How have you achieved a happy marriage AND kids??

[Rivoli]

Just been reading another thread where a woman got absolutely mauled for saying how wonderful her husband was, and other posters were saying things like "just wait till you have kids" and calling her boasty etc. I also had a separate conversation with 2 friends recently who both said their marriage went down the drain as soon as kids arrived.

Are there ANY couples out there who are still happy / in love / generally content even after babies arrive? We are TCC and I am always worrying about how a DC will impact our relationship.

Obviously the challenges of having a DC are colossal / vast / enormous / life-changing - and I don't need to list them all on here. A change and challenges in the relationship / marriage are to be expected. But is it possible to remain generally happy in your marriage and loving with one another? Has anyone done this, and if so how?

Following with interest! Pregnant with #1 after ten very happy years of marriage... Scared for the change ahead...

25 years married, 28 years together here. Two kids, aged 13 and 15.

We're still very happily married. Best mates in fact. We work as a team, and focus on the fact that we're on the same side.

He's amazing, as a Dad and a husband. He's a great provider, he's a great cook, he does more than his share of stuff at home if I let him, he's a fully engaged father who takes them to events and extra-curriculars. I make sure he knows how much I appreciate him. He appreciates me.

We laugh a lot - built up a lot of in jokes over the years. We always support one another - with our families, our friends, anyone. We learned early on in, that if we wanted to badmouth the other, to do it to them, nobody else. We talk a lot. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Yes, there are tough times, especially when the kids are young and the wallet is empty. Just remembering you're both on the same side and in it together, and it's tough for both of you, really helps.

So does takeout and a bottle of wine when the kids are in bed of a Friday.

Oh, and our deal was, whoever left, had to take the kids. That ensured we stayed, lol.

Yes married 23 years.
Achieved kids via ivf and those were a few very difficult years

Oh that's great to hear @mbosnz 😊 How nice to hear and how refreshing!! I must admit I was beginning to feel rather jaded from all the stuff I've read on here and heard from my friends.

Our communication is really good and so I am hoping this will pull us through. I don't ever want to be in the situation where things have slipped too far and neither of us noticed before it was too late.

So apart from takeout and wine on a Friday, any other tips? Especially for the first few years...?

Yes, love the bones of him. Kids are 5,3and 1. We are very happy and love being a family/team. Life isn’t always easy. Our eldest has always been a challenge both health wise and personalitywise. Closest we go to a wobble was when our second was 4 months old. We have also had stressful times regarding husbands career issues but have rode the storm together. We are in lucky position of now being reasonably well off which helps. I guess we see ourselves as in this together. Currently don’t have much one on one time with each other but we talk about it and accept it as a phase to embrace and look forward to the next phase when we do get more time together. Key is talking and both being secure in yourselves and your relationship. We both allow each other nights out with friends etc but neither takes the piss. We kiss and cuddle regularly even if we don’t get to do much else!

We’ve breezed through it, granted we’ve only got one-maybe that’s the key!😄 we were together for 9 years before we had him so we’d had plenty of time for date nights and holidays etc we were ready to adjust our lives to a child. He’s 10 now. The hardest part was when we were both sleep deprived and we did just a bit short with eachother but we understood it was the exhaustion talking.

We just work well as a team,we’ve settled into rolls where we kind of know what’s expected of us. DH is very hands on too which helps.

40 odd years together and 40 married, still very happy. Didn't have our DS until we'd been married 14 years. We were a bit concerned about the future but had had a great 14 years and felt very much ready for DS after 2 years of TTC.

Shared everything, in fact DH became a SAHD for a few years after I went back to work. Infact pretty much everything mboznz said.

Good luck and remember above all to be kind to one another.

Oh and we have a lot of date days. We can’t seem to manage nights out easily ( breastfed baby and just too shattered once they are all don’t to enjoy it much) but we meet for lunch when we can with baby in tow ( but she is not trouble in the day) and occasionally try and book a spa for a few hours together when kids are in nursery/school.

Very happy and still very much in love! We have 7 yr old (mine from a previous relationship) 11 month old and baby 3 on ten way.

We make time for each other and communicate a lot! It sounds pretty sad when I say it but every evening once the kids are in bed we have a cuddle and watch pointless together playing along. We always have a massive laugh. We've also started keeping Sunday nights no phones and movie nights once kids are in bed.

Yes it’s definitely possible but I think it depends how similar your mindsets are on how you want to raise your kids and how much you support each other and divide up the work. Luckily me and my dh have turned out to be very similar in how we want to look after our kids and we support each other and work as a team (mostly, it’s not all sunshine and roses obviously), but I can see how easily resentment would set in if you disagreed a lot or one of you was really unsupportive and a bit crap generally. I’ve seen it in friends marriages after kids come along. With my own marriage we are fine generally and still happy but it’s definitely harder to devote much attention to each other, kids are so consuming, especially at first. I suppose things can become mundane and you can stop making an effort because you’re knackered and you’ve given all you’ve got that day to the kids, we definitely have a lot of days like that. I think it’s partly down to personality and how a person adjusts to parenthood and partly down to still making a bit of an effort. I don’t mean major things but for example when our first baby came along and I was at home consumed with baby care all day I tried to still ask my dh how his day had been each evening when he came in - not in a 1950’s housewife kind of way, I didn’t have dinner on the table and his slippers warming (hehe) but I just tried to show him I was still interested in him if you see what I mean, and he was very supportive of me too.

