4 weeks pregnant- think I'd be a terrible mum (warning- lengthy post!)

[Wentsworth]

Hi mums.
I’m here looking for some advice.

Is there anyone here who never thought they wanted kids but ended up having them anyway?

I’m 28, nearly 29 and found out I’m 4 weeks pregnant. I wish I wanted kids but I really don’t. I actually love the idea of having older children- like when they’re late teens/adults. My family and I have never been close and I’ve always resented not doing typical “family things” like big family Christmas and holidays etc. I look at some of my friends and their relationships with their parents and am so envious. I love the idea of having older kids who end up as friends etc. Not sure I’m explaining it too well but hopefully some of you catch my drift !!

The thing is- I really don’t “like” young kids. I try so hard with my friends children etc but just struggle with it all so much. I struggle not being able to have adult conversations and having to get onto their level and talk for hours about “kid stuff”. I struggle finding any enjoyment in imaginative play etc. I also find I am unreasonably impatient. I KNOW they're children therefore process emotions differently and of course behave differently to older kids/adults but I can't help but get so frustrated by it. For example the other day I was at a friend's at her 5 year old son refused to go get his coat from his room because it was "Dark in there and I'm scared." I feel stuff like this would make me shout out "oh for gods sake just go and get your coat!" Another example again friend's child 4 years old refusing to eat his dinner as it wasn't on his favourite plate- nup. I'd have zero time for that kind of thing. She was so nice and patient with him about it but I just know I'd never stand for that kind of thing. Another example (I deliberately make a mental note of these things so I know of where I need to improve upon my own issues in order to be a more patient and understanding parent!) I was at afriend's house and she and her 5 year old son were putting together party bags for his party the next day. They were paper bags and as he was putting a bag of sweets in one of them the bag ripped. He then proceeded to fully rip open the whole bag, throw the contents all over the floor as well as the big multipack bag of sweets. I would honestly be concerned about my reaction if that were my child- not saying I'd be violent! (would never smack a child no matter their behaviour) but I'm sure 3 streets away from me would have heard me yelling. My friend took a very "gentle parenting" approach to the situation, telling him she was upset by his behaviour- asking him why he reacted like that etc. I know for sure I wouldn't have the patience for that.

I actually worked as a nanny for six months when I was 22- sounds mad I know. But I was between jobs and a friend of mine really needed help whilst her nanny was on maternity leave. I knew her then 3 and 5 year olds from birth and actually got on well with them so I thought why not. Generally I really enjoyed being their nanny as they were beautifully behaved (mostly!) but one thing I massively struggled with was things like the music classes and swimming classes. With he other mums and carers fully joining in singing and clapping along to the songs whilst I just felt awkward and uncomfortable. And his is where I know as a parent you have to be selfless and say “well this is my idea of hell but the kids enjoy it so I need to just suck it up”. I feel I’m too selfish for this.

I think I got through the nannying because I always knew it would only be for six months and also loved knowing I would get to go home at 5pm every night! I actually found it very lonely at times so can only imagine the loneliness mothers feel. Also that whiney voice that kids do and how they throw a fit over trivial things. I know it’s all about how kids haven’t learnt the correct emotional responses to things and can’t process their feelings but a 5 year old throwing a fit because I wouldn’t let him have chocolate after dinner or because he didn't want to brush his teeth -I really can’t imagine having to deal with that kinda thing day in day out 😭😭

I think my biggest worry would be the lack of spontaneity having kids allows. Like I love that at the last minute I can decide to go to the cinema or pub or out for dinner. I love that some days I can do absolutely nothing and veg out at home and other days I’ll take a trip out somewhere. I. Guess I like being me and my own person. I don’t want to be “mum” who wakes up at 6am every morning, spends my weekends at the park or soft play. And that’s another thing- is anyone else really bad around big groups of kids ?? It almost gives me a sense of anxiety when I’m around tons of loud children so again I know as a parent I’d need to do it anyway for my child’s sake but I also know how much I’d hate it.

