Families of trans kids/teens/adults

[Moominfan]

Anyone in need of a support thread? I know I am. My sibling is f2m and it's devastating. They want to mutilate their body beyond recognition because they hate it and everyone else in the family is cheering them on. I'm the bad guy because I'm not supporting them how they want. Would love to hear from others and how they're coping. In real life I only know one mum who has an autistic daughter who's currently on puberty blockers, even though puberty has been and gone. Said it's making them really ill and is putting a brave face on.

Bump anyone?

Hi Moominfan.

So sorry to hear you're going through this, my eldest son has told me his trans. He hasn't said anything else since he first mentioned it, so I'm hoping he might change his mind. It's still always on my mind and it's hard not being able to talk to people about it. 

I feel like I'm in a black mirror episode. People seem to behave like it's a good thing. All I see is a perfectly healthy body that my sister has issues with. How much time has passed since he mentioned it?

We might have chatted before. My sister, who has aspergers, has been going through this phase for a few years. Previously she was just gender non conforming, as a lot of women are - ie she was good at diy, had short hair, very practical, good at sport. Makes me sick.that her friends tell her these qualities make her a man. I thought we left those sexist tropes in the 70s.

It was a week before Christmas. He's on the spectrum. I want to tell him how ridiculous it all is but have to go very gently so I don't push him away. I said he hadn't convinced me he was a woman. ( but more tactfully) He acted like he really hated me for a while, couldn't be near me.

Still can't decided wether to bring it up to talk about it or leave it alone. Have to close mumsnet when he's around as he's very anti, wonder where he got that...?

I have posted before. My sister came out a year ago and went to Nhs dr but they forgot to do the referral so has now gone private. Got her first appointment coming up. I was hoping that the time spent waiting she might discover herself more. She doesn't get out much or have many friends. Similar to your sister not gender conforming at all. She told she wants to be her true self but the irony of taking hormones and surgery is lost on her.

Funnily enough she also hates Mumsnet and ridicules feminism. Does your son speak to anyone else? My sister won't talk to me at all just my other siblings who think it's great

My DD (14) says she thinks she should be a boy. This started less than a year ago. It's really upsetting.

No family members myself. But I now have three good friends whose daughters are FtM. When the third one told me, she was taken aback that my reaction wasn't wholeheartedly positive. Apparently I was the first person to say -- take it cautiously, check what they're reading online, think about whether your (distressing) current family situation might be a factor, make sure you get proper advice. The school had gone straight to a state of 'Whoopee, our first transkid, get the pronouns and the register changed!' before even talking to the parents, from what she was saying.

Bless so sorry 14 is so young, let's just hope it passes. Trying to tell a young person what they feel is temporary never seems to go down well, it's pushed my sister further in other direction

Dodo have they spent time researching what their kids going to go through? I wonder what the literature available covers? I'd like to hope atleast a few of the school staff are apprehensive but can't stick their head above parapet for fear of back lash. People have told me it's the same as homophobia and it's just new and I need to get my head around it

They're so far from homophobic it's almost funny -- the kind of family who probably would think they were doing something wrong if one of their kids wasn't gay.

Goodness knows what literature if any they've seen. It did sound like the school's reaction was all 'Gosh how lovely! Rainbows for everyone!' rather than 'What are the medical implications and how can we support your child's mental health needs as they contemplate some life-changing decisions?'

It's so bloody nauseating

I have a teen who identifies as transgender.

It's been around 7 years now so we were going through this before it became what it is now.

It was really hard to start with. Now, in a lot of ways, it's more difficult. There's nobody challenging, no mental health help, everything is so positive, to the point of brainwashing.

This shouldn't be an easy path.

I have been supportive since around 18 months into my child telling me they feel this way.

My support has helped so much, and my child knowing that I am there means I can discuss every single aspect if this without being accused of transphobia.

It's very difficult, but ultimately I think being supportive but questioning is the way forward. You don't have to agree with everything to be supportive.

Sorry I disappeared. I've been away for a bit and forgot about this thread till now.

