Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DD hates my BF will I have to choose?

65 replies

jackolantern74 · 25/05/2019 21:15

Been with BF for 2 years, he lives few miles away so we see each at weekends as I have DD& DS both mid teens. BF has x2 DS’s late teens both of us have houses and plan is once kids are over 18 sell houses and buy one together. Up until now all got on ok nothing major normal spats between us as blended families do.
Last month BF and DD has a row over something I thought was minor but both of them are seething about it and refusing to talk to each other. DD has since pulled a sickie one weekend and then complete melt down this weekend over something I thought was over a friendship with her bff- so I haven’t seen BF and she being this completely manliputive diva once I have found out both these instances were to stop me seeing BF.
She has just announced that she will never speak again or want to see him. Her Dad rarely has her apart from school holiday due to distance he lives so not practical for weekends & I have no family nearby who can look after her. BF has today tried to apologise to DD as can see how upset I am but she obvs refusing to listen to him. She is one stubborn girl and I have dread that I’m going to have to chose one or other of them. Any advice on handling this?!

OP posts:

somecakefather · 25/05/2019 21:45

Don't ditch your boyfriend over this. He has apologised to her. If she doesn't want to accept it then fair enough but this could be a good lesson for her in that just because she chooses to be stubborn, she doesn't get to have her own way.

Mac47 · 25/05/2019 21:46

Your right to have a bf should be very low down on the list after your child's happiness. Your op implies you would side with him over her - you are so blindly in love that you would pick a man over your own child? No wonder she is not a happy girl.

Troels · 25/05/2019 21:47

Sounds like me and my sister at this age. Don't pick him over your kids.
My mother finally met and married a man once we had both moved out as young adults, not the greatest match but they were happy and we got on with him OK.
She was always one to drop us and our plans at the drop of a hat, if a man was in her life as teens. Not great for our ego's or our confidence in life and with men ourselves. We always felt like we were the back up plan and second best for the weekend.
She never took our side in any disagreements, even though we knew she agreed with us, she would stand by her man. It sucks to be your kids right now.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 25/05/2019 21:48

I don’t know how many of the posters have teens, but these sorts of arguments tend to crop up quite often, and yes, teens are often passionate and incapable of seeing nuances.
If he’s a good guy, he’ll know that and you can regard it as another step along the chaotic path that is raising children. Work on negotiating a neutral, calm, mature path through all the raging differences that will crop up.
If your partner is immature and needs to be the winner, then that is an end to the relationship. Things will just get more intense and distressing. She’s 15, possibly a PITA but she still should come before him in any choices.

somecakefather · 25/05/2019 21:48

I can't believe you don't know who you would choose

It's one silly disagreement. He hasn't been 'bad' to the DD. He has apologised to her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/05/2019 21:51

I think you’re also being very black and white in your thinking. Rather like a teen so you’re all being drawn in. This situation will quickly descend into a karpman triangle. Your dp seething for days is pathetic.

Teens go through a big rewiring process and perhaps this is happening to your dd right now. I definitely wouldn’t let my 15 yo hold me to ransom in this way. But at the same time she needs to know she and her brother are your first priority. Find a way to ensure she is not always around for the whole weekend. Perhaps she’d like to do sleepovers at a friends house for example.

You may find given time this will blow over. However your dp does need to grow up and bite his tongue.

Justmuddlingalong · 25/05/2019 21:52

Can we have an explanation of the argument. In more detail than "animal testing". I think it's relevant.

BishopofBathandWells · 25/05/2019 21:52

@TreadingThePrimrosePath has it, I think.

Listlover · 25/05/2019 21:54

It should be an easy decision

GeorgiaGirl52 · 25/05/2019 21:55

If you are 100% certain this is a one-time argument with no back story and she is being stroppy, maybe give her a taste of what life would be like without him. Send your son off for the weekend and stay home with her. And STAY with her. Be her bff. She doesn't get to go out with friends. You don't have your friend so she has to be your friend. Sit in her room talking so she isn't on social media. Pick a takeaway you want and a movie you want to see and insist she eat and watch with you. We have a saying "If Momma ain't happy, nobody is happy!" She thinks she will be happier with him gone --- change her mind.

DonPablo · 25/05/2019 21:59

Either the argument has uncovered a diametrically opposed ethical stance between the two of them and is something that no matter how many years down the line, will be a thing they can't get over or it's a petty argument that went too far.

If it's the former think carefully because it's hard work being between two people who are so different yet equally stubborn or convinced theyre right or this will blow over and you need to stop being so fatalistic.

More detail needed.

whiteroseredrose · 25/05/2019 22:01

He needs to remember how passionate teenagers can be about things!

Can you go and see him during the day? Your DC can stay at home for a few hours. You see your BF and your DD doesn't have to. Win win.

