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Update on DS who was abused by a "friend" - TRIGGER WARNING

54 replies

MyNewNameForNow · 16/05/2019 18:54

I posted a couple of weeks ago about DS (early teen) who disclosed sexual abuse. I had promised I wouldn't tell the police when he said "if I tell you sth do you promise...".

Due to the strength of feeling on my post (which I subsequently asked to be removed) i did pursue things, very gently. I won't go into detail but the boy is already known to the police/child services and DS is giving a video interview next week.

I've handled it very carefully with DS and we've talked a lot about how I was wrong to make a promise I potentially couldn't keep. I should have known better given I was a victim of abuse for many years. I didn't tell anyone until I was in my 40s, some 30 years later.

I'm so proud of him.

Thank you all for telling me what I needed and wanted to hear.

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MyNewNameForNow · 23/05/2019 11:54

Thank you. I don't feel all that wonderful tbh. I feel like I didn't keep my child safe. Someone from a charity is calling me back later. I need to get him the support he needs and I need him to have tools to help him cope with being at school with this boy, if that's what it comes down to. I wonder if the school can expel the boy, but it didn't happen on school property so I'm not sure that will be an option.

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MyNewNameForNow · 30/05/2019 08:19

School are being wholly unimpressive and yesterday I wrote to the Chair of Governors. Does anyone know what action Social/Child Services will likely take in relation to keeping my son and other children safe, and getting this boy the help he clearly needs?

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FudgeBrownie2019 · 30/05/2019 08:26

The difficulty that school will face is that they still have the responsibility to educate the boy, as well as your DS, so there's a good chance the boy will remain on the school's books and attending school.

I don't know if it's happened so far but could you ask for the Head to arrange a meeting between the DSL, you and the Chair of Gov's to formalise how you're all going to support DS and ensure that he accesses school whilst feeling so vulnerable? In all honesty, things like this could potentially take time to organise (though in your shoes I'd want them now). School won't be able to tell you what they're doing in relation to the boy, nor will SS, so when you do meet them make sure your focus is entirely on your DS, keeping him safe and ensuring his wellbeing. That way they can't refuse to answer or offer solution.

Flowers To you both. You might not feel like it, but you're doing incredibly well.

MyNewNameForNow · 30/05/2019 08:41

Thank you. According to Government Guidelines the HT could choose to permanently excluded the boy and there are several schools in the area, including one less than a mile away. I have read that it is highly unlikely that they will exclude. I wonder on what grounds they ever do, if any? This boy has carried out at least 3 serious offences under the Sexual Offences Act. We've since found messages he sent DS 2 days before the attach asking DS to get some alcohol which he'll pay for (DS would never do this, but the point is it was premeditated and he wanted DS to be even more vulnerable).

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FudgeBrownie2019 · 30/05/2019 08:50

The HT could, but would have to go through several processes before taking the decision to do that, and none of the processes will be swift.

Ultimately, could you be ok with the boy remaining in the school and being kept a set distance from your DS at all times if school could offer that, or do you feel that you want to push for him to be excluded permanently?

Oblomov19 · 30/05/2019 08:53

Poor you. Poor ds.

I have no knowledge/experience/idea what the school is expected to do in the situation. But playing devils advocate, the other boys mum will surely argue nothing, until reasonable evidence is submitted.

I too fear this stage for him is only just beginning and the teasing could get quite nasty when it all gets out?

MyNewNameForNow · 30/05/2019 08:56

Given that he is already known to SS and the police, and the seriousness of his assault on DS plus the fact that he groomed him I really do think he's a danger to other children. TBH I dread reading his name in a newspaper one day

I don't see how they can keep them separate. How will they manage that? What about offsite school trips (one coming up in July for end of year to a theme park).

I don't see why they can't move him to the school down the road, with a warning to the staff there that he needs watching.

If we were adults and it happened at work he'd likely be fired.

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DogsandBoysmeanMud · 30/05/2019 08:56

How do I pm you?? Or can you pm me!

MyNewNameForNow · 30/05/2019 09:00

The HT can exclude a pupil for a breach of the school policies (including events off-site), of which this is. Also, from Government guidelines:-

“When establishing the facts in relation to an exclusion decision the head teacher must apply the civil standard of proof; i.e. ‘on the balance of probabilities’ it is more likely than not that a fact is true, rather than the criminal standard of ‘beyond reasonable doubt.’ This means that the head teacher should accept that something happened if it is more likely that it happened than that it did not happen.”

There is definitely enough evidence to permanently excluded the boy.

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differentnameforthis · 30/05/2019 09:00

I didn't see your other thread, but if the school acknowledge and believe that attack took place, surely they are failing in their duty of care to your son to make him continue lessons with his attacker!!

Safeguarding 101, surely!??

MyNewNameForNow · 30/05/2019 09:03

Also what about what if the child is making friends with another boy? As a parent you just trust that a couple of boys should be able to hang out together right? It wouldn't even enter their heads that your son's new BFF is a sexual deviant whose behaviour has already escalated.

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differentnameforthis · 30/05/2019 09:07

I would want to know about it if he friended my ds (I don't have a ds, but still) and I would livid if the school knew what he did and didn't tell me! How many more victims does he need to have before someone will do something??

Butterflystar76 · 30/05/2019 09:09

I’m so sorry to hear about this, you have done brilliantly.
Have a look at the schools safeguarding policy which should be on their website. In it they should state how they will deal with peer on peer abuse, which is a relatively new phrase in school safeguarding,

MyNewNameForNow · 30/05/2019 09:23

Thank you. Yes I've looked at their safeguarding policy and quoted it at them in my letter.

