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Partner often doesn't respond when I say something: any experiences of this??

29 replies

BigbreastsBiggerbeard · 21/05/2019 16:37

Sometimes my DP doesn't respond when I say something. If it requires an answer (a question) then yes, he'll respond, but comments, statements etc often go 'ignored'. Now, I do suffer from anxiety so I'm not sure how much of my dissatisfaction around this issue is down to my anxiety and how much is reasonable.

It makes me feel rather rejected (and dejected!). Communication is really important to me, and, having had a couple of relationships during which the communication was not too fabulous (and being ignored, talked over, etc) I really want this relationship to be better.

The things may be nothing of note or relating to some aspect of the relationship - either way it feels important to me that my partner feels that what I'm saying is important enough to warrant a reply. Things just fall flat. I feel like an utter idiot when I say something only for it to be met with radio silence.

Communication is a two way process and I feel that so many opportunities are being missed for us to talk! Though obviously, we do talk. But, you know when you're with a friend and the conversation just flows - there's a dialogue - one person says something, the other responds...and there you have a satisfying exchange. You feel heard, understood. All that important stuff.

For context, he's a lovely guy, and listens when I explain how I feel about this to him. Reassures me that he never, ever wants to make me feel ignored, is always interested in what I have to say, etc. He's working on it. I actually have faith that we can deal with this. There's absolutely no malice involved. He's generally a quiet chap and hasn't been in a relationship for quite some time.

I just wanted to know how other people would feel about this, or how you've dealt with it your own relationships?

OP posts:
ineedaknittedhat · 21/05/2019 16:59

A lot of men do this and the reason they give is that what you've said to them doesn't require a response as it's not a question. I suppose that is logical, but it's not a satisfactory response as you can't be sure that the person has heard. It's also rather rude.

Men have a habit of tuning women out and ignoring what they say, so it could be that as well. All they hear is "blah blah blah", so don't respond as they can't be sure they're giving the right response and if they respond incorrectly, would result in them being found out.

Extreme introverts sometimes don't hear what's being said due to inattention and being lost in their own thoughts.

Minty · 21/05/2019 17:05

My DP does this sometimes and I have taken to pausing pointedly until I get response. If we are actually in a deep discussion he is v empathetic so I think it's more a case of him not having a response that he feels is worth giving iyswim or being a bit zoned out on Twitter or whatever.
I think a lot of men do this and it is a bit of a man thing. Possibly you need to look elsewhere for the responses you want (friends, maybe counselling?) rather than asking your DP to give you something he struggles with?

Annunaki · 21/05/2019 17:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Whathappenedtothelego · 21/05/2019 17:10

I do this, it's not on purpose, I just zone out.
I usually hear my name, so Dh knows now to precede comments with it, then I am more likely to tune in.
Or else I will become aware of him saying something like "have you switched off again?" which will prompt me back to the real world.

ladybee28 · 21/05/2019 17:12

Gottman did some amazing studies on this stuff and the correlation between 'bids for connection' and later divorce / separation (you can read about it here)

It's great he's willing to listen when you explain how it feels, and it may well just be an introvert thing, AND it's more important than it sounds...

Definitely worth exploring more with him.

ExpletiveDelighted · 21/05/2019 17:14

Mine does it too sometimes, or just says "yes" half-heartedly when I want a discussion. It is a bit annoying and it has resulted in rows occasionally.

AlunWynsKnee · 21/05/2019 17:36

DH used to do this. After a lot of the conversations about it being polite to acknowledge the other person, with no change I just started repeating myself until he would say "You just said that" and me going I thought you hadn't heard me he did finally get it.

AlunWynsKnee · 21/05/2019 17:37

Sorry that was supposed to be two sentences and then I merged them into one mangled sentence Blush

BigbreastsBiggerbeard · 21/05/2019 19:03

Thank you all for your replies.

ladybee28 - I'm looking at the Gottman studies and think it will be helpful, so thank you for that. It made me realise a couple of other things that have bothered me too, though nothing at all deliberate on his part or meant to hurt (he's very far from being a game player). Things that send 'signals'. Yes, he is an introvert. But intelligent and very open to improving communication and our relationship.

My self confidence is low anyway, and have been frequently spoken over/ignored elsewhere and it's simply not something I want to occur in my relationship with my significant other.

Annunaki - no, it can be when there is no TV/phone in the picture, so it makes it more odd and difficult to understand! It's often as if he doesn't realise that hey, it's his turn to speak now! It's hard to get a conversation flowing at times. He has said he'll never be the most talkative guy in the world, and that's absolutely fine by me, as I'm actually rather quiet myself. It's just that with the relationship still being relatively new (seven months) I'm trying to address things at ground level so we can move forward on a healthy footing. He's very receptive and that's a huge positive. After my last relationships it's a breath of fresh air not to have to fight to be understood.

