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Original poster

Would it be terrible to take my toddler to a formal-ish lunch?

72 replies

Diorissimo1985 · 13/05/2019 20:08

...because I think it would Confused

DSIL and DBIL have organised a surprise birthday lunch for MIL's 60th at a very fancy London hotel. It's not private dining so I assume we will be in the main restaurant.

It will be MIL, all her children plus partners and our DD who will be 19 months (only grandchild).

I'm very nervous about it - DD will only tolerate being in a high chair for 10 mins while she eats and I think it will be a long celebratory lunch in swanky surroundings. I told DH I thought it might best if DD and me didn't go but he (and all his siblings) are insisting MIL will be very sad if her grandchild isn't there.

Am I being precious? I just imagine spending the whole meal away from the table with toddling DD or picking up food from the floor. Is it inappropriate to take her? Or should I just bite the bullet? Would appreciate opinions please!

OP posts:
7salmonswimming · 13/05/2019 20:39

Terrible idea. And so obviously so that I would assume that whoever did the inviting specifically didn’t want you and DD there. It’s all very well saying MIL would want DD there, the reality is that everyone would be on edge and anxious and rush the meal, because you will be anxious and on edge and want to get out of there. It wouldn’t be enjoyable for anyone.

That said, what’s the alternative? It’s a milestone birthday and this kind of venue and timing is what MIL would enjoy. She just needs to choose between enjoying it, with you and DD missing, and not making the most of it with all of you present.

ThisIsTheEndgame · 13/05/2019 20:42

Both my two DC were, like a pp, at peak PITA at 19 months. I just managed to get DS to sit through brunch in a very family friendly cafe with my whole family entertaining him for my DM's birthday at that age, and it was with food he likes, lots of novel company, a good run round the park previously, and Little Baby Bum on the tablet towards the end. One course brunch in a place with decent service. No WAY would I be paying for a posh lunch that I had less than 50% chance of eating. Take him to a park nearby with sandwiches and pop in at the very end to say hello.

dustarr73 · 13/05/2019 20:44

If you where in a private area,and could park dc in a pram for a sleep.Yes i would bring them.

Main dining area with out patrons,a big fat no.
Theres nothing worse than going somewhere nice for lunch,without your own kids.And somebody brings theirs.

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takingthelongwayround · 13/05/2019 20:44

To those saying the OP is precious, it really does depend on the child. Yes some can be occupied with books and sitting on knees, but a fizz bomb like mine managed 20 minutes in a highchair and ended up eating snacks we had brought because fancy places (in our case a golf club) really don't run to a toddler timetable. That's before you try and find somewhere to play that doesn't incur the wrath/judgement/stinkeye of grownups trying to enjoy a grownup time.
If you think it is going to be terrible, it probably will be. My suggestion to keep the peace would be plan to attend for a little bit so grandparent gets the cuddle and the photo op and then have an exit plan to a nearby park or similar. Don't end up being the people with CBeebies on the iPhone and mashed up biscuit everywhere with a wired/bored/exploding child while an entire golf club either tuts behind your back or tells you off to your face. Still resent FIL for that one.

Baloonphobia · 13/05/2019 20:46

Go but make it clear DH is in charge of toddler entertaining.

Nettleskeins · 13/05/2019 20:47

What about if you go, and just don't stay for the entire event.

Maybe what your dh is picking up on is that you are not very keen to go to this event anyway and possibly using your dd as an excuse. And I completely sympathise, it used to make me quite angry the way people would insist I fitted my new life into their old life and way of doing things. However, there is a middle way, which is to make the effort to go, but stand your ground on the possibility that you will be leaving if things get dicey..and have a backup plan to go to the park or a cafe, without being made to feel like you are a spoilsport. Because you are not, but nevertheless, your MIL herself had kids, and will understand that they dont sit through long meals, but will still value your appearance however shortlived. You and your dd are IMPORTANT to your MIL, which is why you feeling annoyed to have been put in this situation/guilt tripped, however, you can still stand your ground on the possibility of a fleeting appearance.

Couchpotato3 · 13/05/2019 20:47

I would go, take plenty of toys and snacks etc but have a back-up plan if she kicks off, so that you can take her out of the restaurant. Sometimes these places really come up trumps - we did a fancy lunch for my husband's 30th with very small children and they ended up being as good as gold - waiters made a big fuss of them, kept bringing tiny portions of food for them etc. Don't upset MIL by pulling out in advance. You might end up really enjoying it, and if you've got a back-up, then you won't be too disappointed if it doesn't work out.

Twickerhun · 13/05/2019 20:51

I have a toddler and no way would I take him any where near the restaurant. Not fair on the child or other diners. Say no!

Jemima232 · 13/05/2019 20:51

I wouldn't take a baby of this age to a posh restaurant with a formal dining room, for the simple reason that most, if not all the diners will be judging you and your parenting, which is grossly unfair.

