DD hates my BF will I have to choose?

[jackolantern74]

Been with BF for 2 years, he lives few miles away so we see each at weekends as I have DD& DS both mid teens. BF has x2 DS’s late teens both of us have houses and plan is once kids are over 18 sell houses and buy one together. Up until now all got on ok nothing major normal spats between us as blended families do.
Last month BF and DD has a row over something I thought was minor but both of them are seething about it and refusing to talk to each other. DD has since pulled a sickie one weekend and then complete melt down this weekend over something I thought was over a friendship with her bff- so I haven’t seen BF and she being this completely manliputive diva once I have found out both these instances were to stop me seeing BF.
She has just announced that she will never speak again or want to see him. Her Dad rarely has her apart from school holiday due to distance he lives so not practical for weekends & I have no family nearby who can look after her. BF has today tried to apologise to DD as can see how upset I am but she obvs refusing to listen to him. She is one stubborn girl and I have dread that I’m going to have to chose one or other of them. Any advice on handling this?!

I would be concerned that there was some other reason your child had taken such a violent dislike to him.

Why do you need to choose? You need to first find out more about this argument and then think more on it.

Some important questions are
Why is an adult still seething? Being pissed off if your dd was unpleasant is fine in the moment but by now he should be over it. You need to ask him why he's being this way. If he's a stroppy bugger, who wants that anyway?

What is your teens side and why is she still seething? Because he disagreed with her opinion? Time for her to learn opinions are opinions, not facts. Or he was rude to her, pushed buttons to wind her up or said something nasty. Not a bf most people would want.

He should not still be seething, it's pathetic. However, i was an opinionated teen and to my shame i could be quite tunnel minded and nasty with it. We had a (now obviously) prolife teacher and for a couple of years i considered myself prolife too. I used all the emotive, guilting shit that my teacher taught us when arguing with my prochoice family. Thankfully i grew my own opinions at 16 but was pretty unpleasant with views contrary to mine until then. In that situation, any adult would have had the right to be majorly fucked off and frustrated at me.

You are very brave putting this on MN.

My DD aged 9 said that she couldn't see why I couldn't remain single until she left home. I explained that after 6 years single I was going to date, and that it wasn't her choice.

She and my now DH go head to head daily. She is 14. She could argue with her shadow. DH and I go to see a psychologist which helps massively. He has given us a lot of tools to help. We have 4 kids, mine live with us 100% and his 50/50. It's often hard work.

Honestly the compromise you are making of waiting until they leave home is already enough. She presumably dated too. How would she feel if the restrictions she wants to place on you the adult, were placed on her the child?

Men in their 40s who behave like teenagers, get into arguments with 15 year olds about abstract subjects and seeth and refuse to speak to the child they have "fallen out" with deserve less understanding!

He apologised. It's the teenager who's keeping it going.

Without a doubt, the right thing to do is choose your child

No it's not. The right thing to do is to show her that she can't throw a huge strop and dictate peoples lives just because she disagrees with them. She doesn't have to accept the apology but she needs to understand that being stubborn doesn't get you your own way. Newsflash...parents fall out with teenagers too, they don't have to chose between the other parent or child.

Unbelievable! You are considering choosing between your teenage DD and your boyfriend. Poor girl.

Why did he get into an argument with a 15 year old?

He is the adult, he should act like one.

You can't win with teens so he should have just left it. He sounds like a knob.

The thing is your dd will be an adult in less than 3 years time. Presumably she'll be off doing her own thing, maybe moving out to uni, working, she might get her own boyfriend and move in with him in a few years time...then the op will be by herself having given up her relationship for her child. If the ops boyfriend isn't an abusive arse, then her dd cannot stamp her feet and control her mother's life and happiness.

Hi OP you might get more support on the 'hanging onto the rope' thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3584550-Holding-on-to-the-end-of-the-rope-life-in-the-bunker-with-the-Po-Ts-where-parenting-a-teen-is-having-an-adverse-effect-on-our-mental-health

OP is only asking if she has to chose, what she really needs is advice on how to handle a young lass who's upset that she wasn't agreed with and may have other things going on in her life too.

Does he come to your house? She can't stop you seeing him although she can be unbelievably stubborn and probably very horrid while he's there. It will probably be a few weeks to go before you know if you will have to make the choice between them (and if it comes to it there is no choice), but providing there is no other incidents or back story here, it is worth trying to carry on and see if it will blow over.

This isn't about animal testing.

This is about a teenager who is struggling to come to terms with her mum moving on to a new stage with a new partner. Feeling that, if I've understood correctly, at 18 she'll be out the door and the house sold, and she won't have her home to go back to if she needs to. If there is a room for her it'll be in a strange building where she'll have to share her mum full time with a man she's not keen on in a different location away from her friends and her life, with step siblings she doesn't know. It's no great leap of imagination to think she might be feeling like she's an afterthought.

It's about a man who had a row with his partner's 15 year old girl in her home. That's not his finest moment. Said man is still sulking - he's showing you very clearly he doesn't deal with even minor disagreements any better than a teenager. Bare that in mind when planning a future with him.

It's about who gets and is missing your time and attention.

It's about feeling left out and powerless.

Your daughter is a teenager, somebody who is struggling with her body doing weird shit with hormones and growth and development. On top of that she has to contend with her feelings about mum dating again and getting serious with somebody new. Please bare that in mind while you navigate all of this.

@GeorgiaGirl52 I can't think of anything crueller to a teenage girl who misses time with her mum than to weaponise mother-daughter time.

well put XXVAGINA

OP are you really needing to choose? choosing some bloke over your own daughter would be pretty low! ....yet women do this choose a man over their own children. And then years later have nc/ lc with these kids and wonder why?

stop thinking with your fanny

my mother did this. 2 out of 3 of her children , plus 99% of her own blood family have zero to do with her, because she chose an awful man.

think on that.

I suspect she is struggling in other ways and this is just a manifestation. I would see if she can get a counsellor appointment at school (most have them, my kids schools both have) but also you need to sit her down and explain that you are entitled to have relationships and that it's possible for people not to agree on everything and still love each other. Stress that she will always be important to you but in 3 years or so she will be moving to university and will feel quite different. Stress that she will always be welcome to come back to live with you (this might be a concern too). Kids get jealous, they get confused and they get worried.

stop thinking with your fanny

Vagina approves of this post.

Stress that she will always be important to you but in 3 years or so she will be moving to university and will feel quite different.

No no no! Stress how very much you love her first and above everything else. How your children are the love of your life unconditionally. Her and how she feels about who she shares a home with IS important to you. You love this man very much and you acknowledge that she night be feeling weird or uncomfortable with these changes. That she will want to spread her wings but It's important to you that she knows she will ALWAYS have a home to return to with you, wherever the physical building is, whoever else is there. That you love this man and want to spend time with him as well as with her, and that sometimes we all have to make compromises BUT that you care very much about your no 1 priority (her) and if she has any concerns or difficulties with him she it's always welcome to talk to you about it. Preferably put with a big hug and cups of tea. And you go on to live on a way that proves every day that you love your children (I think you have more than her?) and that while you're going to date and do things that fulfill you, THEY are always your no 1 priority, THEY get your love and time first and foremost.

People fall out sometimes, parents and teenagers fall out often, you don’t need to choose they’ll sort it out in time. Your DD will come to realise you can disagree with someone, have a row, put it behind you and move on. It’s part of life.

What exactly was said in the argument?

Tbh I wouldn't have any truck with an adult who 'seethed' for a month with a teenager over a squabble before trying to fix it.

Calling your DD a 'manipulative diva' - is that your words or his?