Not sure if I’m BU in thinking the dishes should be down to DH to do a few nights during the week, so thought I’d get some other perspectives/see what goes on in other people’s homes.
I’m a SAHM to two young DC’s (both under 3), and naturally given that I’m the one at home everyday, I take on the lions share of the housework. This, I don’t actually mind too much as I am house proud and am one of those people who feel at their most relaxed and calm when things are in ‘order’ and everywhere looks tidy.
I do all of the cooking Monday-Friday, ensuring DH’s dinner is ready for when he gets in around 5:30pm, and it’s not uncommon for me to be the one doing it at the weekend too.
I hoover daily - sometimes twice given the age of DC’s and how messy they can be. I do probably 90% of the households laundry, DH sometimes does a few loads at the weekend if it’s particularly sunny as he has a thing about his clothes smelling ‘line fresh’ so likes to get a fair bit done and hung outside as and when he can.
I wash up every (well most) morning once youngest DC is napping, I make the beds, I keep on top of putting toys away throughout the day so the place doesn’t descend in to absolute chaos by the evening. I clean the bathroom at least twice a week, though often more than that as the DC’s get toothpaste everywhere, and DH leaves beard hairs around the sink too.
I also do the ‘bigger’ jobs such as cleaning the inside of all the windows, properly cleaning/washing the bathroom and kitchen floors, stain removing the rugs/sofas with a cleaning spray and scrubbing brush, dusting everywhere etc at least one per month as our place is small, so any dust/mess tends to show up pretty easily, especially with DC's the age that they are.
Now for what DH does during the week. He works Monday to Friday, leaving around 6:30 and getting home by 5:30. Once the DC’s have finished their dinner, he will clean them up, sometimes we’ll both wrangle them in to their pj’s, sometimes he’ll do the pair of them on his own. He’ll take them through and brush their teeth, sit with them for the 20 minutes ‘quiet’ time before bed, then take them through to their room. If the DC’s wake in the night, which is about a 50:50 chance that they will, he will get up and take them juice, but they settle pretty easily so if/when we do get up in the night, we’re back in bed within 5 minutes anyway.
While I am appreciative that he more or less ‘takes over’ with the DC’s once he’s in from work, I feel like I can’t pat him on the back or praise him for it because ultimately, the - less than an - hour he spends with them, pales in comparison to the often 11-12 hour day I would’ve just had with them, so I think it’s only fair he does his share of child duties and that that final hour shouldn’t be left to me.
Once the DC’s are in bed, it’s usually down to me to tidy away any remaining toys/books that have been left scattered around the lounge. I’d say I have about a 10% chance of him doing it without me asking him to, and even when he does, not everything gets put away anyway.
He does not wash up at all during the week once the DC’s are taken care of, if I’m lucky he might do it once at the weekend, but it’s during the week that’s starting to grind my gears. He’ll sit playing on his phone, playing the PS4, catching up on shows until we go to bed, obviously completely aware that if he doesn’t wash up before we retire for the evening, all the dishes from dinner and the DC’s lunch will be left for me to do in the morning.
I’m starting to get this growing bubble of resentment inside me about the washing up. It’s pissing me off that I cook every day, and it’s still my ‘job’ to clean up afterwards. I’ve spoken with him about this before, and said that I think it’s only fair that he should wash up occasionally during the week seeing as our home only looks as clean and tidy as it does, because of me, so him spending 10 minutes of an evening washing a few plates, the DC’s dinner trays etc would lighten my load for the following morning and is really the bare minimum expected of a functioning, respectful adult. That went well for about 3 weeks, before it tapered off and he stopped doing them again.
This isn’t one of those things where I can just leave it, and hope he’ll magically realise that the dishes haven’t been done so he’ll start taking it upon himself to do it, because if I don’t do the dishes when I get up, then the DC’s have nothing to eat off of, cutlery starts to run low, we’ll run out of coffee cups (thanks to the DC having broken most of our collection), so it’s either I do it, or we have nothing to eat or drink from that day.
So I just don’t know what else I can do or say to make him realise that cleaning up isn’t my ‘job’. It should be a shared responsibility.
I’m also ashamed to add that I do pick up his dirty clothes from the bedroom floor, clean the bath after he’s used it, sort out of his underwear and sock drawers etc. I start to feel like he’s a third child, but then a little person on my shoulder pops up and goes ‘but he does get the DC’s ready for bed, will get up with them in the night if needs be, does some laundry at the weekends, will take the DC’s out for an hour if I need a break’ and then I start to feel bad for thinking he should do some bloody washing up and wonder if I’m being petty and should actually be doing it all myself!?
Sorry that was far longer than I’d planned, but I guess the more I explain of my situation, the better catered the advice might be!
Thanks if you’ve read this far, and a further thanks for any tips you may have.