Row with DH, handhold please?

[Surreymummy2019]

At a bit of a loss here and been in tears all day. DH and I have a beautiful 5 month DD. I’m on mat leave and DH has been at work after taking 2 mos leave. I’ve been struggling lately, just shattered and baby not sleeping well (she is EBF so I do all night wake up and feeds).

DH has been brilliant-doing all of the cooking and washing up. Laundry I do and the other tidying (bathroom, etc) is between the two of us. But he leaves the responsibility for all baby appointments etc with me, and I find the mental load exhausting and quite draining. And since he’s back at work (long hours) he only sees her for a half hour before he leaves and an hour at most when he’s home in the evening. And i try to adjust her nap schedule so he can see more of her, and then I also end up doing more cooking and cleaning so they can have more time together. But because he’s not with her much he doesn’t always see her cues and when I try to tell him she’s tired and doesn’t want to play more, he says he feels judged and that I don’t trust him with her.

To not drip feed, I’ve had a rubbish childhood and quite feel like I’m winging it here. I have no contact with my birth family, so really don’t have much in the way of role modelling.

DH has also been quite critical of me, if I say we should avoid X he looks it up to check if it’s true. (Even if I was just told that by health visitors this morning). I have been seeing talking therapy for help but it doesn’t seem to be doing much, and even that I’m getting worse. Perhaps it is reminding me of more things from my childhood and that is making the situation even more difficult for me.

I have been telling DH I would like more support and help with the mental load and finally told him it feels like he is making me into the main parent-he replies he had never heard anything worse in his life and thinks it will be a long time, if ever, before he can forgive me. We’re essentially not speaking now, just quietly sharing the baby duties and being in different rooms.

I am heartbroken, I already feel I am not fit to be a mum to my gorgeous girl (because of my upbringing) and feel awful for hurting my husband. I’m knackered and feel like I don’t know how to be a mum and don’t deserve DD. We’ve been together for many years and not ever had problems like this before. I don’t know how to make it right. I feel perhaps they should go live somewhere without me and I can visit on weeeknds, as I am too worried and flawed from my childhood.

Can anyone give advice? Apologies if I’m not making much sense but really having a rubbish and quite scattered at the moment X

Btw re apology I meant for saying that he is making you the main parent.

However as a pp has said he has overreacted & does seem very defensive.

He says you don't trust him, but then checks that what you have said is right!

He really needs to get over himself imo.

If you know her "cues"-why wouldn't he want to be told rather than see her upset for longer than necessary?

Unless you're telling him that he's doing it wrong & your way is the only way & he mustn't try anything else I'd have thought he would want to know what you have found that works.

Unless he's willing/able to change the hrs that he works then the fact is that he will be away from his daughter for long periods.

This can't have come as a surprise!

I think you need to call a truce, and somehow work how to move forward. Sleep deprivation is a killer, and god the arguments we had were spectacular but when you stop and think about it rather petty and really just misunderstanding each other.

Thank you, yes I now understand why he would be upset if he interpreted what i said as him being a crap parent. Obviously I didn’t mean that, just that I am feeling quite overwhelmed with being a full time mummy and trying to manage the household.

OP, I've been where you've been in my own way, and have a few observations, for what they're worth:

• If CBT is the sum total of your therapy, it isn't going to work. CBT is great for acute, recept trauma and some forms of addiction, but has shown, in the long-term, to be ineffectual with the deep trauma of a shitty childhood. Psychotherapy is far better.

• Unlike mothers who were mothered well as children, you're right: you don't have the modelling. But this doesn't just affect what you know and the 'how to' of parenting. It is also incredibly draining (physically, emotionally, psychologically) to be a mother when you weren't mothered. You are literally trying to fight against type, and to battle the inertia that wants to drag you back into your own experiences as an infant. Don't underestimate how powerful that 'drag' is; it can be totally and utterly overwhelming. You are doing GREAT just getting through the day. Really, you are beating the odds every time. Be gentle with yourself. As a child whose mother wasn't gentle, being gentle with oneself is revolutionary.

• Your husband is either trying to be supportive, or he is being abusive. It's nearly impossible to tell from what you've written - and if he's abusive, you will be unconsciously primed not to recognise it. So it's something worth bearing in mind: that you might not be being unreasonable at all.

• Finally, if you opt for psychotherapy rather than CBT, it will help you find perspective with all of the above. It takes time, but you can get there. My DS is now 12. Things have changed; I am a lot more available to him, because there is a lot more of me to give: I am no longer in survivor mode. Because, make no mistake, you are a survivor.

*recent trauma

I have been telling DH I would like more support and help with the mental load and finally told him it feels like he is making me into the main parent-he replies he had never heard anything worse in his life and thinks it will be a long time, if ever, before he can forgive me.

If he had simply said he was hurt by your comments - that’s fair enough, you could discuss it. You could also say you feel hurt by his constant second guessing of you checking stuff online.

