Keep meeting men who don’t want relationships

[dodgeballchamp]

This is something that keeps repeatedly happening to me and my single female friends.

We’re all of a similar age (late 20s to early 30s) and I can think of at least 5 women I know, including me, who have had this happen to them repeatedly over the last couple of years. We’ll meet someone, have a few dates, it’ll go on and appear to be going well for a few weeks but the moment we mention we quite like them, they say they don’t want a relationship and spin some yarn about being hung up on an ex/having ‘issues’ they need to sort out etc but insist they do feel something (obviously rubbish). Before anyone says that it must be me/my friends putting them off, it’s even happened to me that I’ve started talking to a guy through a dating app and before we’ve even met, he’s said ‘just so you know, I don’t want a relationship’ and come out with similar reasons related to not being over something that happened with an ex. I’m bi and a woman I’ve had a few dates with (also bi) said the exact same thing happened to her with the last few men she dated.

I have nothing against having casual sex or not wanting a relationship in general - have had a couple of casual arrangements in the past myself. But I can’t get my head around this epidemic of men who had their ego dented once and can seemingly never have a relationship again - and it really does seem to be an epidemic. I don’t know a single man who actively wants a relationship, even among my male friends who I have no romantic interest in, the way they talk about dating and women is that they just can’t enter into anything because they don’t know what they want.

Anyone else had this problem/noticed this?

Just to add, I’m not telling people I want to marry them on the first date or anything that might be scaring them off!

It's good they're being honest enough to state they don't want a relationship.

However, it's a shame they feel they have to somehow 'justify' or over explain it.

"I enjoy dating but don't want a relationship" should be good enough.

I don’t know about men , I’ve only met one who did and didn’t want a relationship ( it was complicated lol ). So actually I’ve met most who do want relationships

Having said that there are plenty of women who have been in a similar situation and don’t want relationships

I was one of those women before I met OH and initially refused to classify our acquaintance as a relationship for quite a long time . Just didn’t feel ready to do the mind fuck , but it all worked out in the end

Don’t worry ... you know how they say you have to kiss many frogs ( I did ) x

Casual relationships have always existed but they are far more prevelant today. I have never had to deal with online dating as I have been married for twenty years but I read an online explanation that it’s like being a kid in a candy store. So many more potentials just at the swipe of a button.

We had to meet people in real life when I was young so It was much harder to meet so many people. Plus regardless of their explanations whose to say they are telling the truth. I would say those explanations are a softer blow than saying well your just not someone I want to get more serious with. Who would want to get serious with anyone who isn’t totally honest anyway.

OP are you in London by any chance? My friends and I are a similar age and have had the exact same problem for years. The last one I dated insisted he wanted a relationship and was ready when I quizzed him on it not being long since he’d ended a long term relationship and then low and behold, two weeks later I get “I just think we’re at different life stages. I don’t want anything serious” 🙄
I totally get where you’re coming from, it is seriously exhausting!

Turnedout yes we are in London! I’ve definitely noticed this doesn’t happen so much to friends I know who live in small towns, but it’s also happening a lot to a friend of mine in Manchester. It’s spreading!

Aahh makes sense. I definitely think it an issue of everyone being further behind in London in terms of buying a house and settling down which means guys are much more likely to be more interested in going out with their friends every weekend than having a girlfriend. I also wonder if it’s simply that there is so much choice 🤷🏼‍♀️
The last guy I dated was Scottish and even he mentioned the “London dating culture”. Unfortunately I have no idea what the answer is

adverse in some cases it could well be that they’re trying to soften the blow but I don’t think that’s it, because in many cases, when the man is known to our wider social group, we get to hear about him doing the exact same to someone else. And then there was the guy who said he didn’t want a relationship before I’d even met him - so how could he have known if I was or wasn’t the right person?

