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Original poster

Fucking Hell,what do I do?

31 replies

ohtheholidays · 04/06/2019 11:30

I'll try to keep this as clear as possible(please excuse any mistakes I have brain damage and it effects spelling and my punctuation)I'm having some serious issues with 2 of my friends.

The worst one(friend and problem)we've known each other for 30 years on and off.

This friend seems to have no filter what so ever,she is always shouting,using offensive language in public,in front of everyone anytime anywhere.I honestly can't explain it but imagine the worst things you could imagine someone saying and saying those things on loud speaker at a wake of all places and then that same person laughing at the top of they're voice at themselves.

We have something coming up that is very important for our family and she has already told me,yes told me not asked me that she thinks she is invited,she isn't!How the hell do I deal with that and the aftermath?

Friend 2 is like family to all of us,she has had an horrendous time,she lost her DH and is now sleeping with an old friend of his who is married,this is so not her but it is very inkeeping with this mans past behavior,I have tried talking to her and I am so worried for her but I don't know what to do,I've even asked her to imagine what would happen if her DH's family found out,they would disown her and that would kill her but she doesn't think that could ever happen.

If anyone that's read this and thinks they could offer some advice I would be so grateful.

OP posts:
Soola · 04/06/2019 11:36

Does the shouty friend have a condition such as Tourette syndrome?

Original poster
ohtheholidays · 04/06/2019 11:40

Gosh no Soolaif she had something like I'd never complain because she'd have no choice over what she was saying.

It's just the way she is,she always has to be loud and the things she comes out with and infront of my mine and her own DC,it's not just swearing if it was I could deal with that it's beyond vulgar the things she comes out with.

OP posts:
Unshriven · 04/06/2019 11:42

You are choosing to be 'friends' with these people.

If you don't like them, walk away.

JustHereWithPopcorn · 04/06/2019 11:44

Just tell her she's not invited, by text might be easier so she can't shout in your face Smile

Also maybe reevaluate your friend with her and keep her at arms length moving forwards

Original poster
ohtheholidays · 04/06/2019 11:50

I have been keeping her at arms length which isn't easy because she only lives 10 minutes walk from us.The problem is other people go and bloody share everything on FB,I know that's just the way life is now and I don't have any problem with the sharing after the event or as it's happening it's every other sod sharing everything about the event weeks and months before it happens.

What makes it worse is none of the others sharing everthing on FB will want her there and yet they still keep sharing shit and then it will be me that's left miserable and has to deal with it all.

OP posts:
Soola · 04/06/2019 11:56

If she doesn’t have any kind of medical condition and is simply foul mouthed and obnoxious then you should drop her as a friend.

I used to work with a woman who was like that and at another colleagues wedding the obnoxious woman said very loudly, “You might be the fucking bride but get out if my fucking way!” as she tries to walk past her at the reception. The bride was used to her but her parents were standing close by and her mother in particular was upset at the language and aggression shown by the guest.

These people will carry on like this until you stop inviting them to events. Tell her in no uncertain terms that she will be asked to leave if she turns up and the police will be called if necessary.

The second friend is bereaved so what she does is her business. Just be there to support her if she needs it.

LIZS · 04/06/2019 11:57

How did you meet these friends? Might they have other underlying issues causing or triggering this behaviour when under other stress. All you can do is not get involved and direct them to sources of support. Your wellbeing has to come first.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/06/2019 12:06

Being widowed can make people do all sorts of things that they normally wouldn't, so I would have some sympathy for the second friend. What she is doing is wrong, but she is very vulnerable.
The first friend sounds awful and I would try to distance myself from her.

MatildaTheCat · 04/06/2019 12:06

Friend one, text, ‘ Hi friend, I’ve checked with the family about x event and unfortunately you aren’t included in this one. Sorry about that but see you soon.’

Friend Two: keep out of it. Not your circus.

Whosorrynow · 04/06/2019 12:11

Kind of bullying behaviour isn't it sends the message that I am the queen and I can do whatever I like if people are offended is not my problem.
I would just distance myself from these people, just withdraw from the oversharing circles

Bluetrews25 · 04/06/2019 12:12

Perfect post from Matilda

3luckystars · 04/06/2019 12:15

Friend 1:
Buy tickets for a concert or event on the same day as your event, far away. Send them to her and tell her she has won a prize, it has to he her going, it's in her name. Include cheap accommodation if you can afford it. (If it is your wedding?) Then you must get rid of her put of your life for good. You have to. You are living in fear of her ruining your event. She is not your friend, you are afraid of her.

Friend 2. Keep back.

BlueMerchant · 04/06/2019 12:20

Take a huge step back from both of them.
Look after you.
With regards to first shouty friend if the invites aren't down to you I don't know how you can get the blame. If she starts shouting and being obnoxious just repeat that the invites aren't down to you and don't allow her to take her anger out on you.
Second friend I would leave to get on with it. You have offered advice and it's her choice whether she listens or not. If she starts telling you all about this sordid affair I would just say that you don't want to know and don't want to become embroiled in lies.