I think a big part of it is what your OH is like as a parent. Unfortunately I’ve seen many of my friends whose partners were fantastic husbands/boyfriends but once baby arrived they just didn’t step up. Sadly there’s no real test of what someone’s going to be like as a parent until it happens and a few of my friends have felt badly let down.

Talking talking talking. We’re both really open with each other now. We’ve had some struggles lately as we both feel anxious/depression. Knowing we’ve got each other’s back is a really big thing. It hasn’t always been easy, and I think you both need to want to make it work. We’ve been together over 16 years now!

We have four kids, and my love has grown even more over the years for my dh.

I think a big part of it is what your OH is like as a parent this in spades!!

Communication. Talk, talk, talk. Children are sometimes stressful but work as a team and be understanding

I think it's really important to remember that when babe first gets there, you're all adapting to one of the most life changing events a person can have. You're all learning. You're all sleep deprived and cranky. It's not a competition as to who has it worst, or who can be the best, you're on the same team. Try to do little things for each other to show your love and appreciation. Remember your family - you, your partner, and your baby come first. You always support them first. If you see a job needs doing, do it. Make sure that you both have that ethic!

TALK. If things are going to shit, talk about it, before it becomes a sewer.

Yeah we're still great because we're best friends, it's not just been about lust and romance. Kids have really tested us to the limit but it's made us stronger. The key is to get through these younger years as ours are 5 and 2 and I can already feel it getting easier.

Mostly happy, 30 years + but we agreed to have just one child and have plenty of separate interests and DH fully involved in raising our child & doing plenty of housework & chores etc without comment. Something that I think helps any partnership is that we had both had our own homes before getting together, so fully understood the responsibilities involved in running a home.

17 years and 2 DDs both early teens. DH and I are different race, religion and culture. We have very different educational attainment. Still together but spend time apart a lot. I love him - knew he was the one for me when we met - and I know he loves me. I am very content. Hasn't always been easy but as a pp has already said, kindness is important.

Adding to what another PP said, it's not until you have kids that you realise what sort of parents you both are and how you deal with the stress of it all. I also want to point out that it's not always the male who is at fault in relationship problems after having DC. I'd definitely say strain has been put on my relationship by the way I dealt with the changes in my life (not very well) after having DC. Among other things.

Your relationship will change. It's naive to say it won't. But it doesn't mean the end or that it will change for worse. You just need to be prepared to work through the good times and the bad together.

Yes. He’s a fantastic dad and I think that adds another dimension to our relationship. I feel like we’re a team and that we have a really nice family unit.

DH and i have been together 10 years, and we have a 6 and 3 year old. The best bit of advice we got before the arrival of our first was to be kind to each other. I didn't think much of it before baby arrived because i just thought, well, we are kind to each other. Then, once DD arrived i understood. Having a baby is such a learning curve. The sleep deprivation and the fact it turns your life upside-down is a huge shock. It's so easy to be short with each other or be annoyed with each other for doing something a different way, but in the end it is not worth it. Remember you are both on the same team, don't be a martyr and work together.
The other thing i would say is make sure you make time for each other. Our evenings are precious and we worked towards 7pm bedtimes for our kids from a very early stage. It's not easy to establish but I'm glad we did, plus we were lucky that both were reasonably good sleepers. We also built up a network of good babysitters in our neighbourhood, some paid for and some in a babysitting circle arrangement. Our children were used to being babysat from a very early age. I know families who can't use babysitters because the children won't allow it, and it causes issues.
Having children will change your lives but it doesn't have to ruin your marriage!

Together over 30 years, 3 DC in their 20s. We've held it together because he's a good, supportive hands on father & husband who has always done his share, even when I was a SAHM & he was working long hours. We've had some difficult times but we always kept talking & we are still best friends. The key is that we love each other & we have both always been committed to making it work.

It definitely is a change.
After DD was born in 2015 I became really ill, depression reared it’s ugly head again and as a result all of my relationships took a hit, including with my partner.
However we got through it, I took up running and I had a life outside my baby which was just what I needed. As a result our relationship became stronger.
We married in 2018, and now have baby number 2 on the way. We have been together for 13yrs in total now.
I adore him, and we are a strong unit. However you can’t deny the change having a baby has on a relationship. You just have to make sure that you make time for one another and don’t loose yourself.

A lot of it is luck I think! When I married DH I didn't know what sort of a dad he would be. Hell, I didn't even know what sort of a mum I would be! I think coming from similar backgrounds help. Because we were raised a similar way, we now don't differ too much in how we want to parent.

So that's the flukey stuff. Otherwise, communication is key! It really winds me up on here when someone posts "so what did he say when you told him / asked him" but actually it is important. No one can read minds, and if you want someone to behave a certain way, discuss it with them! Eg "I think it would be fair if you do x, as I'm doing y? What do you think?". Do it before things start to fester. But... equally, wait for a good time to bring up annoyances! First thing in the morning, or last thing at night are not so good! DH used to piss about with the kids in our room when it was my lie in. I knew I couldn't be civil there and then, so waited till the evening before my lie in the following week, when I could say "do you mind whisking then away quickly so they don't interrupt my sleepy phase?" in a nice way. Rather than "Fuck off out of my room!!"

Be nice to your partner, and appreciate it / them when they are nice to you.