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How to respond to sniping MIL?

45 replies

Diorissimo1985 · 26/05/2019 07:05

MIL is visiting at the moment - we live in different countries so we see her maybe 4-5 times a year face to face.

She's always been quite mean to me over the years about my job. She is very traditional and thinks women should be sahm. She seems incredulous that I have had (what I consider) a professional career after graduating 10 years ago. I work in Marketing and she is quite snooty about it, and says she she thinks it's not difficult. Yesterday she seemed very surprised that I manage people and was asking what my job title was, and said "gosh I can't believe you are in a senior job, I bet you didn't expect that!"

Now we have DC she makes it clear that she disapproves of me going back to work part time and she has said things like "poor you, having to work" and "do you not feel terribly guilty leaving DC with strangers?"

She tells stories about her friends children or other family members who've had tearaway teens or tricky periods and says things like "I think it's because the mother works and isn't there for her children" or "he/she would be a more normal child if the mother didn't work".

I usually bite my tongue, smile and ignore but it makes me feel sad. Perhaps it's playing on my feeling sorry of guilt - of course I feel a touch guilty about putting DC in childcare but I have to work out of financial necessity. I also find it rewarding and makes me feel useful.

DH says just to ignore the comments but I find them quite waring, and I suppose they play on my self confidence. What's the best way to deal with it? Anyone have any good responses?

OP posts:
florentina1 · 26/05/2019 08:22

As you manage staff, I would talk to her in the same detached way as if a member of the team was under performing.

Acknowledge the problem, say why it is a problem, agree a way forward.

Get her on her own and say,
“I know you do not approve of my working and you feel it damages the children. That is fine, you are entitled to hold that opinion.
I am sure you are aware that I am not intending to give up work, but I am not sure if you are aware of how often you repeat your disapproval. You repeat it to me, the children, DH and outsiders, whom quite frankly have no right to know my business.”

Then stop speaking. Allow her to have her say. Then when she is finished you can say, ‘I am aware of all of that but, your negative behaviour really spoils your visits for me DH and the children? I am not going to defend my life choices to you and I hope you will respect that and stop repeating the same opinion”

Don’t smile don’t be hostile, just think of her as an irritating employee.

Chilledout11 · 26/05/2019 08:28

I wouldn't go in a couple of months when you are due to visit. I would make my excuses. Leave her stew. Let dh engage with her on the phone etc.

Teaandcrisps · 26/05/2019 08:28

And if you're dreading the stay with her in a couple of months - dont go. I honestly dont get the preoccupation with in laws. If you dont like them or they cant behave - dont engage. It really can be as simple as that. Your OH has made a choice not to deal with this, so your choice (and you DO have choice) is to not put up with it until it is resolved.

Tell your OH that in view of your MILs behaviour and his lack of intervention you are taking a step back and will no longer be visiting. Grin

PirateWeasel · 26/05/2019 08:50

What @GemmeFatale said. With knobs on.

magicBrenda · 26/05/2019 08:53

I wouldn’t be going to her house. Maybe your really busy with ‘work stuff’

Overmaars · 26/05/2019 09:02

Tell her she doesn't understand the difference between anecdotal evidence and scientific study. Peer reviewed studies, eg, Harvard a university show the opposite.

But you're glad to see you're interested in the children's welfare, mother in law.

And repeat ad nauseum. (I spent a lot of time as a SAHM so have no horse in this race, btw, just can't stand women bitching about other women's choices).

I also think she's a bit jealous and possibly unfulfilled. If she was really happy about her own choices she wouldn't be so exercised about yours.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 26/05/2019 09:04

She's probably just trying to justify hey own choice to be a SAHM , she sees you parenting and in a senior job, she probably feels inferior. Next time she says it, I'd say 'oh I know maintaining a successful career and parenting can just be too much for some people, I just don't seem to find it that challenging'.

Oldraver · 26/05/2019 09:23

Tell the witch that you are thinking about not working.... but that would mean no more visits abroad to here

NancyDroop · 26/05/2019 09:30

I have a tricky MIL who is always critical of my choices/everything.

I love many of the comebacks above but would never deployed any as replying negatively to her would set her into a "how very dare you speak to me like that" narc spiral and I didn't feel prepared to fight that fight.

Instead I would be fake cheerful which was harder for her to combat. If she staeted on about work (which she did) I would profess "But I LOVE work!" "Work is GREAT!" "Work is all kids of fun!!!". It means you own the situation without attacking or undermining anyone.