I don't see how you can enjoy yourself in this situation, and I think your DMIL has forgotten how short the attention span of a toddler is.

Could you ring her and have a chat about it?

Lunde · 13/05/2019 20:53

We had to take 12 month old DD1 to MIL's 75th Birthday lunch at a posh restaurant. I was nervous, especially as I had had major surgery 6 days before and wasn't feeling on top form myself.

It went surprisingly well - DD was quite excited and investigated all of the foods and discovered a love of prawns, mussels and blue cheese!

MacrosomicMumma · 13/05/2019 20:55

I would (and have). I checked what other stuff we nearby and if she had been a nightmare I would have said I would leave them to it and take her somewhere else. She loved the new environment and all her family being there and so we didn't need to.

Don't overthink it. It's one lunch. You can do it!

RussianSpamBot · 13/05/2019 21:00

Tbf DMIL doesnt know about it jemima. It's a load of childfree people who are all saying how she'll definitely want DD there. MIL herself, as a person who's had toddlers previously, may be horrified at the idea!

PerspicaciaTick · 13/05/2019 21:06

The fanciest (and most expensive) hotels can be remarkably good at catering to their clients wants and needs, so I'd suggest that you get in touch with hotel to see what they suggest as to how they can make the meal enjoyable for everyone. And if they aren't open to helping, then you probably have your answer.

Grainedmonkey · 13/05/2019 21:07

I would trust your instinct here OP, MIL shouldn't mind the grandchild not being there as it is an adult environment and she can easily do something special with your DD another time . If you can wangle some child care it sounds like it would be a really nice treat for you too, otherwise it could be as many have predicted i.e a nightmare with you trying to contain a restless toddler and willing it to be over. The only way I would contemplate it would be if I could guarantee the DD would have a long nap in her pushchair .

Original poster
Diorissimo1985 · 13/05/2019 21:10

I can't discuss with MIL unfortunately as it's a surprise!

My main anxiety is the other diners - the two options for lunch are either The Savoy or The Connaught and they're not cheap (to me anyway!).

We won't be staying there so won't have a bedroom to go to. To be honest it sounds like I need to suck it up and resign myself to not being at the table with everyone (DD is not happy to sit on lap) ... better to take her out the restaurant than insist she stays at the table?

OP posts:
Original poster
Diorissimo1985 · 13/05/2019 21:12

Not sure we could afford a maternity nurse or similar - we're already flying in from Ireland to join them for this lunch plus a hotel overnight so it's getting quite pricey

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 13/05/2019 21:14

I think it’s one of those things, your mils feelings come last. I wouldn’t go, too much stimulation with the flight etc, meltdown central will go down. (I’ve had 2 non sitters 😩).

Jellybeansincognito · 13/05/2019 21:15

It sounds like you’re being peer pressured too, big mistake when it concerns a child who you and your dh know best.

Bluntness100 · 13/05/2019 21:15

You know your own kid, but I did this with my daughter at your daughter age and it was fine, and it was also for my mil, there were so many people to amuse her and fuss over her, and she was a little star watching everything going on. Sometimes they surprise you. But more than that, your mother in in law wants her whole family there, inc her grandchild, so unless you dislike her, I'd give it a crack for her sake

managedmis · 13/05/2019 21:16

Yeah the toddler won't enjoy it either

MustardScreams · 13/05/2019 21:19

The Savoy or The Connaught? No, no no.

Seriously, unless you’re 100% certain dd won’t screech/yell/cry/throw things/moan/grumble etc etc then do not go. You won’t be able to keep getting up and leaving as you’ll disturb the other diners. This really is a no-brainer.

RussianSpamBot · 13/05/2019 21:19

If she's not a lap sitter, you dont know that MIL would actually want her there and it's that level of poshness, I wouldn't take her tbh. They might think they want her there but they've no understanding of what it will actually be like.

Jaxhog · 13/05/2019 21:20

Talk to the venue. They may have some suggestions or just advise you not to do it. If you go, be prepared to leave the dining table (and restaurant) to ensure you don't disturb other diners. The restaurant will probably insist on this if there is any significant disturbance, which could easily ruin the lunch for everyone. In any case, you are not going to get to enjoy your (probably very expensive) meal.

Tbh, I wouldn't do it. Why not meet them for coffee in a lounge afterwards?

Jellybeansincognito · 13/05/2019 21:23

Will you be with other diners bar your group?

Children are cute but I’d imagine many special occasions being celebrated and no one wants to listen to children being children in that sort of environment and expense.

pallisers · 13/05/2019 21:24

I think I'd bring her along for the "surprise" bit at the beginning so MIL saw you both there. Then I would have one drink or something with everyone and leave with dd as soon as she couldn't take it - and then would come back if possible for coffee in the lounge/somewhere else. I would warn the restaurant in advance that you plan to do this.

It will be miserable for you - you'll order expensive nice food you won't get a chance to eat and you'll be hyper about disturbing other people.

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