Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

How to respond to sniping MIL?

45 replies

Diorissimo1985 · 26/05/2019 07:05

MIL is visiting at the moment - we live in different countries so we see her maybe 4-5 times a year face to face.

She's always been quite mean to me over the years about my job. She is very traditional and thinks women should be sahm. She seems incredulous that I have had (what I consider) a professional career after graduating 10 years ago. I work in Marketing and she is quite snooty about it, and says she she thinks it's not difficult. Yesterday she seemed very surprised that I manage people and was asking what my job title was, and said "gosh I can't believe you are in a senior job, I bet you didn't expect that!"

Now we have DC she makes it clear that she disapproves of me going back to work part time and she has said things like "poor you, having to work" and "do you not feel terribly guilty leaving DC with strangers?"

She tells stories about her friends children or other family members who've had tearaway teens or tricky periods and says things like "I think it's because the mother works and isn't there for her children" or "he/she would be a more normal child if the mother didn't work".

I usually bite my tongue, smile and ignore but it makes me feel sad. Perhaps it's playing on my feeling sorry of guilt - of course I feel a touch guilty about putting DC in childcare but I have to work out of financial necessity. I also find it rewarding and makes me feel useful.

DH says just to ignore the comments but I find them quite waring, and I suppose they play on my self confidence. What's the best way to deal with it? Anyone have any good responses?

OP posts:
Diorissimo1985 · 26/05/2019 07:07

*feelings of guilt

OP posts:
Teaandcrisps · 26/05/2019 07:12

Depends how long and how often she is staying for.
I would get your OH to step in next time she snipes with the kind of 'ok mum you've made your point let's leave it there.' And then if she carries on shut the conversation down - but you need your OH to be present in this and make ths boundary clear - will he do this?

clucky3 · 26/05/2019 07:16

I agree, you need to get your OH to shut her down. She sounds awful.

Diorissimo1985 · 26/05/2019 07:17

She usually stays about five days, sometimes a week.

DH seems to think it's just something to be ignored and that I should just feel secure in my own decisions (he's quite self-assured so doesn't really get it that it bothers me so much).
He is supportive of me/my work in conversations but it doesn't seem to deter her, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 26/05/2019 07:19

Well then nothing you'll say will deter her either tbh.

I'd ignore, considering her opportunity to do it is limited.

Teaandcrisps · 26/05/2019 07:23

Translates to - hubby doesn't want to get involved. It's your call- you either insist on his intervention or drop it. Depends how much it bothers you.

And fuck that about you being secure - don't take in any of that crap.
Remember your home, your rules.
Make it clear to OH if she doesn't or can't treat you respectfully in your own home then she can't come back.
Make this work for you - its not your problem it's your OH's!

magicBrenda · 26/05/2019 07:26

Honestly I’d just snap and fire back warning shots to get her to quit it.

‘Oh dear not this again’

‘I work because I want to teach my kids my kids to be independent and not leech of their husbands’

‘I’m actually very good at my job - at least people respect me there’

‘You should be great full I earn money - your eating the food I bought’

‘It’s really backwards to think women should be chained to the sink’

‘Maybe if your dh supported you when you were younger - you could have had a life too’

‘Oh here we go - time to pick on Dior’ again ...’

My mil used to start when I was eating - ‘Goodness your going to eat all that by yourself’ ‘it would take me weeks to eat that’ ‘thought you were trying to lose weight’ . I was a size 12 and normal plate sizes.

The last time she mentioned it and DH laughed I snapped back with -

‘Actually I’m the only one in the room that doesn’t have some kind of eating disorder - DH is obese and what you eat in a day would fit in a kinder egg. ( she never ate only drank and if very underweight)

Went down like a lead balloon but she never mentioned it again Grin

Esspee · 26/05/2019 07:27

The mumsnet "Do you mean to be so rude" response seems appropriate here. Try it.

magicBrenda · 26/05/2019 07:28

DH seems to think it's just something to be ignored and that I should just feel secure in my own decisions (he's quite self-assured so doesn't really get it that it bothers me so much)

Because he is completely oblivious that anyone would find his mother comments hurtful - years of conditioning

StinkyWizleteets · 26/05/2019 07:31

I have a spiteful mil. My next go to phrase after many years of sniping & put downs is going to be “oh do fuck off”

Diorissimo1985 · 26/05/2019 07:31

Yes it doesn't bother me a lot, sadly Blush
Will speak to DH again. We are going to stay with her in a couple of months and I'm dreading it - last time we went with her to her church and she introduced me and DC to the minister and said "my DIL who works - poor thing!" ... as if the minister cares? Confused I find it embarrassing

OP posts:
Teenytinyvoice · 26/05/2019 07:32

I would point out to DH that it is very bad for your children to hear this. For other issues I might suggest sucking it up, but give him fair warning you won’t take it any more so he either has a word or you start using the snap backs up thread.