I honestly think they have never dealt with sth like this before.

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MyNewNameForNow · 30/05/2019 09:35

I've PM'd you dogs.

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DogsandBoysmeanMud · 30/05/2019 09:42

I've answered.

PhillisPearce · 30/05/2019 09:54

I remember your original post. So glad that your son found the strength to give evidence. You sound amazing too
The school have a duty of care to protect all children in their care so the probability is that they would exclude him as it outweighs the other boys rights to an education at that school, in my opinion

AuntMarch · 30/05/2019 10:02

I honestly think they have never dealt with sth like this before.

I hope they haven't! It would be awful to think this was that common.
I didn't see your previous post but wanted to say it sounds like you're doing everything right.

How old is this boy? Kids don't do things like this normally- there will be massive safe guarding concerns regarding his past experiences. As much as the instinct is of course that he should be punished, and absolutely there should be consequences, things will be done to meet his needs and give him the best possible chance of turning his life around.
That does not mean your son should have to see him though. It is possible to keep children separated!

MyNewNameForNow · 30/05/2019 10:06

They have just turned 14. I agree that the other boy needs safeguarding. TBH I'm shocked that the police interviewed him with his father present.

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LJS79 · 30/05/2019 10:44

@MyNewNameForNow
They have to have an adult present when he is interviewed. If a parent is available and willing and not a witness in the case it's usually them.

MyNewNameForNow · 30/05/2019 10:58

And if the dad is abusing the boy? Would they not think that that could be a possibility?

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Farahilda · 30/05/2019 11:03

If there is a need for an adult present, and the parents cannot be (because they might be involved somehow) then normally the person present would be an adult friend of the family (ie an adult known to the child) who is acceptable to all parties, or a social worker, or a specially trained 'appropriate adult'.

MyNewNameForNow · 13/06/2019 12:35

I feel at the end of my tether. The boy is still at school. My son sees him several times a day, including in the toilet, although school have now told the other boy to use one toilet block (although they forgot to tell DS this). We have had a meeting with the Head and Safeguarding Lead. We have another meeting on Friday.

Despite the boy being told by the police, the school, and his parents he is talking about this: yesterday another boy approached DS and said "why didn't you think about Little Shit's feelings before you reported him to the police" and "LS said you touched him first and I believe him". (This third party boy told DS a couple of weeks ago "he tried to touch me up a few times in Y8. I punched him and he stopped". The two are now friends. Very odd.

DS has now missed 4 days of school over the last 2 weeks. School have not punished the boy at all (school's policy attached). He's been spoken to by the HoY and his parents were called in. There has been no suspension or detention or anything. The police investivation is ongoing.

I wonder if we have any sort of legal recourse, based on the following:-

Department of Education's Exclusion Guidelines:-
There is no list of set behaviours for which a pupil can and cannot be excluded, and the decision to exclude lies with the head teacher. Head teachers can only exclude a pupil for a disciplinary reason (e.g. because their behaviour violates the school’s behaviour policy). They cannot, for example, exclude a pupil for academic performance/ability, or simply because they have additional needs or a disability that the school feels it is unable to meet. A head teacher can exclude for behaviour outside of school, or for repeatedly disobeying academic instructions.”

“When establishing the facts in relation to an exclusion decision the head teacher must apply the civil standard of proof; i.e. ‘on the balance of probabilities’ it is more likely than not that a fact is true, rather than the criminal standard of ‘beyond reasonable doubt.’ This means that the head teacher should accept that something happened if it is more likely that it happened than that it did not happen.”

(My first question in our previous meeting was "do you believe DS" because I wanted this established for the above reason.

Keeping children safe in education:-
“Schools and colleges should not wait for the outcome (or even the start) of a children’s social care investigation before protecting the victim and other children in the school or college. It will be important for the designated safeguarding lead (or a deputy) to work closely with children’s social care (and other agencies as required) to ensure any actions the school or college takes do not jeopardise a statutory investigation. The risk assessment as per paragraph 248 will help inform any decision. Consideration of safeguarding the victim, alleged perpetrator, any other children directly involved in the safeguarding report and all children at the school or college should be immediate.”

I feel like school are doing nothing. They were very slow to react (2 weeks had passed since first disclosure), apparently then emails I sent with my concerns were not received.

DS finally got his phone back from the police yesterday (the other boy's has been sent off for more detailed analysis). Yesterday when DS messaged me to say "they're talking about it, they're saying I touched LS first etc." and I emailed the school (I am recording every little thing) DS was told by the safeguarding lead/Deputy Head "maybe it's not a good idea to message your mum in the day". But he's scared and upset, and worried about losing his new group of friends etc.

We're doing all we can at this end. He has started counselling with a therapist who specialises in trauma and child sex abuse. I just feel like I don't feel "wow, school are handling this well and we don't need to worry about him there" at least.

Is there anything we could or should be doing? Is their lack of action reasonable?

Update on DS who was abused by a "friend" - TRIGGER WARNING
OP posts:
MyNewNameForNow · 13/06/2019 18:25

Bump

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Unicorndiva · 13/06/2019 18:41

I’m so sorry you are going through this. If I’m completely honest - I’d remove my child from that school.. there is no way I’d allow any communication or opportunity to happen, so if the school aren’t willing to help your son but keeping him safe then I’d remove and re enrol in a new school from September.. (I wish my parents had of done this for me, seeing my abuser in school laughing and carrying on without a care in the world still haunts me some what 20 years later)

You sound an amazing mum and I wish you both all the best for the outcome your son deserves!