I've also asked him to tell me if there's anything I do that's annoying/frustrating so at least I'm trying to be fair. Luckily, I'm perfect so all good there Wink

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 21/05/2019 19:05

Not unusual. It's called, "Chucking a deaf ear". They just don't process what you've said or take so long they forget it.

BigbreastsBiggerbeard · 21/05/2019 19:10

Chucking a deaf ear! Grin

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Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 21/05/2019 19:15

Oh god yes. All the time. He is a wonderful man. Helps out a scouts and other charities. Wonder around the house. An amazing dad. Can’t fault the man. But he does this. I have told him so many tines how it pisses me off. He says the same as a previous poster. It was a question so didn’t need an answer.

I don’t think men chat like we do? And he is a fairly quiet man. It’s the only thing that bugs me so I let it go. I love him. But man it’s annoying.

Dljlr · 21/05/2019 19:16

My DP does this and has claimed it's because i) he's German "and we communicate only when we need to" (Hmm) and ii) he has ADHD so communicates differently anyhow. Personally I think that it's just iii) he's a man (yeah I know they're not all the same but it's so common with men) and it's fucking rude/annoying!

YeOldeTrout · 21/05/2019 19:26

I'm the sort not to reply! FGS. Why should I. Can't we have companionable occasional exchange. I loved the movie 'Leave No Trace' where the father & daughter spoke so little. Only purposefully.

DC babble constantly & have got used to fact I don't have a reply to everything.

AndOutComeTheBoobs · 21/05/2019 19:55

My DH does this sometimes. It's really annoying.

I'm like"Hellloooooo....?"

I asked him once why he did it. He said "if I answered ever thing you said, I would never stop talking."
Fucker 😮

drspouse · 21/05/2019 20:34

I'm afraid I do this, especially if DH talks to me when I'm watching the telly or on my phone Blush.

BillyAndTheSillies · 21/05/2019 20:38

DH does this, it infuriates me. He just totally zones out, might not even be on his phone. It's like he goes totally vacant.

It used to freak out my parents, but my mum just surmised that he only speaks when something is worth saying and this is true. His brothers all do it and so does FIL, it can be like talking to brick walls.

Although, our DS(3) gets so frustrated if he doesn't answer him so we are working on that.

TroysMammy · 21/05/2019 20:41

I do this. If I don't think it warrants an answer I won't say anything and I can talk. I don't make hmm noises either.

Newmumma83 · 21/05/2019 20:43

I am guilty of not responding to my partner ... if he is talking to me and I am reading a text or a book for example my concentration is such I honestly don’t hear him.

He often gets upset with me about it and I understand how it is frustrating but am not sure how to change it ... of course when he gets my attention I am all ears 👂

JuniLoolaPalooza · 21/05/2019 20:43

My DP does this, so I do it back to him. Soon gets him chatting it up.

Bluntness100 · 21/05/2019 20:45

My husband can do this. Not often now though. Because when he does I get the arse about it. So I shall say something like, I don't know, the window cleaner came today. And get silence, so then I say loudly, oh did he blunt, that's good the windows needed doing. And have a whole convo with myself in a hugely passive aggressive loud manner. He then says oh sorry, I did hear you.

We had a huge argument about it years ago as I told him it was rude and a real dick move not to acknowledge someone talking to you, not to look at them, just to completely blank it, so he makes an effort now in an attempt to avoid the same argument.🤣

Mabellavender · 21/05/2019 21:29

You both sound like hard work to be honest.

StillMedusa · 21/05/2019 21:39

Dh does it. I do it too. But we have been together quite happily for 31 years so it's not a deal breaker for us. We are both readers and if either of us is in a book... nope.

If we have something that actually needs hearing we both make sure the other one is actually listening .. , if it's just chit chat we carry on as we were. Dh says the secret to our long marriage is 'Yes dear...' (and important conversations are either lying in bed or in the car so we aren't reading!)

BigbreastsBiggerbeard · 21/05/2019 22:18

I'm usually very attuned to the whoever I'm with, and can't really help but focus on them. With a partner it's very natural for me - I don't even seem to have the option to tune out! I really, really wish I did Consequently, whenever my partner speaks, I'm instantly alert to what he's saying. Inevitably, I become a bit resentful if it seems all my attentiveness is going unreciprocated.

I have tried to not respond to his statements (in an attempt to even things out and see if the world ends) but in all honestly, it's bloody hard because I find what he says interesting and stimulating and it's response worthy! Plus, it feels incredibly rude not to. Even if it's something as mundane as "I've put your socks in the wash".

On a positive note, I can joke about it ( "Oy, are you listening or what??") and he's very amenable to that.

OP posts:
BigbreastsBiggerbeard · 21/05/2019 22:23

It's reassuring to know it's not just me! Though obviously it's not so great that other people are feeling ignored/tuned out/disregarded. Everyone seems to have their own way of dealing with it. I'm taking notes Grin

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