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Original poster

DD thinks she's a boy- Advice please?

20 replies

Elephantie · 15/05/2019 20:23

14 year old DD has mentioned feeling a bit confused in past but today she told me she thinks she's transgender. She's always been quite "tomboyish", usually wears sporty clothes, always has her hair up, only wears a bit of makeup, likes football. She's only ever worn dresses and skirts for special occasions. I can see why she'd feel confused when most the things she does are associated with being male but I don't think that necessarily means she is. She said she doesn't feel comfortable in her body, doesn't like her breasts, the thing is i remember feeling that way at her age, puberty is an odd thing, your body changing massively in a short few years, it took me a long time to get used to the way I looked and feeling comfortable and that might be the case for her. It's hard to know what to say to her really, I'm glad she feels she can come to me and tell me how she feels but I have a certain view that the way you like to dress and appear doesn't determine your sex, you can have short hair and dress in a masculine way and still be a women. I also think she might just be going through a phase as a teenager

OP posts:

Apileofballyhoo · 15/05/2019 20:35

Maybe she doesn't have a gender. A lot of people feel they don't fit into the traditional roles that society assigns to men and women.

She's always been quite "tomboyish", usually wears sporty clothes, always has her hair up, only wears a bit of makeup, likes football. She's only ever worn dresses and skirts for special occasions.

This is still me except I'm not massively keen on sport. I'm not a man though. I just don't like make up or wearing dresses or skirts or heels, though I will for a special occasion. I feel uncomfortable and not myself and I couldn't be bothered generally. I like comfortable clothes that are quite mannish I suppose. I like science and maths and stuff like that. I hate cooking. I have no interest in doing up the house.

Breasts are a pain in the arse and so are periods. There's nothing good about either of them. I'd swap in a heartbeat to be physically stronger and taller but I don't have the right chromosomes for that.

Haworthia · 15/05/2019 20:39

Sadly, social contagion is rife and lots of non-gender conforming, “tomboyish” girls are being lead to believe that this makes them trans.

Like the only way to be female is to look like Kylie Jenner.

I don’t know how to fight it, except to say that it’s OK ago dress how you want, have your hair how you want, reject make up, reject stereotypical femininity... but you can’t change your sex. She needs to know that it’s totally normal to feel uncomfortable or even dislike her changing body, and it’s normal to feel confused about who she is.

FunkySnidge · 15/05/2019 20:42

What Haworthia said.

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Alwaysgrey · 15/05/2019 20:43

I felt the same way at her age. I hated being a girl. I also didn’t have the same interest as most of the girls at school so I felt different and disconnected to my gender and to people in general. I definitely have a steer towards male clothes even for my kids. I don’t wish to be a man. I have adhd so whether that makes any difference I don’t know. She’s not gay?

MrsKCastle · 15/05/2019 20:44

Have you asked her what she thinks it means to be a 'boy' or a 'girl'? Would she be more comfortable to think in terms of 'male' and 'female' which are neutral, scientific definitions? Does she realise that many people don't feel that they have a 'gender'? I would be supportive, while gently discussing and questioning her ideas about gender and sex.

Original poster

Elephantie · 15/05/2019 20:49

She came out as bisexual about a year ago,

OP posts:

Original poster

Elephantie · 15/05/2019 20:51

She basically described it as just having this feeling and feeling like she's male which I have to admit I struggle to understand as I've never felt practically female personally

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 15/05/2019 20:51

I would try and gently discuss the difference between biological sex and gender with her.

She is female biologically and always will be.

But the idea of 'gender' is a bit silly and it's fine if she feels she doesn't fit a specific definition of 'girl'. Her hair, hobbies and clothes choices are aspects of her personality and not her sex.

Chocolate35 · 15/05/2019 20:58

I was that tomboy! Loved climbing trees and getting messy, hated my boobs. I’m now the “girliest” one in my group of friends. Hormones are all over the place at that age. Tell her she doesn’t need to decide anything, she’s just {insert name}. It could well be a phase or it could be deeper. Listen to her when she talks so you validate her feelings but let her know she doesn’t have to decide anything. Your daughter is probably quite typical of LOADS of girls and boys her age with the confusion.

