Commute is making me unhappy - what now?

[sojo44]

We both work and commute to London. The husband works in the LFB and has great shifts (2 days, 2 nights and 4 days off), drives to work with a shorter commute so he doesn't really feel the same impact of it like I do.

I commute Monday - Friday, 1.5 hours each way (so 3 hours a day). The commute itself is fine (I get a seat and its nice scenery) but the time drain it is having on my life is really starting to impact me mentally. I'm always exhausted, never have time to make friends in the local area (as eve clubs or classes, all happen while I'm still commuting) and I can see this commuting situation is really getting me down.

With the nature of my job, I cannot find something locally as the roles aren't available. My options are sucking it up and doing the commute or moving to another big city like Manchester. However, my husband loves his life here and has a very "if it ain't broke, why fix it" mentality. While he understands what I'm explaining to him, I think because isn't in the same position, he's finding it impossible to relate and doesn't quite understand the impact of it all.

Any advice on solutions? What would you do?

How can your dh not be bothered by your 1.5 hour commute?

Can you compromise with location? Ie move so that your commute isn't so bad?

Not sure if you have children, but could you afford one night a week to air B and B a stay in the city and break the commute? I know this doesn't help with making friends etc, but might help with the mental strain of commuting

Could you try and negotiate one or two days a week working from home ? For your employer there would be benefits such as less disruption if you needed to focus, earlier start/later finish time, you would be less tired and more productive etc.

Could you work 4 days but the same number of hours?
What do you do during your commute? Can you read etc?

I was doing a 3.5 hour round commute for 3 months recently and it was tough! We moved closer and I found a new role that offered flexibility.

Dh does the commute 5 days (1hour one way) but he goes in different times if he has early morning calls so can do without the peak hour travelling a few times a week.

What are your hours OP? I did this commute for years (finishing at 5.30 so home about 7) and it had no effect on my social life really, although I've never been one for going on the razz on a school night.

I've commuted to London for years, most of my working life (only 3 days a week since my son was born though ). I find it tiring now I am getting older (54) and hope to take early retirement next year, and get another part time job where I live. A journey that long isn't really unusual. Loads of people do it.

Can’t you just move closer to London and keep your jobs? That would be a bit easier than upping sticks completely and moving to Manchester.

Actually I don’t think that’s much of a commute.... I think it’s probably standard for London. The main PITA can be changing trains / buses so if you’ve got one train and no changes it doesn’t sound that tough to be honest. I’ve done a 2 hour commute with about 3 changes and that really kicked my arse for a year. How open is your employer to flexible working? Could you compress your hours or work from home for any part of it? It can make a big difference to your week to have even one day off the commute.

Oh my gosh!!! I thought I had replied to all your lovely messages!!

I think DH isn't bothered by my long commute because he doesn't understand what it's like (as in he hears me, but doesn't experience it so doesn't get the time drain it takes).

I try to read during the commute or browse online reading. But it's hard to 'relax' cramped while someone is all over your leg space area haha!

My hours are 9am to 5.30pm officially, but I actually finish work around 6pm if I'm lucky, so home at 7.30-8ish, (9pm if there is a big deadline, so home at 11pm, then chores and finally bed at 1am).

Totally understand this can be classic for London depending on where you live and commute form, but the value I put on getting my time back is greater than 'accepting' the norm when it comes to the time drain. I know it will make me far happier and allow for a better work/life balance for me.

As a band-aid solution I'm trying to work as many Fridays as I can from home (thankfully work are quite relaxed in that sense, as long as it's not client meetings you're missing, deadlines are met and clients are happy they don't need you to be in the office every day just for 'face time').

We agreed with DH that we'll decide in 2 years on what the best solution is (whether it's moving closer to London somehow, or do we look elsewhere) and avoid making any knee-jerk snap decisions.

I have a similar commute time into Central London and I feel your pain.

To give everyone an idea:
Frequent delays on trains or trains being diverted for various reasons (derailments, snow, leaves on tracks etc).

Being squished on the tube with people squeezing themselves on to trains.

Not being able to get onto a tube because there are already too many people on the tube. Nor the next tube, nor the one after.

Mainline stations being closed due to congestion.

Missing your trains because the tourists in from of you have all the time in world. Not being able to go around them because another set of equally slow tourist are blocking the way.

I don't know what the answer is. For us, moving from London is highly unlikely as it's where we grew up and all of our support network is here is.

I'm thinking of looking for a job closer to home. My Dsis has a job out of London and drives but said the traffic is a nightmare, so I guess it's swings and roundabouts.