The one that works for me was “yes, it’s a shame I’m a higher earner than DH, or I could work less and support him more”. It was never mentioned again Hmm

Diorissimo1985 · 26/05/2019 07:33

magicBrenda these are excellent and so tempting!

OP posts:
Snipples · 26/05/2019 07:33

I could have written this. My MIL is exactly the same re me going back to work and not going part time. Constant jibes about it to me but never a word said to DH even though he works super long hours and is constantly taking calls/ working even when we're on leave. My work is constantly downplayed even though DH and I are in the same role (albeit his is more senior).

Anyway I let it slide for long enough and now I bite back. The latest comment was about how DH is busy because he is "putting meat on the table" and I just said yes well I put meat on the table as well without the need to be glued to my phone all the time - they piped down a bit.

Bottom line, she won't change (my MIL or yours) but you don't have to be spoken down to constantly. It's not rude to assert yourself.

leckford · 26/05/2019 07:34

I would not go to stay with her, or go to her church. Just book a nice ordinary holiday well away from her.

FreshAprilStart · 26/05/2019 07:38

What a prize cow.

Don't let her walk over you. Tell her it is disrespectful and give her a warning not to do it again. You need to be assertive here.

If she behaves like a toddler then treat her like one.

Iwantacookie · 26/05/2019 07:41

Ide turn round and say. Yes poor dc being left with strangers so they can eat/light/holidays etc. Then Ide roll my eyes and walk away.
Your dh needs to back you up too.

BenWillbondsPants · 26/05/2019 07:41

My MIL said this to me when I went back to work. I had been a SAHM for four years and felt it was the right time to go back. She was horrified. 'The poor children' etc.

She said it one too many times and I said 'That's funny, I've never heard you ask DH why he goes to work and doesn't stay at home with the DCs'. Lots of blustering from her and she was very upset at me suggesting that it sounded like she didn't think he'd be very good at it.

Sausagerollers · 26/05/2019 07:49

You could try
"MIL, everytime you mention me having to work you really upset DH, because of course if only he was capable of earning more then I wouldn't have to work. Do you enjoy embarrassing your son?"

Leave her to chew on that. Whilst she should obviously be supporting your right to work, it doesn't sound like she's the type to ever do something, so push the "shame" onto her son every time so she (& he) are forced to deal with it.

MIL to you: " such a shame you're not a SAHM"

YOU: "Dh, your mum just insulted the fact you dont earn more again"

Diorissimo1985 · 26/05/2019 07:51

Just went to kitchen and was obviously cool with her as I'm cross at her comments last night (not mature of me, I know) and she took herself back to bed with a cup of tea. Was quite up for some awkward conversation! Will have to be later I suppose

OP posts:
Diorissimo1985 · 26/05/2019 07:52

sausagerollers that's a very valid point

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 26/05/2019 07:57

What @Espee said. Also ‘I work because I want to teach my kids my kids to be independent and not leech of their husbands , well What a nice way for you to have a lovely dig at sahp Grin

YouJustDoYou · 26/05/2019 08:00

My MIL loves digs too OP. Usually she waits until dh is out of the room, so no witnesses. I've taken to just ignoring the sneaky bitch, She also likes to have adig at my sil about her working, we've just had to either ignore her comments or we laugh when she says things (because to be honest it's either laugh or punch her).

GemmeFatale · 26/05/2019 08:00

Yes. Make her comment about you DH and his lack of earning potential. You can actually make that about her.

‘Yes, I know you feel guilty that you didn’t do a better job of raising DH to provide fully for his family. Lucky for us all I’ve got such a good job and can earn enough to ensure DC and I don’t have to do without.’

Justmuddlingalong · 26/05/2019 08:07

As your husband seems to be leaving you to deal with it, a short, sharp "enough" every time she does it. If you don't react she'll ramp it up. Make her aware that you're hearing her and that you're sick of it.