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Original poster

Anyone good with words who can help me word an awkward email to my Priest?!

41 replies

TheBrilloPad · 27/05/2019 00:00

Background: Split up from ExH when pregnant due to DV. I attend church every week, alone. My baby is getting Christened next weekend. My priest does not know my personal life, and wouldn't know I left ExH.

I have been to recent Christenings where the priest has talked about the sacrament of baptism and linked it to the sacrament of marriage, how both are joyful etc. And another one where he talked about the love of the parents and the love in the family etc. So I want to email my priest and say "hi, I left my husband due to DV when pregnant and he will be there, but we aren't together. Can you please be sensitive of this and not mention anything about marriage/love etc in your sermon?"

How do I phrase that so I don't sound self obsessed like I want him to word the sermon so it doesn't offend/upset me, and so I also don't imply he's a totally insensitive buffoon who needs to be told what to do?? He's a very old school Catholic priest in his 70s.

OP posts:
Luzina · 27/05/2019 00:05

I would go and speak to him face to face if that is at all possible. Apart from anything else, my experience of emailing local priest is that he is extremely busy and tends to be quite slow to get to his emails.

You can't do anything other than politely request what he puts in his sermon and i really think that is best done face to face

UrsulaPandress · 27/05/2019 00:06

Good luck with that. Very much depends on your priest.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/05/2019 00:08

Talk to him in person. An email would be inappropriate and given you have nothing to feel shame over, he needs to be able to fully appreciate your emotions behind this. You were assaulted and abused by your ex, and clearly the relationship had to be ended. Him mentioning the sacrament of marriage would be very awkward and painful for you.

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WatcherintheRye · 27/05/2019 00:11

I agree that it's not really the type of conversation to have by email. I'm sure if you explain the problem face to face, he'll see how anxious you are and hopefully be able to reassure you.

DramaAlpaca · 27/05/2019 00:13

I agree with talking to him face to face. Apart from anything else, it can be hard to get the tone right in an email. And it does depend on your priest. I've come across one or two open minded ones, but they are outnumbered by the many more die-hard traditionalists who don't take kindly to having things suggested to them.

kaytee87 · 27/05/2019 00:22

Yes, speak to him face to face. I'd have thought a meeting beforehand would be normal anyway.
Just tell him you are separated and be honest about the reason (in case he offers you marriage guidance or something!)

Peakypolly · 27/05/2019 00:37

I am not impressed with a priest - or at least a representative from the church- who has not visited you and got to know the family dynamics prior to welcoming your DC to the faith.
I would imagine you are not the first to have a non-traditional family arrangement.

SouthWestmom · 27/05/2019 00:39

How have you arranged the baptism without that coming up? I'm just surprised because all of mine involved chats to the vicar at the church (Scotland, Episcopalian)

I would definitely speak to him face to face or over the phone about it but possibly not the DV as the ex will be there? Might he wonder about why he is still involved?

StoppinBy · 27/05/2019 00:39

I agree with talking in person, when it comes to difficult things that need discussion it is much easier, less complicated and far clearer for all involved to do so in person.

LemonTT · 27/05/2019 00:52

I think it might be difficult for the OP to open up to the priest face to face which may be why she wants to email. OP that is the case, the below text should ok for most types of priest. I do think face to face would be better but realise it might be too difficult to contemplate on your own. Perhaps ask the godparents or grandparents.

I also would be to call the rectory or parochial house to confirm the priest uses email. Then I would say something along the lines of

“Dear father

As you will be aware my child, [fullname] is getting baptised on [date]. It may be helpful to confirm that my husband will not be in attendance as we have recently separated.

The decision to separate was not taken lightly as I respect my vows and my religious commitments. However my husband has committed acts that cannot be tolerated within the sacrament of marriage.

This is a sensitive and raw time for myself and my family. The separation has been painful and we would prefer that my husband is not mentioned in the ceremony.

Please can you let me know if and how this can be facilitated. I appreciate your understanding and guidance in this matter. “

Nb it would be worth checking if other babies are being baptised on that day. I have been to Sunday ceremonies that were job lots. Others were it was very intimate, weekday.

