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Original poster

New colleague taken dislike to me

51 replies

Abillity2019 · 05/06/2019 07:20

We are a small, new-ish company and another manager joined our team last week. They seem to have taken an instant dislike to me and have already made several remarks that others have commented on. Comments related to my work (I don’t report to her). And at other times they’ve ignored me and made a point of being friendly with everyone else.

Besides the 3 directors me and her are the only 2 managers so we need to work together/get on. I’ve gone out of my way to welcome her since before she joined with offers of support, training etc. All have been rebuffed.

I’m now at the stage where I’m dreading going in as the atmosphere is so awful and I’m not sleeping.

From past experience of having to manage staff in these types of situations, they never end well for the ‘recipient’ do they? She’s careful never to make comments when the directors are in but they are out for so much of the time. And you can’t make people not be bullies can you?

I’m at the stage where I feel resigning is my only option as I can’t see a way forward and don’t have the stomach for this.

OP posts:
TemporaryPermanent · 05/06/2019 07:28

Grim. I wonder if she experienced the offers as patronising- I'm sure you never meant that.

I would say find a way to bite the bullet, get her to come to lunch with you and say you feel like things are tense and what can you do. But I'd struggle to do that myself. I've always just waited these things out.

Milly90 · 05/06/2019 07:35

Hi op sorry this os getting you down Flowers
Document everything that happens as it happens so you can speak with your manager and have solid evidence. Document who was a witness also

On the other hand ask them for a word and say "we dont need to be friends ill do my job you do yours but we do need to be professional so if you could refrain from making negative comments about my work to colleagues and come to me or my manager in future with your concerns."

Original poster
Abillity2019 · 05/06/2019 07:37

As a company we knew her previously as a customer and she was difficult then so when I heard she was coming to work for us I was cautious.

We’ve probably had at least 10 staff join since I started and I’ve done exactly the same for all of them - contacting in advance to see if they need anything, organising a welcome card and gift, support during the induction process etc. And everyone has always said how much they’ve appreciated this and how it’s helped them settle in.

I thought about suggesting lunch and saying we seemed to have got off on the wrong foot but she will no doubt refuse the invitation or say she doesn’t see a problem.

Prior to this we had a great atmosphere, good team spirit and I am highly regarded by colleagues and customers alike. Which I wonder is part of the problem.

In any case, life’s too short to feel this miserable about a job.

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 05/06/2019 07:46

Email her!

So if she comments or makes negative remarks re your work send and email confirming she has suggested x y and z as improvements and can she elaborate with advice.

The worst thing for people who are overstepping the Mark is to have a paper trail highlighting their behaviour.

It doesn't have to be rude or PA but rather designed to make her think before she speaks.

Original poster
Abillity2019 · 05/06/2019 07:50

Thing is I know all the best practices to deal with this type of thing (documenting, keeping a diary, paper trail etc) but they never really get resolved do they? No-one can force her to be nice and it’s not worth the effect on my well-being in the meantime. I’m not sleeping and I’m close to tears at work as it’s so awful. And obvious. Except when her boss is in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abillity2019 · 05/06/2019 07:54

I used to start work at 8 to get a head start on things before everyone else got in around 8:45. Plus I opened up the office. But she starts at half seven so I’ve been going in later and later as that time when it was just the two of us was so bad.

OP posts:
IrenetheQuaint · 05/06/2019 08:02

It's only been a week; she may calm down when she's found her feet. Your best option is probably to be scrupulously professional with her (but not too friendly) and see if things improve. If your directors rate you and you're otherwise happy, it might be worth having a quiet word with your line manager - they'd probably be sad to lose you over this.

EvaHarknessRose · 05/06/2019 08:02

Others have commented, she is known as difficult, you might as well out this problem with your boss.

LuckyAmy1986 · 05/06/2019 08:04

You poor thing. I’ve been there and it’s awful. And like you I’m not a confrontational person at all. I agree what you said about life being too short although that’s just giving in to her and letting her win. I ended up leaving my job abd didn’t regret it and she was making my life hell and I took that home with me. I dong even know why I’m posting as I don’t have any advice! Just to say I empathise.

Likeamobvie · 05/06/2019 08:13

Will your bosses want to lose you over her? I'd be telling them. Things might get worse, they might get better - I think it's worth logging it now.

