New friendships in 30s?

[missmartini]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight I suppose.

DP is going on a stag do this weekend with a large group...6 of them are his really close friends. This is just one group of friends he has...he has various others.

It got me thinking, I have cousins I'm friendly with - we see each other at family dos and the odd night out maybe a couple of times a year. They post on social media or chat about "their friends" and go out/ text regularly with them.

I have colleagues that I see every day - go for lunch with (during working hours) etc. On our Friday lunch they talk about meeting up with "friends" and name them and what they're doing etc. We don't see each other apart from work.

Tonight got me thinking...apart from the already mentioned cousins/ colleagues/ DP.....I actually have no friends outwith these circles. Not one. Zilch. Guess it made me feel a bit sad.

I work full time and have 2 DC. I don't know any of the school mums as my mum does drop offs and pick ups.

Has anyone made new friends in their early 30s and if so how did you do it? Is anyone in the same boat?

I just guess I miss having someone to text, to meet for coffee/ drinks/ a walk. None of that would be an issue I have the time - DCs dad has them EOW and DP is more than happy to watch them for me if I ever want to do anything.

Guess I'm just feeling a bit lonely.

I've met people through evening classes and some have become good friends. A few good friends I've met at the school gate.

I met a new friend last year who is now probably in my circle of 'best friends'. I'm 32, and we connected on a local FB group then met up with our families. But I think we're both quite far along the spectrums of open / social in terms of our personalities - I can't imagine it having worked so well if either of us were more reserved.

Do you MIND not really having friends? Or is it more you feel you OUGHT to have them?

Do you go anywhere regularly? Gym, swim, library? Or is there any groups that interest you? I’ve always wanted to join the local walking group. That’d be half the battle, as at least you’d already have a common interest.

@LoafofSellotape
An evening class might be a good idea. I go to a lot of outside training as part of my job, I really try to be chatty to people but it's more a case of passing pleasantries then everyone goes home. School gate is not an option with work commitments. Thanks 😊

@flightyflights
I've looked on Facebook but there doesn't seem to be much in my area or is all mid week lunchtime which I just can't do. I do mind that I don't have anyone, I like to think I'm a nice, fun, positive person to be around. If someone in work/ family has a rant I'm usually the one they go to cause they know I'll listen but it's very much a work setting environment and nothing from that. Plus the people I'm talking about are more than 18 years older than me. One around my age but every weekend she has plans with friends that I genuinely don't think she'd be able to fit me in around her other friend commitments.

I guess I'm just thinking what's wrong with me that I literally don't have anyone even to text and say "hi how was your day?" Kind of thing.

Your not alone, I'm the same. It's depressing

@Thistles24

I'm a member of the gym, I go 3 times a week - mainly swim in fairness. The only times I can fit around work is either super early (the people that go the same time as me joke that I'm the youngest member of the pensioner club) or at the weekend when people seem to go in groups of 2/3. I've tried initiating conversation but I rarely see the same person there again. It's a big gym.

Thanks for commenting @whymewhyme it's a comfort to know I'm not the only one feeling like this.

@missmartini there's nothing wrong with you, you sound lovely it's just really hard as you get older that's what I tell myself anyway lol 😆

How about people you were friends with before and may have lost touch with? Try reaching out to them. Just because you now have kids doesn’t mean you can only be friends with other mums.

It's not just you. A few years ago I moved back to my home town to help care for my disabled Dad, DM doesn't drive so I help with shopping trips, hospital visits etc.

Everyone I knew from when I was younger has moved away, and I don't really have anyone here. As I'm tied to the place (disabled Dad, disabled partner, DD7 at school) I can't move to places where I know people.

I also work odd hours so rarely do the school run, and when I do it's very cliquey, everyone's known each other since school apparently.

I have a few friends scattered around but no one to go out with, they're all miles away, and all have family and friends close to them so don't really travel. I have work colleagues but our shifts are all over the place so we can't really socialise outside of work.

I'm hoping as my daughter grows older I'll be able to do more, be less tied to the house and try and reassemble a social life!

@whymewhyme
That's what I'm telling myself as well lol

@Pipandmum
I've tried to keep in touch with people I went to uni with, make arrangements but nothing ever comes of it. The last time was before Christmas I text the last one I was really in contact with and she didn't reply. I text again on Christmas saying merry Christmas and no reply again. I take from that she didn't want to communicate any more. I might try again don't want to look like a weirdo though. Lol

@Lima45
Wow I feel silly for posting now with my woe is me problems when you have so much going on. I hope you find time to look after yourself as well as everyone else your giving your time to. You sound like a great person.

Could you join a local running club then volunteer to help out in park runs? I know people who have met good friends through this.

Our park run has coffee afterwards and the volunteer marshals all seem quite friendly. My brother in law is in the local club and they regularly have nights out - group is mixed gender and age - ranging from late teens to fifties.

@missmartini Honestly, you sound lovely too. And you're allowed to have a rant or feel down. Don't compare what's going on with you to what's going on with others.

