How have you achieved a happy marriage AND kids??

[Rivoli]

Just been reading another thread where a woman got absolutely mauled for saying how wonderful her husband was, and other posters were saying things like "just wait till you have kids" and calling her boasty etc. I also had a separate conversation with 2 friends recently who both said their marriage went down the drain as soon as kids arrived.

Are there ANY couples out there who are still happy / in love / generally content even after babies arrive? We are TCC and I am always worrying about how a DC will impact our relationship.

Obviously the challenges of having a DC are colossal / vast / enormous / life-changing - and I don't need to list them all on here. A change and challenges in the relationship / marriage are to be expected. But is it possible to remain generally happy in your marriage and loving with one another? Has anyone done this, and if so how?

Solid here too :)
Together 10 years, 6 years married, 3.5yo and 6 day old!
Communication is the biggie, we've always been in contact (probably more than most, some would probably find it weird) via text, calls etc. We had the same job for a long time so a shared something to rant about Haha and we have some similar interests we can share and some opposite interests for ourselves.
Hes a brilliant dad and we share all house/child responsibilities equally.
It helps that he doesn't live under that quite common cloud some men live under that says what womens jobs/roles should be. I feel very lucky to have found him and I'm very much looking forward to the children getting older and us starting to become a little more social again :)

I think even good relationships do tank a bit. Certainly at in the early years when the sleep deprivation is crippling. Once you have that behind you everything seems so much easier but you will never have the reserves of time and energy from pre-kid days to pour over each other until, well I'm not sure when yet, I'll tell you when I get there.

Another YES here.
Together 33 yrs. married 25 yrs, two daughters 25 and 22
Really happy together, spend a lot of time together with a mutual hobby and have individual hobbies too. Still make time (and enjoy) couple time 🥰

We found that our relationship got better after our son arrived - admittedly not until he was a few months old and the dust had settled. Seeing him as a dad just made me even more crazy about him - he's so affectionate and playful with our DS and has never shirked his responsibilities as a dad, always does his fair share of the parenting. Sorry if this is TMI, but once we started having sex again (around 3 months after birth I think) we found it was so much more intense. I think because we are tired most nights with work and DS to deal with we don't have sex as much as we used to, but when we do we tend to really go for it and it's often amazing. Having a child has definitely made us stronger and more of a team than before, and I thought before we had him that we were already a strong pair! So no, having kids isn't always a bad thing for your relationship.

I adore my husband and we are very happy. Two children, another one on the way. Been together 12 years. We had our first baby pretty early on in our relationship - 18 months in and I was early 20s, I don’t remember it being a massive shift but that might have been because we hadn’t had long to luxuriate in being young and free together!

Clearly it’s not always perfect but he’s my best friend, I would rather spend time with him above everyone else and he makes me laugh.

I also realise how lucky we are (for now at least) and try very hard not to take it for granted and work hard at continuing to make it work.

It's 100% possible. We've been together 7 years, married 5 and have a 4 year old. Our relationship is even stronger. I love seeing DH as a dad.. he's wonderful at it!

My advice is team work, sharing the workload equally and making time for each other as a couple.

Sorry OP, but I'm going to be the first to say different! My relationship has taken a huge nose dive! Especially my sex life! no one on one time. A VERY demanding baby means very little down time, two very tired and stressed parents. It's bloody hard work and tbh ALL of the people I know who have young babies their relationship has suffered somewhat too. I notice most people here have older children... or are second time parents. At first it's bloody hard. But I guess it gets easier... I don't know my baby is still small.

We have argued more in the first ten months of ours sons life than the last 8 years of our relationship! And we were loves young dream before the baby... argued a handful of times in 8 YEARS!

I just don't want to paint a one sided picture that it's like the movies and you are a 'dream team' 24/7... after the baby wakes up screaming for the 11th time that night it's hard not to turn on your other half in anger. I love my DP but I want to punch him in the face 85% of the time

Oh, and our deal was, whoever left, had to take the kids. That ensured we stayed, lol.

Same here!

We're not perfect but we are a team. We never took turns with a screaming baby, we did it together. This meant dh going to work on very little sleep some weeks but there was no resentment. Never play the 'who is more tired' game, be tired for sure but it's not a competition.

We've been together 11 years, married 7, 2 kids (almost 5 and almost 1). We are very happy because at the base of our relationship is that we're good mates, I like spending time with him and with the kids.