Crunchymum · 05/06/2019 08:14

A welcome card / gift? Is this a thing now?

StrongTea · 05/06/2019 08:18

If she was difficult as a customer, why was she employed at all?

WhoWants2Know · 05/06/2019 08:20

I've had this before and honestly, it's easiest to look for a better job ASAP. It's a shame, but life is too short to hang around horrible people.

Original poster
Abillity2019 · 05/06/2019 08:21

Would it be unprofessional to suggest my boss speak to the people who’ve also noticed it? Or ask them to mention something to my boss?

OP posts:
DontPressSendTooSoon · 05/06/2019 08:22

Be ultra professional but slightly distant and not too friendly is my advice. I has this with a former superior and when youre too friendly they end up massively disrespecting you and taking the piss... hold back a little and eventually they come to you as all narcissists want the attention.

itsmyapplepie · 05/06/2019 08:24

Don't let her push you out. It's probably what she's hoping for, she might not like that you're good at your job. Say something to your bosses before leaving, they may really want to retain you and not put up with her nonsense.

Sparklfairy · 05/06/2019 08:25

No-one can force her to be nice

Sounds like she doesn't necessarily have to be 'nice', just to cut the crap! Also bear in mind if the atmosphere was previously good and they risk losing you because of bringing her on, the directors would be wise to take notice of your concerns. She has no right to join a team and wreck the dynamic

hmsvictory · 05/06/2019 08:27

I'd ask her outright, it's only been a week.

Just ask her what the problem is and say that people have noticed she's being off and it's causing tension. If she says there's no problem just ask her to think about how she's acting in the future and to let you know if there's a problem.

The offers of help may have come across as patronising and the welcome gift is weird. If you are the only other manager then you have been senior to all those people that say it really helped them settle in. It's different.

Original poster
Abillity2019 · 05/06/2019 08:27

A welcome card / gift? Is this a thing now?

Ha ha. It’s just a small thing we do and seems to be well-received. Just a small ‘Welcome’ card and gift eg phone case if they’re getting a company phone.

OP posts:
CannyLad · 05/06/2019 08:30

See that high horse standing in the corner? Go vault up onto that and don't come down. Be super professional, genuinely nice and ride it out for a few weeks. Maybe she's testing boundaries being the newbie. If it doesn't settle down after a month then go to the directors and say you're looking for alternative work and why. You don't have to pussy foot around.

Now the hard bit - try not to get emotionally involved. It's hard but for now you need to detach to survive. It's just work, she's a twit. That's all. Don't let it get you down. Deep breaths and walk away from the ridiculousness. Don't make her crap attitude your issue. All easy said then done but try for your well-being.

hmsvictory · 05/06/2019 08:31

And stop offering her help and training. That's not your job!

sackrifice · 05/06/2019 08:33

Can you go in, put headphones in and crack on with your work as you always did?

Stop letting her dictate the agenda, go in and do what you always did and do it as well as you always did.

NottonightJosepheen · 05/06/2019 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tolleshunt · 05/06/2019 08:38

It's really pathetic when grown adults revert to this kind of school playground behaviour, and it says a lot about her. As she is targeting you, but not those senior or junior to you both, it sounds like she has you pegged as a threat/rival and is doing her best to eliminate you, or at least establish dominance.

I would throw light on her behaviour, calmly, with your boss. Explain how it is making you feel. And that it is unnecessary, as you are just looking to get along for the benefit of the company. Ask for help on how best to deal with it. Document all instances, as pp advised. Give her a wide berth unless unavoidable and keep all exchanges professional.

I would personally be tempted to have a quiet word with her, and say I had noted her behaviour, and wondered if I had done something to offend? Then I would say we don't need to be friends but we need to be adult, as we are working together. What does she suggest you both do to ensure you can work together in a professional manner? If she denied it, I'd l just say i was so glad i was mistaken, and it's a relief she isn't playing silly games. Then say something like 'you'd be surprised how many grown adults act like children in the workplace. It's sad, really'. Then act as though it was all resolved. That may be too confrontational for you, though.

Longdistance · 05/06/2019 08:42

If it’s only been a week, well she’s not doing very well is she? She’ll get the boot with any luck. Mention it to your management team.