Cheryl11111 · 04/06/2019 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BlueMerchant · 04/06/2019 12:25

Sorry I misunderstood.
I'd just say you have to keep numbers down.Perhaps you really need to muster up the courage to be more honest and upfront as she obviously thinks you are closer than you are. Very difficultConfused

Original poster
ohtheholidays · 04/06/2019 12:25

I hope my first post didn't come across as me being upset or angry with friend 2,because I'm not,I'm just so worried about her and for her,the dickhead who has latched onto her has form(I've only met him once but everyone else knows what he's like and what he's done)he's on his second marriage and has cheated on both wifes.

I'm so worried that if it all blows up she'll be the one that has everything to lose and I have nothing but sympathy for my BF,I've stayed over at hers,looked after her,I've done everything her family have never and would never do for her and I will always defend her and be in her corner.

WhosorrynowYour right,I never thought of it like that before but with friend 1 it is almost like bullying.It's honestly got so bad with her that I want to move away.

I find it difficult to sort that issue out because of the brain damage I suffered,it has affected my personality and my ability to stand upto people and they're bullshit,ie friend 1.

OP posts:
nelsonmuntzslingshot · 04/06/2019 12:30

Buy tickets for a concert or event on the same day as your event, far away. Send them to her and tell her she has won a prize, it has to he her going, it's in her name. Include cheap accommodation if you can afford it. (If it is your wedding?)

God really? What a performance!! Just tell her "Sorry Sue but you're not invited to this." and keep repeating.

Whosorrynow · 04/06/2019 12:43

Re the behaviour of friend one, I see this as a technique which is used to dominate and control situations just by being the loudest most attention-grabbing person in the room, everyone else is pushed out of the way and she is front and centre in everyone's mind.
The fact that she is front and centre for being a complete and utter asshole doesn't matter she just wants to dominate and she is too blunt of an instrument to do it in a more sophisticated way.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/06/2019 12:55
  1. I agree with people who've said text "Friend1" very very clearly that she is not invited.
  2. people posting on facebook. Set up a What's App group and invite them all to that. or Failing that set up a PRIVATE facebook page or a private event and invite them to join that and tell them that they CANNOT post elsewhere before the event, unless they want Friend 1 walking 10 mins and turning up on the day. Afterwards it doesnt matter what Friend1 does.
  3. I think that Friend 1 is taking advantage of your disability and imposing her will on you. If you are worried about her turning up on the day anyway (and she sounds like the sort of person who would) Can you get someone else in your family to be on watch and responsible for asking her to leave. With most people one could ignore it but from what you say your Friend 1 is a deliberate disruptor and you should not have to put up with that. Friend 2.. presuming you've told her what you think about the person she's involved with, and warned her of the consequences..and that you think she is reacting out of grief.. She is an adult and must make her own choices.. having said your piece, all you can do is support her when she needs it. I hope you manage to sort this out as its clear this is a worry for you and that you have a wonderful family celebration
NoSquirrels · 04/06/2019 12:59

Obnoxious "Friend" 1: You have no responsibility to this person and you don't need to feel bad about telling her she's no invited.
"Sorry, but I've checked with family and it's invite only."

Upset Poor Judgement BF: Tell her you love her, know she's in a weird place right now, that you will always be there for her but that she needs to be very careful with the new man, and you think she's making a huge mistake and would be better to walk away. Continue to support her but refuse to discuss the new relationship any more once you've had your say.

NoSquirrels · 04/06/2019 13:00

And if you've got lots of other family member who don't want "Friend" 1 to be there, ask the bluntest and least likely to give a fuck member to tell her instead of you.

Antonin · 04/06/2019 13:07

I agree with duckbill. Tell Friend1 it is a private family affair and have your appointed “watchdog” on the day deny her entry on those grounds

GraceSlicksRabbit · 04/06/2019 13:28

I don’t understand why you even think of the first person as your friend. What positive things do you gain from the relationship?

And why would she assume an invitation to your family event- is she a “friend” of the rest of your family too? If so, why do they tolerate her?

Friend 2- be gentle with her and offer to support her to going to bereavement counselling. It’s obvious this man is just a proxy for her husband. Other than that, stay out of it.

thenightsky · 04/06/2019 13:38

I'd drop friend 1 like a stone and be ready to support friend 2 when it all falls apart.

justilou1 · 04/06/2019 13:49

I do think you need to tell Friend 1 that she is not invited, or she'll show up and ruin it. It could work in your favour because she might get so resentful that she will leave you alone. The kind option would be to simply say "I don't think you understand, and I don't want you to be embarrassed, so I'm going to be blunt - it's immediate family only. You're not actually invited."

Or you could get someone else to invite her.
Or you could tell her it's cancelled and then not mention it ever again.

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