It also starts building a general confidence that makes it easier and easier to handle these comments in general because of course they do touch our own parental guilt.

powershowerforanhour · 26/05/2019 09:41

Fake cheerful is quite fun to do because they don't know how to fight it. Any time DC are exhibiting positive behaviour eg sharing, concern for others, improved vocabulary, manual dexterity etc you can say " Oh yes childcare has been so good for the DC, they do so much with them nowadays and the nursery workers are so brilliant with them and experts on child development". You can wax lyrical for ages with an earnest happy smile about how it has been so good for their confidence mixing with other children and coping with new situations, basically attribute everything to the wonders of childcare (even if it was something that you developed at home or DH could have done as a SAHP). She'll hate it :-)

aweedropofsancerre · 26/05/2019 09:51

Another post where the MIL behaviour isn’t challenged by the son. Typical avoidance and lack of support to his wife. Telling you to ignore it won’t stop the sniping it is giving her a green light to continue. Big girl pants time and tell her to cut it out. Be interested to see how your DH deals with that.....

liviadrusilla · 26/05/2019 10:43

Lots of sensible and reasoned replies, which are much more useful than this, but wouldn't it be amazing to just tell her to fuck off? She must know she's being rude and hurtful.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 26/05/2019 10:50

Your DH is a bit of an arsehole for not getting involved; rudeness by anyone in our home would be dealt with by whoever heard it, not just by the person it was addressed to. I'd be cross with him over that, and I'd also be reluctant to use the "he's secure so it doesn't bother him" line because it's not about self-confidence but about unacceptable behaviour.

Your MIL can get lost with her digs. Challenge them; she's not nice to you so why be nice back? Respond with "oh shush now, you're coming off stupid" every single time she makes a comment. I did it once to MIL and she went absolutely batshit at DH about my rudeness, but shut her mouth from that point on about my life choices.

Delatron · 26/05/2019 10:53

My MIL did this when I went back to work full time and put my ‘poor children’ in nursery. She went on and on about it so I refused to see her. In the end DH’s father had to intervene and be a peacemaker but I’ve never forgiven her.

Preferably your DH needs to speak to her and you need to make it clear to him that you won’t be spoken to like that and if she carries on you’ll refuse to see her.

Spudina · 26/05/2019 11:09

It's disappointing that your DH won't support you on this issue. I just wouldn't be spoken to like this in my own home. And I wouldn't go away to put up with this crap either. Please tell your DH that he either backs you up or you won't have her in the house anymore. Once she realises that she could lose access to your children she should hopefully self moderate. But seriously, I would have told her to shut the fuck up by now. You have the patience of a saint. Good luck. Also, never feel guilty about providing for your children.

Sparklyshoes16 · 26/05/2019 11:14

I recently went to a friends meal (who is sat with me now and asked me to post this) very similar situation where her MIL kept referring to the children as "poor little lambs" because they were in nursery and she had returned to work.

The children are absolutely fine and loving nursery by the way...MIL kept making these bizarre snipes and asking everyone around the table for our opinion all of us said it was the right decision for their family and their business whether we had children or not...my friend came in with her DH and said "will you just stop it, it's nasty, uncalled for and this behaviour is not welcome in this house" MIL was silent only saying the odd words such as pass me the potatoes until she left...FIL and her DH had been saying to give it a rest but she just would not listen. My friend has said the children can happily see her MIL and FIL but things are strained at the mo between them, my friend has let it go she shut it down and has got on with it...MIL not so much gives her the silent treatment when she's around their house. Please stand up for your self OP and tell her to stop preferably with your DH to show a united front.

BlueGlassesFrames · 26/05/2019 11:43

Ask if her mother was a sahm, because it doesn't seem to have improved her or her manners at all.

Bluetrews25 · 26/05/2019 12:39

Suggest she gets checked out for alzheimers as she keeps telling you the same thing from 1950 over and over again.
She seems to have forgotten that this is 2019 when mortgages (and rental properties) are proportionally massively harder to get and pay for than 40 years ago, meaning that if the DCs are to have a roof over their heads both adults need to be in employment. Especially when guests expect to be able to come and stay for a week several times a year, and sleep in a proper bed in a spare room and have food to eat.
Child care in this century is superb. They are not sent up chimneys any more. And women with brains are allowed to use them these days and not be chained to the twin tub and mangle.

Sorry if I've come across a bit ANGRY. MILS like this are infuriating.

powershowerforanhour · 26/05/2019 13:23

Ask if her mother was a sahm, because it doesn't seem to have improved her or her manners at all.
Grin

FiremanKing · 26/05/2019 13:34

The problem is not her opinion (my feelings are not as strong as hers but very similar), but the need for her to continually force it on you.

Can you have a one off conversation with her along the lines of

‘You’re entitled to your opinion but it’s rude and pointless to keep on about my working and my job.

I’m happy, my husband is happy and our children are happy. That’s all that matters. Wouldn’t you have found it upsetting/annoying if your mother in law kept on making unwanted comments regarding your personal life?

We all look forward to seeing you but your remarks are spoiling our time with you and either you keep your thoughts to yourself or we will have to see less of you or not all all.’

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