If you are working until 11pm on a relatively frequent basis, and have a 1.5h commute why on earth are you doing chores when you get in?! They can wait!

I’d hate a 1.5h commute each way. It’s shit. You’re basically having zero social life.

Choices are move closer to London. Try and arrange to WFH one day a week. Stay over in London one or two nights so at least you can see London friends. Move to eg Manchester like you say.

Obviously if your husband doesn’t want to make any changes, it makes it harder.

We agreed with DH that we'll decide in 2 years on what the best solution is (whether it's moving closer to London somehow, or do we look elsewhere) and avoid making any knee-jerk snap decisions.

You’ll reassess in 2 years?! Lol. He’s just totally blanked you there.

Also if you’re finding it tough now in the summer with light mornings and evenings, it’s going to be hell in winter.

Chores after a late work day? Ah no, those are his chores!

OP I feel your pain. I commuted for 4 years, the latter of which was a 2 hour trip each way involving a bus (with very restrictive times), two trains and a tube. This was at the height of the Thameslink/Southern Rail timetable shambles so every day was a shambles. It honestly nearly broke me.

Can you WFH more often? Or is it possible to change your hours to make an easier journey e.g. leave 10 minutes early, catch a faster train?

Can you use the time to do your life admin so that you dont have to use your evenings and weekends?

I have a commute of around an hour each way and find it completely draining. Even though I mostly get a seat there is something about it that sucks the energy out of me.

@EmpressJewel it can be such a nightmare in London can't it!! And it's such a tricky one, I feel like the bubble has to break sooner or later! I hope you find the best solution and an amazing role closer to home

@BlueSkiesLies I agree, a 1.5h commute one way is shit. Ha!
I didn't decide to go through the run down of chores, but they include basic things like cooking dinner (I need to eat and at 11pm it's a bloody chore) as well as doing simple quick tasks around the house to make sure it's not utter chaos on the weekend.

Re: 2 years, that was to do with 1. seeing what the impact of Brexit would have on house prices and if that gives us an edge (for example to move closer to London and affording a better property) and 2. currently TTC and if successful, 1 year would be mat leave so removing the commute issue and seeing where our support networks would be, impacting the decision.

@Violetroselily oh god, and during the Southern Rail shambles! That must have been absolute hell! What did you do to get out of then commute? I'm going to try WFH more and set up a little office or something, as at the moment I haven't really got a 'working space'. but I think down the line we may have to do something that jus has a shorter commute whatever that option is.

@eurochick 100% it's just so draining! both time and emotional!

I hear you op as I have a similar commute.

I’ve just gone back after mat leave and another major stress is trying to get back before nursery closes.

Also DD loses her mind with tiredness if left in nursery until the very end (6.30) so I try to leave work 4.30pm and collect her by 6pm . I now work 2 days per week from home to make it manageable.

It will only get worse if you have kids so get your plan B in place now

Can you work on the train and count that as work time and then leave earlier?

Are you outsourcing chores at home eg do you have a cleaner/gardener/ironing service?

Cooking at 11pm? Where's DH? What did he have for dinner and why didn't he leave you a portion?!

Chores also insanity, again where's DH in all that.

My husband used to work for LFB, they’re around 6 days out of 8 and get to sleep on nights so he is definitely not pulling his weight! Get that sorted before kids, trust me!
Also be mindful that if he moves to a different brigade the shift pattern may change. My DH now works for Merseyside and does 15 random days (& 15 nights on call from home) a month.
Basically, once you have kids the brigade shifts are a bloody nightmare to work round and you will probably have to do drop off, pick up, bedtime, weekends all on your own so you need to get this sorted ASAP!

I would be knackered if I went to bed at 1am and had to up at 7!

I don’t know how anyone can survive a 3 hour commute on top of a full working day. I guess that the financial rewards might make it worthwhile but my mental and physical health couldn’t cope with that. Hats off to all of you who do it

Tbh, I'll be a lot easier to move now than when you have a baby/toddler. It will also give you the chance to do NCT when you're pregnant and make friends locally. It'll also give you the option to go back to work after your maternity leave. With the current commute and DH's irregular shifts, you could struggle for childcare.

I'm also not sure Brexit is relevant unless you're planning to move to a prime London address. I live in a family-orientated, relatively affordable part of zone 5 and houses are being sold and bought as families need appropriate roofs over their heads so I can't see how Brexit could have a dramatic impact on these types of areas.