what is up with my husband? (not lighthearted)

[themiddlestair]

He always has to be right. Its like being wrong doesn't even occur to him - its totally beyond his ken.

Even when he is clearly and objectively wrong and demonstratively so, he will insist he is right. It's like the taming of the shrew when they are looking at the sun and he tries to get his wife to say its the moon.
He cannot understand anyone disagreeing with him or having a different point of view.
He responds to any feedback which isn't positive as criticism and reacts by defending himself or verbally attacking the person speaking to him. So whenever I try to talk about issues in our marriage - they always end up as an attack on me.

He pretty much never says sorry, over anything - he just defends himself and these defences are often pathetic or clearly untrue (but I suspect he believes them as his psychology won't allow him to accept fault). He once trod on a five years foot accidentally and shouted out an angry defence instead of saying sorry.

He has no self insight and is completely unable to reflect on himself and change and improve.
He is very emotional and completely unable to see how he is emotional - so he will be critical and aggressive and not see how he is coming across.
He forgets things which have happened which reflect badly on him ( he genuinely does seem to erase them from his memory)
He doesn't seem able to see other people as people in their own right - they only exist in terms of what they mean to him.
He is extremely poor at understanding other people's emotions or perspectives.
However he has lots of emotions and feelings of his own and is demonstrative of these.

He reminds me of a child trapped in an adults body. His inability to accept criticism or feedback and use it to grow and develop is really immature psychologically.

TBh I have lost all respect for him over the years. In fact as far as I am concerned our marriage is over.

But his behaviour is so extreme and so self destructive (he desperately wants us to stay together yet completely refuses to do any of the things I tell him I need for this to happen, even really simple practical things) that I genuinely think he has some disorder or something.

Any thoughts?

TheMiddleStair, sorry, I wasn't really advocting staying with him or even feeling sympathy for him. I don't feel much sympathy for my dh vis a vis his fear. He is 63 years old and has had ample time to deal with whatever the hell it is that is making him fearful, and has chosen not to.

I was stuck for very specific reasons, some of which I can't overcome, and the image made ot very slightly easier to live with him when he is really awful. I wanted to give credit where it's due too, to show that dh at any rate has changed a bit for the better. It has been ridiculouslyhard work and not worth it imo.

No, I hoped that perhaps some part of my post might help you get through the horribleness to come when he realises that you mean what you say.

Very very good luck to you.

He reminds me of a child trapped in an adults body. His inability to accept criticism or feedback and use it to grow and develop is really immature psychologically.

He is also an emotional coward - he won't do anything that causes him emotional discomfort - even if that means transferring all the discomfort/ shitty situation onto me instead.

His Dad beat him more times than he can remember and was very 'traditional'. His mum and dad were very close but his dad really used to belittle her.

You be careful OP. These are, as I'm sure you see, all huge red flags.

He has had terrible examples in his childhood: his father's beatings, he is emotionally unstable, "child trapped in a man's body" so the potential maybe for him to be physically abusive also when he loses control and/or he realises you are detaching or actually are leaving him.

Cover your tracks (eg your MN posts, arrangements to leave, email and banking account and electronic device passwords and PIN codes, browsing history) so you get more time to make your arrangements without arousing his suspicions.

You do sound very together but would it also be useful to speak to a counsellor (just you) so you have someone professional and neutral in real life you can talk to?

If you have not already done so you might also wish to speak to Women's Aid for advice - particularly legal advice when you are ready - and take a look at what benefits you may be able to claim. www.entitledto.co.uk

Is that you Melania?

Is that you Melania?

you might also wish to speak to Women's Aid

My GP has referred me to an early intervention scheme for people seen to be at risk of DV. Huge waiting list for counselling though.

Was interested in this thread, knowing someone with a similar problem - can I ask if things got any better?

This is not Autism and poor theory of mind doesn’t cover Autism. I say that as a diagnostic professional.
It is however a personality disorder. Narcissists are not always charmers. He is in love with what you do for him, but replace that with someone he feels enhances his life equally or more than you, he will move on. Sorry, but I married this man and in 20 odd years everyone around him changed and adapted to his needs and wants; including those with Autism, whilst he remained rigidly the same: in the right and in control. He had a girlfriend within three months of my leaving.
He has a diagnosis of covert narcissism.