Please help me. My children are breaking me

[SomeoneYouLove]

They are 4 and 22 months. Both girls.

Just horrific. The toddler believes she is 4 and has a fucking death wish. I literally can’t take my eyes off her for a second or she’s destroying something, being violent to her sister or making a bee line for the stairs. Yesterday they were at the table drawing. I turned round to put something in the fridge and she scribbled all over the wall. She had clearly been waiting for her 15 second window of opportunity. She won’t stay in her car seat. She climbs and jumps off furniture. If it wasn’t for the fact that I watch her like a total hawk she’d have seriously injured herself by now.

She gives absolutely zero fucks. If I tell her off for something (eg she will get a firm “no!” if she hurts 4 year old DD) she laughs. But she’s not even two yet so I don’t know what the fuck else I’m supposed to do?!

The four year old is well behaved but so, so needy. Does nothing for herself. Needs me involved in everything. Won’t go to the toilet herself etc (she can - she goes to nursery three days per week and manages it fine there). I am working on this.

I’m just so fucking tired. I don’t know what to do.

Stair gates
Playpen
Toddler proofing
Don't give her pens
She sounds like a normal toddler, they are hard work. I had twins. No pens, toddler proofed house.
A lot of your stress is because for example you don't have stair gates.

I second the Sarah Ockwell-Smith books.

If you really stick to it, it works - I do notice a difference in my kids for sure. But sometimes, especially with this pregnancy and feeling so shitty all the time, a method that requires a hell of a lot of patience and keeping your own emotions in check is really difficult to stick too.
I’m trying really hard to get my head back in the game though!

Don't use cot as playpen it will end up in her not going in at bed time. Even if it takes up the entire house, get a playpen. For your own sanity.

Is the 4yo starting school this year? Once she's out of nursery can you put the toddler in and go to work? (Serious suggestion, it's what I did as I was a crap SAHM)

It sounds tough, well done trying to keep your sanity. Suspect you have higher standards than me, I'm just beginning to get my house back after 7 years. Really do remove everything valuable, harmful, breakable so they can flail around with no real issues and def get the gate. Our travel cot was the (happy) baby jail - one in at a time unless I was in too. Totally get that the sound of yourself saying, 'NO!' does your head in. Two things I found useful - emphasise the positive instruction and complete indifference. When water being poured onto floor, smile and say, "look, the water goes here - can you makes a bubble when you pour the water in here? Shall we pour the water in here from high up? Shall we pour the water in here from ...". Indifference to water on floor, every time. Big interest in water in HERE. On a bath related thing could only get youngest in with a big cup,bit of washing up liquid, bit of water and a straw for blowing bubbles that go up their noses. One more? Dens. Move the furniture and use blankets, little ones seems to calm down when cocooned. I really hope you have helpful family/friends around, I am a much nicer parent after I've had 10 min break. Good luck.

Eeek NOT saying you're a crap SAHM in any way btw!!! Toddlers are so hard.

They have every bloody toy going for the garden. Water table. Sand pit. Slide. Playhouse.

^^

They could have too much. It's over stimulation. My two are exactly the same and they will play more with a bucket and spade.

You definitely need to be a toddler proof your environment so they can basically go crazy and not have access to anything that they can destroy. Our house looks like a solitary confinement cell!

Stair gates
Playpen
Toddler proofing
Don't give her pens

^

This, really.

Just came to say that you're not shit. It's hard. Give yourself some love and remember toddlers aren't forever.

Not sure if someone already suggested this but could this help with the car seat situation maybe?

Beyond that I have a 25 month old and I find the best method is ignoring her when she has a tantrum and making the house toddler proof. She has drawing/painting but it's the aqua doddle stuff so the worst that happens is things get a bit damp. Anything she isn't safe with has locks on the cupboard doors etc. She climbs and jumps on things but also I tend to let her (to a point) make the mistakes. She's touched hot radiators and fallen off the sofa, she's fallen off her little table when she climbed up there and she's also slipped when she has been messing around on the stairs. Every time I made sure nothing was going to be serious but I also tried to let her learn why it might not be a good idea to do it again. For the most part this has worked well and she doesn't repeat the same thing again. Sorry if I'm just saying stuff you've already tried.

Your kids are just at hard ages.

Naughty step/telling off etc is unlikely to do much at under 2 so would only use as a token thing or if you want to get into the habit of being consistent. It's much better to prevent misbehaviour as far as you possibly can by removing access to whatever it is, baby proofing, close supervision etc.

Five point plus or besafe belt collector should stop the arms out issue with the car seat. Unfortunately due to the way a 5 point harness works they will always be able to escape by sucking their tummy in.

Find out as many/research/ask friends etc for free or low cost things to do locally and go out every single day, even if it's just to let them run around the park. Exhausting them helps. Keep an eye on local selling sites and buy weather proof clothing so you can do this even if it's cold or rainy.

How to talk is very good (little kids Version might be best) also siblings without rivalry.

