who you were before he decided to marry you.

I’m an introvert, as is DH.
I don’t have any family and DHs family live a long way away. There are no large gatherings that we have to go to.

We now have a very small circle of friends who are all introverts as well so we all understand.
We spend Xmas and new year together so we don’t have to deal with others.

I know that to some people this sounds very depressing but we are all happy.

I take slight and only slight issue with the idea that because he is saying its a bit miserable doesn't mean he necessarily disrespected your individuality or her personality. I'd argue if they are in a relationship where he thinks she can be happier doing these things and it would benefit her any spouse in a loving relationship, would do that for the other. Now that's not necessarily true however I'd argue that type of situation is the man trying to love her and make her a happier person.

The corollary to that is she could have been trying to love him by helping to understand that extroversion isn't always the answer and makes her uncomfortable.

I find it a bit strange as to why that was a disrespect of her individuality or personality.

MN does seem to have a great many depressed introverts.

imho, they are depressed people who blame their introversion (which goes with the irrational thinking of all mental illnesses, so not their fault).

I'm thinking that the most extrovert person I know has had mega- issues with anxiety (crappy childhood & later work & marriage stress). Extroverts still get anxiety, just maybe over different things.

If I have choice to be by myself I will, in that sense I'm introverted. However if you get me in a mandatory social setting I'll talk to anyone about anything. I'll chat to strangers at bars n things just for me to feel comfortable really. I have really bad anxiety problems and they get really bad when there is silence thats awkward. So most people think I'm a confident extrovert when more than anything thats a slight way of masking my introvert nature. If anything I'd describe myself as just vert, neither and both at the same time.

I love being an introvert until I had children and the kids party stuff. I also have social anxiety and I'm not sure if it's the dovetail of the 2 that causes my issues.

I have lots of lovely friends who I enjoy seeing, I have a very sociable job that I enjoy through a mix of "work persona" and because it's time limited.

I really struggle having to do sociable stuff in my time with people I don't know well as I find small talk boring and effortful. I don't want my kids to suffer but sitting in a room of adults in soft play talking about stuff I'm not interested in is hard fucking work. I'd rather be at home reading. I use my own time to offset the energy needed to manage at work.

I don't know what the answer is. I don't want my kids to suffer. They start school neat year and I'm Already experiencing the range of invites to group soft play,meet the other parents, pre school parties etc. I feel anxious thinking about it.

Much empathy here for you

I have this, and was painfully shy when younger, so I do totally understand. I've gradually improved slightly, partly by reading the webpage succeed socially. I think it's written by a young Canadian man, so not directly applicable to my lifestyle, but I still found lots of his points relevant.

Tbh I don't know that the default is that confident. I come across a lot of people who are ok at talking but only up to a certain point, and I think there's an element of fake it til you make it. I've realised that I used to be guilty of assuming that it's easy for everyone else ( and therefore potentially putting to much pressure on them to do more than their fair share of the "work" of socialising) but I think it's actually an effort for everyone, even if they don't have an issue as such.

Socialising still involves effort - thinking of topics of conversation, trying to put people like me at their ease (!), organising meetups etc. I now try to focus a bit more on other people rather than placing quite so much focus on my feelings of inadequacy, and it's helped a bit.