what is up with my husband? (not lighthearted)

[themiddlestair]

He always has to be right. Its like being wrong doesn't even occur to him - its totally beyond his ken.

Even when he is clearly and objectively wrong and demonstratively so, he will insist he is right. It's like the taming of the shrew when they are looking at the sun and he tries to get his wife to say its the moon.
He cannot understand anyone disagreeing with him or having a different point of view.
He responds to any feedback which isn't positive as criticism and reacts by defending himself or verbally attacking the person speaking to him. So whenever I try to talk about issues in our marriage - they always end up as an attack on me.

He pretty much never says sorry, over anything - he just defends himself and these defences are often pathetic or clearly untrue (but I suspect he believes them as his psychology won't allow him to accept fault). He once trod on a five years foot accidentally and shouted out an angry defence instead of saying sorry.

He has no self insight and is completely unable to reflect on himself and change and improve.
He is very emotional and completely unable to see how he is emotional - so he will be critical and aggressive and not see how he is coming across.
He forgets things which have happened which reflect badly on him ( he genuinely does seem to erase them from his memory)
He doesn't seem able to see other people as people in their own right - they only exist in terms of what they mean to him.
He is extremely poor at understanding other people's emotions or perspectives.
However he has lots of emotions and feelings of his own and is demonstrative of these.

He reminds me of a child trapped in an adults body. His inability to accept criticism or feedback and use it to grow and develop is really immature psychologically.

TBh I have lost all respect for him over the years. In fact as far as I am concerned our marriage is over.

But his behaviour is so extreme and so self destructive (he desperately wants us to stay together yet completely refuses to do any of the things I tell him I need for this to happen, even really simple practical things) that I genuinely think he has some disorder or something.

Any thoughts?

What was his home life like?

His mum was very loving and unconditionally supportive. His Dad beat him more times than he can remember and was very 'traditional'. His mum and dad were very close but his dad really used to belittle her. He loved her but I am not sure he respected her. She did use to hold her own in responding to him though.

Probably some sort of personality disorder. Which he managed to rein in, or somehow looked magnetically attractive while you were dating, potentially because of your own background.

He falls out with everyone - he doesn't just do it to you.
He has no insight.
Everything revolves around him.

It is good you are planning to leave. Do not expect it to be amicable. Don't discuss things further with him now.

My dad is like this. My mum has had a hard marriage with him but she loves him in spite of his flaws. I guess it comes down to how much you love him- if you do not have love for him then separation is for the best.It is possible for someone to have the traits you describe and for someone to still be able to find other qualities that enable them to love the person but it does not sound like this is your case.

OP this is Dysfunctional or Poor Theory of Mind .
It can be related to Autism,Schizophrenia , Childhood Trauma or Dysfunctional Parenting.
Theory of Mind relates to the way in which we develop emotionally and how we understand how others think and feel.

Someone with Poor Theory of Mind does not recognise that others have different thoughts or feelings to them, that others understand their thoughts or emotions( by observation/ empathy) and they dont understand that others have no knowledge of their thoughts or beliefs.
I have a relative with this -its exhausting

My dad was spoilt as a child and doted on by his self involved mother- this was the start of his personality problems in my mum's analysis.....he also witnessed a non harmonious relationship between his parents who fought a lot.

I have a foster son who I think will grow up to be just like your husband.
He has been diagnosed with ADHD and ASD with PDA.
Our lives are just one big argument, it’s very stressful to live like this.
I am hoping he can get some help through some sort of therapy as his emotional health is not good.
If not I can see him going through his life like your husband.

I guess it comes down to how much you love him

God I don't love him at all. I used to, very very much. But his behaviour has destroyed that completely. I hold him in absolute contempt now.

It won't be amicable when we split. He will have to spin that as me being evil. He won't be able to accept fault.

I've sure had to do a lot of learning about myself to understand why I was so unable to see this relationship for what it was for so long. I really can't have thought much of myself to put up with it.

its exhausting

Yes it is. Utterly. The hopelessness is exhausting too. The fact that you will never, ever get anywhere, get heard or see any improvement at all, ever. It is exhausting.

If I ever have another relationship I will have to try and avoid the same mistakes. In fact a guy asked me on a night out. I went and had a nice time but he was really flaky and hot and cold messages both in organising the night out and afterwards and I found myself automatically making lots of excuses for him. At least I recognised I was doing it and decided not to see him again. That's progress I suppose!

Don't show him this thread, but print out your opening post and give it to him.

The only way I get through to dh is by writing things down and leaving it with him. I have found text and email are good. I use text to tell him he MUST spologise to dd for something (and sometimes how to do it), and I have used email when he has done something which has enraged me but after writing out my ire (and not sending it) I've found myself just really sad, so have rewritten and sent.

