Row with DH, handhold please?

[Surreymummy2019]

At a bit of a loss here and been in tears all day. DH and I have a beautiful 5 month DD. I’m on mat leave and DH has been at work after taking 2 mos leave. I’ve been struggling lately, just shattered and baby not sleeping well (she is EBF so I do all night wake up and feeds).

DH has been brilliant-doing all of the cooking and washing up. Laundry I do and the other tidying (bathroom, etc) is between the two of us. But he leaves the responsibility for all baby appointments etc with me, and I find the mental load exhausting and quite draining. And since he’s back at work (long hours) he only sees her for a half hour before he leaves and an hour at most when he’s home in the evening. And i try to adjust her nap schedule so he can see more of her, and then I also end up doing more cooking and cleaning so they can have more time together. But because he’s not with her much he doesn’t always see her cues and when I try to tell him she’s tired and doesn’t want to play more, he says he feels judged and that I don’t trust him with her.

To not drip feed, I’ve had a rubbish childhood and quite feel like I’m winging it here. I have no contact with my birth family, so really don’t have much in the way of role modelling.

DH has also been quite critical of me, if I say we should avoid X he looks it up to check if it’s true. (Even if I was just told that by health visitors this morning). I have been seeing talking therapy for help but it doesn’t seem to be doing much, and even that I’m getting worse. Perhaps it is reminding me of more things from my childhood and that is making the situation even more difficult for me.

I have been telling DH I would like more support and help with the mental load and finally told him it feels like he is making me into the main parent-he replies he had never heard anything worse in his life and thinks it will be a long time, if ever, before he can forgive me. We’re essentially not speaking now, just quietly sharing the baby duties and being in different rooms.

I am heartbroken, I already feel I am not fit to be a mum to my gorgeous girl (because of my upbringing) and feel awful for hurting my husband. I’m knackered and feel like I don’t know how to be a mum and don’t deserve DD. We’ve been together for many years and not ever had problems like this before. I don’t know how to make it right. I feel perhaps they should go live somewhere without me and I can visit on weeeknds, as I am too worried and flawed from my childhood.

Can anyone give advice? Apologies if I’m not making much sense but really having a rubbish and quite scattered at the moment X

DH has also been quite critical of me, if I say we should avoid X he looks it up to check if it’s true. In what way is that critical? You could choose to look at that differently in that he is co-parenting & finding out information for himselftoo

Not necessarily

If you have ever lived with someone who is constantly trying to "prove you wrong" then it can be very wearing and undermining. The example that OP gives where the doctor has told her to keep the baby's skin covered but the "D"H is trying to "prove" that its doesn't need to be sounds very odd.

The thing is, if you’ve had health anxiety issues it’s not a bad thing for him to check to make sure.

And the main parent is the one who is with the child all day, so yes that’s you but it’s not his fault or of his making, and I can see how that would be upsetting for him.

I wonder if he doesn't get what you mean by "mental load"?

Tbh I'm one who doesn't really get it-to me it's just doing what needs to be done.

I can understand that you feel he is checking up when you tell him things.

Why does he not believe you?

If your GP has specifically told you to keep your baby covered then there's no discussion or checking needed!

How about this?

She thinks she's not a good enough parent and can't be trusted to make the right decisions. I've gone back to work and when she says something that doesn't sound quite like things I've been told, rather than tell her it's wrong straight away as that would be cruel and bullying, I check first - she's always been right. I've been very hands on during Paternity Leave, so it's been hard when she's told me I'm doing something wrong during the short time I get to see DC now, compared to being there all the time.

When DC needed a hospital referral, I trusted her to make the best choice. When she asked me, I gave the decision back to her and I thought that, as I'm at work now, she was easily capable to attend the appointment alone, so I didn't insist upon attending, I wanted her to feel that she was capable of doing it herself.

She's now told me that I've pretty much abandoned her and the baby. That really hurts. I haven't. I want her to be happy and confident and to continue being a great Mum, as her upbringing doesn't make her a bad person or unable to do it. But she's telling me I'm a shit Dad and husband when I'm trying to support her emotionally and practically. What do I do? I can't speak to her about it, or she'll get upset again. All I can do is come home, look after our baby as much as I can (worrying I'll be told I'm doing it wrong again), keep quiet and try to get over the feeling that she's going to leave or tell me I'm rubbish again.

Not saying that's the real situation, I don't know - but it could be.

I think regardless of what caused the argument you and DH really need to sort it out. Nothing will get solved with him not talking to you. Can you have a proper sit down with him and discuss everything?