But - he has effectively shut down any discussion on his parenting while yours is continually up for criticism. The ‘never forgive you’ line is a control mechanism to keep you on the back foot, now you feel bad and you’re chasing clemency.

Basically you asked for more help, and he said he may never forgive you.

Controlling arsehole. Sorry OP, you were absolutely allowed to say exactly what you said to him, it was a fair and reasonable thing to say, and he reacted as he did to silence and control you, and ignore your request

He says it was incredibly hurtful.
He needs to man up and get a grip, ffs.

Maybe have a chat with your health visitor about how you are feeling.She may be able to give practical help with mother and baby groups in your area.You sound a little bit isolated TBH ,and the extra support from other Mums will help you realise you are not alone. Can you have a chat to your husband ?you both seem a little bit nervous as parents ,and show it differently to each other perhaps. .Bear in mind that these early days are hard ,you are EBF which is tiring.and hubby may be feeling the strain .Good luck and you are doing very well indeed .

FistfulofDolores1 has explained it very well - its hard for us to tell if he is abusive, my take on it as I said earlier is that he can't cope so you have to make it right for him your job, your problem - but you will be conditioned not to recognise it, to blame yourself. And there are many posters who can help you to do that

Thank you for the support and advise. Dolores, i will look into physio therapy but was told only CBT would be offfered as They diagnosed me with anxiety.

I don’t believe DH is avusive-I can see how it might appear so from the post but I reckon it’s more as a PP said and he’s just incredibly hurt and interpreted my words as me saying he’s a crap dad, and missed my call for help. Will try to have a chat this evening when DD goes down for a few hours. Really appreciate all of tthe support and advise here ladies, thank you X

I think it’s really, really easy to underestimate the effect that having a baby has on your relationship. At first it’s all terrific and amazing and a feeling of a new adventure that you’re in together. But I remember with my first, around the six month mark, seriously hitting a wall with the mental load/ the sleep deprivation/ alone all day/ thinking I’d found my groove but in reality adjusting to a constantly changing baby. And for DH, it was like life had gone back to normal. It was a very difficult time when I felt like I should have had it all figured out - surely I was a competent parent by now, six months in?? - but was really finding it very difficult.

The reality is as the stay at home parent...you ARE the main parent. And though I had wanted to stay at home, I very unfairly resented the feeling of overwhelming responsibility that seemed to be on my shoulders alone.

I reckon a lot of parents feel like this, Op. With all things being equal and given the context of a good solid relationship previously, I would talk, talk, talk to my DH and make myself heard and understood,..but make sure I was also listening. Because this time in your marriage right now is just really difficult and lines of communication need to be open. I remember saying to my husband that we were in the middle of the really difficult years, and if we could just remember that when there were arguments that felt like the end of the world...then we could look back when the dust settled with calm rationale, and be OK.

If you tell your GP about your childhood growing up, then perhaps they will be more sympathetic about psychotherapy. I would also ask for it directly.

for you OP.

I would second the suggestion that you tell your GP about your childhood. I have anxiety rather than depression, but also had an abusive childhood, and was referred for psychotherapy (at my request).

I'm not saying you must fix yourself and that it's all you; just that you sound like you could do with some solid support.

I hope your DH snaps out of this soon.

He cba to read the info you got from medical appts and discuss with you about your daughter’s treatment - just wants to score points by googling stuff about grapes (which you obv should cut up) that’s shit.

You are the main parent. Baby’s young and ebf, you’re on mat leave etc. But I think your point is you don’t feel he’s interested in supporting you in this role (at this stage until baby develops further) and trying to be as active a parent as he can be (ie by engaging on all areas not just googling stuff that has annoyed him at a point in time). What you said wasn’t awful at all, in fact it’s inarguably true. His response is ridiculous - the worst thing he’s ever and doesn’t know he can ever forgive you? Jesus he would have fainted at some of the stuff I said to my husband at that stage 😬, and him back to me. It’s such a stressful time. What he said sounds pretty weird and dramatic and it does seem like it’s trying to panic and silence you. But see above, it’s a crazy stressful time when you say can say mad stuff. Only you know what he’s generally like. Keep an eye on this though.

Ps you sound like you’re doing an amazing job well done

Thank you for all of the replies and support. We’ve just had a chat and able to clear things up. I’ve apologised for what I said and he did as well. He just felt I was saying he was an absent dad (his dad wasn’t around much) and it felt too personal-in fact he’s tried to be more available for our DD but felt I was sometimes too protective or he didn’t want me to be cross with him for doing something wrong and that DD seems to prefer me now so he felt a bit lost. We’ve agreed we need to work on our xommunication much more so will hope we’re back on a smoother path.

Thank you again, really appreciate all of the advise and support - Xx

Oh I’m glad to hear that - sounds like a positive discussion.