My life is great 90% of the time. Love my family and I'm just doing what 99% of people would. Love my DP to bits, and most of the time I don't really notice that the majority of my social life is online. Would do this all again without hesitation.

No one's ever happy 100% of the time. And online friends can still be real friends. (But that doesn't mean that you can't wish for a good night out occasionally.)

@Dippypippy1980
I've never ran more than the length of myself other than to catch the ice cream van before it drives away! 😂 I'm fairly fit with my swimming so will look into this and see if there's any clubs around. I never thought of running before thanks for the idea.

@Lima45
I'm happy with life too, I have a good job, lovely family, my DP and my DCs are great I just feel like I'm missing a small part of my life that's just for me and someone to share it with. Just silly things I guess really. Thanks for your reply and kind words. 😊

@missmartini I totally get that. Sometimes you need something that's just for you.
Sounds like some of the pps have given some really good ideas. I wish you loads of luck in your search.
Hopefully this time next year were both out on a girly night with new (good) friends 😊

I feel much the same. I'm close to my sister and get on really well with colleagues at work but have little in the way of freinds outside of this really. Everyone would describe me as ' nice' as ' kind' etc. I separated from my husband 12 months ago and have two primary school aged children. I'm 35. It's hard isn't it. How on earth do you just start making freinds at this age!

OP, nip over to the current thread called something like ‘I accidentally made friends with someone famous’. It has excellent suggestions for hobbies to attract celebrity friends, like going cow-tipping with Gary Barlow, body painting with Jacob Rees-Mogg, or brass-rubbing with Alan Titchmarsh.

Or it will make you feel your current situation isn’t so bad.

@milkysmum
Absolutely my thoughts exactly. Apart from general chat (without being too full on and looking like a weirdo!) I don't know how to move from general chit chat to being a friend. I work with 4/5/6 year olds and today I just watched them bound from person to person, they all came in talking about the different games they played with all their different friends....I was actually jealous 😂😂😂

@Baskerville
I seen that thread and been following since it was first written! Brass rubbing with Alan titchmarsh was a particular favourite lol

Start with couch to 5k - if you can find an granites group it’s greta fun. You graduate to the weekly park run. If you start going every week you will soon start to make connections. You will be surprised how many people you already know will be there.

Good luck

Sorry for the typos - I meant organised group.

I go twice a week. Same people every week and you get chatting. Itwill take a while to make friends this way - so I do think volunteering would help.

Or if running isn’t your thing - what about helping out at an animal shelter? Really anything that involves spending Tim with like minded people.

OP, I was you. In my early 30s, I had my two little DCs to look after & had loads of acquaintances and friends from long ago that I loved but rarely saw and I felt utterly alone.

I remember sobbing to DH over the school holidays as, yet again, nobody had got in touch or was away and I felt utterly inconsequential..I had my little family but no one outside our little circle. It was shit.

Anyway, what changed was that I started saying yes to invitations...even a tentative 'OOh, let's get together one evening' from other school mums. And slowly, I began to build new friendships. I work FT so never did school dropoffs/pick ups either. But lots of schools have FB groups or pages. There's always plays / assemblies / parties where you might strike up a conversation.

The running club idea is good or gym or clubs for the kids - wherever you might meet people in your area.

It does take time. But I know where you are coming from. If it's any consolation, I'm now in my early 40s and have lots of people that I call genuine friends.

Best of luck OP. You sound lovely

By the way, I work with 6 yr old people too. I admire their honesty and openness...if only adults could have their ability to just get on and make friends, we'd be just fine!!

What about play dates? My dd had a few good friends at school and after a few play dates we (the parents) did stuff together and helped each other out with childcare. It escalated to ladies nights, fundraising dances, hikes. One of them is now my most trusted best mate. Even though our dds drifted apart for a couple of years there, our friendship stayed strong. It actually brought our kids back to being good friends again, probably no choice as they know we are thick as thieves so get on with it. Now it’s holidays together for me and her and the men & kids just tag along 😆.

You’ve got to be really proactive. I think the school mum’s are probably your best bet. I know you don’t do the school run but that shouldn’t stop you. Try to connect with them on Facebook or start organising play dates with the dc. If you can befriend their friends mum’s then even better. Good way to start is your dc birthday party, chat to all the parents and see who you click with.

I’ve got a few friends dotted around now. The thing I really wish I had was a group of friends. All my friends from school dispersed throughout the country fairly quickly afterwards (myself included). I now live in a rural town that no one seems to leave, they all have large groups of friends from childrenhood whereas I’ve just got singular friends. I’d love a big, fun girls night out. My 40th’S coming up and whilst I go have a handful of friends to invite, none of the them know eachother so I think it’ll be a damp squib.

Do you have a Womens Institute branch near you? Often suggested on mn - some branches are very active, do interesting things (including eves and weekends if you're working weekdays). Could be fun - and a source of friends!
Also - are your colleagues potential friends? Could you (very tentatively, I know it's awkward!) suggest going for a drink after work, and see how it goes? (Though you have to be prepared for a 'no' with that one - many people need to get home!)

I also second the idea of running rather than swimming as a way to meet people - it must be hard to talk with your head under water most of the time!