New friendships in 30s?

[missmartini]

Feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight I suppose.

DP is going on a stag do this weekend with a large group...6 of them are his really close friends. This is just one group of friends he has...he has various others.

It got me thinking, I have cousins I'm friendly with - we see each other at family dos and the odd night out maybe a couple of times a year. They post on social media or chat about "their friends" and go out/ text regularly with them.

I have colleagues that I see every day - go for lunch with (during working hours) etc. On our Friday lunch they talk about meeting up with "friends" and name them and what they're doing etc. We don't see each other apart from work.

Tonight got me thinking...apart from the already mentioned cousins/ colleagues/ DP.....I actually have no friends outwith these circles. Not one. Zilch. Guess it made me feel a bit sad.

I work full time and have 2 DC. I don't know any of the school mums as my mum does drop offs and pick ups.

Has anyone made new friends in their early 30s and if so how did you do it? Is anyone in the same boat?

I just guess I miss having someone to text, to meet for coffee/ drinks/ a walk. None of that would be an issue I have the time - DCs dad has them EOW and DP is more than happy to watch them for me if I ever want to do anything.

Guess I'm just feeling a bit lonely.

Thanks for all your replies.

I will see if there is a way to connect with the school mums. I don't have any of them on Facebook simply because I don't know them. I have a few of their numbers from replying to parties. When I've been to parties everyone seems to know everyone and sits in groups. The one time I did find someone to sit with we were chatting away then she said she was away to the shop and asked me to watch her stuff, didn't feel I could say no so ended up at a table myself watching her and her DCs things. My DS is in primary 1 and we invited everyone to his party, again I felt I made a massive effort to get round everyone - I provided food and juice for all the adults too but again nothing seemed to come of it.

Sorry I know it feels like I'm dismissing all your ideas, I'm really not I guess I just feel that I'm not really part of the mum club (I'm actually a lot sadder about that sitting here right now than I thought I was) but I will talk to DS1 tonight and find out his really good group of friends (he's very much a social butterfly friends with everyone) and will see if there's anyway I can reach out to anyone.

Thank you all for being so kind.

I've never heard of the Woman's Institute before @SoonerthanIthought I'll look into that today.

I dare say folk from work might be up for going for a drink. I guess they're all in their 50s and are very settled with colleagues and their own groups of friends. I'll see though. Thanks 😊

I second looking up your local WI branch. My one is a mix of ages from 30s to retired, fairly modern, with a big variety of topics discussed from month to month. And there are a few social spin off groups from it.

You’ve really got to plug away at it. It takes a lot of effort, it’s almost like dating! It’s took my a good couple of years to really connect with the school mum’s (well 2 of them at least). Friendships take a long time to build up, it’s not going to just click at a party. Invite your dc’s friend for tea/play whatever, offer for the mum to stay for a drink, it’ll gradually build from there.

There seem to be a few people on this thread who share your situation OP, might it be worth you all setting up a WhatsApp group together? It would need someone to take the initiative initially, to get some chatter going and to learn about each other etc but perhaps over time it could become a friendly/ casual space to connect.

I have a WhatsApp group with some of my uni friends (as we’re spread out around the country - & one is abroad). We go through spells of using it frequently (sometimes daily) sharing funny/ cringe stories, updating each other on day to day life etc.. sometimes we use it less frequently which is fine but it’s nice to know it’s there! If we’ve not used it for a while one of us will often just check in with “hey how are we all doing?” - to make it meaningful though I think you have to let a bit of your raw self shine through, not be frightened to say “ugh I’m having a shit day, the kids are running me ragged!” as friendships can only ever be superficial if we keep our nice polite “all good here thanks!” face on.

Could you look at joining the school PTA? I joined ours when DS started in reception last year, and aside from the school stuff, we've been put for drinks, meals etc separately from the organised stuff, you usually only have one meeting a month so not too time consuming but gives opportunities to meet outside of it as well.

Is there anyone that your DC play with from school that they might want a play date with outside of school? Meet at the local park etc? Are they young enough to need accompanying so you could chat with the parents?

Are there any groups at your workplace that meet on a lunchtime or could you set one up as a starting point?

I joined a netball club 5 years ago. I have made a lot of really good friends of all ages as a result.

Will definitely check this out @EsmereldaWasRight thank you.

Haha @Scion457 that's what I was talking about with my DP last night he said just text a few of the mums numbers I had and ask about going for a drink, I said does that not look like I'm asking them out on a date?! 😂😂😂

Thanks for the advice @DovePetal the bags under my eyes will no doubt give away the stress of working full time, 2 young DC and everything else that entails with that. I'll always be myself though and not try to be anything I'm not.