Treat parenting as a "job" at the min. Make sure DH comes back at a set time as far as possible and gives you a break when he gets in. At weekends take it in turns to have a lie in. Make sure household stuff is divided fairly and ask him to take in more if you need to. Assign yourself breaks during the day as well. Use TV or whatever you need to do that. You're in a very intense stage and risk burn out, so proper breaks for you are essential - if you can get a night out once a month or so or if the budget stretches, an occasional weekend away, even better. If you're really struggling think long term about work - part time or full time. Let the 2yo be nursery's or childminders problem for a bit!

Will 4yo start school in September? That should help, although expect meltdowns at Christmas.

Yep ravingstarfish that's the theory...

Decide which behaviours need a consequence and ignore the rest. She will laugh at things, because it gets a reaction. Just ignore. Sort out a safe and boring place and put her in it when she hits her sister. Don't make it into a castle or anything, or the idea will be diluted.
Do you have a gym or anything near you with a crèche, you could just put them in and go for a swim/coffee/class, etc. just for a break.
What about your partner, can he look after them for a day so you can go off on your own

I couldn't wait to go back to work (albeit 3 days per week) after having a feral DC2.

My second child was (still is ) a complete and utter live wire who always managed to find the naughtiest, most dangerous way to do things. Aged 2 she had eaten a battery, pulled an iron on herself my fault really as I thought she was secure but she wasn't eaten Metanium (nappy cream), fallen down the stairs (uninjured) and caused utter havoc and chaos to the house, older DCs stuff and her own stuff. She used to eat the spines off of baby books

Nothing helped - believe me we tried. But me being out a few days a week made a massive difference in how I coped and interacted with her. * She was with my MIL when I went back and was nowhere near as difficult by all accounts.

She's 4 now. A lovely little thing but still quite a handful I'm not looking forward to her teenage years.

Crunchy mum - don't fear the teens. Albeit mine are only 14 and 12 but it's a breeze compared to toddlers. Same tactics but not as relentless. Plus if you have a naughty baby they can't then be a naughty teenager, it's a law of mother nature.

Dont see it as punishing but as teaching.they are not purposely out to get you.
They are both under five they are learning. From you.

What gets attention what doesn't.
If you have staircase top and bottom fine but don't put child on steps in between them.
If you want bedrooms to be for sleeping in and a nice calm place thendon't send them there when they displaying naughty behaviour. Look at things from their point of view.
Ask school if they run any classes.... for ideas.

Try reading “how to talk so little kids will listen”.

Go out- out of the garden- to the park or the woods or a massive fucking field. Let them go wild there. Take snacks, drinks etc so you don’t have to spend anything.

Do you explain consequences? My almost 3 yo is a climber. I find that explaining “okay babe you’re welcome to climb this extremely high wardrobe- but if you fall off you will bang your head very hard”.
This stops him now he’s old enough to recognise past experience.

If you can, ask them to fake bad behaviour elsewhere. My DS has started spitting (a child nursery has shown him the delightful
Trick) - when he spits I say very firmly and calmly “that is a HORRID antisocial habit- if you want to do that, take it in another room. I don’t want to see it!”
Stops him pretty sharply as he hates being apart from me.

It’s all about finding what makes your kid pay attention - for mine it’s laying out the consequences.

SomeoneYouLove honestly though my main advice is to look after yourself. Most likely you aren't doing anything wrong. It really is incredilbly hard work. Reward yourself, just like you would after a hard day at a demanding job.

A friend swear by a mummy/daddy reward chart. Basically every time one their kids does something infuriating they gets points towards something they want. She says it's given her a more sunny outlook on their pre-schooler/toddler antics!

^ they being the parents. The children obviously have to be unaware of the chart!

I had to stop using the playpen at around 18-20m with my DS2 because he could climb out of it. No big toys in there, he worked out how to belly roll out over the top. He'd stay in it and play if I was sitting nearby watching tv, but if I left the room, he'd escape.

Time out was no use at all unless he was behind a closed door that he couldn't open - I'd use the master bedroom in extremis because it had a high handle that he couldn't reach. That did help, although I'd have to put up with a lot of shrieking to start with.

DS2 doesn't have any SN as far as I'm aware (he's 6 now), he was just a very attention-heavy child who liked to be with me At All Times. He used to beat up his older brother as well - and for the first 2 years of his life, I would tell DS1 to be nice because he was only a baby and didn't mean it, while still trying to stop DS2 from doing it. Once DS2 turned 2, I told DS1 he should defend himself of DS2 attacked him - that seemed to slow the attack rate down more than anything else.

Does she like playdough? DS2 loves it. He will sit and play with it for hours, has done since he was about 3 - if you haven't already tried it, might be worth a go.

If you get a playpen, I would put it somewhere with a door between you. She sounds strong willed. She will scream to come out. Note: scream, not cry.

I have found that my kids know when I can't take it and will push more nectar they know I can't fight. At these times I try and channel someone I know who had very firm boundaries. I just calmly stick to no. It's easier said than done, but they recognise no from someone who means it and someone who may cave.