Someone posted a link to this book on another thread. You might find something helpful there?

go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06Y39GXWF/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21

Hello bless? How are things with you? I've got two siblings one which is trans not talking to me. Made the horrific suggestion that therapy is probably a good starting point rather than hormone therapy.

Thanks optimist will take a look

I have a cousin in late teens recently come out as trans (m2f/nonbinaryish) and TBH, with them it makes perfect sense of everything we know about them literally since they could talk, and I feel that their exploring it, whatever the outcome, won't do them any harm and will probably be good for them.

But I totally get that if, for example, one of my teenage nieces was to suddenly declare she was male, I'd be thinking 'Whoa, this makes no sense and has come out of nowhere, so it can't be right and she needs help to identify what the issue truly is' (and I think the family would think so too). So I totally understand that not accepting a child's 'transness' can be an act of compassion and love, not transphobia.

My siblings never been stereotypically feminine, I think it's so sad that to feel they content they want to alter their body so much. Used the words be their true self. The irony of taking lots of drugs, hormones and potentially going through surgery seems lost on them. I can't help but wonder if there were butch female role models they wouldn't feel the need to do this.

I have a female born child who is FTm. Told us at age 18 after a period of horrible depression and anxiety. Has always been GNC but never ever previously said she wanted to be a boy. We now know she is autistic. It is honestly the hardest thing I have dealt with. We are supportive - name change, official documents changed etc, but the longer it goes (2 years plus) on the more convinced I am that she is not transgender. I am so grateful that the waiting list for the gender clinic is so long, and I dread the appointment coming. But whatever the outcome she will always have our love and support.

Most of all I am so angry that non conforming, vulnerable young people are being cheerleaded into cosmetic surgery and a lifetime of dependence on chemical, like that is a good thing.

Sorry. Link went wrong. This is the book.

www.amazon.co.uk/When-Harry-Became-Sally-Transgender-ebook/dp/B06Y39GXWF

Soloclarinet, my heart goes out to you and your child. That was me at 18 saying I was a boy. I am autistic too. What helped me is when people asked what I meant by "a boy"? And then when I answered with sex stereotypes they pointed out that these were sex stereotypes and asked if I could think of anything that wasn't a sex stereotype. That helped me reflect. Not all at once but over a couple of years those questions kept on coming back to me.

I'm sure you did all this already, sorry if I am giving unhelpful suggestions.

It is much different now than when I was that age (only 13years ago, but a lot has changed). There is much more pressure on young people know from trans activist types and the whole culture of trans stuff being what most nonconforming children now identify with.

As an autistic teen it is very hard not to want to join with something which might give you more social points or cool points. I think it's also a way for undiagnosed AS teens to get their difference recognised by adults, especially if they didn't always know about being AS. Best of luck.

Redrose - thank you for your kind and helpful reply. I really hope that time and love and maturity will work its magic. I really think that if she had been born a few years earlier or a few years later, we wouldn't be here now.

I have NC to reply but am interested in this conversation. DD (17) told me she was trans about 6 months ago (f2m) after she had been spending a lot of time online. She says I am not supportive and changed her name at college to a general male/female name. But it is the mention of AS/autism that interests me as we are going to a diagnosis. She has a tendancy to obsess/become totally focussed on things and I worry that this is one of those things.

She has a different persona online (her older DS watches and keeps me informed) and although she has times when she insists she hates her body/name/life I am struggling to believe she is actually trans which she thinks is me being transophobic. She has difficult in social situations in real life which makes her feel different to other people, however she has not until recently said she was a boy. She might not have been particularly 'girly' for a few years but neither am I. I worry that the time spent online, talking to a certain group of people is similar to the brainwashing mentioned by a PP. She has just changed her name (waiting for the document) but isn't insisting we use it at home and I feel it was done almost as a dare, because she told everyone she was going to do it iyswim. I'm really struggling with it to be honest, I want to support her but just don't know if she is being genuine or not.

I think you're probably right. I'm wishing you all the best and I hope that you manage to all get through it. You seem like a really caring mum and it's good she has your support.