Like I said, I have no issue with casual things and have had that with a couple of people myself, but in almost all of these situations, the man I/my friends are dating insists they have feelings for us, but they just can’t have a relationship because of their own issues. It’s clearly bollocks, because in my mind, if you have feelings for someone why would you not give it a go? So in many ways they are stringing women along, making all the right noises about falling for them and acting like it’s becoming a relationship, but as soon as the conversation happens they run away. I honestly think they just want all the perks of a girlfriend but also want to keep their options open and not have to commit

I suppose the answer is the same as it's been for centuries.

If someone is really into someone else, they'll definitely want a relationship with that person and not want to casually date others for fun anymore.

I honestly think they just want all the perks of a girlfriend but also want to keep their options open and not have to commit

That's not a new thing at all though and there's nothing wrong with it.

Yes they could be a bit more honest, but it sounds as though they're trying to soften the blow with the "It's not you, it's me" line.

Some of the strongest relationships I know happened between people who weren't looking to settle down originally.

They just fell deeply in love and it blind-sided them.

turnedout yes I think there is a ‘London dating culture’. 99% of people I know are living in shared houses and the ones that own their own flat/house tend to be ones who’ve been in relationships for a long time so have 2 salaries to buy and have had significant help. I’m renting a flat on my own now after sharing for many years and everyone I know thinks this is incredible! Haha. But in my mind, living in a house share doesn’t preclude you from being in an exclusive relationship? You don’t have to live together or think about getting married straight away. The irony is I don’t even want to get married, and I love living alone - I just think it would be nice to have a regular person to hang out with on an exclusive basis.

The other one I’ve heard from men is that they don’t want to get into a relationship unless they’re sure it’ll last forever 🤔 which to me is ridiculous, nothing is guaranteed to be forever! Why not just enjoy it while it’s good? Needless to say they’re all still single...

Worra I think there starts to be something wrong with it when they know the woman wants more than they do and keeps stringing them along. I watched my old flatmate crying her eyes out multiple times over a guy who’d given her the ‘don’t want a relationship’ line but in the same sentence told her he had deep feelings for her and convinced her not to end their ‘situation’. Yes, she should have stood firm and told him where to go when it became apparent they wanted different things, but upon hearing she wanted a relationship and he didn’t, why did he go to so much trouble to convince her not to end it, rather than just leaving her alone?

Because he probably really liked her

Honestly, there's nothing wrong with wanting to date without commitment.

As long as the person is honest whenever 'that talk' is had, it's fine.

What's not fine is having 'that talk' and pretending you also want a relationship, when you've had enough dates with that person to realise you don't.

No there isn’t, but the moment you realise you’re hurting the other person it’s wrong to try and continue at their expense, surely? Which is exactly what he did

Yeah but from that, a proper relationship might have eventually developed, who knows? He might've just needed more time to see if it eventually lead to something.

I'm getting a very 'black and white' vibe from you on this.

You almost make dating sound like a 'transaction' or a disappointment at finding a 'product not fit for purpose'.

Whereas 'suck it and see' has always been my mantra when it comes to relationships and yes, I know that sounds a lot ruder than it needs to

They’d already been dating for about six months by this point, and she’d told him it would be too hurtful for her to continue without them making it official. At that point, in my opinion, for him to persuade her to carry on as they were but refuse to call her his gf or stop talking to other girls, was a massive dick move from him. Why should she have compromised her own feelings to give him more time?

I don’t think it’s black and white to think that if you genuinely have feelings for someone, why would you not think, let’s give this a go? I personally would not be happy dating someone I had feelings for on a non-committal basis. If both parties want that and are happy with it, absolutely fine! But in my mind, I couldn’t simultaneously have feelings for someone but also not want to make it exclusive. I don’t see why I should have to hang around giving someone more time if that arrangement makes me unhappy?

Forgive me if this sounds really old fashioned, and it reminds me of when my Grandmother asked me if I was a virgin because "men don't buy the cow if they can get the milk for free" but if you/your friends want some commitment then why are they having sex without it?
It seems a bit like the women who have several children and are then gobsmacked to find their partners don't want to get married - decide on your priorities and then act accordingly.

