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Original poster

Please help me. My children are breaking me

71 replies

SomeoneYouLove · 29/05/2019 16:27

They are 4 and 22 months. Both girls.

Just horrific. The toddler believes she is 4 and has a fucking death wish. I literally can’t take my eyes off her for a second or she’s destroying something, being violent to her sister or making a bee line for the stairs. Yesterday they were at the table drawing. I turned round to put something in the fridge and she scribbled all over the wall. She had clearly been waiting for her 15 second window of opportunity. She won’t stay in her car seat. She climbs and jumps off furniture. If it wasn’t for the fact that I watch her like a total hawk she’d have seriously injured herself by now.

She gives absolutely zero fucks. If I tell her off for something (eg she will get a firm “no!” if she hurts 4 year old DD) she laughs. But she’s not even two yet so I don’t know what the fuck else I’m supposed to do?!

The four year old is well behaved but so, so needy. Does nothing for herself. Needs me involved in everything. Won’t go to the toilet herself etc (she can - she goes to nursery three days per week and manages it fine there). I am working on this.

I’m just so fucking tired. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

adaline · 29/05/2019 16:34

What are the consequences for her behaviour? Does she lose a toy? Get put in time out?

Original poster

SomeoneYouLove · 29/05/2019 16:36

I’ve tried taking toys away. She doesn’t care

OP posts:

Ravingstarfish · 29/05/2019 16:41

I think you need to toddler proof the house. Stair gates up, stuff put out of the way, drawing done at a high chair. Just so you can breathe for 5 minutes.
4yo sounds like she’s being needy because toddler gets a lot of attention for her antics.
When toddler does something you need a consequence, put her in a play pen or sit her on a step for time out, you might have to persist and keep putting her there but some talk about it. Just ‘no’ time out. As she gets older you can explain why obviously.
Have strict bedtime routines and make an hour a day for you and 4yo to play/draw/read/bake together, maybe when toddler is in bed.
If it’s still a struggle just think 4yo can go school and 2yo preschool come September.

Interested in this thread?

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4 year olds Families

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 29/05/2019 16:41

I have similar aged children. It’s a hard age, and harder than baby and toddler in my experience.

Things that have helped me are a) thinking time in their room. I don’t leave them long only a few minutes then I go and talk to them/reiterate what I want from them. I’ve done this with my youngest pre-2 but probably depends on the child if they would understand.

throwing myself into playful games for 20mins then buys me time later. They want our attention so I try to give it often.
stair gates or locks on different parts of the house so you can toddler proof certain rooms and lock off certain rooms e.g adult bedroom. I also have cupboard locks in the kitchen.

None of these ideas change the basic fact that it’s bloody hard work. Get your self a G&T and moan frequently to understanding friends with kids the same age.

Original poster

SomeoneYouLove · 29/05/2019 16:43

She’s just a complete law unto herself. If I put her on the naughty step she wld laugh and disappear up the stairs. I just can’t do this. I’m so fucking shit at it all

OP posts:

TeenTimesTwo · 29/05/2019 16:44

Is the 4 yo being needy as a way to get your attention because the toddler is getting the bulk of it?

I'd try time out for the toddler - so no attention for being naughty, coupled with lots of attention for big sister when she's being good. Lots of praise for independence. Maybe a star chart.

Sit between them when doing activities so they can't fight and make sure you keep attention switching?

Now weather is nicer lots of time in the park to tire them out, or soft play?

if all else fails a bar of chocolate and a good DVD once they're in bed?

Soola · 29/05/2019 16:45

I had a huge big old fashioned wooden playpen that worked great for putting a toddler in.

If it got too much I used to get in it and tell them I wasn’t coming out!

Ravingstarfish · 29/05/2019 16:45

You’re not shit at all, just at the end of your tether. I have a severely autistic child who was similar at that age and it was hell on Earth.
Do you have a cot or high chair she could go in? Is she talking yet? Have you had 2 year health check yet?

64sNewName · 29/05/2019 16:46

Yeah, time out and steps don’t work for a lot of kids. Never worked for me. Can’t understand how it works for anyone tbh.

Sympathies and

chocatoo · 29/05/2019 16:46

You need a play pen. Dress it up as a house/castle or whatever but use it as a cage to keep little one safe/away from sister when needed.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 29/05/2019 16:48

If I put her on the naughty step she wld laugh and disappear up the stairs

Put a stair gate on her bedroom or if she is still in a cot, put her in a cot. It shouldn’t be dramatic, be very matter of fact. E.g we don’t hit our sister..pick her up and put her in her room/cot. Then two minutes later... “are you ready for kind hands?” Okay ... off you go. Expect to have to do it a few times before she gets the idea.

adaline · 29/05/2019 16:54

If I put her on the naughty step she wld laugh and disappear up the stairs

Baby gate her in? So one at the top, one at the bottom and have both closed?