I just feel like I really wouldn’t be a hands on mum at all. I think I’d maybe be fine if I was working full time and arranged child care (but the cost of that !!) And also if my partner and I could allow each other some weekends free. Like one mum I know, every six weeks she’ll go away for the weekend whether it be with friends or she’ll just book a hotel for herself. The following week her husband does the same and they repeat it every six week or so. Just gives them a break from being “mum
And dad" and allows them decent nights sleep and a lie in. But other mums I know spend every single moment they can with their children and feel guilty when they have time away from them.

I guess I’m just really hoping that I’ll suddenly change and actually want kids. I think I have a huge fear of being alone in my old age. I have one older brother who like me doesn’t want kids but he seems 100% firm in that. I only have two cousins who I never see. I’ve always been envious of people with big families who all have fun together and I’m terrified I’ll be 60 spending Christmas alone. And without sounding like a dickhe*d- seeing big family pics with tons of kids I don’t feel envious at all it’s always when the kids are older or even adults that I think it must be so nice.

Sorry for the essay. I’ve never actually written out my feelings like this. Think what it comes down to is I’m just too selfish to have kids. I love my own space, my own time, doing what I want when I want. Not having to worry about kids activities etc.I also just simply do not enjoy child type activities. I find them so tedious and dull and like I said earlier I struggle going hours without actual proper adult conversation and instead having to talk about lego and answering mundane questions" I just feel I’d be really selfish and impatient mother but I also really hope I will snap out of it and change my mind. Sorry for such a raw post any input would be appreciated though.

I have kids. I love them. My life has far more meaning and purpose now. But do I like kids. Ha ha no!

I have zero interest in attending sports days, talking nonsense about superhero’s, indulging tantrums etc so I just don’t. My parents were the same. It’s fine. My kids are happy. I am happy. And we manage to meet half way and engage in ways that we both find interesting. My four year old likes talking about history and politics (on a really general level obviously) and my three years old joins in on singing and generally being cute. If they want to do things that don’t interest me they do it by themselves/with each other/with friends. It’s fine. We’re all happy. You don’t have to be an overly soft soppy parent who is bored out of their mind just because other people are.

You also don’t loose spontaneity that much. We occasionally chuck the kids on the Eurostar on a Friday night and head to Paris/something similar. We just include them in our plans. Ok we can’t go to the theatre just yet (well not for long shows not aimed at children anyway) but with some minor adaptations most adult plans can be made child suitable.

You're my type of parent boggles

I don't think telling your children off for the kind of behaviour you describe would make you a bad parent. Quite the opposite. It means you have boundaries. You don't have to sign up to the gentle parent philosophy. You sound like you would want to do things well and are aware you are not perfect. A great start.

It is difficult, but worth it. Sorry! That's ultra cringy

When I was pregnant I wanted to punch people in the face for asking if I was excited. I have no patience and young children irritate me massively. I was mainly worried I wouldn't love my child, I would be a bad mum and I would change. Well from the moment he was born it was love at first sight. Happiest time of my life. Even when DP got up with him and I was supposed to be having a lie in I would get up anyway. It's the best thing I ever did. I felt like I was high for about 6 months solid. I think I was the last person to be in line for feeling this was and I didn't deserve it but I am so, so grateful. You will not believe it but this could be you.

Oh and he wasn't planned but when he arrived I just decided he was meant to be and he found a way to be. And I am so lucky.

Other people’s kids are annoying OP. It’s different with your own, hard to explain really but you put up with so much when it’s your own child, sleep deprivation, not much time to do anything, limited money etc then we still do it again and again.

"My family and I have never been close"
So you probably won't get practical and moral support from them. It can reopen old wounds if you felt that your parents weren't there for you as a child and they are again not there for you when you have a child yourself.
Of course plenty of people manage without family help, and some people don't want it (pushy family who give help you don't want are worse than no help at all). But it's obviously easier if you have some family help (what are your in-laws like?)