Original poster
TheBrilloPad · 27/05/2019 01:08

Can't be done face to face - partly because I literally would have a panic attack at the thought of having to bring it up to someone, and don't even know how I would start, and also because it's next weekend, and it's half term this week so I have my kids with me 24/7 and it's not appropriate to bring them down to Church and talk about it in front of them. Definitely needs to be email (he does access emails), which isn't ideal, so I wanted help making it at least painful as possible!

To the PP who suggested a template wording - some of it is great, but I should have said, ExH and his family WILL all be at the Christening.

OP posts:
UrsulaPandress · 27/05/2019 01:14

Invite him round.

Original poster
TheBrilloPad · 27/05/2019 01:24

@UrsulaPandress Again, not possible because my kids would be around, and also I don't live in the area anymore, so the priest wouldn't want to come out to me. I used to live in that Parish and moved, it's still ExH's "family" church and I go back there every week for mass, but after baby is Christened I will start attending my new Parish.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/05/2019 01:41

I have found that on a one to one basis Priests are usually straight talking - esp as they have to deal with non religious relatives of a parish member at funerals for eg... so although he's old, he's seen it all before. So I think saying it to him straight, and matter of factly, is def the best way to go. I actually think the sentane in your post sums it up very clearly and without confusing frills. You are the mother of the child he is baptising and I am sure he will want to treat you with respect.
I'd say face to face, but it is difficult with the kids around and also, in a way, a well worded email would get your points accross without you faltering. I suspect he will be much more supportive than you think. He should be - its 2019! After all, he's not going to want to embarrass you at a Christening if you make him aware of the circumstances. Wishing you all the best and I hope the day goes well.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/05/2019 01:41

*sentance

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/05/2019 01:42

*sentence, sorry typing without glasses.

TSSDNCOP · 27/05/2019 01:48

If his family are all regulars too, won't they notice some rearrangement of the baptism text? Might it be prudent to delay the baptism or have a very small affair if you don't like to have a DC unbaptised?

Otherwise I think you have to speak to the priest, could your email sketch the scenario another pp drafted, continue to say there will be family present from DH's side and could you have a phone chat to talk about options?

Waytooearly · 27/05/2019 06:28

I just don't understand how you can feel comfortable having someone baptise your child but you don't feel comfortable telling them basic facts about your family situation.

Maybe this is a sign that this isn't the right church for you? The baby can always be Christened later while you work all this out. X

Waytooearly · 27/05/2019 06:32

Wait, I just read your update that you're planning on having the baby Christened there, and then move to a new parish?

Why on earth? Just wait and do the Christening at your new parish.

Am I right to infer that there is family pressure to do Christening at 'old' Church? If so, fuck them.

Original poster
TheBrilloPad · 27/05/2019 14:12

Can't do it at the new Parish, new Parish priest is very strict and will only baptise a child after 6 months of weekly attendance. I don't want to wait 6 months to baptise her. Plus, my Nana is 97. She'll come to the "old" Parish because it's close to her, she wouldn't be able to travel to the new one. And I really want her there.

Suffice to say everyone seems to mostly agree that emailing is horrifically awkward and there isn't an easy way of doing it. I'm thinking of just not saying anything, and letting the priest believe we are still married and he can chat away about love and marriage. It's an hour of awkwardness, then it's over.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 27/05/2019 14:17

Can you ring him?
I thought catholics didn't believe in divorce? (I'm an atheist o what do I know!)

newtlover · 27/05/2019 14:20

could you email him and explain you want a chat but because of the children can't see him in person, can you phone him one evening when they are in bed?

Original poster
TheBrilloPad · 27/05/2019 14:25

I know I sound pathetic - I KNOW - but I can't explain how much I hate phone conversations. I literally just clam up and feel so nervous. I can usually speak fine in person, mostly, and totally fine to anyone in text/email, but I hate phone conversations with a vehemence. If the consensus is "don't email", and isn't a non offensive way of wording an email, then I'd prefer to say nothing at all and let the mass go ahead as it is than have a phone conversation about it.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 27/05/2019 14:27

Right well everyone saying don't email was sugg a face to face chat instead. If you really can't speak to him then you'll have to email. You can't let it go ahead without the priest knowing your separation it could be very very awkward

newtlover · 27/05/2019 14:32

or you could......extreme suggestion I know.....write to him

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