Lovemusic33 · 25/05/2019 22:03

I have an argumentative 15 year old dd, she has very strong views on things like animal testing, eating meat and politics, she often falls out with people. At 13 she had an argument with my dp (now ex), she might not have necessarily been in the right but he made the situation ten times worse by winding her up, he got quite nasty with her and she didn’t back down. I dumped him the next morning, no one does that to my child and no man is worth more than my kids.

If you are sure your dd is the one to blame for the argument then I can see why your upset, I think you need to sit down and chat with her about how to move forward, wether she can forgive and forget. Tell her it’s great that she can get her opinion across and debate about things but she also needs to understand that not everyone will share her opinions (maybe have the same chat to dp too).

anothernotherone · 25/05/2019 22:08

Bloody hell that's wierd advice GeorgiaGirl52 Do you really control your loved ones by behaving like like an overgrown toddler dictator who somebody put in control of the purse strings?

ADropofReality · 25/05/2019 22:11

Those who are saying "Well of course you must choose your DD over your BF" are being incredibly unhelpful, because this isn't a position where the OP simply must choose one or the other. DD and BF have had an argument, one or both are in a bit of a strop about it, but probably it will blow over in a few days, rather than OP being in a position where she's forced to make a choice and end a relationship.

Mac47 · 25/05/2019 22:11

Why would a teenager give a fuck that her mother's boyfriend wasn't around for the day??

BrendasUmbrella · 25/05/2019 22:15

The alarming thing is that you say he, the adult, is still "seething" and refusing to speak to her. Shouldn't he be beyond that kind of behaviour at his age? If he doesn't have any understanding for how teenagers can be, I'd shelve any talk of buying a house together.

Persimmonn · 25/05/2019 22:19

GeorgiaGirl52 😂😂😂. That’s the shittest advice I’ve ever read. So if “Momma” ain’t happy, she gets to shit on everyone until they change themselves to make her happy? Talk about manipulative 😱

Ithinkthis · 25/05/2019 22:19

tbh my twin, is 22 who has a lot of mental health issues and is being evaluated for autism aswell as being through a lot as our parents separation was rather traumatic says sometimes she hates our step dad and my mum would do anything for her but day to day they have a good relationship and my mum knows she just struggles still with the divorce. he can get exasperated by her ways it isn’t as understanding of her problems but he has good intentions. He is the adult and doesn’t get into arguments with her, When your a teen your think you know everything hence the argument and can also not be so good a forgiving hence the still refusing to get on. don’t let a teenage phase disrupt your entire life. She’s obviously got a lot going on emotionally although it’s not a deep argument it can show signs of deeper anxiety. I’m not saying force them to make up or choose him over her but she the daughter and your her mum, tell her the BF is coming over anyway she will eventually she will realise it’s not good to fall out with people or just get tired of not talking to him over a petty disagreement if they had a good relationship before. I hope it all blows over for you

magicBrenda · 25/05/2019 22:26

It depends how heated the disagreement got.

Did he over step the mark? Was he aggressive to her, did he say derogatory things to her, was he mean? Did he shout? Did you try and intervene and he continued the argument?

If no to all these and it was a one off I’d actually continue with him. She may just be flexing her authority in the house.

Dd1 ignored DH for about two years. (15 at the time) Said he wasn’t boyfriend material, didn’t have a nice car, didn’t have enough money ect..

We’ve been married for 11 years now and she thinks more of him than her own dad and they are very close.

anothernotherone · 25/05/2019 22:32

The adult man, himself a father of older teens, is still "seething" over an argument about animal testing with a 15 year old.

Teenagers behave like teenagers because that's what they are. Men in their 40s who behave like teenagers, get into arguments with 15 year olds about abstract subjects and seeth and refuse to speak to the child they have "fallen out" with deserve less understanding!

Hiddenaspie1973 · 25/05/2019 22:59

Without a doubt, the right thing to do is choose your child.

FiremanKing · 25/05/2019 23:08

At 15 my daughter was perfectly capable of being ‘home alone’ occasionally over night. She could cook her own food, lock the house up before bed and know who to phone in any kind of emergency as could my son.

If you visit his every other weekend then why does she have to come with you? When he comes to yours she can choose to be polite or stay in her room which is probably what she would do even if she liked him!

The row is over an opinion of a topic that has no real bearing on your lives so I would tell the pair of them to get over it.

If the row was over a personal matter then it would be different.

BitterSweenSyn · 25/05/2019 23:42

You sound a bit desperate with the “it taken so long to meet someone...” and being unsure who you’d choose

Pinkvoid · 26/05/2019 05:34

Describing your own DD as a ‘manipulative stubborn diva’ isn’t very kind and it already sounds as though you have picked your side... Why was a grown man seething for so long over a petty argument with a teenager? I’d be worried about this tbh, he sounds churlish and immature.

Your child or a man you’ve been seeing for two years, who to pick? Hmm, decisions decisions... Fwiw I don’t think you’ll have to choose either, I’m sure they’ll figure it out.

Flip

1 2 3