Apileofballyhoo · 15/05/2019 20:59

I was wondering if she was gay as I think at that age if I were gay and it was nowadays I might have been questioning my 'gender'.

MrsKCastle · 15/05/2019 21:04

Has she explained in what way she 'feels like she's male'? Just keep talking. Be interested and sympathetic, but also honest. If you don't 'feel female', tell her that.

This idea that we all have a gender is new. Yes, there have been trans people for a long time, but the idea that we should 'feel like' or 'identify as' boy/girl/man/woman is not universally accepted.

Sexnotgender · 15/05/2019 21:11

Ask her what she thinks a boy is?

As a PP said social contagion is absolutely rife. Poor kids get totally caught up in it.

Encourage her to be gender non conforming, gender is a load of bloody nonsense anyway but ensure she understands you cannot change your biological sex.

Shockers · 15/05/2019 21:31

I wore boys clothes and rode a boys bike at 12. I just liked them better. I liked sailing and outdoor activities- swam in the sea almost every day, even in winter. Most of my friends were boys.

Thing is, it seemed to be acceptable then, and whilst I was called a tomboy, nobody ever suggested that I was ‘in the wrong body’.

I’m perfectly happy as a woman now I’m an adult, yet I still prefer comfortable clothes, and trousers. Not following society’s gender stereotypes doesn’t make someone trans curious and I wish it wasn’t suggested to children that it did.

BlueSkiesLies · 15/05/2019 22:14

She can be a girl and not like pink dresses.

Focus on women who don’t conform to the bullshit stereotypes with her. Discuss how it’s totally fine to like football and tracksuit bottoms over make up and ballet. Don’t dismiss her feelings but largely this trans thing is such god awful harmful bollocks really.... it’s hard not to.

BlueSkiesLies · 15/05/2019 22:15

Get her seeing some really cool and strong female role models. This girl can type of stuff.

Women and girls playing sport but you know, still being girls.

Does she thing the women’s U.K. football team are all wanting to be men? What about the amazing female climbers? Or snowboarders? Skateboarders?

VampireSlayer19 · 15/05/2019 22:23

I would just encourage that she doesn’t need to conform to perceived expectations of being a girl to be happy. It could turn out she is transgender but right now she might just be confused and with all the publicity looking for some title to belong to.

She can wear what chooses be it more ‘boyish’ (eugh) clothes and just need to not make her feel bad about it and accept her choices.

Also try to show her none girly girl (again Eugh) role models such as Gwendoline Christie, Jodie Foster, Maisie Williams, the lass from Stranger Things.

It could be she is transgender but right now could just be she is confused and trying to relate and feels should be in a specific box.

I hope you and your daughter feel better

VladmirsPoutine · 15/05/2019 22:34

Tread softly OP - at 14 there's a lot more influences that could sway her indeed if you come across as too reactionary wrt her 'feeling' like a boy. Keep it an open discussion and as PP say - do discuss that wearing a dress does not a woman make, neither does liking football makes a man. I hope it's a phase and indeed many young people at one or two times have felt awkward in their bodies, so to speak. The difference is back when we were young there wasn't a very strong lobby falling over itself to embrace our 'growing pains' as testimony that we were indeed born the wrong sex.

TinselAngel · 16/05/2019 08:07

Families of trans kids/teens/adults www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3505685-families-of-trans-kids-teens-adults

This thread in FWR might be helpful.

Haworthia · 16/05/2019 13:34

I also think it’s telling that she came out as bisexual at 13. It seems to be another internet/social media driven thing, to make grand statements about sexuality at such a young age, presumably with close to zero actual experience with boys or girls?

I remember having zero interest in boys at that age. I could easily have been convinced by outside forces that that meant I couldn’t be entirely heterosexual. I also would have jumped at the chance to identify out of the pressures of being a girl (pressure to look and act a certain way, pressure to show an interest in boys and sexual stuff) and if gender questioning was the way to do it, so be it.

It’s shit being a teenage girl. I feel for you OP.

Lumene · 16/05/2019 13:38

Maybe she doesn't have a gender. A lot of people feel they don't fit into the traditional roles that society assigns to men and women.

Me too but this doesn’t mean i’m a different sex because I don’t fit into stereotypes. As long as she’s talking about gender roles not feeling the need to have surgery/take drugs because of this fine.

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