Kids take your freedom away so if you aren't on the same page it's difficult. We watch telly together (cheerful stuff like err Chernobyl...) and chatter when the kids are in bed, he's not one to be out doing his hobby or drinking with his friends. He's here with us! He's currently putting the washing away upstairs with our eldest 'helping' I can hear her chatting on at him, he takes more than his share of the housework on, he also does lots of jobs for my mum which I love, and his own love for his poorly mum is also lovely.

We're a team and share an outlook of what's important for the kids, the values of our family etc... My mum (married 40+ years when my Dad died) told me not to argue about money or the kids and I think there's something in that. I did a KIT day today and he texted me while I was at work and said he was proud of me.

We barely had a cross word for each other before kids - together eight years and had the same outlook on life, worked well as a team etc etc. Then DC happened and I honestly cannot believe how much we now argue and bicker. DC are only 3 and 1 though so sleep deprivation is a massive factor. I am hopeful that we will ride it out and hopefully get some more time back for each other as they get older.

We had a very loved up relationship and more than 10 years under our belts when we had our lo. I’m not going to lie, it was a bit like throwing a grenade into our marriage at first. I was shocked at how quick things when down hill. However, it didn't last forever and at no point was it bad enough that i’d have considered splitting up. A few years on and we’re largely back to where we were pre children but with less freedom and
a bit less sex lol! Before having children our relationship was pretty balanced, both worked, both pulled our weight around the house etc... A baby created a whole new level or responsibilities and tasks and we sort of fell onto stereotypical roles where I was doing the lions share of childcare and child related tasks. The bigger issue was the resentment that came with that and the fact that I didn't feel my dh appreciated all that I did. Everything also feels worse because you're so tired too so that magnifies everything. Once my lo was in a routine and I was getting more sleep we were able to thrash everything out and let go of resentments and find a new balance. Most of my friends have had the same issues - some have weathered the storm better than others but most of us have come through it and got back to being happy and in love.

If anyone had told me on our wedding day that I would be even more in love with DH after 18 years, I wouldn’t have believed them. I didn’t think I could love him more - but I do. He is the most fantastic partner and father. DDs are now 18 and 13. We put each other first. Neither of us is perfect but we feel certain of the other’s good intentions. There is trust and respect to back up the love.
We have had tough times financially and, the year after DD2’s birth was a bit of a grind because we were exhausted and broke but we came through it fine.
The best advice I had when pregnant with DD1 was not to get sucked into the “who is the most tired” conversation/competition because you’re on the same side.

30 years and it made us both happy to have the children. We fit

For us it has been communicating at each life turn. Communicating so with don't drift apart in other directions.
We have always had each others back, and never gone to bed on an argument, even if that meant staying up all night. This way resentment didn't come into our relationship.
Respecting each other and putting our relationship first at times. Just because you have kids doesn't mean that they always come first, sometimes they have to wait their turn.
Also realising that both working and trying to raise kids was not for us, and didn't equate to having it all, in any shape or form. We saw a lot of dual income families splitting up because there just wasn't time for their relationship and the dh went elsewhere.

fury It's the thought they care enough to text you, he sounds lovely

Been together 31 years, married 26 years and 3dc aged 27, 24, and 15.

Married 31 years, 3 x DS. It is very hard, but decided early on that the security of our children depended on the strong relationship of us as a couple. So, we had loads of family time, days out, holidays (butlins daily express special coupons) and the park.

But DH and I always had a relationship without the kids. Even going out for lunch when they were at school, walks, again when the kids were at school, cinema.

Just walking to the shop is a chance to talk and laugh.

Ive found the small things count more now. Money and time is tight. But even things like my husband buying my favourite biscuits in the shopping make me feel appreciated. On my side... Encouraging him to go for a few beers w his friends every now and then, making his (defo not mine) fav dinner. And saying thanks for stuff. We say thanks more to each other now than we did. This sounds odd, but hand in hand with the resentment over who is doing more, there is the appreciation of all we both in fact do. Good luck. You ll see each other in a new and wonderful way.

We've only been together 11 years and we got married after we had our dc but we haven't really had any issues apart from my sex drive disappearing for several years.

I think the key is to still make time to talk to each other and to enjoy each others company without just being parents, even if it is just one "take away and film" night a week.

Admit that you're wrong if you are, say sorry for being an arsehole if you have been and give each other some leeway because tiredness can be a killer.