@MitziK these were my thoughts too when reading the thread too.

Actually it sounds to me as if he is being supportive and giving you a lot of help and this is why your words probably hurt him.
He is out all day at his job and whilst he is out at work looking after your child and everything related to it will fall to you.
I think your anxiety is at the root of all this. Having a baby and all the changes it brings can be a huge shock and takes a while to adjust to.

As he complains about OP not ‘trusting’ him when she tells him things about the baby’s cues, and that he feels ‘judged’, he is at the very least a massive hypocrite.

Equally, if she asks for his opinion and he doesn’t have one, that’s not good enough either.

OP. Just sit him down and talk it all out, but you need to make sure you listen to what he needs too. He’s allowed to look things up. It isn’t a slight on you, it’s him being an interested parent. It would be way worse if he just said you were wrong and carried on with what he was doing.

I always read up on things for myself, too. It's not that I don't believe people. I just like to know stuff for myself. And as the stay at home parent, it never occurred to me to ask my husband to come to appointments with me. Time off work isn't that easily come by. It's pretty usual, unless there's a serious medical issue, for a working partner to come along.

And yes, I wonder what wording you actually used for him to be so hurt. It seems that you're really struggling emotionally, so he probably thinks he's doing his best, but you don't appreciate it.

Anxiety and lack of confidence are horrible, and I do sympathise with you. I think you need support, but also you need to recognise that you might be misreading things.

Ugh. UNusual, not usual

Have you apologised?

Just seen about your anxiety-do you think that that is why he double checks stuff?

Would his hrs make it difficult/impossible to book appointments?

If not, you could ask him to help-but it's generally easier for the one attending to book, isn't it?

I think that all of us were winging it as first time new parents. I know we were, and it was very hard.

On the face of it, his reaction to you does sound very OTT and spiteful. It is impossible to really gauge the context over a few posts on an internet forum, but perhaps you are both exhausted and anxious as it is your first baby.

It may be best to let the dust settle a bit and see how he reacts. You aren't alone with this sort of argument in the early stages though. Not at all. I sometimes wonder how DH and I managed to get through it intact, but we did. I can't really remember much about the tensions, but I know they were there. Most things did just fizzle out with time

You are a great mum. You are the mum your DD needs you to be. Tell yourself that. Be kinder to yourself.

Would it be worth visiting your GP in case of Post Natal Depression? It can cause things like severe anxiety (amongst many other things) and is very common.

Op, could you be suffering from post natal depression?

Some of these things, to be honest I'm not sure if it's your mental health talking, and as you are at home all day and your husband is at work, then you would by default do the majority of the parenting, hospital a docs stuff is usually booked in working hours unless an emergency etc, so the admin stuff would fall to you. Unless he did it during his work breaks?

Do you have plans to go back to work? I'd also consider if uou do have post natal depression and maybe speak to your doctor about how you're feeling,

On the one hand, I can see that if you are anxious generally, he checks to see if your response is proportionate to the risk. But in that case, what he should do is be part of the appointments and read the materials so that he is equally informed.

When I was working on DD's behavioural stuff, DH essentially was told either read/learn/do as much as I do and be part of the decision making, or just follow my lead on it. You can't have an equal opinion if you haven't tried to learn.

My DH and I had never had a row until dc1 came along and we went down a similar route as you and your dh. What really helped was my DH read a book called Babyproofing Your Marriage. It really helped us see what was happening with our marriage. We have 3 dc now and rarely argue.

This phase is really hard whilst you learn how to parent together. Its not straightforward as your roles are different. The key is communication but it has to come from both of you...

Get yourself checked in case of PND. First babies are stressful and tiring anyway, for both parents, and if your baby is unwell and needing extra checks, that's even more stressful.

So be kind to yourself and your dh.

By the way, you are the main parent, as the stay-at-home parent, so you should feel like one. Your dh checking up stuff you've said sounds annoying and disrespectful but it may come from a place of worry and fear about your dd and being extra careful, rather than deliberate disrespect. Still annoying though. But he's probably also tired and stressed, much like you.

You sound like you're doing a great job, so definitely don't think of leaving your baby with dh and leaving. Ask family/friends/GP for support instead.

SurreyMummy

You're massively sleep-deprived and he's now back at work. Neither of you knows all the answers and neither of you is in the wrong.

Just go to him and tell him you're sorry you seem to have upset him, but you're very, very tired and just want him to know that you don't question his abilities as a father.

