If you grew up without a father, do you, in fact, blame your mother?

[Freakingouttt]

As is so often trotted out on threads and in real life

“Will you be able to explain what happened”
“It’s important you (the mother) work to keep the relationship with the father and child going”
“They will want answers when they are older”

Plus all the how damaging it is for kids to be fatherless stuff trotted out all the time. If you are an adult without a father who do you blame or do you blame anyone at all?

I grew up with my dad but decided when I was 10 I didn't want to see him.
My mum and I occasionally have conversations now where she says she wishes she'd cut him out of our lives but I always respond that I'd have probably blamed her then and not understood as much as when I'd came to the decision by myself.

I grew up without a father. He left my mum when she was pregnant with me, and already had a child with him. I don't blame my mum at all. Why would I? She's the parent who stayed, brought us up, and made sure we knew we were he most important people to her. I have no feelings towards the person who fathered me.

*the most important

I grew up with my father at home. He worked and earned well. He took his responsibilities seriously.

I am interested to hear from posters how they view things having been brought up without a father.
Does anyone really think that a mother/woman should actually tolerate a no use husband/partner in order that children can say my dad lived with us.

I don’t think many women still subscribe to the “staying for the kids” line of thinking. I bloody hope they don’t anyway.

Youngest DD doesn’t see her “father”. ex MIL has made it clear DD won’t talk to either of us when she grows up!

I grew up with my father at home. He was/is emotionally abusive, narcissistic, very occasionally physically abusive. I wish more than anything that my mum had booted him out before I was old enough to be aware of his existence - I’d absolutely, unequivocally have rather been in a single parent family with her. instead she played down his behaviour and is still with him to this day, I’m now NC with him and have limited contact with her because they still live together. I blame her for not recognising his behaviour and doing something about it, I’ve told her I feel she failed me as a parent. Would I have blamed her if he left of his own accord though? Absolutely not

Do not blame my mother at all. They split when i was very small but she encouraged contact until i was old enough to decide for myself. She did explain what had happened between them when i was old enough, but even tho he was and is a massive prick she was always civil with him and never said a bad word about him.

I never "wanted answers" because i didnt know any different but perhaps i would if i didnt see him at all.

I am extremely glad they didnt stay together for me, my life would be completely different and much worse.

I dont really blame anyone they were really young when they had me and are very very different people. My dad could have got his act together but they still wouldn't have been right for eachother.

My mother booted my cheating twat of a father out when I was 13 and I haven't seen him since (my choice). The only thing I blame my mother for is not doing it sooner. I was, and still am, very proud of her for ending her marriage knowing he'd be a bastard through the divorce process as he had been throughout the marriage. We had some tough years after the divorce and I think my brothers suffered by not having a decent male role model around during their teenage years, but it was still 100x better than having to live with him.

I do blame my Mother. Entirely. When they got divorced she decided to stop him seeing us to punish him-it was a clear ‘if you don’t want me, you won’t have them’. She then spent my childhood telling me how he didn’t want me.

strangely I am now utterly NC with her but see my DF regularly.

My father died when I was two, so I cant blame anyone. I did go through a terrible angry, painful time though, which I think was due to this, at least partially. I was so jealous of my friends having fathers; and still love hearing my dc say 'Daddy'.
That's mainly why I made a real commitment to my eldest dc seeing their father when we divorced, even though I loath the man.

My husband grew up without his father and very very much blamed his father well into his adulthood. In fact so much so that despite his father trying to be in his life they do not have much of a relationship at all. It's only now that my husband has kids of his own and is in his late forties that hes started to say that perhaps he was a bit harsh to blame his father as much as he did. He really took his mothers side over it in childhood. I think maybe because his father re married very quickly and his mother took a lot longer to re marry. He does like his stepmother though and his step dad.... it's just his dad he took against!

My parents divorced when I was 2. I think my mum could have done more to keep her marriage together. The fallout was awful and huge for me.

@Freakingouttt I am not saying that anyone would or should stay with a rotten husband/partner for the sake of the children. Not a hope in my case.
I am now way down the line and the useless exh reappeared once the DC were adults. He is telling a very different story. There are papers as to why he was not allowed to see DC. Child Maintenance is resurrecting the CSA case and currently, I am owed almost £75K but I heard him claim that he had paid!
I thought my DC had brains enough to know but apparently not. They are accepting his words.
I am one side of the coin and I would be interested in hearing the views of DCs such as mine.

I grew up mostly without my mother....I blame her and only her.

I don’t blame none. My parents marriage was doomed. My mother was the most needy person I’ve ever met, my father the coldest, it was never going to work.
They both acted pretty appallingly throughout my childhood.
But again you can’t blame them, neither of them had much Parenting themselves.
I remember growing up thinking “ the buck stops here”

Mum booted out abusive dead when we were 8 and 7 respectively.

Wasn’t easy.,but ultimately all ok growing up. Glad my mum exited awful marriage ultimately. We (me and DSis) never blamed my mum. Brilliant relationship with her now in our 40s). Decent relationship with my dad, but that’s taken years to cultivate.

No
I blame the woman that chased him, had an affair with him, got rid of his baby then used it to blackmail him, who has physically attacked my mother at any opportunity, who has played mind games and isolated us (myself and siblings) from my fathers whole family with her manipulation and lies.

But most of all I blame him.

He swapped his family for a shag and it’s obvious to all he isn’t happy and is completely controlled by her- who is now his wife. He can’t even look us (me and siblings) in the eye to this day. Guilty conscience.

But that’s karma.

My parents divorced when I was 8

I blamed them both equally
My dad for having an affair and my mother for feeling the need to use us as a weapon against him.

To say the divorce had a detrimental effect on my relationship with them both is an understatement

It's affected all of us so much that non of us have ever married

Raised two daughters (adopted) as a single parent. Then raised the son of one of my daughters. His father visited about once a year even though he lived no more than 15 miles from his son. Never had him for an overnight or even took him for a meal. (Usually asked me for gas money when he visited!)
Grandson now grown and says he used to wish he had a regular father but is glad that he didn't have to associate with the one he had. Also he plans to be a hands on "real" father who gets married FIRST and buys a house and has a job and helps his wife with their boys!

I have never blamed my mother, I admire her greatly.

My dad died when I was 12 but they divorced 4 years before that, and I didn’t blame my mother at all for that part. In fact that part barely registered on the list of things that fucked me up as a child. My DM’s actions after Dad died, I do blame her for but that’s another subject.

So in the context of divorce or separation, no, I don’t blame her.

I am so interested in this thread.

Grew up seeing my Dad when he could be bothered to see me. Id see him every Sunday for a couple of months then he would disappear for a few years then appear again for a few more weeks. This went on until I was a teen when I think he felt too embarrassed to re-appear again after disappearing.
I blame only him. My mum and my grandparents filled in the 'gap' and I had a good childhood.

I didn’t see my father for around 4 years and as I child I blamed her massively.

I resented her, was rather rude to hair and always wanted to see my Dad. It sucks being a young girl without a present father no matter what some people like to say

My dm's idea of giving my df access was allowing him to visit at my home....
He was a coward not to stand up to her.
50/50 blame imo.
When ex and I split he walked away. Admitted as much to dd when she was 21 and found him on fb.
She blames him 100%.
Dd holds no anger she had no df.
Sees him 3 times a year as that's all she gets asked for.