"I struggle not being able to have adult conversations and having to get onto their level and talk for hours about “kid stuff”. I struggle finding any enjoyment in imaginative play etc."
Yes I struggle with this too. It can be rewarding when you manage to have fun together but it can also be mind numbingly boring sometimes.

"I also find I am unreasonably impatient."
I surprised myself with this. I was a very impatient person before becoming a mother (I still am about most things) but I am surprised by just how much patience I have with my son most of the time. Of course I still do lose my patience with him sometimes because he's hard work!

PPs are right in that you choose your parenting style, you don't have to do "gentle parenting" and you can be strict, but whatever your approach, you WILL need some patience and you will have to deal with tantrums and bad behaviour one way or another. Obviously the idea is to minimise them but you haven't failed as a parent if your children are hard work, sometimes they just are.

"I actually found it very lonely at times so can only imagine the loneliness mothers feel."
Yes, alone time with a young child can feel very lonely.

"Also that whiney voice that kids do and how they throw a fit over trivial things."
Yep!

"I think my biggest worry would be the lack of spontaneity having kids allows. Like I love that at the last minute I can decide to go to the cinema or pub or out for dinner. I love that some days I can do absolutely nothing and veg out at home and other days I’ll take a trip out somewhere. I. Guess I like being me and my own person. I don’t want to be “mum” who wakes up at 6am every morning, spends my weekends at the park or soft play."
Yes to most of the above. We can still be spontaneous with our kids but not for date nights, you have to organise a babysitter (unless you're lucky enough to have someone who can do it at the last minute). I really miss being able to spend all day being lazy if I feel like it! I do feel that I miss the old me. You get it back slowly but surely (I'm told!) but it's hard in the early years. And yes I can't bear soft play! I do it occasionally for a limited time ;)

The fact is that parenting is really difficult. You have some very real concerns and I don't understand why some PPs are trying to minimise them. You might find parenting unexpectedly easy, you might fall in love with your child and your new life as a parent, you might not.

Personally I feel that all the difficult stuff is worth it and you might conclude that too but you are absolutely not wrong to worry about it, you are thinking sensibly and responsibly. Consider worst and best case scenario when you make your decision.

Most people don’t like other people’s kids but find their own different, that’s completely normal.

Your life will change, and it is hard, make no mistakes about that, but the happiness and heart melting moments and times you feel your heart will literally burst with pride makes every damn hard bit worth it.

If you don’t want kids though you don’t want them and you should consider all your options.

This is a parenting site. It's v unlikely you'll find someone who's prepared to admit that they regret having their child - even in real life. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Fortunately, there are now options for women who don't want children and find themselves unexpectedly pregnant.

I second those who recommend getting advice from someone in this field. And do it before you're sucked in by those pesky pregnancy hormones. 'Every child a wanted child.' Horrendous for the child if it turns out that your forebodings are accurate.

The pregnancy choices section is usually a bit better for helpful unbiased advice, although some people are still biased of course.

Something I have noticed with a few people (obviously a small sample) people who are desperate to have children sometimes are far unhappier as a parent as they have a rosy view of how it is going to be and how perfect their child will be.

A few friends who weren't sure or even who actively were not happy about the idea have been brilliant parents and very happy with their role.

There are positives and negatives about parenting and most of us tend to say the good outweighs the bad (giving examples)

These 'magic moments' are sometimes even more so to the reluctant mum as she only focussed on the challenges beforehand

OP, I don't know if you should be a mum or not, but I'm pretty certain you shouldn't be a SAHM. All the stuff you describe is basically your life if you're at home 24/7 with a small child. It is really hard work even if it's something you've wanted and freely chosen. I work full-time atm, but I did three days a week when DS was small, and although that was something I'd actively fought for, my GOD, I was counting down the hours until he went to bed on day four. And the joy when I dropped him off at the childminder!
If you do decide to keep this child, I think you need to have a serious talk with your DP about how you're going to afford childcare and who is going to stay at home with the baby if you can't. Because being a working mum doesn't make you a bad mum. But staying at home all day with a child you resent really might.
Make sure you have options so you can return to work if you want to. You can always reassess things later.