It sounds very hard

Nameusernameuser · 29/05/2019 16:57

My son is the same age, well nearly 20 months. I just have the one though and discipline is so hard at that age because they don't really know what's going on. If he does something naughty (usually grabbing my glasses off my face) I take him straight to his room and sit him there. Obviously he gets right up and follows me to the living room but that's fine, because as he gets older hell know that's the consequence. Take her to her room every single time.

TeenTimesTwo · 29/05/2019 16:58

Or time-in?

DD2 has to stick by you (while you do something really boring like MN, or eg play a game with DD1)

But a play pen sounds like a good plan if there is one she can't escape from.

HollowTalk · 29/05/2019 17:00

Have you watched any of those nanny programmes? They were quite transformational.

UCOinanOCG · 29/05/2019 17:02

Both their behaviours are rewarded, by loads of attention from you, when they do the very thing you don't want them to do.

You need to turn that around. Only reward their good behaviour.

Give excessive praise and attention when they are displaying behaviour you like, and want them to repeat. It can seem counterintuitive to interrupt them when they are behaving but they will connect what they were doing with smiley, happy, playful mummy.

For the undesired behaviour you do the minimum to remove them, sort them etc with a silent and stony face. They get no interaction with you for displaying that behaviour. You have to act like that behaviour is not bothering you no matter how hard it is.

If good behaviour comes you switch on the happy, playful mummy. Bad behaviour silent, stony mummy. They will soon get the drift.

formerbabe · 29/05/2019 17:03

Was coming on to say playpen!

cestlavielife · 29/05/2019 17:05

They are not breaking you or out to get you.
they are being kids

Kids draw on walls. Fact.
Kids like attention. Fact.
If they don't get it for nice behaviour they will do something else to get your attention.

Naughty step if you want to pursue that route does not need an actual step...enclosing on stairs is dangerous! put toddler in playpen where safe.

Getting out of Car seat? Big no. Get an extra harness of some kind of anti Houdini.

Send both to.nursery.
Look up.authoritative parenting or ask hv about courses. .

isthatabloborwhat · 29/05/2019 17:06

If ever there was a need for a playpen, this is it.

We got an old-fashioned second hand wooden one that somebody advertised in the local paper for a song. It made life so much easier, and dc didn't mind being in there at all. It was in the middle of the floor in the living room.

The only thing you have to watch out for - don't put large toys/teddies in there, as they will be piled up, climbed on and used as an escape route

Isatis · 29/05/2019 17:08

She won’t stay in her car seat

Is she undoing the straps? If so, you can get childproof straps.

dodobookends · 29/05/2019 17:10

Don't use the bedroom as somewhere to put them when they misbehave, otherwise they will start to associate being in their bedroom as some sort of punishment, and you really don't want that.

ComeAndDance · 29/05/2019 17:11

Time out doesn’t work ime.
Nor does taking toys away or stickers charts etc...

The inky thing that worked with my dc was a firm command. Asking once, twice then getting up and taking them by the hand away from or towards whatever they were supposed to do.
Stairs, I just taught them to go down on their tummy instead.
When they hit a bit olde, I did the same but with counting to 3 before hand. After a while they KNOW they can’t get away with it.

It’s hard work though ((hugs))

Moodyfoodie · 29/05/2019 17:11

Toddler needs a playpen. You need to be able turn your back for a minute! She sounds like she would hate being contained so use that as a punishment instead of a naughty step which she can escape from.

sleepismysuperpower1 · 29/05/2019 17:12

just came on to say about a playpen. you can get one off ebay, pop some small toys in there and have a few minutes to breathe. it can also be moved to the garden (especially if you get one without a base) so they can get some fresh air and you can tidy up the kitchen (provided you can see dc of course). do you have some toys in the garden for your oldest? try giving her a bowl of water and telling her to make a potion. she can use anything on the ground. it will keep her busy for 20 minutes. all the best x

Singlenotsingle · 29/05/2019 17:15

Stairgates are the work of the angels. I still have one at the bottom of the stairs to keep Dgd3 away. (I can also keep ddog on the stairs). More stair gates keep the garden fenced off.

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