He was exactly like your dh, but having texted, written and emailed a few times, I have found he listens a bit harder when I speak. It is better if I can wait until my emotions are under control, so I might snap in reaction to something, but later I will try to speak calmly and sensibly.

He has become much easier to live with over the years since I discovered this way of doing things. He responds much better to the written word, whatever medium I use.

At the base of it, in dh anyway, is fear. He is a terrified little boy striking out at any and all possible threats.

I don't think I can live with it forever though.

The only way I get through to dh is by writing things down and leaving it with him

No. This doesn't work. All he does is see an attack and a need to defend himself. I absolutely refuse to go back to thinking 'if only I can find the right way to communicate'. The problem is not how I communicate but that he doesn't want to listen.

At the base of it, in dh anyway, is fear. He is a terrified little boy striking out at any and all possible threats

Nothing could make me feel sympathy for him. Spent too long feeling sorry for him but not for myself. ALl my sympathy is reserved for myself now.

Not narcissistic IMO, but sounds like suffering from sociopathy.

And I mean suffering with it. It's innate. You can be sociopathic without being charming.

Leave obviously, you don't have to be in a relationship like this.

Poor parenting, highly abusive experiences in childhood - there are all the foundations there for a personality disorder.

It is possible to feel sorry for what has happened to him as a child and not want to have anything to do with him as an adult because he is unbearable.

You mention him kicking off at a nightclub bouncer - does he have any history with the police/ getting into trouble with the law? Is he quite impulsive or finds he gets bored easily?

You could be talking about my ex.
Never wrong ever.

His opinion is just a fact. Your opinion, unless it’s the same as his, is just wrong.
Doesn’t deal with anything he finds hard or difficult.

Never says sorry ever. Over the course of 20 years, he apologised twice.

They’re certainly the classic narcissist traits.

The only difference is that he is kind of charming when you meet him. He can be witty, although it’s humour based on being mean about others. The classic ‘banter’.

He was awful to live with and I’m glad every single day I don’t wake up in the same house as him anymore.

Similar here. He's an ex now, and the DCs have chosen not to be in contact with him. Youngest is 15, so I left it to them to choose.

does he have any history with the police/ getting into trouble with the law? Is he quite impulsive or finds he gets bored easily?

No, not in trouble with the police, he doesn't actually like aggro from other people - and he would certainly never want to get into a physical fight. He didn't so much kick off at the bouncer, just went to an enormous rant - it doesn't occur to him that another person may be taking offence - because they are not on his mind.

He can be quite impulsive though - has made a major impulsive and stupid purchase I was furious about and I have had to stop him from making others. And if there is something he wants to be true he will interpret everything in favour of that outcome, so essentially misinterpret completely what people have said or circumstances in a way that is favourable what he wants to achieve or acquire, even when that is clearly a misinterpretation.

Its not that he doesnt want to listen OP
He cant -his brain doesnt process that other people have feelings or thoughts that are separate to his.
Just get out as soon as you can

I guess it comes down to how much you love him- if you do not have love for him then separation is for the best.

Otherwise known as the Disney Theory of Relationships. Or the Eastenders version, "I know he's a psycho, Chelle but I luuuuve him".

IRL we have love but can hopefully separate that from what is healthy and good for us. And choose what is healthy and good.

My ex was like this, woe betide me if I was in his presence if he was found out wrong about something as it was me that would bear the brunt of his aggressive anger, not physical but enraged shouting millimetres from my face.

It could be something trivial such as him saying such and such an actor was in a certain film and when someone (not me) would point out it was actually someone else he would turn puce and then later on he would rant and rage about it to me.

He would never listen to any advice either. His daughter got given a goldfish and he agreed to let her keep it at his. When it was time to change the tank I mentioned he needed to take the fish out and whatever he put fish into whilst cleaning the tank the water should not be straight from the tap and should stand for awhile before putting the fish in.

He smirked and said that was rubbish as then his daughter (upset and crying) told me later he had dumped the fish in an empty bucket in the garden and then blasted the hosepipe in the bucket. The fish died straight away.

People who are never wrong are usually cruel and belligerent arseholes.

Yep - not listening to advice, killing the goldfish and not being remorseful. Trait of antisocial personality disorder.

The poor daughter (and fish)

He cant -his brain doesnt process that other people have feelings or thoughts that are separate to his

I am not sure I believe this is always the case. He has an abstract sense of morality. And hence thinks of himself as a good person. Its just he would never put another person or moral principle about his self serving interests.

I also thing the need to be constantly right is a compounding factor. I think that is one of his main drives. If you have a desperate need to always be right - you have to discard what other people say (unless they are praising you.)'

that should have said 'ABOVE his self serving interests'

And also ' I also THINK..'

Sigh.