MIL - beyond nasty

[flumpybear]

What is it with my bloody MIL?! I'm so cross, we used to be friendly with my PIL's and when we settled down and had children my MIL just became grumpy, nasty, very judgemental about us and my close friends, literally NOTHING we do is acceptable, if I have a real sort out of the house, we sort the garden, i plant a load of pots with annual flowers - literally everything is moaned at 'why plant pots they dry out and you'll never water them you always forget (rubbish!)' or if the garden is weed free and what we call acceptable then oh well the cats will ruin it, or weeds will grow back because you left the last weeds too long, or I don't know whSt you have cats, we used to drown them
On my grandparents farm when I was a
Child, god this carpet is 'filthy' (it was a few weeks old!! Yes the cat had found a warm
Spot so it was a little bit fluffy but it certainly wasn't filthy - she loves to bandy the words disgusting and filthy around - I was cleaning the windows once and she screeched 'god what's wrong with the windows (few smears I was dealing with - but they were spotless) - and proceeded to get to work recleanjng it for me (l let her - cow!) - I wouldn't mind so much Bw we have a team of cleaners x3 per month to literally blitz our home ffs
Anyway we've had the odd argument and it's never really got better, I've avoided and continue to do so but just be nice and civil in her presence, let the kids visit them and I go from time to time too, we get on with things

Anyway this weekend my little boy (just 7) told he she says horrible things to him and asked me why she's like this - so apparently she's told him 'why are you always dirty?' - he is a very boyish boy who plays outside a lot but he's not dirty, he has a bath or shower every other day sometimes every day if he's been extra active, also says in front of him 'this house (our home) is awful/filthy/ everything is broken ... he even said to her grandma you make me sad and she got grumpy and told him well it makes me sad too

I'm beside myself thst she's not winding her neck in and just being nice to my little kids - DD is Bit older and keeps telling me 'grandma
Is just a grump mum' but I'm seething 😤

My DH is going to start become more hands on with this but she's unfortunately one of those who whispers things to her husband or my children or mutters under her breath

Sorry, rant over I needed to get that out

Please tel me I'm not alone

WTF? No one who spoke to my kids like that would be allowed back into my house.

Well you don’t have to see her but if your children do, teach them to say, “If you haven’t got anything nice to say then don’t say it.” And repeat.

Perhaps tell your DH to get the old bat to shut up or you will?

Just go NC on her and give your kids the choice.

If she mutters under her breath call her out on it. Say "What was that you were saying MiL? I didn't quite catch that". Or maybe "Oh Dh, your mother was just saying something about DS. Now what was that MiL?"
If she whispers to her DH or to your children, you have to give your children the tools to say "Mummy/Daddy, Nana was just saying X, Y or Z to me, weren't you Nana? That's not very nice Nana."
Your DH has to say to her that if she hansn't anything nice to say, she shouldn't say anything at all.
That would be my advice.

Thanks @ChariotsofFish - sometimes I think I'm used to being battered by her tongue - I tend to spend less time with them and the kids do too, perhaps visiting every 2-3 months I think recently they've got new neighbours who have grandchildren the same sort of age and they're constantly there in the garden having fun, so they've seen that perhaps they don't see much of their own GC so have asked for more contact (they've always been really really hands off, told us when we were having kids that they'd never be grandparents who look after the GC which is fine and always been ok as we're high earners so paying for childcare hasn't been difficult)

How old is she? Older people often lose their brakes when it comes to expressing themselves. Politeness goes out of the window.

She's mid 70's

Lol to responses

I don't want to stoop to her rudeness, I'm polite and I'm one of those people who tries to please everyone albeit I'm better these days at sorting problems and being assertive, often at work, but I need to get over that barrier with MIL - FIL is very nice just a bit weak unfortunately

I think I'd have to ask her why she keeps saying nasty or negative things.

I don't mean shout at her but just try to have a conversation. Maybe she needs it pointing out.

If that falls on deaf ears then withdraw rapidly and cut seeing them but explain clearly why.

If she’s nasty to the dc then you need to protect them....I.e. they don’t visit.

Why would you continue to expose them to this nasty cow?

Is she OCD? That's a lot of obsession with filth and dirt.

Sounds like a royal pain in the tooth!

Why don't you do the same in her house 😂😂😂

@Samind - it's more appearance than OCD - like if the beds are stripped she'll remake the unclothed bed in case the window cleaners come and see an unmade bed or once there was a
Mouse in their very old massive pre Victorian home and she had an absolute fit that I might tell somebody they had a mouse (it got in through a hole that was later covered over )
She's bonkers not OCD 🙄

Can you buy some pet mice and go for a visit 😂😂😂

Oh she would have past the point of no return with me when she started on your son. Your people pleasing has got you to a position where she now thinks she can take jabs at your kids.

Your older dd is obviously completely conditioned already.

Ah well at least you try and keep the peace eh?

Is your MIL Hyacinth Bucket?

I'd play her at her own game

"These carpets are filthy" "yes we know, the cleaner was due yesterday but we told her to hold off until tomorrow to give you something obvious to complain about"

"These beds aren't made - someone might see" "that's because I'm clever. I knew you'd make them so why bother doing it myself"

I'd also tell your kids to call her out if it's bothering them.

Actually, with the whispering one, I'd be saying to MIL, 'I'm sure you remember being taught as a child MIL, that it is very rude to whisper in front of people. Would you mind not doing that? It sets such a bad example to the children. . .'

Oh I fucking hate people like this, who do nothing but moan, criticise and sulk. How do they get like that? I don’t have an answer OP, but I think your DH getting more involved with the situation is an excellent idea. Pretty much to the point of him addressing it any time she says something unpleasant to your DCs.

Just get the kids to call her grumpy grandma.

Lol @youarenotkiddingme

@AgentCooper I have no idea why she's so bitter and twisted - she's literally got a super cushy life, no financial worries, had a good career as did FIL, but defining has that 'what would people say' kind of attitude. BUT is SSSOOOOOO fucking rude - I just don't comprehend it

Lol @deste

Absolutely @mbosnz - I'll remember that!

You don’t have to be nasty. You can sit her down and describe your experience of her comments and ask her to stop. You can tell her that your children have noticed and her behaviour is creating an awkward situation. So, she can please stop or you will have to limit contact. First and only warning.

@flumpybear - I hear you.

My MIL is just like that "this house is like a pig sty"

I ignore her and laugh and I'm divorcing her precious son so she can clean all she wants

How is your HD? Does he ever pull her up for being rude?