Casmama I’m not going to commit to someone who might be shit in bed only to find that out after the fact, am I? I enjoy having sex? Didn’t realise women weren’t allowed to do that in 2019

Which is exactly why I had reservations about my post.
I agree with everything you have said and am not articulating it well but there is definitely something there about the power balance and you/your friends being on the receiving end of the "I don't want to be in a relationship".
Perhaps it is just valuing yourselves enough to say that when you hear that you decide that you are only interested in being with people who want to be in a relationship therefore commit or leave?

I personally would not be happy dating someone I had feelings for on a non-committal basis. If both parties want that and are happy with it, absolutely fine! But in my mind, I couldn’t simultaneously have feelings for someone but also not want to make it exclusive. I don’t see why I should have to hang around giving someone more time if that arrangement makes me unhappy?

And you're perfectly entitled to feel that way, just as other men and women are perfectly entitled to feel differently.

Horses for courses as they say.

But I don't think this is exclusively a man thing, a woman thing, a London thing or any other 'thing'.

It's just the way it's always been. If someone truly finds themselves falling for another person then however much they enjoyed being free, they will want to give a relationship a go at that point.

Well yes, I do that now Casmama. Similarly to when I’ve been the one seeing/sleeping with someone I didn’t want anything serious with, if they expressed that they did, I’d end things with them because I didn’t feel like it would be fair to keep shagging them when they wanted it to be serious and I didn’t. I’ve hung around in situations hoping it would change and it never did, so now I just break it off immediately when it becomes apparent we want different things (similar to how I wouldn’t date someone who wants marriage and kids as I don’t want either)

See I might sleep wth someone I was dating knowing that they (or I) might be dating and having sex with other people...But.....I wouldn't do this for more than a few months unless you really have set it up as a friends with benefits arrangement. At some point if you like them your self esteem must surely want them to like you at least enough to stop having sex with other women, otherwise cheerio. Why would you put up with not knowing? And if they're not into you enough to stop seeing other women, well these men are just not that into you... That's all a 'realtionship' is at the beginning I like you enough to see you and stop seeing others. If it continues to be fun I'll keep doing it if not I'll stop..... It's not about having any long term intentions...Come to think of it I could still apply the same to dh, if it stops being good and enjoyable or he turned into a bit of a prick I'd leave l migbt try and talk to him to change it first because of the kids

Warra, I disagree having come out feeling very hurt and used out of such 'wait and see' arrangement lasting 1.5 years. Its damaging, traumatic and humiliating. My advice is, as soon as you see the warning signs, RUN. BLOCK. ELIMINATE EVERY TRACE.

Why conveniently provide the benefits of a relationship to a man who doesn't want one?? At your own expense?? HE DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP!! Dont waste time and emotional resources on forlornly hoping he might change his mind. They never do, and if they do, they change it back again eventually.

No human can make themselves have feelings or stop having feelings for another. But they can change their behaviour, it’s our reactions to situations we can change not our feelings. The huge mistake your friend made was being persuaded to carry on seeing the guy that didn’t want to commit. It will likely end up crushing her self esteem. He hasn’t actually done anything wrong as has been totally honest.

Having the strength to walk away is the best advice I can give in relationships. When we were all in our early thirties my friend dated a guy seriously and they became exclusive quick. She wanted marriage, they got engaged but he said it had to be a secret. I was the only person she told and I said it was totally off. I got engaged around the same time and we rang around all our relatives and friends to tell them. He just used her and left her eventually. It crushed her self esteem and she didn’t date for almost ten years. She never had dc. That’s an extreme example of allowing someone in a partnership to decide the parameters and the other going along with it just to keep the relationship. He was a massive shit stringing her along but she let it happen. I would have told him to do one.

Sounds like you do deal with your relationships, try and persuade your friends your way is a good way forward.

Pp, agree 100%. To walk away is almost humanly impossible, and that's why I couldn't. Till I was basically tossed in the bin. I should have, a month into it. Damn!!!