Wish I hadn't become a mum

[barelywithit]

Nc as too ashamed to be found out

No one to talk to in real life without feeling judged

I just wish I'd not become a mum. I can't really expand on that, I just don't enjoy it . I dread days that aren't nursery days.

He's not a good sleeper and after 3 years of only having a few "sleep throughs" I feel like I'm doing a job against my will

I just want out

My son will never know this. I'm an amazing actress. Sometimes though, like today, I just want to go back to my old life

I don't even expect replies, I just needed to get this out of my brain and onto paper

Loads of people feel like this. I adore my son but I only truly relax on my own. Every year he gets bigger and more independent, and I get happier.

When he's finally out and about on his own and his daily care is no longer my responsibility, I will be my full, true self at last.

But honestly, it's incremental. It isn't agonisingly constraining until they turn 18. It gets easier all the time. And in fact they do loads for themselves once they hit high school age, so that's another huge milestone that comes quickly.

I don't wish every day away like I used to, but I do enjoy the passage of time. It's all going in the right direction.

Oh you are not alone! I fantasise what my life would be like without kids. When they were babies I watched that clock til they went to bed so I could have time without them. When I went back to work I never talked about them. I find so much of parenthood drudgery. Then much of the rest is worry.
I love them to bits and though they’ve seen me go off the rails with rage (I’ve never been so angry as when I’ve been a parent) I did do everything - toddler groups, every play every match attended, piano lessons, riding lessons, taxi here there and everywhere. Every birthday and Christmas made wonderful.
I do not wish they as individuals were not here. They are two wonderful teens so full of life and potential. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss the life I might have had. And in about four years I’ll be in my own again probably missing them like crazy.

If nothing else, the sleep should improve over time and you'll feel better. I enjoy being a mum a lot more when I've had some time to myself and a decent night's sleep. Once he starts school you'll feel a difference, and then year 1/primary 2 is time to sign them up activities after school or weekends (Saturday morning drama for 2.5 hours saved my sanity). There'll start to be birthday parties and play dates, and the pressure is off you to be the entertainment. DS is 10 and over the years there are activities we can enjoy together, or he can enjoy by himself. These days when he has a friend round I can just sit in bed with a book and a cup of tea and let them get on with it. You might find a different stage suits you much better.

I know this feels like forever, and for the moment, it might as well be, but it does get easier. As much as anything, they get better at settling themselves, when they wake up, and when they go to school it's five days a week and they get well tuckered out!

This will seem incredibly far off to you, but right now I've got a 13 and 15 year old, and sometimes it seems like I never had kids, for all I see at them, once they're fed, watered and plugged in!

Please don't feel ashamed, this is 24/7 and nobody can tell you what it's going to be like, or which model of kid you're going to get (you got the non-sleeping model, it seems, which is well known to be somewhat challenging and exhausting!) Sleep deprivation and the unrelenting tedium that can be toddlers, is enough to drive anyone halfway round the twist at times.

I suggest you try counseling. Shame and guilt can destroy people. To stay sane you'll need to find a place of acceptance - of you being a mother, of your life, of your child, etc. You don't need to become a mother who loves all aspects of parenting every single day. I'm pretty sure most mothers don't.

I hope you start feeling better about your life and get away from feeling shame.

Although I don't think this feeling is in itself unusual, there's something in the tone of your post that worries me. I felt this way for most of the first 6 months of Ds' life. I loved him, but somehow every minute spent with him was a chore. But I also knew I was struggling with mild PND and sure enough, over time, it abated and I came to adore him. I still struggled with the entire baby/toddler period - the relentlessness of it is exhausting and sometimes I just don't want to pay yet another game of pretend octonauts. But as he got older, it got easier and we were able to do things together we enjoy and he has got more independently.

Interestingly, I didn't experience any of that with DD later. Sure, I still find the relentless pretend games and never ending nature of parenting her hard, but I don't feel the same resentment and frustration. And I can only assume it's because mentally I'm in a much better place now. I don't have PND, and didn't suffer at all with her (and the difference in those first few months was a REVELATION. I hadn't realised quite how bad it was with DS until I experienced it differently with DD).

All of which makes me think you should consider seeking help. It is normal to feel exhausted and bored and tired of it. It's not entirely normal to consistently wish you weren't a mum. I feel for you, I really do.

I can’t add anything to what PPs have said, I’ve felt exactly the same in the last too. What I would say though is although there are still worries (just about different things), I’ve loved being a mum of teens-and it genuinely gets better all the time, one is in her early 20s and has left home-I miss her madly and love the time I spend with her, the youngest just turned 17 and fingers crossed, so far so good.

You WILL get through this part, do you feel any relief at admitting it to yourself and getting it out there? I’ve never even admitted it to dh.

You are not alone, loads of parents feel this way, at least to some extent. Parenting involves big sacrifices and that can be really hard at times. The good news is that it gets easier, it really does. Children grow up, get more independent, want their friends not you.... you gradually get more headspace. Hang in there and try not to feel guilty.

Im so glad I went straight back to work and handed over to a childminder.

3 is such a demanding age. Mine are now 11 and 7, they get their own breakfast, bring me coffee at weekends and entertain themselves a lot.