I went to the first PTA meeting @Peabody25 - people found out I was a teacher and what I was hoping would turn into some friendships people only really spoke to me before/ after if they wanted to question a method of discipline a teacher had used, the purpose of homework or something else where they seemed to be fishing for info....I'm not a teacher at the school my DS goes to so couldn't actually comment on any of that. The chairperson of the PTA then told me not to worry about coming because I "deal with school stuff all day I shouldn't have to do it at night too" I felt like she was telling me not to come back. I was fairly quiet at that meeting but it was my first one so I didn't want to be too full on. I might look into the nursery PTA where my youngest is - he will be there for the next 2 years so that might be a good starting point. I'll email them today and see when the next meeting is.

I'm thinking now I've maybe just had some bad luck with the people I've came across. At another birthday party a mum asking me why I "chose to work full time" and leave the "running around of the school run" to my mum. I politely told her that I didn't know of a bank that gave out mortgages for free. I was really upset by that so I guess I've kept my distance from the school mums after that. No point holding grudges or tarring any with the same brush though so I'll let bygones be bygones and try again. Thank you all.

I made some lasting friends through church though if your not religious that’s probably not the best idea :) and voluntary work. I did make two Mum friends at the school gate that I have been friends with for 14 years now, I see one every week as we go for a long walk with her dog. The reason these two Mum friends have remained is we had other things in common and not just the children. Same with church and the voluntary work, a genuine shared mutual interest. These are the friendships that last.

What are you interested in? MIL was a yoga teacher and now retired she is always seeing her yoga mates for lunches and walks and they go off to alternative health fairs together. SIL is somewhat obsessive about animal welfare and has devoted a lot of her time and her own money and I mean thousands of pounds to that cause but she has made friends through this. We all found our differing herds through things we love doing and feel passionate about. The collection of Mums at the school gate are women who just happen to have given birth in the same school admission year. I was lucky but I think it’s a hard way to make long lasting friends.

Sorry @Adversecamber22 was busy at work and not long home.

I was thinking about what you said and I think I've been so caught up in work and being Mummy that I've forgotten to take time for the things I like. I've only really got back into my swimming from January this year, I really enjoy it. I used to play badminton (a long time ago before babies lol) so will look for any local clubs. Will also check out my local running club and I've always fancied yoga so I just need to make more time for me I think.

Thanks again for all your very kind words and support 😊

I've just made a new group of friends going to baby groups. Do your dc do any activities that might provide an opportunity?

Hi @Rarfy

At the moment the only clubs is ones the school run from 3-4. I'll look into something out with council run things to see if there's anything that I can manage round my work. Thanks.

I totally understand where you're coming from, OP. I felt exactly the same after I had my DD - I had good friends before (not loads, but I work on the quality over quantity principle!) but they all seemed to drift and fizzle after.

I used to go (alone) to baby and toddler things and feel surrounded by groups of mum friends all chatting and being friendly with each other. It really got me down.

When I had my son I made it my mission to find some mum friends. I went to every baby group I could go to. I said yes to anything and everything. I properly plugged away at it. It's kind of worked - I've now got a group of friends that invite me to things etc. It was really, really hard work though! Much harder than I felt it should be.

In the whole process, I realised I had to let go of my shyness and inhibitions and ask people that I got chatting to for their number (I call it 'going on the mum friend pull'). It was painful at first but got easier.

In this whole 'mum friend pulling' mission, I really clicked with one woman at a party my DD was at. We're really good friends now. She's a keeper .

Basically - it's kind of painful and embarrassing and hard work but if you put the leg work in, you'll get there.

Where are you roughly OP? I often feel the same

Thanks @clevername
I guess I missed out on all the baby/ toddler things. My maternity package was only 13 weeks pay so that's all I could afford to take off and I was back st work while the DC were very young so I missed out on all that. The school mums have all known each other since their DC were babies/ nursery and I guess that's where I don't fit in as yet. I will try to make more of an effort though.

I'm defo not expecting a magical best friend over night just someone to talk to would be nice.

@baubled I'm in Scotland. Thanks for commenting you are also feeling the same, even those comments are making me feel better to know there's not something wrong with me! 😊 I hope this thread has given you some ideas too.

Maybe try and get them interested in something outside of school and working hours you will soon get chatting to people.

Clubs often do activities where parents have to muck in too which would be a great opportunity to strike up conversation with other people.

It's shit when you feel lonely. I'm on maternity leave now and on the days where I don't do anything I find it really lonely and boring.

I've made some lovely friends through baby clubs and it started just because we all have to same worried and stressed about our babies.