It's easy to feel "touched out" when you've got a baby or young child because they spend half their time attached to or climbing all over you but don't let that drive a wedge between you because you need to still be physically close to each other (I don't just mean in a sexual way, I mean in a loving, hugging and holding hands way).

Try to avoid arguments about how you're more tired than him or how he has more time to himself than you or that you have more time with your baby than him; that competitiveness doesn't get you anywhere and just breeds resentment and unhappiness.

We were giving advice by our best man's nan before we got married that if we wanted to stay as happy as we were not to have children!

We didn't have any but not just for that reason although we did want to ensure that our relationship and love never changed.

I do know couples with children that are happy - both my siblings have been married 38 years and they have grown children now and are very happy.

Most of our friends though are divorced (some more than once) and almost all of them say their problems started when they had children.

I have three ranging from 9 months to 11. DH and I have been together 12 years, married for 3. I'm still excited for him to come home from work every day. We have sex regularly. He tells me he loves me every day. He pulls his weight with the house. He is an amazing father. He is a fantastic husband.

It is possible. It is hard work sometimes with work, kids etc but always worth it.

We get on very well, I've been with him longer than I've been single.
Just keep talking that's the main thing..

I think it's different for every couple but this would be my advice:

• Enjoy life together before having kids (we had over a decade of loved-up coupledom first). It gives you this huge shared experience and commitment going into the baby madness.
• Be equals in work and home life before having kids. Try to avoid big imbalances in working hours; a lot of families I know who have problems have one partner working 70+ hours a week, barely seeing kids who then of course prefer other parent to look after them
• Agree how you will split childcare, chores, etc before TTC (so no surprises!). We viewed looking after our DS as equally important and knackering as paid work, so during mat leave we split all the cooking, housework, bath & bed times equally apart from me BFing and doing a bit more laundry & baby meals. It was wonderful some days to hand baby to his dad at 5pm and go lie down! Now I am back at work full time we still split everything equally. One night I put DS to bed and his dad cooks, next night we swap. DH gets up in the night at least 50% of the time (probably more now as I'm pregnant again and knackered)
• Make time for each other when you can. Get baby in a routine early if you can, get your evenings back. Have the odd date night, get the baby used to a sitter. Find the energy for a shag! Or at least lots of kisses and cuddles.
• Enjoy watching the man/ woman you love become a parent. I love the soft tone my DH gets in his voice when he talks to our son, it's just so sweet.
• Agree with PP, don't make it a competition over who's the most tired!
• Controversial maybe but I'd also say don't give yourself entirely over to parenthood; once the newborn crazy is over, get back in your old clothes, rediscover your interests, be a partner and not just mummy. Don't call each other mummy and daddy!!

It's definitely possible to be happily married with a kid. Mine is 2 now and another on the way. We're both permanently tired but we love our little family, we love each other more than ever. We're a team.

Patience
Knowing you're on the same side
Talking
Trying to keep intimacy, even if that means hand-holding instead of the crazy sexy fun that pre-children brought, and making the most of those times you can do crazy sexy fun!
Being on the same page with money
Keep thinking about or working towards your family and personal goals - what do you both want out of life?
You time. Separately.
Exercise

After some tough years post-baby, I'm still in love with my husband, as well as loving him. We make each other smile, laugh, and enjoy a cuddle. Our dd is the cherry on top of our relationship with one another.

Pregnancy and birth absolutely destroyed my body and my self-confidence. I simply wasn't the same person as before. DH is an excellent father, and a patient and understanding partner when I couldn't bear the thought of sex for well over a year and got flashbacks once we did try. So he was there for me but I had nothing to give, I was barely good enough as a mother. We're still together but it's hard to have fun when the kids are constantly demanding from you or exhausting you.
An evening watching telly would have been boring as fuck before kids, we're now supposed to treat it as the luxury event of 'couple time'.
A Sunday lie in would be enjoyed together, it's now taken in turns or if we leave the ipads to babysit we can't relax because the kids could demand us at any moment.

My kids are 9 and 7 so hardly in the newborn or demanding toddler phase. Kids just add a more heavy-duty pair of handcuffs to a marriage.

Together 27 years, married for 18, two teens. We were together 9 years before we married so knew each other inside out. Had very little family help when the DC were little and I went back to work at 4 months, so the housework and childcare didn't all fall to me and we became a tight, extremely organised team. We were strict with the sleep training and so we all always slept well, which helped massively. Contraception watertight too, no surprise pregnancies to upset the balance.