Hi mums.
I’m here looking for some advice.
Is there anyone here who never thought they wanted kids but ended up having them anyway?
I’m 28, nearly 29 and found out I’m 4 weeks pregnant. I wish I wanted kids but I really don’t. I actually love the idea of having older children- like when they’re late teens/adults. My family and I have never been close and I’ve always resented not doing typical “family things” like big family Christmas and holidays etc. I look at some of my friends and their relationships with their parents and am so envious. I love the idea of having older kids who end up as friends etc. Not sure I’m explaining it too well but hopefully some of you catch my drift !!
The thing is- I really don’t “like” young kids. I try so hard with my friends children etc but just struggle with it all so much. I struggle not being able to have adult conversations and having to get onto their level and talk for hours about “kid stuff”. I struggle finding any enjoyment in imaginative play etc. I also find I am unreasonably impatient. I KNOW they're children therefore process emotions differently and of course behave differently to older kids/adults but I can't help but get so frustrated by it. For example the other day I was at a friend's at her 5 year old son refused to go get his coat from his room because it was "Dark in there and I'm scared." I feel stuff like this would make me shout out "oh for gods sake just go and get your coat!" Another example again friend's child 4 years old refusing to eat his dinner as it wasn't on his favourite plate- nup. I'd have zero time for that kind of thing. She was so nice and patient with him about it but I just know I'd never stand for that kind of thing. Another example (I deliberately make a mental note of these things so I know of where I need to improve upon my own issues in order to be a more patient and understanding parent!) I was at afriend's house and she and her 5 year old son were putting together party bags for his party the next day. They were paper bags and as he was putting a bag of sweets in one of them the bag ripped. He then proceeded to fully rip open the whole bag, throw the contents all over the floor as well as the big multipack bag of sweets. I would honestly be concerned about my reaction if that were my child- not saying I'd be violent! (would never smack a child no matter their behaviour) but I'm sure 3 streets away from me would have heard me yelling. My friend took a very "gentle parenting" approach to the situation, telling him she was upset by his behaviour- asking him why he reacted like that etc. I know for sure I wouldn't have the patience for that.
I actually worked as a nanny for six months when I was 22- sounds mad I know. But I was between jobs and a friend of mine really needed help whilst her nanny was on maternity leave. I knew her then 3 and 5 year olds from birth and actually got on well with them so I thought why not. Generally I really enjoyed being their nanny as they were beautifully behaved (mostly!) but one thing I massively struggled with was things like the music classes and swimming classes. With he other mums and carers fully joining in singing and clapping along to the songs whilst I just felt awkward and uncomfortable. And his is where I know as a parent you have to be selfless and say “well this is my idea of hell but the kids enjoy it so I need to just suck it up”. I feel I’m too selfish for this.
I think I got through the nannying because I always knew it would only be for six months and also loved knowing I would get to go home at 5pm every night! I actually found it very lonely at times so can only imagine the loneliness mothers feel. Also that whiney voice that kids do and how they throw a fit over trivial things. I know it’s all about how kids haven’t learnt the correct emotional responses to things and can’t process their feelings but a 5 year old throwing a fit because I wouldn’t let him have chocolate after dinner or because he didn't want to brush his teeth -I really can’t imagine having to deal with that kinda thing day in day out 😭😭
I think my biggest worry would be the lack of spontaneity having kids allows. Like I love that at the last minute I can decide to go to the cinema or pub or out for dinner. I love that some days I can do absolutely nothing and veg out at home and other days I’ll take a trip out somewhere. I. Guess I like being me and my own person. I don’t want to be “mum” who wakes up at 6am every morning, spends my weekends at the park or soft play. And that’s another thing- is anyone else really bad around big groups of kids ?? It almost gives me a sense of anxiety when I’m around tons of loud children so again I know as a parent I’d need to do it anyway for my child’s sake but I also know how much I’d hate it.
I just feel like I really wouldn’t be a hands on mum at all. I think I’d maybe be fine if I was working full time and arranged child care (but the cost of that !!) And also if my partner and I could allow each other some weekends free. Like one mum I know, every six weeks she’ll go away for the weekend whether it be with friends or she’ll just book a hotel for herself. The following week her husband does the same and they repeat it every six week or so. Just gives them a break from being “mum
And dad" and allows them decent nights sleep and a lie in. But other mums I know spend every single moment they can with their children and feel guilty when they have time away from them.
I guess I’m just really hoping that I’ll suddenly change and actually want kids. I think I have a huge fear of being alone in my old age. I have one older brother who like me doesn’t want kids but he seems 100% firm in that. I only have two cousins who I never see. I’ve always been envious of people with big families who all have fun together and I’m terrified I’ll be 60 spending Christmas alone. And without sounding like a dickhe*d- seeing big family pics with tons of kids I don’t feel envious at all it’s always when the kids are older or even adults that I think it must be so nice.
Sorry for the essay. I’ve never actually written out my feelings like this. Think what it comes down to is I’m just too selfish to have kids. I love my own space, my own time, doing what I want when I want. Not having to worry about kids activities etc.I also just simply do not enjoy child type activities. I find them so tedious and dull and like I said earlier I struggle going hours without actual proper adult conversation and instead having to talk about lego and answering mundane questions" I just feel I’d be really selfish and impatient mother but I also really hope I will snap out of it and change my mind. Sorry for such a raw post any input would be appreciated though.