You say you're winging it - we all are, I promise you. I can remember being utterly horrified at the HV weighing clinic, by a comment a mother of three made to me about her baby sleeping through the night. I felt completely useless - that I must be doing something wrong - for my baby woke up all night long.

It wasn't until I had my second baby that I realised the one-upmanship that exists between mothers.

Anyway - you sound like a wonderful mother (and he sounds like a wonderful father) and neither of you is in the wrong here really.

I'm not convinced, @MitziK.

My take on the OP and the OP's updates is that he has refused/can't attend the appointments, but also has refused to read the literature provided by medical experts. But when OP, who has attended the meetings, read the literature and tried to engage her husband about it, relays something she has been told by a medical expert/HV in regards to the baby, instead of saying 'ok', he questions her instructions and only agrees after he rushes off to look it off. This is sending a clear message that while he can't be bothered to listen or read what they've been given, or engage in discussions immediately after appointments, he's happy to 'tell' her through his actions that he doesn't trust her judgement. Even though she's the one doing all the leg work. And now he's 'outraged' that she told him how she feels about his actions and treatment of her.

To me, he sounds like a controlling dick in the making. Constantly undermining. Constantly judging. Even with something like grapes. Which everyone today knows are a major choking hazard ... but impling she's nuts for being concerned. Nasty.

Do NOT tell him to take the baby, OP. You are the best mother your baby has and you are doing everything right. Your DH, otoh, isn't being as supportive as you have asked, and that's on him, not you.

Thank you for all of the kind words and support, it really helps a lot.

MitziK, I reckon this is a good way to think of things, it’s hard to get in DH’s head sometimes (he’s not generally very expressive as most men aren’t) and I can very much imagine this is how he’s feeling now.

I’ve been checked over for PND and told I have anxiety so been getting CBT for tha but doesn’t seem to be helping. I reckon I’ve got much more issues from my childhiod than can be sorted in a six week session.

Yes I don’t think this is about either of us being right or wrong really, just really feels we’re at an impasse and I feel wretched for having hurt Dh’s Feeling, and especially worried we’ll never be able to get our communication back on track. It reeally helps to know others have gone through this and made it out alright.

I haven’t apologised yet as wanted to give him a bit of space and needed a bit of a think for myself as well.

Don't worry this is common it's just a fraught time . As you said he's pulling his weight ,it's all out getting used to things and finding your feet. Nothing is wrong with double checking things it's all new and learning curve
As for appointment if he's working and it's you who's taking her surely it makes sense for you to deal then you can plan things and your day.
He does his bit round the house works long hours to support the family and as you have said is supportive of you and you have basically turned round and said he's a shit dad how hurtful.

But yes Fkerken that’s also part of the difficulty-he doesn’t engage with the medical appointments for example and then second guesses me when I relay the advise. Perhaps because of my anxiety but perhaps also he is engaging in his own way as others have suggested. But it feels more judgemental-he says “oh really??“ and looks it up, not “ interesting, I should read more about that.”

I'd be bloody furious if I made a comment on the 'right' thing to do for the baby and my husband looked it up to check! The OP's DH should be trusting her, especially as he's not even going to hospital appts with her.

He won't read the literature but checks online?

It's not the OP at fault here.

It's difficult to tell if he's awful or if you're just having a communication breakdown. It sounds as though he's finding out more about the baby's condition just no at the timing or in the way you would like but you can't complain he isn't reading material and also complain that he does read material if you give advice that he doesn't understand.
Your primary parent comment may have hit a nerve. If he's around people who have custody arrangements then primary parent can ring bells about a parent positioning for custody. Of course you are baby's primary carer but it's debatable whether that needs to be said to the other parent when you're trying to navigate new parenthood together

You have pretty much told him he is being a crap parent. Which is surely unfair. You are both learning, do you want him to come to the medical appointment? If so have you told him that in so many words? Or have you just told him you struggle with the 'mental load'? If I told my dh that
he wouldn't have a clue what I meant.
Have you asked him why he checks stuff? You are presuming that he doesnt believe you but it could easily be that he just wants to understand the reasoning behind it.
He took 2 months off which is a long time compared to many fathers, he does the housework etc it doesnt sound like a dad who cba to me.

But neither is he tbh.

OP you are the main parent at the moment. In the respect that he is at work all day, and it is your job/responsibility to do the child stuff. I can imagine it is frustrating, but I wouldn't see his deciding to look info up more sounds like just wanting to get extra info/see it confirmed for himself. You can't really say he doesn't take enough interest and then be cross he takes interest in the wrong way.