I love being a mum but struggled with the neediness in those early years. I feel like now I'm more of me and being a mum is part of that but not all of it. I remember my mum telling me to enjoy dc pre school years as from school onwards you lose them... I've actually been much happier with school age dc.

Dd2 wants games night tomorrow which I'm slightly dreading though

You're not alone. I hated the early years. I didn't want to wake up and dreaded the long day and night ahead. I missed my old life. All I wanted was a couple of hours to myself. My partner was shit in the early days, always out night fishing. On the odd occasion, my dad would come and take her out for a few hours. I didn't even have to ask. We're not close as he was absent from 12 to 22. But he just knew.
My mum, who I was close to, and lived nearby, stayed away. ☹
I felt guilt shame and am still inwardly raging that i never got that fab bonding like other mums. 13 years on.
Bad memories.

I know it will get better in x amount of years but I feel I can't get to that stage

I wish my mindset was different , I really do
But I just need to get away from this nightmare but I know if I did that then I'd not come back

I used to look out at the white picket gate in the white picket fence, and think seriously about walking out of it and never coming back. I never quite got there, but crikey it was close sometimes.

I think you need a break. Is there any way you can have one? Even just for a night or two, if at all possible? Do you have a partner who could look after the little one while you go and see your Mum, or a sibling, or a friend? Could you open up to one of those about how you are feeling?

Also - I did suffer from PND. Do you think you could be suffering a spot of depression along with the sleep deprivation and martyrdom that comes with motherhood? If so, do you think you could go and talk to your GP?

You aren't alone in feeling this way. You are not abnormal. You are not a bad Mum. You are not a bad person. But you are isolating yourself in how you're feeling which means you're not letting those that love you and could help, give you the support you need. We're Mums. We have to do a lot. No one ever said we have to do it alone. It's better if we don't, if we can possibly avoid it.

Are you a single parent? If not your partner needs to step up and let you have some proper sleep!! There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture.

I hear you op.
I don’t enjoy the ‘act’ of parenting or if being a Mother with a capital M, even though I adore my son. I don’t feel like it’s completed me or fulfilled me etc etc, it’s just one aspect of my life. Are you able to do things for you? Work/nights out/socialising/hobbies/courses? I’m a good mother, despite it not coming ‘naturally’ to me, because I know that I need my own time and space.

Yup. Lone parent to 2 here. I love them more than anything but the grind of parenting over and over each day brings me no happiness

Sounds like you need a break. I've been there. In fact I did try to drive away. Husband blocked the road with his car and stopped me. Bastard.
In hindsight it was PND. Took a while to lift
For some people it can take 5 years. Given the way you are writing I would urge you to seek some support.

This parenting thing is blardy hard work and not as rewarding as people told me it would be but I am able to appreciate some of the moments. However it sounds like you cannot right now.

Time for someone to help you find the flowers in the eye of the storm?

Take care of you OP.

Thanks again.
My partner is amazing and totally does his fair share if not more. He knows I'm struggling, but so is he....

I am on antidepressants, shitloads in fact to keep my head above water!

I feel that I need to just keep my head down and plough through the next few years , but it's sad that I'm just wishing away years of my sons life.

I've got such a lucky life and lifestyle, so because of that I feel even more uncomfortable

You sound so like us, it's not funny.

You sound as if you shouldn't feel sad and down, and guilty that you do, so you don't feel that you could or should, reach out for support?

Mbosnz correct.

It's a real mindfuck isn't it?

It's ok, I posited a recent thread about finding it difficult (single mum, abusive ex) and got told I would be better off having my child adopted!!! Go figure.

Just hang on in there

Your not alone I used to dream about walking away and not looking back
It was just the slog of every minute of everyday without a break
Being needed all the sodding time
Not being able to go for a private wee
Not being able to watch anything but kids tv-by the time it was bedtime I was too knackered to stay up and watch mine
Lack of adult company

I’m amazed I’m still sane

Please go see your doctor they can help

You are not alone

They are really demanding at that age, but it does get better.

Do talk to your GP about how you are feeling - it's not a crime, it is actually OK to say it. Only a total insensitive idiot (who has never be a parent) would go 'Oh my God, you're a terrible parent, everyone should love it and never have negative feelings, let alone regret). It doesn't help that society waves around this big poster about how parents must be happy and love every minute.

It happens to people. It sucks. But sharing the burden can help. I'm sorry you are feeling so negative about it, but don't be down on yourself. You are only human and no one can tell how they'll really feel. Try to enjoy the moments and not worry about the years, bu most of all speak to GP/counsellor about finding acceptance.

I've got such a lucky life and lifestyle

Feeling the way you do isn't lucky though, is it?

The way you write makes it sound like you feel very trapped and that's feeding your hopelessness. Are there any things in your life - anywhere - that you could change in some way to feel more in control?

When I'm trying to do this I find it helpful if I can switch off the "logical" part of my brain that interrupts my attempts at creativity by telling me that "idea A is impossible" or "idea B is unreasonable".

It may not work for you, but for me I usually end up with novel ideas I can use if I stop myself from trying to figure out how to implement them at the same time as I'm trying to dream them up.

It's just as sad that things are so tough you're wishing away years of your own life. I hope you are able to find something to make the right now more bearable